Jill April - Untold Lesbian Lovestories

Find my fanfiction on AO3 & Wattpad☺️❤️

[jillapril]

Just watched „Wicked - For Good“ and though I know the stage show and knew what was coming… I‘m a little disappointed in myself for letting my feelings and hopes fly high after part 1.

I didn’t expect them to really change anything. But… while I was watching, I thought - and thats really heartbreaking - that I‘m making a fool of myself if I still keep on talking about Gelphie being a thing or Glinda being lesbian.

They just did not show anything that would backup that theory.

But they showed her being excited to get married. During their talk in „Thank Goodness“, to me it looked like Glinda wanted a kiss from Fiyero. He was struggling with it - not her. It would have been easy to just not have them kiss at all - but they did. So everyone could see that Fiyero had no deep feelings for her - but Glinda? Could be all in.

Not to talk of „I‘m not that girl Reprise“ - of course I was sceptic that they would change the lyrics... But it would have been easy, if they wanted to make clear who was more important to Glinda - but they chose not do it. All we got to see was a girl crying over not being the girl that „he“ loves.

Of course there were moments between Glinda & Elphaba. But. With everything about Fiyero being either physically romantic (kiss), or connected to romantic goals (her being excited to get married; and also being the one who planned it), and then her reprising the romantic „I‘m not that girl“ - there was just no hint that Glinda was not a least somehow in love with that man.

I just didn’t get anything to backup my „Glinda is a lesbian“ belief, nothing I could point out to all these people out there with no queer perspective.

I felt like part 1 left so much potential for Glinda being in love with Elphaba, there were clues en masse - and then came part 2. And made sure everyone could agree that Gelphie was just platonic. I really feel - disillusioned. But not just concerning Wicked… Concerning everything, I fear. Like… that’s my life. Always getting excited to see representation and getting to feel that I, a lesbian, really do belong into this world and - then realizing, that I‘m still just part of a minority, I am not really part of the game, lesbians are rare and everyone saying that Glinda is not a lesbian has more right to say so than I do saying that she is…

Maybe I am overreacting, probably I am but… Didn’t expect Wicked For Good to leave me this devastated.

[sadmortician]

i loved you so i’ll haunt you

[jillapril]

Currently working on a little #Gelphie fic 🩷💚 Canon compliant, taking place during part 1…

Find it on AO3 & Wattpad ☺️🌹

„Sweetheart’s Day is just around the corner— a day in Oz when flowers are gifted to someone special. For Galinda, one thing is clear: Elphaba has to get some flowers too! But it’s not just the secret gift that gets Galinda into trouble — it’s also her own growing feelings. What is it that pulls her so irresistibly toward her friend? Meanwhile, Elphaba also finds herself tangled in confusion, ever since Galinda became a part of her life…

But where does love begin? How can it grow? And where does it end…“

AO3:

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

Wattpad:

https://www.wattpad.com/1510039630?utm_source=ios&utm_medium=link&utm_content=share_reading&wp_page=reading_part_end&wp_uname=JillApril2021

[drop-of-infinity]

I don’t think we talk enough about how the entirety of Wicked is built on the irony of No One Mourns the Wicked. The musical exists because Glinda feels the need to tell Elphaba’s story, because she is in mourning and entirely alone in that. Glinda’s love is what creates the musical because no one mourns Elphaba except her, and that is an incredibly lonely place to be. She’s just lost two of the most important people to her, and all she’s trying to do is make someone, anyone else see how important they were.

[warningsine]

Galinda, what are you doing? Stop. No.

[jillapril]

Interesting that Alicent decided to tell Rhaenyra that she has had a lover. It was an absolute unnecessary remark, Rhaenyra did not need to hear this. And regarding how ashamed Alicent has been about this affair the whole time, how she used to scratch her skin to get rid of all this shame - how come she now shares this information in such a casual way like it was not a big thing for her at all? Rhaenyra stumbles upon it right away. And I think this is exactly what Alicent intended.

Everything Rhaenyra knows about Alicent and her attitude towards sexuality is that Alicent has turned astonishingly hateful towards her right after the topic of sexuality ever came up. Alicent used to judge and blame Rhaenyra for following her sexual desires, while Alicent covered herself in righteousness. But Alicent has made some steps by now and she wants to correct Rhaenyra’s image of her as a repressed woman that despises pleasure. She wants her to know that she is a sexual being. That she is finally open to live and explore it. She knew exactly that this information would trigger Rhaenyra. Maybe she also wanted to pinch her a little bit. Making clear that she is different than Rhaenyra thought she was and plant the idea that there really could have been a possibility for them on a level that none of them would have believed to be possible - until now.

By making Alicent explore her sexuality and even tell Rhaenyra about it and by letting Rhaenyra actually have an affair with a woman, season 2 of HotD really opened up another door in terms of Rhaenicent.

[jillapril]

Rhaenyra asking why Alicent came to her, „What has it got to do with me?!“ - and then Alicent gathering herself, biting her nails, answering „He never stopped loving your mother, you know“ - this really was her way of saying: „I never stopped loving you, you know.“

Just like Rhaenyra did in the septa in ep3, Alicent uses Viserys as a cloak to hint to the love these women really hold for each other.

Alicent goes even further, saying that it was the love for Aemma that kept Viserys going - just like it is her love, her memory, her vision of Rhaenyra that haunted her all her life and finally led her now to Dragonstone. That’s what it has to do with you, Rhaenyra. ❤️‍🔥💔

[homicidalbrunette]

[burningmill]

do you think that when rhaenyra muses on the reasons why she wishes she had been born a man in the back of her mind there's just the tiniest seed of the idea "i would have married alicent"

[alicentrism]

#captain of team rhaenyra on the throne and alicent on her lap

[jillapril]

The sacrifices that were made...

+++ Analyzing Alicent S2 Ep4 +++

First things first: Rest in peace, Rhaenys, you true queen that sadly never was. ❤️ A horrible loss for Rhaenyra’s side.

Loved Jace’s reaction to his mother risking her life to visit Alicent in King’s Landing. Like he was saying „I knew you had a weird relationship with Alicent - but I did not know you were that obsessed!“ 

Speaking of Alicent - I hope she continues this development...

She is going through books, obviously looking for the story that Rhaenyra claimed Viserys was really talking about. So their meeting in the sept has put something in motion inside of her. Though she is telling Larys that it does not really matter and Visery’s intentions died with him - as she keeps on looking for his books, it obviously matters to her on a personal level. I guess she is starting to doubt everything she used to believe in and especially her role in all of this.

Very interesting conversation with Larys anyway. Him saying that she seemed different lately and her explaining this with grieve... This backs the interpretation that Alicent’s sudden affair with Criston was a reaction to all the stress she was going through. Just googled and found out, sex really is a common coping mechanism: „An increase in desire for sex can ironically be used as a way to avoid feeling.“ As Helaena was also talking to Alicent about grieve the episode before, it seems established now that this is what really drove Alicent to Criston. Not romance. Sorry Criston, does not matter how loudly you ask for her favor…

Larys is also asking her if she is worried about Criston being in battle. Obviously, he is mocking her, asking these questions while knowing she just took an abortion tea. However, her unemotional reaction once again gave me the feeling that she really does not care at all. I thought her going through the whole abortion process could also be her symbolically ending this affair and phase in her life once and for all. I certainly hope so...

While she is talking to Aegon, I found her frustration quite entertaining. Looks like she put aside any will to talk sweetly (though that never was her way of talking with Aegon I guess) or even just being diplomatic. However, I guess it wasn’t just her frustration about Aegon and his inability to be a good king, but also her frustration about her own isolated position. Some of his complaints, like how he was treated in council, could have been her own complaints. However, she is too fed up with all of this to even try to empathize. 

„You have no idea what sacrifices were made to put you on that throne“ - leaves room for speculations about what she means. Who exactly sacrificed what? If she is talking about herself, which is most likely, I guess the one thing she has really sacrificed is Rhaenyra. Rhaenyra as a person, as Alicent actively contributed to robbing her throne, thus humiliated her and put her In constant death threat - but also Rhaenyra as her former love. Throughout all these years, Alicent has been trying to suppress any feelings of sympathy for Rhaenyra, trying so hard to turn love into hate, trying to be a person so dutiful and pure that it would justify her breaking with Rhaenyra on a higher level - only to find out that she just can’t kill the feeling nor let Rhaenyra being killed, no matter what! She has destroyed the life of a woman she loved, their relationship and even herself. Now she knows that she has sacrificed it all - for what? Her idiotic son on the throne and a war that is about to kill them all.

[jillapril]

One thing that hit me while watching the sept scene was Rhaenyra saying „My father loved me, Alicent. And I believe he loved you too“, as I just realized how both characters keep on using Viserys as an excuse or bypass for the love they do or did have for each other. Isn’t it funny how often other characters have addressed the love between Alicent and Rhaenyra, while they are always only referring to the love of others or their love for others? 

Examples:

S1 Ep8

Rhaenyra: „I love my father. But I must admit that no-one has stood more loyal by his side than his good wife. She has tended to him with unfailing devotion, love and honor and for that she has my gratitude and my apology.“

Alicent: „Your graciousness moves me deeply, princess. We're both mothers and we love our children. We have more in common than we sometimes allow. I raise my cup to you.“

This really is a love confession hidden beneath pointing out love for like everyone else around the table.

S1 Ep9

Alicent: „The king wouldn't wish for the murder of his daughter! He loved her, I will not have you deny this!“

&

Alicent: „My husband would have desired this mercy be shown to his daughter.“ 

Otto: „Your husband - or you, his daughter's childhood companion?“

&

Otto: „Queen Alicent has not forgotten the love you once had for each other.“

Thank you, Otto, for summing this up.

S2 Ep 1

Aemond: „Alicent holds love for our enemy.“

And thanks to you, Aemond.

S2 Ep 3

„My father loved me, Alicent. And I believe he loved you too.“

To get to the point, she also could have said: „I loved you, Alicent, and I believe you loved me too.“

So while everyone else is calling out the affection between them, Alicent and Rhaenyra keep on dancing around it. Probably because it is too hurtful to admit. Probably because they are ashamed and thinking that the other one only feels hate. Like they have agreed on acting like enemies - how can you talk about love then?

But as this pattern keeps on repeating, I believe: a kind of love confession between Alicent and Rhaenyra has to come at some point. Probably close to the bitter ending, in a moment where everything is so lost that nothing - no pride, no reputation, no men and no fear of the gods - matters anymore. Could be coming from both of them, but I think Alicent really should be the one to speak it out: „I have…“ - or at least - „A part of me has always loved you.“

[jillapril]

+++ Analyzing Alicent S2Ep3 +++

This episode! I think there’s a chance we‘re getting back on track with Alicent. ☺️🍀

Concerning Cole…

- Thank god, it was an episode without Alicent having sex with Cole. After the ending of episode 2 I was concerned about what really drives her to bed with him. I was afraid it was supposed be a real kind of passion, something so strong she just couldn’t resist… But. Now I feel relieved. Her face and her comments during the council meeting with Cole as the hand made very clear to me: she thinks he is stupid, she is annoyed by him and she doesn’t even try to hide it.

- Their talk before he leaves… I believe she really does not care if he is about to fall in battle or not and again: she does not even try to hide it. Cole feels the rejection and as he doesn’t want to be the fool, he loudly asks for her favor and pressures her into this gesture in front of everybody. It looks like a game in which both are actually trying to humiliate the other.

- Brings me to the idea that this is what their whole affair was about. Just another weird form of self-harm. They both hate themselves for having sex and they know this about each other as well. It is against their morals and vows, against every ideal each of them are striving for.

- Finally, I found an idea of how and why it came to this. I imagine it started off with Alicent being in a labil mood after Visery’s death. It was all too stressful and no one around to comfort her - but well, there was this knight she had known for so long, who she had control over and who obviously was not too strict about his vows. Maybe she remembered a spark of attraction she had felt as a girl long time ago, before she was forced into marriage, for this guy - I mean, everyone agrees that he is a good looking guy. However, as she never experienced what it would have been like to try stuff like a teenager would do - and like Rhaenyra has done - Alicent never learned what she really liked or wanted. So in this labil mood, she let go. And then it hurt, she hated herself for it, she hated what it made her, she did not feel any less alone than before. But she continued, even though she then despised what he did and how he suddenly got into power - now desperately trying to stay in control somehow and motivated by a drive to hurt herself (and him) at the same time.

- Interesting scene with Helaena. At first, I just took it as a sweet moment between them. Helaena granting Alicent forgiveness, like she knew that her mother was feeling guilty about having „sinned“ during the murder of the child. But thinking about it again - there is something intriguing to the theory, that Helaena forgave Alicent for something that is yet to come. Could be both.

And finally, the sept scene! 😱😍💔

- Loved it. Since S1Ep2 I am waiting for some kind of honest confrontation between Alicent and Rhaenyra, in which they tell each other why they acted like they did all those years… Their horrible relationship is really based on misunderstandings and misperceptions. Now the sept scene was not exactly what I was waiting for - but at least it was close to it!

- Loved their dynamic. The weird start that was unexpectedly funny… Imagine what a refreshing duo they could have been in this dark world!

- Loved the immediate familiarity between them. Even though it was a very difficult, dangerous and emotionally tense conversation. It was bittersweet. The way they looked into each others eyes - full of uncertainty but also longingly - and slowly realized that they really do believe each other.

- Loved how Alicent was concerned about Rhaenyra possibly getting caught if she stayed too long. I mean: If Alicent had screamed, she could have ended this upcoming war. It could have been over. But she just really doesn’t want Rhaenyra to be killed. There is no solution in sight, everything is about to escalate and eventually, everyone is going die - and yet she cannot betray Rhaenyra. It’s heartbreaking.

- Loved Rhaenyra for taking this risk and trying. Alicent once again showed how much she has gaslighted herself into believing what she wants to believe… She is really hard to crack. However, I believe we saw her walls starting to fall apart. She realizes her mistake about Aegon. But immediately her old program kicks in and she tries to deny everything.

- When she sums up that her father is gone, Cole already off to war, Aemond not being solid - there is so much sadness in her eyes. Like she was just really saying: „I am all alone, Rhaenyra.“ And „Even if I really want to - I cannot do anything.“ And her finishing with „It’s too late“ implies, that maybe it could have been different, if Rhaenyra just would have come to her before. Heartbreaking. 💔

What is to come from here? I hope that Alicent really starts to see things more clearly now. And I hope she tries to take some action, although I cannot image yet what this could look like… But she really has to develope out of this I‘m-completely-depending-on-horrible-men thing. Let’s hope and see.

[honeyandsalted]

[jillapril]

+++ Analyzing Alicent - HotD S2Ep2 +++

Alright. Overall, I liked episode 2. Loved Rhaenyra in it and I am glad that I don’t feel the need to explain her actions the way I feel I have to do so with Alicent. It was a difficult episode for Alicent. My thoughts…

- Now we know for sure, she feels guilty for having sinned - for having had sex - and she fears the gods have sent her a punishment by killing her grandson.

- I felt a glimpse of relief when she closed the door, leaving Criston outside, as she was about to take a bath. She was acting cold towards him, kind of passive aggressive. No signs of tenderness. When he says that there is no absolution for what he has done, I guess she thinks the same about herself - but is still in a kind of denial.

- Daeron was mentioned. I don’t know what she thinks of him, I found her reaction rather weird. Like none at all. But she did not want Otto to go to Oldtown. Could be because she does not want Daeron to get involved into this mess now, too - though it seems inevitable. Or maybe she does not have any relationship to him at all and really just thinks taking care of Highgarden is more important. I just thought it was weird.

- However, what I didn’t get: Does she know, that Criston has sent Arryk to kill Rhaenyra?! Otto must have told her, as this was key to him arguing with Aegon and getting fired. So I suppose she must know?! If so, I found her reaction rather underwhelming. I mean it is not just the fact that Rhaenyra could really get murdered now, something Alicent was actually trying to avoid - it is also that her knight opposed her and the council by acting behind their back. How can she stay this calm?!

- Her trying to tell Otto about her sin… Like she was trying to have a friend within the Red Keep and just finding out - once again - that she has none. It is sad, yet I am baffled that she still even tries with Otto. However, I guess this also was a confirmation for her that there won’t be any absolution, in form of love or just empathy, for her either.

- Alicent not being able to comfort Aegon… She looked like she felt his pain. But she is so estranged from him, he has caused her so much trouble on various levels throughout the years - she did not know what to do. Though I totally get her difficulty with Aegon, I also think she’s no better here than Otto was with her a few minutes ago. The Hightowers obviously are all really afraid of dealing with emotions.

- Criston waiting for her on her bed. Ugh… I think this was provocative and him being there was not something they had agreed on. Also the way he stared at her - it was just a huge provocation, maybe a kind of revenge for her being cold towards him before. Like his gaze was telling her: You know it, I am in charge now. Her aggression was completely reasonable and I enjoyed that part.

- However - this resulting in her looking like it just really turns her on and thus having sex with him again… Well… that was the problematic part of the episode to me. To the casual viewer with a heteronormative perception, I believe this must look like her passion for Criston is just so huge, she cannot stay mad at him, she just wants him too much. Like she finds it hot that he deceived her, ordered Rhaenyra’s assassination, became more powerful, demanding her body now by just showing up in her chambers - yea, she just throws away any thoughts about sins and does it all even more passionately again… Really, I cannot even express how much I hate this. Can’t see any sort of sexual liberation or emancipation here, sorry. I mean, what are we to think of this? That deep down in her heart she truly enjoys being dominated by men? That she really feels passion for this guy who she knows behaves like a psychopath every now and then?! I still remember her horrified look when he killed Ser Beesbury in S1Ep9. And now she just finds it all so hot? I really, really hope this is not it and we are yet to find out what this was really all about.

- But, trying to make sense of it from my Rhaenicent-point-of-view - I guess one could still argue that she uses sex for keeping Cole in control. As Otto is about to go away again, Alicent is about to be even more alone than she is already. All that there is left is Cole and he just gained power, so she has to fight even harder to keep him at bay. Giving in to his sudden power rush. Kissing him. Making him feel like it must be real passion or even a kind of love there between them. She knows how hateful he behaved after Rhaenyra had rejected him - so she probably does not want to make the same mistake.

So all in all - I guess we still have to wait and see to find out what her motivations really are. There still is hope, I guess. But I also can’t deny I am really irritated by this development and her portrayal by now.

[jillapril]

Now that I’ve watched the first episode of HotD S2, I have the feeling I have to organize my thought about the Alicent and that Cole… situationship.

1. First things first - she is writing letters to Rhaenyra, she is lighting a candle for Luke… She stills feels for her and wishes for a kind of reconciliation. Everyone knows about her feelings for Rhaenyra. Cole explains it to himself in the same way he explains his own story with Rhaenyra. It shows that he does not really know that much about Alicents true feelings. Aemond seems to see it way more clearly.

2. Alicent saying to Cole, that they cannot do it again, implies that this is NOT an affair that has been going on for long. (Which was my biggest fear.) The affair is new and she actually (thinks she) wants it to be a one-time thing.

3. No kisses, no signs of tenderness. The affair does not seem to be romantic.

4. Had the feeling she was hesitating to help him with his armor. Seems like she is conflicted about their roles and how much closeness she really wants here. And of course, she might have had the memory of helping Rhaenyra with her dress a long time ago.

5. Alicent rubbing her skin excessively in the bath tub makes me think she feels kind of „dirty“ on a deeper level. This might come from feeling very conflicted about having this new sexual thing going. Because it does not suit her idea of being an honorable woman / dowager? And not just that, she also causes a knight to break his vows (again.). It’s also possible that she still has a deeper problem with sexuality (as she experienced it to be something that men force upon women) - and now she feels dirty for having sex, maybe also for giving in to arousal, or maybe for using sex (though parts of her disgust it) as a relieve for some other repressed emotions.

So what about those sexual experiences… Alicent being on top both times implies that this whole affair has something to do with her being the one in control. Given that she fears she’s losing influence on her sons, her father has always had his own agenda, her maid was a spy, her husband is dead - it makes sense that she wants to have at least Cole still under control! So starting to get physical with him might result from a) feeling everything and everyone is slipping through her fingers, so she starts to strengthen her influence on Cole in the one way she knows as a power over men. Worked on Viserys, works in a way with Larys as well - so now she uses it on Cole. However, it looks like - and this is different to the formerly mentioned - she does get some pleasure out of this. Which leads to b) Alicent has just started to get in touch with her own sexuality and is kind of fascinated by this new experience. However, this does not necessarily mean that the pleasure she is experiencing has much to do with Criston Cole as a person or him being a man. Maybe this is more about Alicent learning something new about herself. Maybe this experience even could have had the power to open up her very closeted self in a good way, helping her to get in touch with her most suppressed feelings… but well. Sadly, as she was having sex now while her grandson was murdered, I guess sexuality will remain a completely contaminated field to her.

That all said, I think Alicole in episode 1 wasn’t the disaster I feared it would be! Of course it is not over yet, it still has the potential to really bother me. But for now, I think what actually bothered me the most was not the portrayal of Alicent, but hearing some casual viewers say that they were not surprised about Alicole at all. Like there had been any signs leading up to this other than them being a pretty woman and a pretty man - so of course they must be having sex??? I really dislike the heteronormative banality that Alicole is feeding.

However… I still recognize the Alicent I got to know in season 1. Thank god. And I am also still convinced that her heart belongs and always will belong to Rhaenyra. (Which obviously is also causing her permanent troubles inside and outside, but that’s the kind of drama I‘m here for. :)) So let’s see what happens next…

[prideprejudce]

the tragedy of alicent and rhaenyra giving their hearts (and bodies) to incredibly violent (and misogynistic) men while craving normal human comfort and affection (that they once had from each other) but it never measuring up to their past lives together and instead leaving them feeling hollow and alone