Drown in My Thoughts

| Jeccah Mar Falsis-Areja | | 30 | |Iloilo City| "A quiet space where I can process my thoughts and feelings honestly, without pressure, judgment, or forced positivity."

[jiikaamaaaaar]

CHANGE.

Sometimes, the people closest to us get hurt when life changes, especially when new people become part of our world. But it’s painful being blamed for something you never intended to do wrong. We were best friends, yet we both already had our own circles, our own lives outside of each other. I understood her feelings, but deep inside, I kept wondering why I was being made to carry all the fault when she was also the one who couldn’t fully choose or prioritize me in the first place.

What hurts even more is how complicated everything became between us. Sometimes, situations are hard to explain, and without meaning to, we ended up hurting each other along the way. It wasn’t about replacing anyone or choosing sides. Emotions, misunderstandings, and unspoken feelings just slowly changed the connection we once had. Maybe misunderstandings and unspoken emotions changed things between us, but it’s unfair when one person is left questioning themselves for a situation that was never theirs alone to create.

I hope that despite everything we’ve been through, we continue choosing to understand each other and work through the things that hurt us. We may have misunderstandings, unspoken feelings, and moments where we fail each other, but at the end of the day, our friendship still matters to both of us. Maybe we’re still learning how to balance change, emotions, and the people around us, but I believe real friendships are not about never hurting each other , it’s about still finding ways to stay, communicate, and grow together through it all.

[coffeeacademia]

being alive is like,, being so full of love and so full of loss at the same time. a lot to carry around either way.

[jiikaamaaaaar]

Lungkot at Saya

Minsan hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit sa tuwing may mahalagang araw sa buhay ko, may kasabay itong lungkot na hindi ko inaasahan. Parang sa gitna ng saya, may biglang bigat na dumarating, kaya nahahati yung nararamdaman ko. Hindi ko tuloy alam kung alin ang dapat manaig, yung saya ba o yung lungkot, kasi pareho silang totoo at pareho silang malalim.

Siguro ganito lang talaga ang buhay, hindi laging sabay ang saya at ginhawa, at minsan dumarating ang lungkot kahit sa panahong dapat masaya. Pero natutunan ko na okay lang maramdaman ang lahat nang sabay. Hindi mali na ngumiti habang may bigat sa puso, at hindi rin mali na malungkot kahit may dahilan para sumaya. Unti-unti kong tinatanggap na ang bawat emosyon ay may lugar, at bahagi sila ng kung paano ako magmahal at mabuhay.

At sa dulo, pinapaalala ko sa sarili ko na hindi natin kontrolado ang buhay at ang mga pangyayaring dumarating. May mga bagay na mangyayari kahit hindi tayo handa o kahit hindi natin gusto. Pero kahit ganun, may kakayahan pa rin tayong piliin kung paano natin haharapin ang bawat araw, dala ang sakit, pero patuloy pa ring umaasa at bumabangon.

[vomitingwords]

And I'm truly sorry, for I need to cut some ties. Because I can no longer hold everything, all at once.

Some goodbyes were needed. //ma.c.a

[perfectquote]

“Today I’ll be my own hero… I promise you today…Today, I will begin to save me.”

— Elizabeth Tapp

[jiikaamaaaaar]

I want to be okay. I want to be better, not just for myself but for my family, my sisters, and my best friends. I see how hard they’re trying just to make me feel okay, and I know it wouldn’t be fair to them if I didn’t also try to help myself.

And I am trying. I really am. Some days it may not look like much, and some days are harder than others, but I’m doing what I can with what I have. It’s not easy, but I haven’t given up.

I just hope they can see it too. Even in my quiet moments, even in my struggles, I hope they know that I’m trying, and that everything I’m doing is also for them, because they mean so much to me.

[jiikaamaaaaar]

There’s my best friend, the one who knows me so well, sometimes even better than I know myself. I thank God for giving her to me, because honestly, I still find myself asking, what did I ever do to deserve someone like her? She’s always there, even when she’s busy, still finding ways to make me smile, lift me up, and lend a helping hand whenever I need it.

It’s rare to find people who will truly meet you halfway, especially in a world where everyone is dealing with their own struggles. But somehow, I was lucky enough to meet her in this lifetime. And no matter how many times I say thank you, it will never be enough for everything she has done for me. She treats me like her little sister, and I still remember when she told me that if she could give me the world, she would.

For what it’s worth, I may not always say it perfectly, but I hope she knows this, having her in my life is one of the greatest blessings I will ever have, and I will always be grateful for her, no matter what.

[jiikaamaaaaar]

We didn’t plan our friendship, it just happened naturally. But somehow, she became my light. She’s the kind of peace I’ve always wanted in a friendship. No drama, no pressure, just us being ourselves. She’s my food buddy, my coffee buddy, and one of the few people I can truly be comfortable with.

At my lowest, when I didn’t even understand myself, she stayed. She stood by me even when it meant using up her own energy, and that’s something I will never take for granted. Not everyone chooses to stay when things get heavy, but she did.

I just hope she knows how grateful I am for her every single day. Words may not always be enough, but having her in my life is something I truly value more than I can explain.

[jiikaamaaaaar]

There were times when I wasn’t in a good mental state, and I know I didn’t treat my best friend the way she deserved. I remember one moment when she came to me, excited to share something, but I felt off and drained. Instead of matching her energy, I unintentionally pushed her away because I didn’t have the emotional strength to be present for her.

Looking back, I’m not proud of how I handled that situation. I know I could have been more patient and understanding, especially because she trusted me enough to share her happiness. It hurts to realize that I may have dimmed her moment just because I was struggling inside.

But despite all that, I’m deeply thankful for her. Through everything we’ve been through, she has always stayed and tried to understand me, even when she had her own problems to deal with. That kind of friendship is rare, and it made me realize how lucky I am to have someone like her in my life.

[jiikaamaaaaar]

I don’t know what it is about Facebook, but lately it started to feel toxic to me. Every time I opened it, there was something that drained my energy whether it was negativity, comparisons, or just too much noise.

It got to the point where it didn’t feel healthy anymore, so I decided to deactivate my account. I didn’t expect much at first, but it turned out to be something I really needed.

After deactivating, everything felt lighter. My mind was calmer, my space felt more peaceful, and I realized how much that environment was affecting me without me even noticing.

[perfectfeelings]

“One of the happiest moments ever is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change.”

— Unknown

[perfectfeelings]

“You have saved yourself from drowning every time before this. You will rescue yourself again.”

— Nikita Gill, Powerful One Sentence Reminders To Read When You Are Doubting Your Growth And Healing

[thoughtkick]

“You must tell yourself, ‘No matter how hard it is, or how hard it gets, I’m going to make it.”

— Les Brown

[jiikaamaaaaar]

To my friends,

I’m really sorry if I become a burden sometimes. I know you all have your own struggles too, and that’s why I try my best to be okay on my own. I don’t want to add more weight to what you’re already carrying.

But sometimes, it just gets too loud inside my head, and I can’t keep it in anymore. That’s when I end up reaching out, not because I expect you to fix me, but because I just need to let it out and not feel alone for a moment.

I appreciate you more than you know, and I’m grateful you’re still here even when I’m not at my best. I’m trying, I really am.

Please don’t leave. Please stay with me.

[jiikaamaaaaar]

I’m not in my best mental state right now, but I’ve gotten really good at pretending that I am. Smiling when I’m supposed to, laughing when it’s expected, acting like everything is okay even when it clearly isn’t.

They already know my history, they know what I’ve been through. But something happened again and it’s the same pain all over. But I just hear the same things: “just look at the brighter side,” “just be positive.” And I get it, I really do. I know they mean well, and they’re trying to help in the only way they know how. But sometimes, those words don’t comfort me, they make me feel like what I’m feeling isn’t valid, like I’m doing something wrong for not being okay again.

I can’t keep running away from what I feel. Because I’ve learned that the more I ignore it, the louder it becomes later. That’s why when I’m overthinking or feeling sad, I let myself feel it. I sit with it, even when it’s uncomfortable. Because it’s real.

Maybe I’m not okay right now, and that’s the truth I’m learning to accept without shame. I don’t need to rush my healing just to make others comfortable. I don’t need to force a smile just to prove I’m strong. Sometimes, strength is simply allowing myself to feel everything without running away.

I may not be okay today, but I’m trying, and that counts. I will get through this, one honest feeling at a time.

[somewordsarebiggerthanothers]

[jiikaamaaaaar]

me vs. me

[paper-wounds]