Joe

he/they/it this is kinda like my diairy

[autisticandroids]

every post i see that's like "if you're scared of being like [bad person] that's means you're better than them and won't be like them" and it's like. lmao. my dad used to have crying sessions where he would confess his fear of being like his mother and causing me to grow up to hate him. usually after he did something fucking awful, to redirect the attention to his own pain. the girl who sexually assaulted me had panic attacks sometimes about the idea of maybe being a rapist, making it impossible to set sexual boundaries with her without her freaking out. whether you're afraid of being some kind of bad person has basically no bearing on whether you are that way

[autisticandroids]

LITERALLY ANXIETY ISN'T AN INHERENTLY MORAL SOURCE OF SELF-CRITICISM. BEING AFRAID THAT YOU ARE BAD DOES NOT MAKE YOU GOOD IT JUST MAKES YOU ANXIOUS!!!

[autisticandroids]

#as a person with anxiety I find anxiety is often counterproductive to self-reflection#because you’re too busy spiraling over Bad Thing You Did to actually do anything about it#you need to break that tunnel vision in order to actually make the change#i don’t like to sit with my anxieties for that reason#sitting there feeling guilty over what I did doesn’t do any good#it just made me and anyone I hurt feel worse#striving for actual change and making amends is the best way forward#but you have to break the doom spiral in order to be clearheaded enough to do that#sa tw

literally you get it.

[joe-the]

my brain is annoying when it comes to processing visual information

like???? Even slightly bright colors burn my eyes, I cannot track things visually, reading black letters on white paper for longer than 5 minutes makes me nauseous and dizzy, I can hardly see on a sunny day, and my brain cannot handle complex patterns especially with sharp contrast like what??? goofy ahh experience. I would have anxiety attacks as a kid because I couldn't find anything, ever. Now I remember where all of my belongings are at all times because I just HATE looking for things.

I hated having a teacher sit next to me in elementary school who had to tell me what to write down because it took forever to copy things from the board. (although it was nice of my speech therapist to do that for me)

I watched across the spiderverse and my eyes were watering the entire time and I left with a huge headache,, great movie though (it just needs an epilepsy friendly, eyestrain-free version)

I hate playing super smash bros

OH AND I CANT FUCKING READ SHEET MUSIC NO MATTER WHAT NO MATTER WHAT I DO I JUST CANT, I PUT MY ENTIRE PUSSY INTO IT PLEASE

it's like,,,, not being able to identify things in my peripheral if I'm looking at something even slightly visually complex

Jigsaw puzzles are UYGHH >:( (as well as word searches)

[joe-the]

Last night I had a dream that a human version of Transformers Prime Starscream was being hunted down by Dr Doofensmirtz but the dream became really chaotic with several different parties trying to kill each other but at the end of the dream Dr Doofensmirtz and TFP Starscream “had sex” but they actually didn’t have sex they actually merged together and all the other parties that were previously fighting had to team up to kill them

[joe-the]

Vent and/or rant

I just realized something that makes me feel conflicted. I am posting my thoughts here because I know most likely nobody will see it, but I just realized why I’m so perplexed when someone feels bad for me or assumes I’m really upset. It’s usually because they only react that way when I either 1: get physically hurt, or 2: when someone interprets my tone or body language as upset.

The thing is: usually I only express myself like that when I’m either not upset at all or only mildly to moderately upset. And when I’m actually really upset, or seething, or about to explode, I go blank. When I’m in public and I whisper “I want to skedaddle” or point to the door, my family assumes I can wait. They assume that I’m fine. But when I do have a meltdown, screaming and crying and hitting, they suddenly care! They suddenly care that I’m suffering. If I’m anxious: it’s fine. If I’m overwhelmed: can you wait just 15 more minutes? When I actually need help, and I’ve told them what I would do when I need help. They don’t care. They can’t comprehend how I feel in those moments. I would be putting all of my energy into just staying still and not running away or punching anyone who gets too close. And they only give a shit when I sprain my ankle or scrape my knee or burn my elbow or something stupid.

Like I know I’m overreacting but I don’t know. It’s so frustrating

[joe-the]

What the fuck rock is this

[joe-the]

What kind of rock is this and would it look pretty cut and polished

[joe-the]

IM EXIL IM SO EEEVIL IM EVIL GERRRR BARKN BA4RK BGRRR ARF ARF ARF

[joe-the]

I love being a boy and nonbinary and genderqueer and genderflux and demiboy and and and silly :]

[joe-the]

I’m thinking of getting my first pet reptile. I don’t think snakes are on the table, for I am a teenager and live with my parents. Also: no feeders that aren’t bugs, my parents would not allow that. I want to get used to taking care of reptiles so I can someday have an ackie monitor or a blue-tongued skink (and someday a snake because obvi). I have $500 total and I am working with limited space. I’d like a larger, more handleable lizard. I can wait to save up money and do research and such.

[joe-the]

I feel so frustrated. What’s wrong with only being me? With having skin?

 My feet are anchored to the ground.

 Are theirs not?

 I feel like this barrier is creating more dissonance than it should.

 I’m angry.

 They’re not better than me.

[joe-the]

Y’all I’m being forced to go to mormon girl’s camp. I curse every second of every day and I’m transgender and I’m atheist af and I’m brutally honest in every day conversation. Help.