jillboard

new posts weekday mornings | @jillboard on twitter

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[jillboard]

On “Taking Action” and Talking to Trump Supporters

I’ve spent the last 9 days in horror. Every waking minute of my time has been spent torturing myself on Twitter; hearing stories of hate crimes and bigotry, seeing swastikas spray-painted across neighborhoods, reading every article on every headline and every comment made about it. I’ve been harassed and bullied by Trump supporters, patronized, been told I was whining, wallowing, being dramatic and that I need to grow up and accept the results. I’ve had people tweet me that they’d like to see Trump “kill lesbians.” I’ve had multiple panic attacks, fainted on a sidewalk, tried meditating, constantly feel like I’m going to throw up and I’m starting to seek better self-care methods. With that being said, couple things:

1. I don’t understand what you’re saying when you yell at people on twitter to “organize” and “take action.” That is so vague. Organize what? If you have ideas for how to move forward, how to actually “organize” and “take action,” please share them. Just saying those things in a Twitter thread isn’t enough. So far, I’ve signed up for monthly subscriptions / donations to Planned Parenthood and ACLU. I’ve called my senators and representatives. I’m organizing events for safe spaces in marginalized communities. I’ve gone to the rallies. I’m doing the things. So again, if you have suggestions for what the fuck you mean when you say “organize,” please elaborate and I will DO THEM.

2. Another thing people keep saying is that you “MUST” talk to the Trump supporters in your life; “talk to them, don’t cut them out.” I tried doing that this morning and that ended really, really badly for me. I was bullied and patronized, called names, ridiculed for being TOO educated, was told that I’m ruining friendships by trying to start a discussion and was tormented for being the “bad guy.” I want to tell you this; DO NOT talk to the Trump supporters in your life if you do not feel safe. I repeat. DO NOT TALK TO THE TRUMP SUPPORTERS IN YOUR LIFE IF YOU DO NOT FEEL SAFE.

My experience this morning could not have been more negative and downright scary. Even though it was in an online space, I felt threatened. I felt unsafe. I felt targeted and vulnerable and scared because I knew I was the only marginalized person in the conversation– and they won’t listen to me. They don’t care about our opinions or our narratives or our voices; they told us this, remember? Do you remember November 8th? They told us they don’t care about our perspectives and they don’t want to hear what it’s like to be anyone other than a straight, white person. In fact, the TS I spoke to told me she voted to “take care of her own.” Yes, what she means is white people in the working class.

She also sarcastically told me that she’s “sorry” she didn’t vote for my safety or the safety of Muslims and black people, but there were more important things at stake. I want to note that this is a person who had me stand next to her as a bridesmaid while she got married to a cop– and both of them voted for people who, given the choice, would strip me of my right to do the same.

If this had been in person, I would’ve been in tears, inconsolable and rattled for a very long time. These are scary times. So please, if you aren’t in a safe space to “talk to the Trump supporter in your life,” please please don’t. Talk to the people who are capable of being reasonable and having discussions from an educated perspective. Someone who wants to talk facts. Talk to the people who voted for Hillary and get them to take action. But don’t talk to someone who wants to be violent.

I’m scared. And I have reason to be.

[jillboard]

Happy National Coming Out Day!

Today is National Coming Out Day-- it’s gay Christmas!!! I know there are a lot of you out there who are closeted, questioning, unsure, don’t identify-- whatever. I wanted to tell you that everyone is you. We are all you. And if you think it’s cheesy to come out on National Coming Out Day, let me be the first to tell you that I came out to all my friends on the day the Marriage Equality law passed. So really, who’s worse?

I wanted to compile some resources for you if you’re feeling scared or unsure today. Just know that there is a massive community out there of people just like you, and even if that only exists online for you, just know we’re here. We exist. And you have a right to exist. And you’re beautiful! ALSO. Just know. You don’t have to come out to anyone you don’t want to. You can tell your mom and dad. You can just tell one friend. You can kiss your secret girlfriend (or whoever). Nobody deserves your coming out story and I feel strongly about that. People feel entitled to hear your coming out story and you don’t need to tell it to them. Your sexual identity is yours and you can share it with whoever you want. I told my parents over Thai food and said, “I started dating girls now, pass the Massaman curry.” And that was it. Ok, resources: I wanted to share some things I’ve written about sexuality and coming out that I think (I hope) could help.

Here’s an article I wrote awhile ago about coming to realize you’re gay. It’s not just about sexual attraction. It’s about emotional attachment. “Start Sleeping With the Same Sex and Get on With Your Life.”

I’ve had literal cab drivers ask if I have a boyfriend. I wrote this is about tiny coming outs. Again, everyone feels entitled to your sex life and you don’t have to tell them. “What’s Worse: Coming Out or Coming Out Every Day?”

A piece I wrote on the importance of queer idols: “My Love Letter to Sporty Spice; My Queer Idol Before I Knew I Needed One.”

MOVIES. Watch gay movies. It will normalize queerness for you.

Imagine Me & You - Piper Perabo is gay with Lena Headey. It’s my favorite.

Lost & Delirious - Another one in the Piper Perabo queer works collection. Amazing movie about lesbianism, homophobia and first queer loves. Plus it’s so early 2000s, you’ll die. A period piece, really.

The Kids Are All Right - JULIANNE MOOOOORE.

The Hours - JULIANNE MOOOOORE.

Chloe - Julianne Moore but also-- if you just want to laugh at a really bad lesbian thriller movie, this movie is hilarious.

But I’m A Cheerleader - Natasha Lyonne & Clea Duvall are literal OTP. This one celebrates queer culture in all its uniqueness and weirdness.

Kissing Jessica Stein - Perhaps the best gay movie ever made and an actually great representation of discovering your queerness.

The L Word - Not a movie, a TV show, but the only lesbian TV show that has ever mattered or existed. It’s a right of passage for coming out and discovering your sexuality.

And finally, if you’ve never seen Season 1 of Orange Is The New Black, just watch it. It literally shot me out of the closet like a rogue North Korean missile. 

Happy National Coming Out Day bbs, stay safe!

[jillboard]

The VMAs Were Boring AF

I feel like there were so many almosts. So many swings and misses. 

They gave Kanye 4 minutes to do whatever the fuck he wanted and all he did was rant. He barely touched on Taylor. He called out Amber Rose but like, who hasn’t? She loves that shit.

Then there was Ariana and Nicki who shared an elongated glance like they were going to repeat Britney & Madonna history, but then pussied out. I literally screamed, “KISS!” at the TV. Nothing.

Then there was Beyonce who stole Rihanna’s night. She just performed her whole album. Cool. Expected that from her. Plus, Rihanna didn’t even end on a dance number. AND Drake and Rihanna didn’t even get MARRIED...????

Then there was Britney and G-Eazy which was a colossal disappointment. Why put Britney on after Yonce?? WHY? Who did that to our beloved princess? Also, why did G-Eazy even get the HONOR of performing with Godney on HER STAGE, the VM-fucking-As?! He should’ve been up there eat Britney the fuck out. That’s the only way he would have deserved a spot next to her in VMA history.

Why does MTV always promote the VMAs like something crazy is gonna happen and then just nothing ever happens? I’m bored. Give me a snake around Britney’s neck or give me death.

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I Feel Like I Have Nothing To Say

Maybe it’s writer’s block? Maybe it’s my new medicine? Maybe it’s a self-esteem issue? I don’t know. Anyway, I feel like my posts this week have been less than mediocre. Every single day, I’ve sat down and stared at the screen and felt like I had absolutely nothing of substance to say. I know the point of this blog is to get me writing and speaking and feeling about whatever it is that I’m doing, so it should be easy-- right? I’m doing things every day? Barely, but I am.

What if I don’t have anything to say IN GENERAL? More things to panic about. I know this isn’t an interesting post but this is what I’m feeling so this is what I’m writing!!

We all die anyway, don’t @ me!!!

[jillboard]

Did We Stop Making Lesbian TV Or Am I Oblivious

I am so bored entertainment-wise that I bought Kissing Jessica Stein on iTunes yesterday. Not that you have to be bored to watch that movie-- it’s literally the greatest movie of our time. But I feel like I’ve watched every piece of girl-on-girl TV or film that exists. 

I’m in this space where all I want to watch it queer entertainment. I know that might seem biased or tilted or whatever-- it is. I want to watch movies that prove life isn’t a meaningless negative void where we all just die and experience no love or joy. But I don’t get the feels when I watch straight people kiss. I just don’t. I never have. I can count the straight relationships on one hand that I’ve watched on TV or in movies where I was like, “wow, their chemistry is tantalizing.” So I want to watch stuff that makes me feel-- like OITNB Season 1. Alex and Piper blew my mind. I just feel like I’ve seen every queer relationship there is to see on TV and I’m bored.

I also feel like there’s nothing recent. I loved Faking It in all its absurdity. That ended. Correct me if I’m wrong-- but I feel like there’s nothing new and queer coming out. I’ve went to see so many movies lately and left every time being like “wow that sucked,” or “cool, straight people, cool.” Like, congrats on your straightness and having a boring relationship that we’ve seen 1000000x over. Plus, Netflix’s Gay & Lesbian category is fucking beat. WHERE DID THE GAY GO?

Anyway, does anyone have any TV / movie suggestions for me?

[jillboard]

One More Possible Anxiety Solution

If you’ve been following my Journey To The Center of Anxiety 3D, then you know the past week and a half has had its peaks and valleys. A few days ago, one of my best friends took me to her Muay Thai class. It was bring-your-friend-to-Muay-Thai day. I had never been to a workout class because the thought of being trapped in a room being forced to sweat while probably being the least fit person in the room is a surefire anxiety nightmare for me. “Come” she said, “it’ll be fine,” she said.

You know when people are like, “what’s the worst that can happen? You have a panic attack?” Yes, absolutely, confirmed that is the worst thing that can happen and it 100% happened. 2 minutes into the class I doubled over, could barely see and had to sit down. I played it off like I was tired-- meanwhile, full blown panic attack.

Nightmare.

Later that day, another friend of mine said, “you know what you should do to alleviate the anxiety of going to your first workout class? You should come with me to my yoga class tomorrow.” iN WHAT WORLD. Anyway. He said it was really helpful to him and it wasn’t a “workout,” it was more meditative. Basically glorified laying.

So I went. It was called restorative yoga. I had never done yoga in my life and Sweet Gillian Anderson it worked. I think it was the first time in my entire life that I relaxed. I’ve never felt more physically chill and zen and just fucking chill ever, not even once. Should I like...become a yoga person??? I think I might.

It’s like every time I think I can’t fall into one more lesbian stereotype, I do.

But real talk, if you have anxiety and have never tried yoga, fucking let yourself. It was SO nice. I guess there’s two kinds of people: people who alleviate stress by kicking and punching, and people who alleviate stress by laying on the ground in the dark with candles and having a woman rub essential oils on your palms while you stare into the void.

[jillboard]

A Weird Tumblr Post About Cats

This morning I woke up to the sound of my cat chomping on her food. The moment I wake up is when I have the strangest thoughts. I couldn’t help but listen to the sound of her tiny teeth chomping on the tiny food. I think when you’re a cat owner, literally everything your cat does is cute to you. Like EVERYTHING. 

I started thinking about how inside of her are tons of tiny teeth and baby tiny organs that are probably just as cute as her dumb little whiskers. Baby organs! She has a stomach that’s probably so baby tiny and lungs that are just the cutest dumbest nubbiest tiny baby lungs. Her liver probably looks like a Barbie liver, like a liver you would play with in a Barbie playhouse filled with darkness: American Horror Story, Tiny Organs.

Am I a complete psychopath? When did I get this crazy? I think I’ve completely lost my mind. Like, at what point do I just wholeheartedly lean into becoming a crazy cat lady? Should I just buy some floor-length denim skirts and turtlenecks and move into a shack in the woods with 20 cats? Will they eat me when I die or respect me like I respect them?

Happy Monday!

*actively avoids talking about things that matter because life is a waking nightmare*

[jillboard]

Light At The End Of The Cave

I actually feel better today. It’s relieving to know that all of that darkness I was going through wasn’t just me-- it was me switching medications. As you can see from my super dark blog posts over the last week, every day felt like it was going to be this way forever. There was no light at the end of the tunnel. I just thought I was going to live like that forever, feeling like I was in a dark cave alone with no entrances or exits.

I feel motivated today. Yesterday, I got out of the house and went grocery shopping. It made me feel good, accomplished. I went to two stores, didn’t spend that much money, even though I panicked the entire time about money. And then I munched all day and gave myself a stomach ache.

I really did feel like I was on a week-long bad trip. I felt groggy and not fully there, like I was high but I hadn’t smoked anything. I’m just glad it’s over and I finally feel optimistic again. Hopefully this medicine helps.

I sound like I’m 70-years old.

[jillboard]

SIX FLAGS ROX 4EVER: An Anxiety Remedy That Worked For Me

I went to Six Flags Magic Mountain yesterday for some thrillage! My friend texted me at 11:30AM and said “let’s go to Six Flags, I have a free ticket.” I immediately weighed the pros and cons: will Six Flags be an anxiety stressor or an anxiety reliever? 

There’s the obvious catch 22 of rollercoasters: you panic before you go on them, but then after you’re like DUDE MAN BRO ROCK. Then there’s the atmosphere. I hate all-day trips, they stress me out. You have to worry about clothes, will I need to change at any point, what will I eat, how much will I spend, are there bathrooms, what do I bring, how much can I logically carry at one time, will I be comfortable-- But my friend said we’d only be there from 12:30ish to 5PM because she had a birthday party at 6 she had to go to. Perfect. Not trapped all day. My next fear was crowds. I figured it wouldn’t be that bad on a weekday, plus it was the 2nd day of school for kids in California, maybe it’ll be empty. 

The only thing left to consider was me. Did I want to be in a place where it’s possible for me to have a panic attack, faint, or demand to go home? Would the people I was with be cool with it? Would I be comfortable with telling them how I was feeling if it got really bad? Did I really want to put myself in a situation just to possibly leave in a panic?

I decided it would be a social experiment for myself. I would go and see if I could keep myself under control. I wasn’t the 17-year old kid who peed their pants on a rollercoaster her senior year of high school anymore. I actually kind of like rollercoasters. Maybe I could eat some amusement park food and sit out a scary ride while my friends went on it. I’ll be fine.

The only way I know how to describe the anxiety and depression I feel right now is this: people always say it feels like there’s a dark cloud hanging over you, following you everywhere you go. I don’t feel that. I feel it inside me. I feel like there’s a dark, looming, cloudy, black, vile mass inside me, somewhere in my chest and gut, like a poisonous, amorphous ball of gas, trapped in me. It affects my breathing as if I had been smoking cigarettes for 30 years. It makes me feel ill. I just want to expel it. I don’t know how. Sometimes I feel like I want to make myself throw up because that will get the dark mass out. It won’t, so I don’t, but that’s how I feel-- like I need to get this “thing,” this gurgling, acidic pit in my stomach out.

For some reason, I pictured myself being able to get the “thing” out of me on a rollercoaster. I thought it would be the perfect way for me to lose complete control of my body and mind, and for those terrifying 30-seconds in the air while I’m twisting and twirling and scared and excited and my body is just functioning how its supposed to naturally respond to this sort of thrill, I would scream so loud that the “thing” would just fall out. I pictured myself just metaphorically vomiting out the mass because of how big my scream was and how little control I had writhing around 300 feet in the air.

It worked. For the rest of the day, I felt good and I wasn’t anxious. It was relieving to be able to have my body function like a normal body should, responding naturally as it should, not being controlled by my mind, the evil villain on most days. The “thing” left me. I’m still anxious today, but momentarily, I was fine, and that was enough to know that I’m going to make it through this. I still feel groggy and like someone is pushing my head down and like I’m looking through a clouded glass pane, but the pit inside me shrunk a little yesterday. I’m sure it’ll come back and fluctuate, but it feels halved right now and words can’t describe how thankful I am for that.

Were there some things that freaked me out yesterday? Sure. 20 minutes into waiting in the first line, I wanted to run to the bathroom and vomit. When I got strapped into the first rollercoaster and there was 1 minute of sitting on a metal monster, trapped by a machine that was centimeters from my chest made me feel like I was dying. I was claustrophobic and mortified by the lack of control once the giant chunk of metal was strapped against my chest. But once I was in the air and I truly lost control, it felt good.

If you like rollercoasters, go. Go today.

This has been an ad for the Six Flags Committee of Anxious People With Pits In Their Stomachs Association.

[jillboard]

Dear Gary...

Dear Gary,

I’m sorry for how I treated you yesterday. You saw how anxious I’ve been and you tried to help. You texted me yesterday morning and said you wanted to take me grocery shopping when you got off work. I was touched by how sweet and thoughtful it was. Grocery shopping is my least favorite activity in the world. You read my post about feeling trapped by my anxiety and therefore not being able to go grocery shopping, so you did the thing that everyone who experiences this wants you to do: you acknowledged the anxiety, said here’s how I can help in a non-threatening way and made me feel seen, heard and important. 

My anxiety gets worse at night. When 6:00PM rolled around, I was sitting at home listening to music with two of my friends and I had been out all day running errands. I did the same thing I always do when this time rolls around-- instead of going grocery shopping, I panicked and said “I want to stay home.” I texted you right before you left work and said “I’m not going.”

I understand where you were coming from when you said “too bad, I’m taking you,” but it backfired and it made me even more defensive and stuck. I refused to go and I didn’t use the nicest language to tell you that. I felt so trapped in my own mental state and physical place that I was paralyzed and I couldn’t convey enough how bad it truly was at that moment. You were really selfless and kind and told me you would just drive me around in your car even if I just sat there and cried. I truly was on the edge of tears because of how horrible I was feeling and I knew that could be a reality. I told you to turn around and was cold.

I hope you know that wasn’t me speaking, it was the monster known as anxiety. Or maybe it was me. Maybe my anxiety sometimes turns me into a monster and that’s just part of who I am now. I don’t know. But I wanted to apologize for treating you badly when you were trying to treat me well and showed me that you cared. Thank you. I’m sorry.

Jill

[jillboard]

The Anxiety Trap

As I mentioned yesterday, I’ve been probably doubly as anxious as I usually am and I’m experiencing this sort of circle of being trapped in the house.

All I have in the house right now is cereal and milk. That’s it. So every morning for the past literally five days, I’ve woken up, eaten cereal for breakfast, then had plans to go to Trader Joe’s to buy groceries for the rest of the day / week. However, I’m too anxious to go to Trader Joe’s. The thought of going grocery shopping makes me itch and twitch. I don’t even know what I would buy. What if I just stand there walking back and forth in the freezer aisle, never picking anything up because I can’t decide, looking to the outside eye like some robot that’s short circuiting, which I am. What if an employee tries to talk to me and ask me if I need help? Of course I need help, but not the kind they’re offering.

So there’s that. There’s me being too anxious to leave the house to go grocery shopping-- then there’s me around 6pm starving my fucking face off being like, “what have I done?” So every night for the past five days, I panic about where I’m going to go get cheap food that isn’t going to make me feel like shit-- side note, that doesn’t exist. And every night I end up waiting until fucking 9PM to get my ass out of the house and get something to eat. I’m draining my already barely-there bank account because I’m too anxious to go grocery shopping. The conundrum is: I’m actually leaving the house more to go out every night for dinner. Plus, when I’m there, I’m so crippled by anxiety that I just sit there in silence and stare at my friends until we go home.

Life is a highway!!!

[jillboard]

Another Anxiety Post

I changed the dosage of my anxiety medication and have felt completely and utterly insane the past few days...but on the bright side I think I got a totally relatable tumblr post out of it! WOO!

Here’s what’s been plaguing me: I constantly feel like I’m doing something wrong. It’s definitely an anxiety thing, but whether it’s in casual conversation, in social settings, in roommate stuff, work stuff, relationships-- literally everything.

If I’m late to something, my brain wants me to apologize to the person like, “hey, I’m so sorry I was 3 minutes late even though it felt like all the things that could possibly make someone late would accumulate and I would never get here and I totally understand if you never want to see or speak to me again because that is a valid excuse and this was probably most definitely the last straw for you goodbye.”

Like everything feels like the last straw. Everything! If I’m sitting quietly and someone asks me, “what’s wrong?” I’m like, oh wow, they probably think I’m miserable (I am) which means I always am miserable which means they think inviting me anywhere is such a burden because I’m always going to look and act miserable and what is the point of being friends with me if I’m a miserable person who no one wants to be around. My anxiety takes me to the farthest place it can go, the constant, improbable worst case scenario and makes it the probable and the realistic.

I swear to god, if I ever slip up and fart in public I think everyone in my life would leave me and I would be alone and unemployed and a leper my entire life.

Meanwhile, I’m sitting here watching the Olympic men’s gymnastics rings shit and fucking panicking.

[jillboard]

This Is Not A Post You Want To Read

Have y’all ever had Jimmy Johns? Well guess the fuck what. I tried it for the first time yesterday and had to rush home to throw up. I threw it up. You heard it here first folks: the tuna from Jimmy Johns will make you throw the fuck up.

Was I asking for it? Did I deserve it? I mean, I ordered the tuna, right? What is “deserving” anyway? What is “tuna?”

Maybe this is the beginning of the end of my rough patch. Maybe the “tuna” was my negative energy and I had to expel it. Cleanse. Purge. Rid myself of my own toxins.

Or maybe the “tuna” was trying to speak to me. Maybe it didn’t want me to eat it. It wanted to come home with me and hang out. It didn’t want to be just a one-time thing. Eat half now, save the rest for later. Maybe the “tuna” was a metaphor for Tinder. The tuna was trying to tell me that if I scarf something down too quickly, it’ll just come back up to show me I wasn’t ready for it. I’m not ready for it.

I don’t know. I couldn’t help but wonder-- was this “tuna” like Ryan Lochte’s hair? I mean, bleached hair is totally in, or at least used to be, but sometimes it just doesn’t work for YOU. Maybe, just maybe, even though I’ve had tuna hundreds of times before, this was just not the right time for tuna. My body rejected the tuna. Ryan Lochte’s image is rejecting HIS tuna. We’re all rejecting the “tuna.”

[jillboard]

Fuck Oceans 8

Did you hear the news? They’re doing an all-female reboot of Ocean’s 11 called Ocean’s 8. Casting news came out yesterday that some of the 8 women are Rihanna, Mindy Kaling and other fucking ridiculously awesome people. Don’t expect ME to be excited about this though.

For months before Oceans 8 was announced, I had been working on a screenplay that I described to people called “gay Ocean’s 11” about a network of 11 lesbians who pull of the con of the century. Was going to call it 11 Dykes. So if you’re sitting out there PUMPED about Ocean’s 8, don’t expect ME to join in. Just cause I’m a lesbian and a feminist and a big fan of the Ghostbusters reboot doesn’t mean I have to be AMPED about a fucking movie about SCAMS with Mindy Kaling and motherfucking RI.HAN.NA.

FUCK

EVERYTHING

Look for 11 Dykes 2018.

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Where Is All The US Women’s Olympic Team Merch??

If you follow me on Twitter, then you know I’m obsessed with the Olympics. I’ve been watching nonstop and am not only engrossed by the bodies but also by the faces of the cute dad-like coaches when they see their athletes win. Oh god. The emotions.

But here’s what’s really sharpening my pencil: I’m big into the US Women’s Soccer team. How can I not be? Megan Rapinoe? Alex Morgan? Carli Lloyd? I mean come on. It’s a no brainer. So naturally, I want to buy some US Women’s Soccer team merch. Guess what. THEY’RE FUCKING ISN’T ANY.

Does anyone know of any US Women’s Soccer team merch? I literally have ravaged through the internet plus all of the official websites, have seen scant jerseys, some of players that aren’t even on the team anymore, some of players that aren’t popular... I don’t know. It’s been very sporadic, hard to find and EXTREMELY disappointing. 

I’m a fan of other female athletes too. I also can’t find Katie Ledecky t-shirts, Simone Biles, Aly fucking Raisman, Gabby Douglas.. What is going on here? Athletes are some of the biggest role models young girls have, and when you have a role model, you’re gonna want to show your support. Plus, I don’t want to buy an official soccer jersey for $160. I want a cute graphic tee with their cute faces on it and their names. 

If you know of any US Olympic female athlete merch, please send it my way. But meanwhile, I’m makin’ T-SHIRTS.

P.S. ALY. FUCKING. RAISMAN.

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NEW Straight Girls Talk Show! This week, Monica teaches you how to be straight. It can be hard keeping up with all the rules society laid down for us-- but Monica is here to help.

I’m offended by my own video!