golden | jj maybank [ 1 – fine line series ]
༄ fine line is a series based on harry styles’ album ‘fine line’, which means each chapter is named – and is highly inspired – after its songs. ⁂
༄ finally the first chapter!! please, let me know what you think. feedbacks and reblogs are always appreciated :)) also, english is my not my first language, i apologize in advance for any mistakes. also let me know if you want to be tagged in the next parts! love u all
༄ pairing jj maybank x reader
༄ chapter warnings a n g s t, mention of abuse, tiny mention of blood, lots of fluff, mention of sex
༄ chapter summary in which jj maybank goes on a trip on a van with his sunshine and realizes that he’s falling in love.
༄ series summary jj maybank didn’t know there was more to life than having sex and feeling sad. in the darkest moment of his life, he didn't believe there was any way to be happy. until he met his sunshine.
JJ had no idea how long he'd been pacing back and forth in his room. His soft, quivering hands covered his ears, though his father's screams – which each time seemed to become more and more incessant – had been over for quite some time. And yet, he couldn't get his harsh words out of his mind, no matter how much he tried.
“You’re useless!”
“And you wonder why your mother left you”
“If you were dead, I wouldn’t have all these problems”
Tears ran down his pale, candid face at the mere thought of those sharp words, but he immediately wiped them away with his large palms, trying to ward off those thoughts that only hurt him more.
He sat on the bed, doing his best to control his still wheezing, sobbing breath. A few minutes went by while JJ tried to push those negative thoughts away, but as soon as he opened his eyes and noticed the mess in his room, he could feel his anger rise again quickly.
He had lost track of how long he had not cleaned his room, and every time he set foot in it, it seemed more and more messy. Old papers – probably ripped pages of some books lent to him by Pope – and plastic snack wrappers constantly sound-off to remind him of their existence, crinkling when stepped on and elusively scratching him when he was unaware of their presence. Bottles of beers were left on the ground, alongiside a pile of clothes that seemed to never end. Scattered coins, numerous enough to resemble a field of mines, somehow worked their way into the trenches of the bed. A pack of sigarettes had its place on the bedside table, still unused – not that JJ cared; everyone knew about his preference for weed.
And then, he could see traces of blood on the floor. On the walls covered with posters of his favourite pop punk bands. On the mirror, now broken because of the continuous punches that he himself gave every time he and his father quarreled. JJ knew that getting hurt wouldn't do him any good. But how could he control himself after everything he was going through? His friends always told him. "Don't be so reckless!", but what did they know about what he was really going through inside those walls? And they tried to help him, but JJ prevented them from doing so. And they certainly didn't press him, no matter how much they cared about JJ – they knew he was a hard head.
But there was one person JJ trusted blindly, more than the other pogues.
His sunshine.
At the mere thought of her big, bright eyes, her contagious smile and her melodious voice, an unconscious but sincere smile appeared on JJ's face.
Y/N was different from all those girls he had spent a night with. She was a kook with the heart of a pogue, but in truth she was not like all the other teenagers on the island. JJ never thought he would meet someone so pure, so kind. But most of all he never thought he would meet someone who could understand him so well and give him his space at the same time. He was used to people wanting to "fix him", but she wasn't like that. She knew everything about JJ's father, she knew how much he suffered for that situation. But she also knew that it was not her job to "fix him" - simply because there was nothing wrong with JJ.
And she was the only one who saw him in that way.
His thoughts were interrupted by a sudden noise coming from the window. At first he didn't pay too much attention to it, believing that it was simply the wind banging against the glass. But when the noise became more persistent, JJ got out of bed and walked towards the said aperture, so he could understand what - or rather who - was on the outside.
He certainly did not expect, as soon as he opened the window, to get a pebble right on his nose, making him hiss at the sudden pain.
“Fucking finally!”
His eyes immediately widened when he heard her voice, a voice he would recognize among a thousand.
He could see her smile printed on her face, and a sense of warmth pervaded his whole body.
"Y/N? What are you doing here?" he asked, a sense of disbelief leaked out of his voice. "And do you know that there is a front door in every house?" he asked rhetorically, letting a slight laughter escape his mouth.
"Oh I know!" - she exclaimed, placing her hands on her hips - "but I wanted it to be a surprise! By the way, you haven't even answered my calls or texts, so..."
JJ looked at her in a confused way, turning towards the messy room, looking for his phone, surely immersed in piles of clothes and in silent mode.
"Uh, sorry about that..." he said, his voice almost a whisper.
"It doesn't matter, now move your ass and come down. You and I have things to do," she said, her smile even bigger than before.
“How the hell I’m supposed to come down?!” A low, muffled groan left his pink lips at the thought of jumping down from such a great high - or maybe it was just JJ who was scared to fall with his face on the ground in front of the girl he liked.
“Don’t be a pussy and jump!” - The girl let go of the grip of her hands from her hips and opened her arms. A swaggering smile was printed on her clean face, as if to tease him - “I’ll catch you.”
He let out a soft chuckle, shaking his head at her boldness. With a deep, long sigh he gave one last look at the girl below her, who was impatiently signaling him to move, before jumping off the window, falling directly on the ground with his butt.
He hissed at the pain, earning a loud, merry laugh from the girl in front of him, who was extending her hand for him to reach it. He grabbed it immediately, noticing how small was compared to his. It wasn’t certainly the first time that they held hands, but everytime he couldn’t help but think how perfectly their hands combined.
“Shall we go?” She helped him get up from the ground, smiling when she noticed his gaze on their intertwined hands. His gloomy, somber mood was quickly changing at her genuin enthusiasm, something that he immediately noticed in her and made her stand out among the others.
“Where are we going?” he asked, trying to follow her rapid but still graceful movements.
“You’ll see,” She gave him a wink, walking at a faster speed.
His eyes suddenly widened when he noticed his friend John B’s orange van, the same him and the pogues used to spend the happiest moments in. But this time it was different, because there was no John B, nor Kiara, not even his dearest comrade Pope. It was just the two of them, no one else.
Golden, golden, golden
As I open my eyes
Hold it, focus, hoping
Take me back to the light
I know you were way too bright for me
I'm hopeless, broken
So you wait for me in the sky
Browns my skin just right
The sun was slowly going down the horizon, but its rays still illuminated her already radiant face. He couldn’t help but stare her features, the same ones she was sometimes so insecure about. But for JJ, she was the most beautiful person who could exist. Both outside and inside.
He looked at her small, delicate figure sit on the now ruined driver seat, herhands firmly placed on the steering wheel, while her bright eyes looked at the deserted road in front of her. He watched how her plump, crimson lips curved into a smile while humming along with a random indie song coming from the radio. Sometimes her head turned to the right, your gaze pointed at the waves of the sea who seemed to have changed their colour to a dull mixture of yellow and orange. He couldn’t see her face, but he got a better vision of her neck instead, the same one he loved to leave gentle marks on.
The view in front of him was truly beautiful, probably the most beautiful he has ever seen. And in that moment he wanted to say something, simply thanking her for her presence. Deep down, JJ acknowledged that she must have thought that something was happening that day between him and his father. Especially after not answering her calls and messages. He surely didn’t expect her to appear under his window, but he was beyond thankful that she did. And he was even more thankful when she didn’t question anything, knowing how much he disliked when people did that.
“Staring is rude,” her sweet, gentle voice woke him up from his thoughts. He blinked at her remark, chuckling as soon as he noticed a smirk plastered on her still illuminated face.
“I can’t help it,” he responds, grabbing one of her hands and kissing it softly.
She blushes at his gentle touch, still not used to his gesture of intimacy. Sure, they’ve been dating for a couple of months now, and certainly he has never left her unsatisfied, but she knew how he was when it came to physical affection. So she never pushed him to do things without his consent.
“Thank you.”
His voice was low, almost a whisper. But Y/N heard it. She gave him a sympathetic look, however careful to look at the road in front of her. Then she shook her head, as if she didn’t want any thanks.
“You don’t have to thank me,” she said, giving him the most sincere smile.
She left his hand, placing on the wheel once again. JJ was taken aback by her action, not fully understanding why she did it. The truth was that she didn’t expect anything from JJ, because everything she did for him, was something that everyone should do. Or so that’s what she thought. And it didn’t take much for JJ to understand it too.
You're so golden
You're so golden
I'm out of my head
And I know that you're scared
Because hearts get broken
Realisation hit him like a train. It was the first time he felt this way. He couldn't explain it, but it was something that made him excited and scared at the same time. Only at that moment, even though he had known she for quite a while, he did realize how special she really was to him. How much she cared about him more than anyone else, that you would be there no matter what. And not because JJ was a sad, sex-addict 18-years-old that everyone wanted to change in what they stated was “better”, but because she loved him as he was and she would have done nothing to change him.
And when she turned to him one more time, giving him a playful smile, he felt for the first time what people called “butterflies in the stomach”. He felt weak, staring at her innocent eyes, almost trembling noticing her full gaze on him.
He hadn't even noticed that she had stopped the car over a hill, the breathtaking view of the Outer Banks in front of them.
“Here we are,” she said happily, rushing to open the door. JJ stopped her movements by placing a large, soft hand on her thigh. She looked at him with a confused expression, slightly closing the door.
She instantly gave him a smirk, this time earning a questioning look from her boyfriend.
“What’s that look?” he asked, a dry laugh escaping his lips.
“You don’t want to have sex?” she asked, pointing at the backseats with a slight motion of her head.
He chuckled at her words, shaking his head. “No,” – he answered, widening his eyes when he realised what he just said –“I-I mean, yes! With you, always. But...I just want to stay here”
“We stayed in the van this whole time...” she said, a hint of confusion still present in her tone.
“Please?” he gave her his best puppy eyes, earning a giggle from the girl.
“Fine,” she got comfortable in her seat, placing her feet on the steering wheel, admiring the view in front of her.
“Beautiful...” she stated. Even though she has lived in the Outer Banks for most of her life, she was always taken aback by the beauty of that place.
“Mhm, beautiful.” JJ agreed, but Y/N didn’t notice that he wasn’t even giving attention to the sight in front of him, much to the girl on his side who appeared more ethereal than ever.
“Y’know, there’s something about this van that makes everything that I do so special...” he says, making her head turn to him.
“Really?”
“Yes,” he stared into her curious eyes, licking his lips.
I don't wanna be alone
I don't wanna be alone
When it ends
Don't wanna let you know
I don't wanna be alone
But I, I can feel it take a hold (I can feel it take a hold)
I can feel you take control (I can feel you take control)
Of who I am and all I've ever known
Loving you's the antidote
“I’ve always done everything in this van with, y’know, JB, Kie or Pope.”
“Well, this sounds ambiguous” she interrupted him with one of her soft laughters.
“And I’m the dirty minded, huh?” – he questioned, raising his eyebrow in a playful manner – “But ew, no thank you. I mean, not ew. But like, they’re my best friends. I’ve never thought of them in that way.”
“We spent the whole afternoons in this van, driving for hours and singing our favourite songs. Sometimes we even ran away from the police, I still remember Gary’s ugly expressions while he was trying to follow us, of course he never caught us.” he laughed, imagining those past memories. He felt a feeling of nostalgia pervading his body, making his sigh deeply.
The truth was that JJ missed those moments more than anything else. He missed his friends, their long talks and all the nonsense they did together. It was now hard for them to see each other, since John B had found a job that kept him busy all day long, and both Kie and Pope had started college and dedicated their free time to studying. That’s why JJ was, in fact, left alone. His father was certainly not his favourite company, and the only way he could have fun was to get high and occasionally fuck some girl at a random party.
But since JJ had met Y/N, his life had changed for the better. Even though he was alone, locked in his room, doing absolutely nothing, he couldn't really feel alone. Because he knew that she was always there for him, even if not physically. All it took was one call, one message. And sometimes he was ashamed to contact her but she was always there, in front of his door, not caring that his drunk, violent father might be there. Sometimes he didn't even have to call her, because she always showed up unexpectedly, as if she felt that he needed her in that moment.
Golden
You're so golden
I don't wanna be alone
You're so golden
You're so golden
I'm out of my head
And I know that you're scared
Because hearts get broken
“It’s called intentionality,” she said, pausing when she notices JJ’s questioning but curious gaze on her “It is when you associate a particular thought or memory to an object. If you think about it, this van is just a van, but you have given it a meaning, a value. That's why for you it's not just a piece of junk about to break – sorry John B – but something much more special, much deeper.”
She giggled at his startled expression, shaking her head slightly. “I’m sorry, that was weird. You probably didn’t care about that”
He immediately grabbed her face, placing his palms on her soft cheeks. His thumb massages her cheekbone, while he closed the distance between them and placed his lips on hers.
She immediately deepened the kiss, giving access to his tongue to enter her mouth. He moaned silently when her tongue played with his in a teasing way, her hands going behind his neck, making him get closer to her body.
And in the moment they left each other’s mouth, JJ felt a weird feeling on his chest. It was not one of those kisses that they usually shared. It felt intense, too intense.
I know that you're scared
Because I'm so open
“It wasn’t weird,” he whispered, licking his lips. “Actually it was probably one of the most truthful things I’ve ever heard”
She gave him a smile, before pecking his pink lips multiple times.
“You’re the only one who truly knows me...” he said with a whispering tone, still close to her lips. “...I don’t deserve you, Y/N”
He went for another kiss, but she stopped his movements, placing a hand on his chest.
“Why are you saying that?”
You're so golden
I don't wanna be alone
You're so golden
You're so golden
You're so golden
I'm out of my head
“Because...I’ve never met anyone like you, Y/N. And it almost scares me...all of this. Us. You are...you. And i’m me. I’m JJ Maybank. The same JJ that everyone hates, the same JJ that doesn’t deserve any of this...”
Y/N heard a hint of sadness in his voice, almost breaking. “JJ, look at me.”
She grabbed his face this time, lifting his head so she could look directly at his now teary eyes.
“Yes, you’re JJ Maybank. The same JJ I’ve learned to appreciate time by time. The same guy who would anything for the people he loves. You’re one of the best person I’ve met JJ, and yes, you’re a reckless piece of shit sometimes. But that’s what makes you the person that you are. And I don’t want you to be any different. You’re special just the way you are and if you think that you don’t deserve me, well you should hear this: I am the one who doesn’t deserve you.”
And it was only with these words that JJ realized what he had really felt for so long. JJ Maybank was in love with her.
More than he had ever been in his life, more than he could have imagined. And he had heard so many stories about love, as if it were the most beautiful feeling in the world. And for that very reason he could not explain why that moment felt anything but happiness.
“Do you really mean that?” he couldn’t help but find himself asking that fatal question.
“Yes, JJ. That’s what I think about you and no one can change that. ‘Cause...” –she paused, staring at him with her most piercing gaze – “‘cause I love you JJ, more than anything”
And it was at that moment, that something clicked in JJ's mind.
He had to be happy; the girl he had feelings for returned his feelings, she told him that she loved him.
He was suddenly pervaded by a strong sense of discomfort, he felt his breath become more panting and his heart beat faster. His palms were starting to sweat, and he felt his fingers tremble slightly.
It didn’t take much before JJ realized he was afraid. He couldn't explain it, but he was terrified of being in love. For the first time in his life that he was really feeling what it was like to love someone, he felt that something was blocking him completely. Millions of thoughts went through his mind, but not a word came out of his mouth. He remained silent, staring into the eyes of the woman he was in love with,the same woman he was starting to fear for the first time.
He was not ready to say that fateful phrase, and he did not know when he would be ready. The mere thought of love itself was already consuming him.
He said nothing, even though he wanted to say something. But as he was used to hiding everything from everyone, he remained silent. He simply laid his lips on hers for the last time, and moved away from her.
He looked outside and that’s when he noticed that the sun was gone, and the sky was beginning to get dark.
"We should go..." he said, breaking the silence.
She looked at him almost perplexed, not understanding his strange behavior. But she merely nodded, and drove the van off as fast as she could.
The journey was even more silent. No music, no usual laughter. JJ could hear the sound of the sea getting rougher, which added even more melancholy to the whole situation. JJ laid his gaze in front of him, trying to keep it fixed. But he failed, unable to resist the urge to look at the girl next to him, silent as she had never been before. There was no light to illuminate her face; her gaze was serious, her eyes pointed to the road and her small hands held the steering wheel tight.
And it was at that moment that JJ noticed the tears slowly rolling down her cheeks. It was the first time in his life that he saw Y/N cry.
And I know that you're scared
Because hearts get broken
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