i think i just like learning and creating. it's always been a fundamental curiosity at the core of me. i was raised LDS and the biggest thing that stuck with me before i left was the idea that everything you learned was something you could take with you and use later, and i had a seminary teacher who said we'd never truly stop learning. i don't believe in that anymore, but i do believe in learning and in sharing and in creating.
i took up crochet again recently; the last time i tried was when i was eleven, as a girl scout. and I've been cooking and remembering how good eggs taste and how wonderful being alive is and how much i missed thinking about math in all my years of chemistry.
the idea of finding internal validation rather than external was something i had to learn really early on in my writing career and, recently, in dealing with my own health conditions. i like writing... because it makes me happy, not for the sake of others; i like working with others because i like the process, and I've been learning recently that there is no virtue in pushing through when everyone except me thinks i should take a break to get my blood pressure back up or stop whimpering in pain.
there is no virtue in suffering. who is going to look back on my life and go, "her suffering was so noble. and she died suffering, too. what an icon," really? for heaven's sake, i don't want to be remembered that way. it's important that it all hurts, but it shouldn't be the header to my life's article. im more than that.
and im more than the things i haven't done and the things i quit working on partway through and the skills i abandoned or never put to use. remember me learning and passionate and happy. please don't remember me as a ball of missed potential.
