If Joaquin Phoenix Characters Went on Dates
Hi everyone! Hope you’re all doing well - staying healthy, safe and sane. As always, this is just a fun listicle, not designed to offend anyone. Please feel free to leave comments and/or constructive criticism below. Thank you, and without any further ado, please enjoy some fun headcanons of what your favorite characters would be like on a date
The characters in this list are
• Arthur Fleck (”Joker”), Merrill Hess (”Signs”), Theodore Twombly (”Her”), Doc Sportello (”Inherent Vice”), Max California (”8 mm”), Ray Elwood (”Buffalo Soldiers”), Johnny Cash (”Walk the Line”), Doug Holt (”Inventing the Abbotts”), Abbé de Coulmier (”Quills”), and Emperor Commodus (”Gladiator)
Arthur Fleck (Joker, 2019)
Favorite Date Idea: Coffee and donuts at a 24-Hour Diner
Arthur might want something simple, for his date
A 24-hour diner is great for accommodating his long hours at work, plus his nighttime stand-up gigs
He enjoys the chance to share an insightful conversation with his date
The coffee might help ensure the talking doesn’t stop for a few hours into the late night
And as always, Arthur would consider the night successful if he manages to make his date laugh…several times
For the record, Arthur seems like a glazed-donut or powdered sugar donut person
The reason I’m not doing Joker is because, honestly, I don’t believe he’s the type of people to go on dates with a person. he’s more the type to…well, f*ck
Merril Hess (Signs, 2002)
Favorite Date Idea: A visit to the amusement park
It’s a perfect place for him to bring his nephew and niece too, if he ever gets serious about his date
If he likes his date, he’d be more than happy to win them a prize
Bonus points if it’s a cute stuffed animal his date decides to name ‘Merrill’
He knows that cotton candy is literally sugar, but will be glad to share some with his date
No one’s trying to be healthy here
And his favorite part is riding the Ferris Wheel, holding his date’s hand while they’re both at the top
Theodore Twombly (Her, 2013)
Favorite Date Idea: Taking calligraphy or ukulele classes together
Theodore’s not one for crowded places or typical formals like dinners
He’d prefer to give his date a meaningful experience rather than something tangible
Not that he wouldn’t surprise his date with flowers, he might do that
Not to mention, Theodore wouldn’t be the type to reveal much about himself on the first date. Being in a class with his date would give them something mutual to talk about.
Probably, as a one-year anniversary, he’d surprise his date with a perfected version of the dish they’d done together in their first cooking class.
Doc Sportello (Inherent Vice, 2014)
Favorite Date Idea: Walking on the Beach
Loves nature, and is somewhat easy-going
Wouldn’t want a high-maintenance kind of date with fancy sh*t
He might smoke a joint while walking on the beach with his date.
And if his date’s hungry, he’d willingly share some pizza or chips with guacamole
Doc would definitely appreciate a partner who loved food
If it gets dark, he’d invite his date to lay back and watch the stars, maybe even make up stuff about the constellations and stars.
Max California (8 mm, 1999)
Favorite Date Idea: Visiting a strip club
Of course he’d “pre-game” with his date by meeting up at a bar
I think his drink of choice might be a screwdriver (orange juice and vodka)
But working in an adult book store, he’s probably cool with scantily-clad performers
And he’s probably there just because he knows a bunch of people
Probably, as he gets more comfortable/serious about his date, Max would start inviting them to hang out in the store after-hours.
He might bring some beers over for the two of them and, if they’re cool with it, show them the cringiest stuff he’s kept in stock (just to make them laugh)
Ray Elwood (Buffalo Soldiers, 2001)
Favorite Date Idea: Racing in his Mercedes on the Audubon
A bit of an adrenaline junkie
Likes to get his date’s heart racing - even better if she holds him out of fear
He takes full advantage of the lack of a speed limit on the Audubon
And is always open to dancing with his date at the club
If the two of you do go to a (usually shady) bar, he’ll stick with beer to make sure he still has his wits, should he run into anyone familiar
Be prepared for a quick getaway in case someone approaches Ray with mobsters and guns
He might owe them money or stolen goods
Johnny Cash (Walk the Line, 2005)
Favorite Date Idea: Home-cooked dinner and vinyl records
Being on the road with tours and concerts all the time, he’d prefer to do something homely for a date
Of course, he’d bring a box of chocolates or flowers in the name of trying to be a good guest
And would definitely compliment whatever his date wanted to serve him that night
He’d try to be as gentlemanly as possible - no personal questions, just general ones
A deal-breaker would be someone who just liked him for his celebrity status
Or someone who asked him how much money he makes regularly
If the date was going well, he’d be happy to dance with them to a slow song.
Another great idea for a date? Fishing.
Doug Holt (Inventing the Abbotts, 1997)
Favorite Date Idea: Picnic for Two
He’d be very chivalrous with his date - offering to pick them up from their place and opening the car door for them
And he’d give his date the most incredibly adorable grin when they complement him
A picnic would be simple enough for the two of them, mainly comprising of delicatessen sandwiches and snacks
Doug isn’t one to talk much, but can be a very good listener
Although, he would love his date to make him feel included in the conversation
He’d enjoy the intimacy of eating together under the trees
Potential deal-breaker? Someone who’s rude, or doesn’t have good manners
Abbe de Coulmier (Quills, 2000)
Favorite Date Idea: Doing volunteer work
He’s an altruistic person, so he’d like his date to share that sense of generosity
Perhaps the two of you would spend the date serving the hungry, or playing with abandoned animals
During the date, he might ask you various questions to get to know you better
Questions about your hometown, your family, and perhaps your likes & dislikes
Don’t be surprised if he wishes to take you to see the children at the orphanage
It might mean that he wants to know what you’ll be like as a parent!
Commodus (Gladiator, 2000)
Favorite Date Idea: Wine-tasting (at least for the first one)
Most of his dates would probably be in the palace
And if the date is ever going poorly or the person is making him uncomfortable, he can always call the guards to take them away
Lucilla has set him up at least once, but it didn’t go so well
Being an emperor, Commodus would certainly want something nice enough to impress his date
However, a part of me believes he would want to “test the waters” before doing something too nice.
He would definitely be concerned about his date possibly liking him only for his money or power
But once he’s sure his date likes him for who he is, Commodus would do anything to make his date feel special
Throughout the date, he’d hold their hand or place his arm around their waist
In general, he would enjoy being physically close to his date
Out of all of the characters, he’s the one most likely to agree to a couple’s massage
And attending gladiatorial games with his date are a must
A total deal-breaker is a date who spends too much time loudly complaining about the violence (or one that nags him about the Senate)
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