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[jm-220591]

I have to pretend to be busy.

Almost a month since I started a new job. Everything begins again from the smallest things. But this period, perhaps, has been a bit difficult for me. I know that beginnings are rarely smooth, but this lingering discomfort keeps following me, and I can’t seem to shake it off. I have to pretend to be busy, even though I’m not actually being productive. I keep telling myself to trust in myself, but I feel powerless because there are still no results. Maybe it just hasn’t been enough time yet, and I haven’t seen the proof of my efforts. But the things that happened in the past seem to be repeating themselves again. It’s all so confusing.

What if, after these two months, I don’t achieve enough? What will I do then? Did I make a mistake from the beginning by chasing things that were beyond my abilities? Or should I take one more step forward, hoping that the light will shine at the end of the road? It’s a hard choice.

I can only allow myself one more month. If there are still no results, maybe the universe is sending me a sign to stop. I’ll give myself this month to get ready, to prepare to step into another field, or, at the very least, take a part-time job to cover immediate needs. After that, I’ll switch directions or learn something new that will benefit me later on.

I’m still hopeful for the future. But if I have to stop, I’ll feel a deep sense of regret—regret for the wasted time that has passed. I know that it’s my fault for not trying hard enough in the past, and I can’t blame anyone for that now. So, I’ll temporarily accept things as they are. Accept my past self, accept that I need to try harder in the present, and accept that the future is often unpredictable.

Come on, let’s keep busy a little longer, to welcome the good things ahead.

#myself

[jm-220591]

Childhood memories

As I sit working, my mind suddenly drifts back to memories from my younger days. Out of nowhere, my brain takes me back to a time when I was around 15 or 16 years old. My family’s situation was just average—not wealthy, but not in poverty either. However, somehow, almost every year I would receive scholarships for being in a financially struggling household. Back then, compared to now, life was indeed tougher. But compared to others, my family wasn't really that bad off. What bothers me the most isn't the financial support, but rather how I felt about myself during those years when I received those scholarships. I was an average student; everything from back then until now has been so half-hearted, like I was just going through the motions. The version of myself during those years was not outstanding, just extremely ordinary. So every time I was called up on stage to receive money or a scholarship, I felt this overwhelming sense of embarrassment, the desire to bury myself deep into the ground, a feeling of shame. All those feelings at the time were real. I didn’t know whether I should feel proud, because not everyone got what I did, or if I should acknowledge that I didn’t truly deserve that money, knowing others were more talented or even in tougher situations than me. If, just if, I could go back to those days, my present self would allow myself to walk up to that stage with pride, but only on the condition that I had truly given my best effort, that I could stand tall and proudly prove to everyone that I completely deserved it. But that’s impossible. There’s no chance I’ll get to relive those days. I’ve missed too many opportunities, wasted too much time. I want to tell myself that it’s not too late yet. I have to really start now. Today, I’ll try a little harder, persevere a little more. I’ll bind myself to discipline so I can create more opportunities. I’ll make it, right? The memories of those past years—I might not want to recall them. But still, everything I’ve gone through has left an imprint of me on this world. I truly hope that in the years to come, when I look back on these present years, they will be beautiful memories. There will be regret and remorse, but also joy, happiness, and sweet moments. I will truly cherish everything that comes my way and look forward to my future with great anticipation. Thank you again to my past self. I love myself and everyone else so much.

[jm-220591]

I wish today would be a completely different day for me.

Today, perhaps, will be just like any other ordinary day that passes quietly, like the time before in my life. No motivation, no progress, everything seems to be stuck in place. That’s my observation. A sluggish person, often fearful. Not confident to express myself, doing things half-heartedly, just to get them done.

The midday drowsiness leaves me exhausted. The feeling of not having enough sleep keeps my spirit in a state of perpetual boredom. Working without effectiveness, without productivity. My eyes can barely stay open, my body screaming for proper rest. Yet, after countless promises to myself, I still end up regretting every morning because I never went to bed early the night before.

This cycle seems endless, with no destination, no goals; not even a plan or a clear intention in mind. Another day passes, no different from the ones before.

There are days when I look back and regret the things I haven't done—learning English, watching TED Talks, or even the simple task of waking up early to exercise. All of these just fleeting thoughts that come and go, just like how I easily let myself off the hook. Everything remains unfinished, hanging in the air. I allow myself too much comfort, but never push myself to rise. One excuse after another is made up to justify my contentment with the current laziness. For example, learning English—I managed to go through two evening lessons, and now, it’s about to become another pile of crumpled paper left in the drawer.

Yes, I am that weak. I’m also sick of this sluggish version of myself. But what can I do? It’s so much easier to be carefree and comfortable.

That's the state of my life today: poor, sleepy, unmotivated, with everything just idly drifting by. My mother often gets her fortune told and she says I’m destined to have an easy life and be rich in the future. Sometimes I do wish to be rich, just so I can use money as an excuse to study this or that (an excuse I always use to justify my laziness). But, you see, I can’t even wake up early to keep myself healthy so I’ll have the energy to enjoy wealth later on. How could I ever have money to spend?

I put my hopes in many things, but not in myself. I know the right things to do to improve my life, but this sluggish body just won’t listen. I let everything pass by and then keep on regretting it. Someone, please give me a piece of motivation. Thank you so much.

Alright, that’s enough for today. I’m feeling lazy again.

And just a small note, this is a translation by ChatGPT. I'm not skilled enough to write such a long passage in English on my own. If there are any mistakes in the translation, I hope you can overlook them and help me make the necessary corrections. Thank you.