Kajeayn's Art Blog @kajeaynart - Tumblr Blog

some dads get dadbods who get a tummy and a nice piece of cake and some dads get dadbods that are mostly gristle and string and stretchy skin with no cake in sight and i think both are beautiful!!

kajeaynart

Jess certainly thinks his dadbod is beautiful!

#kaj art #god they look so different then the last time i posted them like 2 years ago #it's jesse!#jelly roll!!#in stardew which is like my favorite universe for them #WHAT DO YOU -MEAN- IT'S BEEN NEARLY A YEAR SINCE I POSTED ON HERE #dont ask me where i've been because i dont know #depressed mostly!#jesse #theyre getting a new tag since they have a people name #i wanna draw more stardew stuff so bad but Spoons and Pain :(

Trying to start posting again and what better way then making you all look at my current favorite son, his name is Vincenzo, he’s 96 pounds and has every disease <3

#he's been the main blorbo ive been turning in my head like a microwave off and for months #i have more art of him i shall post probably #Probably #he's from an original verse and project can you BELIEVE IT #he's NOT A FANDOM OC #i mean i would like to put him in various aus #but so far he lives in his own headworld ive been creating around him #and another project #-eyes emoji-#yes he is wearing howl's outfit #because they share a lot in common but especially fashion <3 #this is currently the only finished colored piece of him so here you guys go #kaj art #vincenzo #he gets a tag!!#i call him vinny almost exclusively though #MY VINNY BOY

aaaa i’m just gonna rip the bandaid off and post because it’s been hanging over me for a While to like. actually be on tumblr again but ive been so anxious about it i’ve just been avoiding this place rip

tldr im okay. ish. i know the last post was pretty dark but it was made from a pretty dark place, and i haven’t... quite fully crawled out but the daily grind is a little more bearable right now so here i am

fun life update is that I finally got covid and it rocked me, i’m very much still recovering but it was like two full weeks of being entirely unable to get out of bed, terrified and sick and not being sure what the aftermath would look like. And so far, the aftermath hasn’t been fun! If things continue as they are there’s a uh. nonzero chance I’m gonna have to start seeing specialists about long covid. Which is exactly what I’ve been the most afraid of for like, two years now. But also only in the last week or so have I mostly stopped using a cane to get around the house and having to very, very carefully ration how many times I use the stairs in one day. (my daily limit was usually like. twice max.)

Pretty good example was needing to rest for several days because I did a small load of laundry and took a shower on the same day. That was overdoing it for me. Most days I had to make the choice if I wanted to do literally anything or make something to eat. I’m still really struggling with that but at least I can usually make one easy meal if the other activity isn’t too bad. (It’s usually a shower, which are a lot shorter these days because I can’t stand up that long anymore.)

So that’s been really cool and I love getting possibly More Disabled then I was already struggling to come to terms with

Honestly I don’t have a lot of words for what my head’s been like for a... long time now, which is also why i haven’t really been posting. Lot of not great things have been going on and making me sorta retreat entirely into myself. It’s really hard to talk to people.

I barely talk to anyone at all these days. You know when you’re really fried from doing a lot of things for too long and even just a short conversation is too exhausting? You're too tired and brain dead to find any words at all? That’s been every day for a really long time now. Even before covid, and it only managed to get worse, which is super fun considering I’m an ambivert and I don’t do well with loneliness but I can’t really do much about it either.

So, I guess I just wanna say: I’m sorry. I’m really trying to rest and get better and improve but I’m kind of stuck in limbo, where I’ve already been for way too long but I don’t really have a way out still.

But here I am, and I’m trying, and that’s what matters, right?

#dont get covid y'all #lmao #i feel like ive said too much and not enough #i miss you guys a lot #but i also miss a lot of other people who were here and are not coming back.#and that list of people Gone for any variety of reasons feels like it keeps getting longer and more and more important people join it #so it makes me avoid places they were #like here #and discord #and da #you know #my main haunting grounds #you can imagine how well that's been going #sorry in advance if i dont reply to replies this already took my one (1) social spoon for the day

Heavy vent under the cut.

I just want to stop being in pain.

I JUST WANT TO STOP BEING IN PAIN.

It doesn't feel like a lot to ask for but life has just sort of become this never ending marathon of me chasing down every possible pain relief that never lasts. It's long, long stretches of crying helplessly in bed while all my muscles scream and there is NOTHING I can do. It's years of ibuprofen until I can't even take it anymore because my stomach is just absolutely at its limit. It's going to every doctor I can and they all recommend more ibuprofen and shrug. It's not having anything I can take or do except sit and cry and try to believe tomorrow is going to be better and knowing it won't be. It's daydreaming about breaking a bone so that someone can look at me and see the pain and do something.

I'm so tired. I don't wanna do this anymore. I feel like I'm crawling from one goal to the next and each one gets further away. Each goal is a shorter and shorter amount of time of just bearable pain. I don't remember the last time I was totally pain free without being completely fucked up on weed and/or alcohol. I really don't. I think it's been years.

I don't want to live like this but it's never going to get any better and it's never going to change. People keep telling me it's going to get better but it only gets worse and worse and worse. If one more person tells me it'll get better I think I'm just going to start screaming and never stop.

I don't know what to do. I wish I were dead. I wish I were anything but this. I just want to exist without feeling like I'm on fire 24 hours a day. I just want to live. I want to go for walks without feeling like the little mermaid with her tail split into legs, every step agony and with no voice for her to scream. I want to drive a car without my shoulders feeling like they're going to wrench out of my sockets. I want to sleep without a heating pad and a fistful of melatonin. I want to not choose between making something to eat or taking a shower.

I watched my mother do absolutely anything for decades to try and kill her pain. I rubbed her back at night while she cried. I sat up with her when she was too far gone to know where she was, but at least the pain didn't follow her there. I watched her wither and die under its weight and every single day I think that I don't know if I can escape the same fate. I already feel that weight pressing on me. I don't know how long I can hold it up. I'm so tired of carrying it.

She carried it longer then I've been alive and she never found relief. It never got better. I watched it kill her.

What is it going to do to me?

#death mention #drug mention #alcohol mention #tw sui mention #just a lot of heavy mentions #I've written a thousand versions of this sort of post and deleted them all for literal years #i dont know if I'll feel any better but i can't possibly feel any worse #i dont need anything #there's nothing anyone can do #There's just #nothing #and that's what's killing me #i struggle constantly with wanting no one to know how bad at is and desperately wanting someone to see how very very bad it actually is #this is why i dont talk very much anymore #this is why i dont draw very much anymore #im just. tired.

screwconsciousnessblog

Screw Consciousness

#yeah #Y EAH #that's how it feels

zenaquaria

Vamptober 2021: Day 7

This gorgeous lady, @kajeaynart’s Black Ice, is a vampire-become-vampire-hunter. Forcibly turned by a Carnelian-lineage vampony, Black Ice seeks revenge for her immortality. Blistering blizzard magic and gold-edged sunstone-imbued daggers tied to braids in her hair create a whirlwind of danger for mortal and immortal foes alike. The silver-and-moonstone jewelry adorning her brow and neck provide her with a power boost to her abilities.

Do not repost, edit, alter, trace/copy, use/redistribute my artworks without my permission.

kajeaynart

^me sitting at my desk with my morning coffee and seeing this just now

HELP IM WAILING

It's legit difficult to reblog because I keep scrolling up to look at it again agdliguhgh

I am OBSESSED with the hair and accessories are you KIDDING ME I LOVE THAT .... KNIFE BRAIDS.... THAT'S SO HER AAAAAAAA

The gems and jewelry are GORGEOUS I seriously want to draw vamp!ice so bad now.... WHAT AN AMAZING LOOK she seriously is the most aesthetic vampire hunter to exist

UGH JUST THANK YOU SO MUCH THIS REALLY MADE MY WHOLE DAY AAAAAAAAAAA

#IM CRYING #i was in a bit of a mood because period is kicking my Ass and im grumpily waiting for midol #and then THIS graces my dash #im gonna die!!!#i miss black ice so much #i've dabbled a bit with her as an Equine Character(tm) but i really miss her pony self #and this is such a fun version of that......#holds close to my chest #cries a lot #gdliguhgh #thank you so much again!!!#art by others #black ice #SCREAMS

Hands down, the hardest part of trying to accept that I'm disabled is the struggle of asking for help, with anything.

I think in the last year or so I've asked for help more then I have asked in my entire life, combined. It's this balancing act, of me trying to force myself to get better at this/lean on people who ask me to lean on them, but if I fall off the tightrope it's this nightmarish spiral of being a burden, an inconvenience, worthless.

I've spent my whole life apologizing for the space I take up. For existing at all. I spent over twenty years trying to earn my family's forgiveness and respect because I dared to need things, sometimes. The fact that I really struggle to do dishes was a daily screaming match.

So when I ask for help, for patience, anything at all, there's this huge hurdle I'm climbing in order to do so, and the threat of falling into that worthless abyss below is always, always right there.

I'm so grateful for people who are patient and supportive with me. I'm so grateful I live with people I can ask for help.

I just wish it was easier.

#been doing a fair bit of soul searching and this is a big one i'm struggling with atm #because i've had to ask for a lot of help lately #I can't really stand up for long periods rn #and by long periods i mean several minutes #i went to the grocery store and slept for 26 hours afterwards.#I feel like i'm just sort of a vacuum currently #and it's a daily awful fight to just push down the little voice in my head insisting i need to just shut my mouth and deal with it #there's a lot of little voices im arguing with lately #im hanging in there i just wanted to talk a bit about this #because every time i ask for help the last few days i'm fighting off a panic attack and i hope this might help a bit

zenaquaria

As above, Vamptober is soon! And as in the past years, I’m looking for additional victims inspiration to draw over the course of the month of October!

Please remember to read and follow these rules if you want a chance at getting your character drawn!

kajeaynart

YOUR CHOICE between~~

CERISE for the pinkest vampire in the world. Definitely some bitterness and self loathing about her new form, but absolutely embraces the Drama of it all. High collars, lace, artistic blood splatters? She's here for it.

BLACK ICE who has never regretted anything in her life (as she says) and would make a great vampire. Possibly even went willingly into it, possibly not, but regardless she's here now and she's accepting her situation and continuing to life her life. She already barely went out in the daytime, really there's not a huge difference! Kinda super into the idea of her being a vampire hunter, as a vampire. She's very Revenge Driven so if she got turned against her will... oh boy!

#ROGUE REVENANT <3 #take your pick!!#cerise is more Drama and Fashion and black ice is here for murder #the cerise ref art is so old im crying #but i miss my pink daughter #and i've had black ice on the brain a LOT lately #i miss clary blog #sigh #but thank you for doing this again zen im really excited to see the future vamp stuff -eyes-#them or not!!!#always good content <333

For the Fanfic tropes, not sure if this counts, but: What if humans are the weird ones?/Humans are space orks./Earth is space Australia.

Give me a fanfiction trope and I’ll grade it:

A: Love it. Spend my time combing AO3 for it.

B: Like it. Not one of my bigger cravings, but it can scratch a certain itch if I’m in the right mood.

C: Neutral. A good author might be able to sell it, but a bad one will kill it deader than dead.

D: Not my favorite. I avoid it if I can, but it won’t necessarily put me off reading something.

F: Hate it. Will immediately make me nope out of a fic.

B: Like it. Not one of my bigger cravings, but it can scratch a certain itch if I’m in the right mood.

I don't really go hunting for this one but if I stumble on it on tumblr (which happens pretty frequently!) I will ALWAYS read the whole thing and enjoy it a lot! I'm also very partial to stories about humans making friends with aliens by being the weirdly social mimics we are (and also often terrifying them in the process which is just a bonus for me)

#i do love this!#i just don't go Hunting for it so i guess it's a B?#sorta inbetween A and B for me #B+#sure #agdiguhg #also i have absolutely no idea if it counts as a trope but it's a fun one

Fanfic tropes: Bodyguard AU

Give me a fanfiction trope and I’ll grade it:

A: Love it. Spend my time combing AO3 for it.

B: Like it. Not one of my bigger cravings, but it can scratch a certain itch if I’m in the right mood.

C: Neutral. A good author might be able to sell it, but a bad one will kill it deader than dead.

D: Not my favorite. I avoid it if I can, but it won’t necessarily put me off reading something.

F: Hate it. Will immediately make me nope out of a fic.

A: Love it. Spend my time combing AO3 for it.

A+++ GIMME GIMME GIMME-

#you know how much i love this amish #dont you lie to me #sgldiufgh #I AM ALWAYS #HERE #FOR BODYGUARDS!!!#THE YEARNING #THE DUTY #THE PROTECTION.....#THERE IS MUCH TO UNPACK #AND NEVER ENOUGH OF THIS ON AO3 #AAAAAAAAAAA

Variation of previous trope: “asshole must go to mortal enemy because they’re in trouble and mortal enemy the only one they know can help them”

Give me a fanfiction trope and I’ll grade it:

A: Love it. Spend my time combing AO3 for it.

B: Like it. Not one of my bigger cravings, but it can scratch a certain itch if I’m in the right mood.

C: Neutral. A good author might be able to sell it, but a bad one will kill it deader than dead.

D: Not my favorite. I avoid it if I can, but it won’t necessarily put me off reading something.

F: Hate it. Will immediately make me nope out of a fic.

A: Love it. Spend my time combing AO3 for it.

You know I'm a slut for this trope you CHEATER

#we have ROLEPLAYED THIS TROPE #we should rp it again #:/#A++ I adore it #agdliughgh

fanfiction troupe- asshole rich is dick to A, then falls to rags and cannot figure out how to live, and must be humbled by A who is the only one who will give asshole a chance

Give me a fanfiction trope and I’ll grade it:

A: Love it. Spend my time combing AO3 for it.

B: Like it. Not one of my bigger cravings, but it can scratch a certain itch if I’m in the right mood.

C: Neutral. A good author might be able to sell it, but a bad one will kill it deader than dead.

D: Not my favorite. I avoid it if I can, but it won’t necessarily put me off reading something.

F: Hate it. Will immediately make me nope out of a fic.

B: Like it. Not one of my bigger cravings, but it can scratch a certain itch if I’m in the right mood.

I don't think I have read many fics like this but it gave me flashbacks to watching Ouran and some of my favorite gags from the show which gave it an immediate nostalgia boost to the score LMAO I was thinking C, fairly neutral but could definitely be sold well by the right author, then I thought of Ouran and bumped it to a B

I think it depends entirely which direction the author takes this sort of prompt, like if we get some good angst and bonding over household chores then A+ from me

#other bonus includes if the rich asshole is wildly stupid and confidently declares that being poor is Easy #and then you realize he can't use a microwave #beautiful content

Not sure if it qualifies as a trope but: Hurt/Comfort

Give me a fanfiction trope and I’ll grade it:

A: Love it. Spend my time combing AO3 for it. B: Like it. Not one of my bigger cravings, but it can scratch a certain itch if I’m in the right mood. C: Neutral. A good author might be able to sell it, but a bad one will kill it deader than dead. D: Not my favorite. I avoid it if I can, but it won’t necessarily put me off reading something. F: Hate it. Will immediately make me nope out of a fic.

A++++: Love it. Spend my time combing AO3 for it. Hurt/comfort's probably the main tag I end up reading when it comes to fanfic LMAO It's also the main Feel Good rp/plot scenario! It's pretty hard to go wrong with hurt/comfort for me, I'm personally not big on "all hurt and no comfort" which is a similar tag I tend to run away from because if I don't get the pay off then what is the point

#if i don't get snuggles then why am i here!!!#give me the hurt comfort snuggles #give me ALL THE SNUGGLES #i think this counts as a trope but like an umbrella one #there are many hurt/comfort tropes i am very fond of #snuggling for warmth?#bandaging each other's wounds?#gimme gimme gimme

lazy8blog

Give me a fanfiction trope and I’ll grade it:

A: Love it. Spend my time combing AO3 for it.

B: Like it. Not one of my bigger cravings, but it can scratch a certain itch if I’m in the right mood.

C: Neutral. A good author might be able to sell it, but a bad one will kill it deader than dead.

D: Not my favorite. I avoid it if I can, but it won’t necessarily put me off reading something.

F: Hate it. Will immediately make me nope out of a fic.

#GIMME #i haven’t done one of these in a while

I don't really have a "fickle muse" problem with any of my characters except one.

AINSLEY

Of course it's arguably my most well known/liked character. In private rps I genuinely feel like some of my very best writing has been for Ainsley. He can be a total blast to write. But I think it's sort of a double edged sword.

I wonder sometimes if the fact that he's probably my most Popular character is why he can be so elusive to me? Maybe I psych myself out, and/or there's some sort of performance anxiety issue, but the truth is he just isn't THERE.

I've likened "The Ainsley Problem" to the mortifying feeling of telling a teacher you don't know how to even begin to solve a math problem on a test, and they say "just try your best!" (Is this a me problem? Because I missed so much school and genuinely hadn't BEEN THERE when everyone else learned how to solve these problems?) But the feeling of staring at words with absolutely nothing filling in the blanks in your head is a pretty similar feeling to when I try to write Ainsley when I am just not feeling it.

It's frustrating and I genuinely can't fix it. I love writing Ainsley but he comes and goes as he pleases. I can brute force pretty much any character but Ainsley. I don't know why he's the ONE exception. When I have the muse for him, it's great. I can write pages and pages of posts for him. He's one of the only characters I have literally cried writing for. Writing his dry humor always makes me smile.

I just wish I knew why he was such a weirdly elusive character. I guess because arguably I don't have a lot in common with a 65 year old Scottish gay fisherman grandpa. A lot of his backstory is a mystery even to me. But man when I hit that sweet spot of Ains Muse it's gold. I can't switch him on or off but when he's on it's great and I'm happy writing him! When he's off every word is like pulling teeth, if I can write anything at all.

Do you have fickle muses? Do you have ways you wrangle them? Reading old rps with him CAN help but often they can just be depressing like "wow I used to write really good stuff with him! Now I write garbage."

#ainsley might just be one of those clams that detect if water quality is bad #except it's my mental health #he just closes up when im feeling Funky and that should be a warning to me #but instead im leaving out sandwiches hoping he'll come back #im sorta hoping for advice but honestly i think it's just one of those Things #you just gotta wait it out #i took two months to reply to a ains rp this morning so im thinking about this #he is just a diva

I'm having a really rough night but Mikey is curled against my chest intently watching kitchen nightmares with me and it helps

#he never snuggles like this but he's been dying it a lot lately #he slept in my lap today #very clingy lately #it's a combo of knowing im kinda miserable and us dogsitting #and he no like the pupper #he meows any time i move #how dare i disturb him #my darling bastard boy....

techmomma

I want more ships with my terrible garbage son Tibby!! I want more people to smooch him!! And to be smooched by him!!

My followers:

kajeaynart

#it me!#i one of those lunatics!!!#remember how shy i was at presenting the Crack Ship of ains and tb....#HAHA WHAT IF THEY KISSED.... JK....#unless?

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