The Adhd Eldritch Horror

This was supposed to be a shitposting blog and it quickly devolved into me posting mentally-ill shit - I’m non-bieni (agender)

[jinglyhigh-heels]

*faceplants into my pillow and screams and cries*

[jinglyhigh-heels]

Ya know, when I phrase it like that, it doesn’t make me feel so awful. Sometimes you mess up* at work and it feels awful.

*I personally don’t think it was really a mess up. It took me a little longer than I expected to do something, and my manager was confused about ‘what exactly I had been doing for so long.’ I wasn’t fucking around or anything, so really I didn’t do anything wrong… I don’t think there’s anything to punish me for… but I just don’t know how long it was supposed to take me. And we didn’t have long to talk about it, since she was leaving. So now I’m just gonna be an anxious mess all weekend. G r e a t.

[jinglyhigh-heels]

Had a really great time reading a comic on Tumblr, and right as I was finishing it, I got hit with another wave of anxiety. Oh god, I think it really did take me forever??? Like, seriously, what took me so long?? I, I guess it could’ve been cuz I didn’t take my ADHD meds today?? But, was it really so bad?? Uuuugh oh gooood this suuuucks. I feel fuckin awful, like I’m completely incapable of human-ing. I want to run away. I don’t wanna have to deal with going in to work on Monday to be scolded. I don’t even know what I did wrong! Did I space out or something? Did I just walk really, really slowly? I didn’t sit down and take breaks or anything. I was working the entire time. But that’s the biggest problem…is this even fixable? Am I just fundamentally broken? Unable to do my job in a timely manner? And the thing is, this job is pretty fuckin easy. It’s no retail, that’s for sure.

My pride/stubbornness would never let me actually quit n run, but I guess it’s also helpful that I need this job. It’s not even a possibility for me to give in to the shame. I. Just have to deal with it.

But unfortunately! I can’t. Do that. Until Monday. I can’t ‘deal’ with this on my own. But it just sucks. I feel icky when I think about doing things I know are fun. Reading a new comic was fine, but when I think of listening and dancing to the music I like, or rewatching a show that cheers me up? I don’t wanna think about what exactly I feel.

I don’t wanna lose another fucking weekend to feeling like this again! I can’t! I need to get my shit together so I can move in two weeks! I’m already cutting it really close. I don’t go to the new place during the week, cuz I just spend the rest of the day rotting in bed (which is probably not normal. I know this.), so the weekend is all I really have. And I have so much to do.

[jinglyhigh-heels]

Still feelin like shit, woop-woop…

[jinglyhigh-heels]

Oop, pulled an all nighter reading a fic lol. I did make progress in moving and prepping my apartment, but not as much as I would’ve liked :( Between feeling like shit yesterday and being only somewhat lucid today though, I think that’s to be expected. I started another sentence before doing something else and I don’t know what else I was gonna say so I think this is it. I sleepy.

[jinglyhigh-heels]

Sometimes I worry I have an anxiety issue. But I really don’t want to. I know the stigma, the impact that diagnosis can have in what I’m able to do. I’m too tired to articulate this more.

[jinglyhigh-heels]

*faceplants into my pillow and screams and cries*

[jinglyhigh-heels]

Ya know, when I phrase it like that, it doesn’t make me feel so awful. Sometimes you mess up* at work and it feels awful.

*I personally don’t think it was really a mess up. It took me a little longer than I expected to do something, and my manager was confused about ‘what exactly I had been doing for so long.’ I wasn’t fucking around or anything, so really I didn’t do anything wrong… I don’t think there’s anything to punish me for… but I just don’t know how long it was supposed to take me. And we didn’t have long to talk about it, since she was leaving. So now I’m just gonna be an anxious mess all weekend. G r e a t.

[jinglyhigh-heels]

Had a really great time reading a comic on Tumblr, and right as I was finishing it, I got hit with another wave of anxiety. Oh god, I think it really did take me forever??? Like, seriously, what took me so long?? I, I guess it could’ve been cuz I didn’t take my ADHD meds today?? But, was it really so bad?? Uuuugh oh gooood this suuuucks. I feel fuckin awful, like I’m completely incapable of human-ing. I want to run away. I don’t wanna have to deal with going in to work on Monday to be scolded. I don’t even know what I did wrong! Did I space out or something? Did I just walk really, really slowly? I didn’t sit down and take breaks or anything. I was working the entire time. But that’s the biggest problem…is this even fixable? Am I just fundamentally broken? Unable to do my job in a timely manner? And the thing is, this job is pretty fuckin easy. It’s no retail, that’s for sure.

My pride/stubbornness would never let me actually quit n run, but I guess it’s also helpful that I need this job. It’s not even a possibility for me to give in to the shame. I. Just have to deal with it.

But unfortunately! I can’t. Do that. Until Monday. I can’t ‘deal’ with this on my own. But it just sucks. I feel icky when I think about doing things I know are fun. Reading a new comic was fine, but when I think of listening and dancing to the music I like, or rewatching a show that cheers me up? I don’t wanna think about what exactly I feel.

I don’t wanna lose another fucking weekend to feeling like this again! I can’t! I need to get my shit together so I can move in two weeks! I’m already cutting it really close. I don’t go to the new place during the week, cuz I just spend the rest of the day rotting in bed (which is probably not normal. I know this.), so the weekend is all I really have. And I have so much to do.

[jinglyhigh-heels]

Still feelin like shit, woop-woop…

[jinglyhigh-heels]

*faceplants into my pillow and screams and cries*

[jinglyhigh-heels]

Ya know, when I phrase it like that, it doesn’t make me feel so awful. Sometimes you mess up* at work and it feels awful.

*I personally don’t think it was really a mess up. It took me a little longer than I expected to do something, and my manager was confused about ‘what exactly I had been doing for so long.’ I wasn’t fucking around or anything, so really I didn’t do anything wrong… I don’t think there’s anything to punish me for… but I just don’t know how long it was supposed to take me. And we didn’t have long to talk about it, since she was leaving. So now I’m just gonna be an anxious mess all weekend. G r e a t.

[jinglyhigh-heels]

Had a really great time reading a comic on Tumblr, and right as I was finishing it, I got hit with another wave of anxiety. Oh god, I think it really did take me forever??? Like, seriously, what took me so long?? I, I guess it could’ve been cuz I didn’t take my ADHD meds today?? But, was it really so bad?? Uuuugh oh gooood this suuuucks. I feel fuckin awful, like I’m completely incapable of human-ing. I want to run away. I don’t wanna have to deal with going in to work on Monday to be scolded. I don’t even know what I did wrong! Did I space out or something? Did I just walk really, really slowly? I didn’t sit down and take breaks or anything. I was working the entire time. But that’s the biggest problem…is this even fixable? Am I just fundamentally broken? Unable to do my job in a timely manner? And the thing is, this job is pretty fuckin easy. It’s no retail, that’s for sure.

My pride/stubbornness would never let me actually quit n run, but I guess it’s also helpful that I need this job. It’s not even a possibility for me to give in to the shame. I. Just have to deal with it.

But unfortunately! I can’t. Do that. Until Monday. I can’t ‘deal’ with this on my own. But it just sucks. I feel icky when I think about doing things I know are fun. Reading a new comic was fine, but when I think of listening and dancing to the music I like, or rewatching a show that cheers me up? I don’t wanna think about what exactly I feel.

I don’t wanna lose another fucking weekend to feeling like this again! I can’t! I need to get my shit together so I can move in two weeks! I’m already cutting it really close. I don’t go to the new place during the week, cuz I just spend the rest of the day rotting in bed (which is probably not normal. I know this.), so the weekend is all I really have. And I have so much to do.

[jinglyhigh-heels]

*faceplants into my pillow and screams and cries*

[jinglyhigh-heels]

Ya know, when I phrase it like that, it doesn’t make me feel so awful. Sometimes you mess up* at work and it feels awful.

*I personally don’t think it was really a mess up. It took me a little longer than I expected to do something, and my manager was confused about ‘what exactly I had been doing for so long.’ I wasn’t fucking around or anything, so really I didn’t do anything wrong… I don’t think there’s anything to punish me for… but I just don’t know how long it was supposed to take me. And we didn’t have long to talk about it, since she was leaving. So now I’m just gonna be an anxious mess all weekend. G r e a t.

[jinglyhigh-heels]

*faceplants into my pillow and screams and cries*

[jinglyhigh-heels]

On my fucking period and it SUCKS. First two days always have the worst cramps and flow. And I’m fucking working. First time working while on my period in like two years. I keep getting fucking cramps and it’s just awful. I feel like my face keeps scrunching up in pain but I don’t know that my manager would actually recognize it as pain vs confusion. It’s not constant—thank god—but it keeps coming back and every time I just wanna go home. But I’d have to explain it somehow and there’s no real way to do so without saying it’s a period. An injury is too serious (and not a one-day thing), I’m obviously not sick, and I don’t have a disability that makes this common.

And I don’t think it would be too big a deal to just say, “I’m on my period and in pain can I go home”, but it would create precedence. I literally just got back on testosterone, so I don’t expect to get my period literally ever again. And, well, testosterone is not the first thing that comes to people’s mind when someone who used to get periods doesn’t get them again.

I’m aware that’s unlikely though, and it’s not my biggest concern. The first one being that it’s in my manager’s nature to ask follow up questions. One I fully expect is, “are your periods usually painful?” It makes sense to ask, as it makes her prepared should I pop back up to her office in a month or so. However, I go back to the previous point of me starting testosterone again. I don’t expect to get another period. But that’s not the answer to that question, and I’m not always great at. Questions. The answer is, “this is pretty typical, but I got my first period in like 2 years just 2 months ago, so I’m completely unused to this level of pain.” The natural follow up question being, of course, “why no periods in two years?” And I’m always down to give information, I’m not embarrassed by using testosterone or anything, and I definitely enjoy teaching people things they didn’t know before (which, in this case I imagine she doesn’t known testosterone stops periods). But I also really don’t think it’s any of her business. I like sharing, but I don’t wanna set the precedence that I need to share this level on information to get a half day.

The second problem is my coworkers. I don’t really care if my manager knows I’m on my period (so long as she doesn’t treat me any differently for it), but I super really don’t want my coworkers to know. And since we work in a group, they’d have to be told something about my absence.

But, I don’t really like the option of staying.

My job is chill (thank god), but it involves (small!) amounts of driving. Pain + driving is not always the greatest idea. When it flares, my pain is like a 5. When it settles a bit, it’s a 4. Otherwise it’s a 1. Reasonable and manageable, but still. I’d rather just not drive. Though, I think my coworker will accept a simple “I don’t wanna drive” (and not tell my manager—I’m supposed to be the one driving everywhere since I’m still new). Yes, I think I will give that a shot. The rest of my job is seriously so frickin chill, I don’t need to miss the money. Plus, I hate sitting in bed feeling sorry for myself.

[jinglyhigh-heels]

Okay, mental health officially ~past the tipping point!~ :D Okay me, just remember. Repeat after me.

You have felt like this before, and it always passes. Sure it will return. But it will pass again. Despite what this one person’s opinion is, you are skilled and hold value. Not holding one skill is not going to ruin this. And if it does—well. Hopefully you can find another job fast enough to make rent.

[jinglyhigh-heels]

Hm, this is a problem. Two days in a row I’ve been in emotional distress, and both nights I ended up getting shitty sleep. Yesterday wasn’t quite today’s all nighter, but it’s possible the fact today is Juneteenth (no work) impacted that. I need better coping skills.

[jinglyhigh-heels]

Okay, mental health officially ~past the tipping point!~ :D Okay me, just remember. Repeat after me.

You have felt like this before, and it always passes. Sure it will return. But it will pass again. Despite what this one person’s opinion is, you are skilled and hold value. Not holding one skill is not going to ruin this. And if it does—well. Hopefully you can find another job fast enough to make rent.

[jinglyhigh-heels]

Was reading a really good tadc fic with a REALLY COOL AND UNIQUE Caine and a deeply flawed Pomni and I was loving it a lot until the author revealed that Pomni’s complex relationship with Caine was because she was still upset about Gummigoo. Which the author then had other characters get mad at her for. Which like. I just. She had some really interesting character traits worth exploring but nooo screw all that she’s just being obstinate because she’s upset about the death of her friend. Which would be fucking fine if the author had actually treated it as her being upset about the death of her friend!! But no, narratively she’s being silly because it’s a ‘guy she met once.’ Bah.

[jinglyhigh-heels]

People have such shit takes about Tenna and it’s making me lose my mind. As in, I just saw a post where someone claims that Tenna is receiving the misogyny treatment. Tenna. A man. One of the most popular characters in the Deltarune fandom.

You can’t make this shit up.

But anyway. I bite my tongue. I post here, on the alt no one looks at (thank god). I get why these people think this way. They love Tenna. He’s their blorbo. And at the end of the day, with the exception of the “Tenna treatment = misogyny” post (which I still can’t believe is something that someone actually posted), these beliefs aren’t really indicative of anything worth fighting. They’re just wrong and annoying. Sometimes you just gotta allow people their fun. Hopefully Tenna won’t be back in chapter 5 outside of the one Mikes bit, and we can forget about him. And about the misogyny poster? Annoyed me too much. Instant block.

[jinglyhigh-heels]

My mental health is getting Worse and I keep trying to do things to help it out but it feels like delaying the inevitable return to the sadness. I hate summer.

[jinglyhigh-heels]

I’m taking an IT support course on Coursera (for free; thanks college!), and they’re ‘teaching’ me abstraction again 😭 last lesson was about binary counting. I feel like I’m loosing my mind

[jinglyhigh-heels]

Ugh okay I’ve given it Hours and it Still pisses me off so ig im gonna talk about it.

I didn’t take a screenshot (it was from a community and I staunchly refuse to join those, but it was definitely extremely difficult to keep myself back this time), but someone took a screenshot of someone (validly) criticizing how people seem to criticize Ragatha for crashing out on Jax that one time, more so than they criticize Jax for causing that.

For clarity, I’m going to call the creator of that original post OP, and the person who replied and made the community post, PO (idk I’m not feeling creative).

In the screenshot, PO then reblogs OP’s post and says something along the lines of ‘wow we didn’t know that [Jax is an asshole] thanks for telling us, we all hate Jax now.’ In the community post where they shared this screenshot, PO then said that OP blocked them, and said to “guess why” or something like that, sarcasm which, in my interpretation, was them saying “they blocked me because I like Jax” or smth, but what I really want to say is:

No! They fucking blocked you because you’re an asshole who pisses on the poor!

I can’t remember OP’s exact words, but I thought it was pretty fuckin clear they weren’t bashing Jax fans. Hell, they weren’t even fucking TALKING about Jax! They were talking about how people unjustly criticize RAGATHA, and said that “if she an Jax swapped genders, people would be die hard defenders of Ragatha like they are him.”

Anyway. This still pisses me off. Glad OP is free of PO’s bs and won’t randomly come across their idiocy.

[importantcatpics]

[jinglyhigh-heels]

I am going to be lonely Forever and this feeling is definitely not related to me accidentally saying something in the wrong discord channel (a Very Minor social faux pas)

[jinglyhigh-heels]

I might be getting some cats aaaa. I’m ranting here because I don’t want to tell anyone irl (despite really wanting to at the same time), because I’m not actually sure if I’m getting them yet, and also because I’m not convinced that this is the best idea. So. I’d rather avoid judgement until I know for sure that this is happening.

But why am I doing this if I’m not sure it’s the best idea, you may ask.

Well, I’m hoping for it to be more of a ‘foster’ situation. A friend of someone who attends the same event as I do (we have literally no relationship) is leaving the state this Sunday, and is looking for someone to adopt their cats. They really don’t want to give them to the shelter, which I definitely understand.

But I do not wish to adopt them. I already have a cat, who’s living with my parents. He doesn’t live with me because my apartment is too small for him I think. He’s used to living in a house, with a garden. But I already have plans to move in to a bigger apartment with a cat-loving friend this summer, meaning I’ll finally get to live with him again.

Problem is, he’s not the biggest fan of other cats.

He gets along well enough with my family’s senior cat, who he’s lived with for practically all his life, but he doesn’t really interact with her. And my parents got a new cat, and he won’t even play if she’s in the room. He hisses at her too. Moving him to a new house, with new cats? I can’t imagine that going well.

So: fostering! A couple problems, still. One being that the owner would prefer that they find their forever home, understandably. The other being that, as I previously mentioned, my apartment’s pretty small. I believe it’s 400, 410 square feet. For one cat? That’s fine. But two? Ehhh, I’m not so sure.

First thing I asked about was their temperament: apparently, their only defining trait is that they like to hide?? Not…super possible in an apartment my size, but I’d get them a donut or something. If that’s all, then surely they’d be fine. (I’m not convinced that’s all though.)

But like. Man idek know if they’re spayed, up to date on their vaccinations, or even what they look like. 😭 I just really wanna help em man. I have cat fever. I REALLY want this to work out. I have been ripping apart my apartment for the past three hours to make more room for them.

However, I’m not going to be completely dumb about this. I’m definitely going to ask their owner more questions, and hopefully they’ll be able to come by my apartment and see whether they think it’s a good fit for their kitties. If I could do this for them, I would be so happy.

[jinglyhigh-heels]

Hmm okay, so the last text was at 20:00 last night, and it read: “They said they could try to come back during the summer and take them with them” (I’m talking with the friend of the owner not the owner themself). I’m not actually sure whether this means they’re still good to live with me or whether they’ll be staying with the person I’m talking with (tbh I can’t remember whether they’re roommates or just friends). I’m starting to lean more towards the latter, cuz if I was in this situation I would be texting a lot more lol.

Edit: it has now been almost 24 hours with no update, so it was definitely the latter.

[jinglyhigh-heels]

ITS HAPPENING!! The cats are only gonna be here two weeks though, which I think is great. Now I don’t have to tell my leasing office and pay pet deposit and rent. 🥳 Their owner will be picking them up after two weeks, and I’m so happy for them. Again, I dunno their relationship with their kitties, but. Ik I would be happy if I got to keep kitties I thought I’d have to give away.

Time to renew my cleaning efforts!!!

[jinglyhigh-heels]

A lack of communication Stresses Me Out.

Paraphrased (for plausible deniability on the VERY off chance the person recognizes the context), here is what I sent the owner today at 11:

“What time would you like to bring them over? Though, I do have a few questions first.

Would you be willing to give me their cat supplies for the duration of their visit? I don’t have any of my own, plus I think they’d be more comfortable with stuff that has their scent.

Second, is there anything I should I know about their behavior? Are they good about litter boxes? Do they scratch carpet? Do they like to play?

And finally, are they up to date on their vaccinations? Flea and rabies especially.”

And they haven’t responded at all. 😭 I’m moderately concerned about the vaccinations/medicine thing. I still haven’t even SEEN these cats (like not even in a photo) so I have no. clue. whether they have fleas or, lord forbid, bed bugs. Eugh.

Also, the owner leaves Sunday?! I’m super empathetic—moving is stressful, I know—but if it were me I’d want this out of the way ASAP. It’s why I haven’t been pestering them about it (except to let them know I’m not gonna be available for a huge chunk of time tomorrow).

But still!! It’s anxiety inducing for me!! I like having stuff Planned. I just really want their answers that way I can know before the day they move that I can for sure take these cats. Cuz I don’t think I could emotionally handle fleas man.

I’ve been hovering over my phone like all day. I would like the anticipation to leave please.

[jinglyhigh-heels]

Hopefully this is the last post I make about this. So, we have officially landed on the ‘won’t they’ of the will they won’t they game. At 20:00 last night I messaged them letting them know I would be busy for most of Saturday, and then at 20:00 on Saturday I said, “Sorry to bother you again, but I believe your friend said that you’re leaving tomorrow? Just wanted to check in and see what the plan is.” The plan was, apparently, to give their cats to a shelter. Without telling me. Or responding to any of my messages actually, for two whole days. And I’m still very empathetic; ik moving is tough. But that doesn’t change the fact that I feel very emotionally wrung out rn. I’ve been living in anticipation for days now, even when I wasn’t entirely sure this would be happening. I did So much cleaning and reorganizing of my apartment (when I SHOULD have been doing homework).

I said something in the wrong channel in Discord and now feel like never participating in that event again. (It is literally Not a big deal)

Ugh. Not a good day, basically. I’m gonna make myself some spam n rice for breakfast later (trust).