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My Visit with an Adorable Pyromaniac
My two-year-old grandson visited over the weekend. For the purposes of this story, I’ll refer to him as “Bartholomew.”  That is not his real name. If I used his real name, my daughter would mount my head on a stick. Then she’d plant it next to the street as a gentle reminder to others of her rule against using his real name on social media. During his visit, in an impressive lack of…
Apparently, I Look Like John D. Rockefeller
This morning I pulled my pickup into a parking space at a freeway rest stop, and a guy tapped on my window. This is not the best way to begin the day. Best case scenario, he needs directions. Worst case – I get kidnapped, and my wife counteroffers the ransom demand with, “I’m afraid you’ve got this backward. How much will you pay me to take him back?” I rolled down the window, and he shows…
Is Curling Just Golf for the Clinically Insane?
Like everyone during the winter Olympics, I turn on the TV each night hoping that they will be featuring my favorite, and most exiting competition – Curling! Just kidding! Like EVERYONE, I sigh with dread each time they show it. Why don’t they show more of the half pipe? That’s what we’re thinking. Snowboarders flying through the air, doing super quad twists and flips and turns. What is…
The Great Toilet Paper Heist
When the world shut down and everyone else started baking sourdough, my wife and I bought a collapsing cottage. You know. Standard pandemic behavior. While our friends were panic-buying hand sanitizer, we were signing papers on a place that looked like it had lost a fistfight with 1973. The deck was so thoroughly rotten, I fell through it the first time I walked onto it – not “it cracked under…
Yes, I Am Now Officially an MPG Denier!
By Jack Edwards     I’m selling my Honda Accord because I just bought a Ford F-150 pickup. You might wonder why someone would buy a pickup when he has a Honda Accord in excellent condition, and it gets over 38 miles per gallon. Two reasons. First, an overwhelming urge to spend twice as much on gas. Second, I needed an inexpensive way to get my old Christmas tree to the dump.         I’m…
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My First Sailing Lesson: Nobody Warned Me It Would Involve Physics!
The list of items to take to my first sailing lesson concerned me. It included, “a change of clothes,” followed by the comment, “You will get wet!” Most of the items seemed fine – “sunglasses,” “US Coast Guard approved lifejacket.” But I was alarmed to see the final item on the list – “rosary beads.” Okay, the list DIDN’T include rosary beads, although I gave it serious consideration – and…
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Just Because A Store Is Open 24 Hours Does NOT Mean You Should Shop At 4 AM
The fact that the parking lot was a barren landscape was the first sign that I should have abandoned my plan to shop and immediately made my escape. Nevertheless, like the stupid teenager in the horror film who goes down into the basement to investigate where all the blood and screaming is coming from, I continued. Before you label me a weirdo for being up that early, let me defend myself. I…
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When I First Heard the Term "The Silent Killer" I Thought They Were Talking About a Fart
I recently made the enormous mistake of taking my blood pressure on one of those home testing machines. When I saw the reading, it almost gave me a heart attack! Let me put it this way, if my blood pressure was the stock market, we’d all be lighting cigars with hundred-dollar bills and sipping Dom Perignon. My blood pressure was one nanoparticle from the zone labeled, “Seek medical attention…
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Expecting a Baby Boy? Why Not Name Him Judas?
Fun Fact: Jesus didn’t just have one disciple named Judas, he had two. Seriously! There was that infamous Judas Iscariot, the scoundrel that betrayed him, and a lesser-known Judas. I spent an afternoon at the University of Oregon library researching the second Judas, because I wanted to know more about him and his full name. It turns out his full name was, “The Other Judas.” Can…
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Nothing Says "No Smoking" Like a Conveniently Located Ashtray
Earlier this year, I had the pleasure of enjoying a short 14-hour flight from Tel Aviv to San Francisco. And, I don’t want to brag, but I was flying coach. I would have measured my leg room, but I forgot my micrometer. Fourteen hours is plenty of time to sit and ponder. It’s also time to take full advantage of all the complimentary amenities offered in coach – free water, a free reading…
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I Would Love to Watch My New "Smart TV," But I'm Not Smart Enough
I had the same TV for 20 years, but recently, family members started complaining. They said the sound didn’t work. I told them the sound DID work, you just had to do the following: 1. Turn the TV on. 2. Turn the TV off. 3. Wait eight seconds, until you hear a “click” sound. 4. Turn the TV on a second time. Voila!  Picture AND sound! They also complained that it wasn’t a “smart TV,” i.e.,…
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Junie is a Loveable Fur Ball (Who Only Occasionally Bites Men)
The first time I met my daughter Zoe’s new dog, Junie, it walked over to me in a friendly manner, seemed to smile at me, and bit me. Thankfully, I possess an amazing ability to react calmly to a crisis. So, I screamed like a girl. Zoe raced over and asked me if it drew blood. I told her it didn’t, and then she announced: “Then it doesn’t count.” What the #@%?! Fun facts about Junie…
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Don't Let a Silent "H" Sneak Up and Bite You in the Tuchus
Don’t Let a Silent “H” Sneak Up and Bite You in the Tuchus
This story is absolutely true. If you don’t believe me, I can produce a hundred witnesses to confirm its accuracy. Okay, I can produce ONE. But it’s my wife, and unlike me, she’s not an irredeemable liar. DANGER: This story is a full-blown PG-13, so anyone with even a mild sensitivity to crude humor should cease and desist reading this PRONTO! Here it goes – My wife was on a guided bus…
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I've Abandoned All Reason and Self-Preservation Instincts: I'm Now Driving the Speed Limit!
I’ve Abandoned All Reason and Self-Preservation Instincts: I’m Now Driving the Speed Limit!
Bungy jumping, big wave surfing, skydiving – all these have one thing in common, they’re kids’ play! I’m now driving the speed limit! Cop cars are shooting past me right and left. On their way to an emergency? No, on their way to lunch. Remember when the highway speed limit was 55 mph during the 1970’s gas crunch? The government promoted it with that catchy phrase – “55 and stay alive?” …
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How You Can Win at Powerball
How You Can Win at Powerball
Most of us have dreamed of winning PowerBall. We’ve dreamed of luxury automobiles. We’ve dreamed of palatial estates. We’ve dreamed of first-class travel to exotic locations. And, of course, we’ve dreamed of changing our names to hide from our shyster relatives. By the way, I just discovered Microsoft Word drank the “woke” Kool-Aid. I found this out a moment ago when I typed the word…
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My Wife Announced She Had Arranged A Vacation For Us To Chicago To Get Murdered
My Wife Announced She Had Arranged A Vacation For Us To Chicago To Get Murdered
Okay, my wife didn’t tell me we were going to Chicago to get murdered. What she actually said was, “I planned a trip for us to Chicago.” My brain added the “to get murdered” part. There are “vacation people” and “non-vacation people.” I am a non-vacation person. So, I was immediately irritated that I had to arrange time in my busy schedule to go to Chicago and get murdered. Before I know…
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Scientists Announce Amazing New Diet Called: "Stop eating like a pig!"
Scientists Announce Amazing New Diet Called: “Stop eating like a pig!”
After a new “double-blind” study, scientists have announced that their “control group” of individuals who did not “eat like a pig,” lost significantly greater weight than the, “ate like a pig” group (who actually gained 7% over the three-month study). This announcement has already sparked intense controversy in the food industry. Scientists from Nabisco, Kellogg’s, Dunkin’ Donuts and Cinnabon…
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