to the antis who want me to kill myself because of a ship that isn't a perfect happy paradise
maybe some people don’t want to always tell the clean, moral, healthy stories
maybe we want it dirty
we want it gross
we want it ‘w t f’
maybe some people have been through the darkness and they don’t want to pretend it doesn’t exist by only shipping fluffy ubu kisses
why deny the darkness that was a part of my shaping? why deny where i come from and what i’ve survived?
maybe they just like weird and gross shit in fiction because it’s interesting (no one calls the crime show writers real criminals, so why am i a rapist for writing about my own assault?)
maybe my ptsd is so bad i cant leave the house today, especially after 20 messages from teenage antis telling me that i deserve to die and that the best thing for this world would be for me to take myself out
but going somewhere dark, safely in fiction where i wont be harmed, is the only control ive ever been allowed to have
shipping is not real. these characters arent real.
my scars are. even the ones you cant see, the ones you don’t care about because youre fake and don’t actually want to support and protect survivors. mental scars for miles, mental scars so full of static until i take my meds
until i break down and realize
im still alive, im still alive
and pen in my hand, i want to go the places that scare me
the places that are hard to process
the places that make my heart race
my stomach twist
my toes curl
and feeling, feeling
even the grossest things
the unhealthiest
the twisted
the dark
and i’m still here
and i won’t die because you think i’m not clean enough
i’ll never be clean. that’s what assault and trauma did to me
but i dont need to be clean
to feel my pulse
to feel
to feel
to feel
to feel
dailybridgerton
2087
discoholicmusic
titsay
