Crash(test) The Ballad of Faded Wolf
Barry Mick is a struggling tour manager for a young US rock band in his 30's working in the rock world and mainstream pop; but also works several part time real jobs. The band he is currently managing is a young band “Faded Wolf”; full of notorious stories and behaviors including sex,drugs, and rock and roll. Will they crash and burn? Or live and learn? Probably neither.
Crash(test) The Ballad of Faded Wolf
Story written by Joe Bruno
There’s something peaceful about waking up in a moving vehicle. The scenery moving like an old movie reel as we make our way to the next destination is the best part, I guess. From what my folks told me when I was young, you actually had to dedicate a person, with a license, to controlling the vehicle; which sounds like a terrible idea looking around my immediate company.
“Tommy Rocks”, as he’s known, is in the next bunk over; putting his genitals on one of our roadies face while he’s asleep. Classic. The band I’m currently out on the road with, (for way less money than I should’ve negotiated; had I known the shit storm I had agreed to) Faded Wolf, are one of the new growing bands in the heavy metal scene. And they are all about attention.
These guys just cost the label $600,000 in damages; leading cops on a two hour chase after stealing a old school collection car from a classic car show, then proceeding to manually drive it onto the highway.
Fucking psychos I tell you. Especially in 2044.
A human messing with with our great, automated highways? It’s crazy they’d let anyone touch a real steering wheel. Thankfully the van doesn’t have one or I’d never sleep with this band around. Not that I do much.. From what I heard growing up, people died like all the time crashing these things it was something crazy like the plague, it was in the millions of people dead all of the time, senselessly. And you’ve got to be an idiot to get out on the roads with the old cars and attempt to drive with the cars we have today. Nobody stops and goes and burns gas anymore. The road system today is cars going everywhere all automatically timed to drive without hardly stopping. Except out here, there’s some drivers still not enough automatic services out this way yet.
Suddenly, there’s a loud pop and the van comes to a stop on the side of the road. We are somewhere on I-70 near Anywhere, Kansas. The van operator broadcasts on to the intercom, “Hey fellas, we are really sorry to inform you but your ‘Bandvan’ rental has had an internal problem with it’s charge system and needs repairs. With your insurance purchase, we will be covering stay at a hotel for you guys until we can get the next van in your area. The nearest one is a day away. Really sorry about the inconvenience. We can give you two free days on your next trip. Again, so sorry. Local tow resources are on their way and should arrive in 25 minutes.”
Damn. We had one more date for tomorrow in Colorado, then I was to catch the Interstate speed train to California; where my next job starts. A pop artist, “Yuki”, is playing the VENUE on Mars’ grand opening. This is like the big stadium time too; bigger than the theaters and bars that host Faded Wolf.
I was asked to smuggle some personal belongings they had left when they took off last week. Oh, and it’s going to take two months to get there. The band managers “great joy of the music world”, is basically being the babysitter to the most irresponsible group of people in the world.
I have to figure out what we are going to do. The tow truck is pulling up now I guess I’ll go settle up with the service and oh hey it’s the gang is already around the front. Shit. Tommy, Jim, John, and Freddy are chugging beers and flashing their private parts to oncoming traffic. I used to hear stories about bands like Motley Crüe and Guns N Roses, in my grandparents younger days, who did this kind of stuff.
I think that’s what they want.
It sounded fun at first; but after two months of living it, breathing it, and smelling it with this group, it has lost it’s appeal. I can’t wait to go Mars and get away for a bit.
But what are you gonna do?
And unfortunately, they’ll do anything for the attention.
We arrive at a local hotel. It was one of these small mom and pop ones with a kind of old “Bates Motel” vibe; except this was Conways motel. It’s almost like a slasher film; but instead of killing you in the shower, you would step back in time to what the elders would call, “the eighties baby!” The room was filled with neon colors on the walls and 80’s movie and music posters on every wall.
A short older man, maybe in his 60’s, in black pants and a faded blue vintage nascar shirt approaches us. He introduces himself as Earl Conway and asks if we are the rock band staying the night. Tommy and the gang, the kind of wild living guys they are, of course are already shotgunning beers behind me with the roadies and some local fans who are also staying at the hotel.
They have also recognized the band.
I shrug and go into “manager mode”.
We get away to settle up the insurance at the front desk.
“Well, I know it’s y’all’s misfortune, but it is just our treat to have y’all stay with us at ‘Conway’s’ tonight. We never have too many city folk stay here; especially real rockstars. Let us know if you need anything; food, beer, some coke, ‘Ya know’,” Earl brags with a grin.
Well, at least I know these guys are mostly safe to party.
“Thanks Mr. Conley. I really hope we don’t need too much. Our next van will be in town around 12 tomorrow. And then, we are back on the road to the rockies. Though, I can’t speak for the band. It looks like they are already making friends.”
The crowd partying with the band has tripled since exchanging info at the front desk. It appears Tommy and Freddy are now signing several women’s breast and taking some suggestive photos. They probably assumed I quit paying attention, went to my room take my sleep aid, and pass out.
What the hell could go wrong? This is what they do.
That’s not managing though.
I’m thinking I got to go break this up.
“Mr. Conley, I’ll make sure we keep the crowd and noise down,” I assured him.
“Nonsense Barry! You know what; on the weekends we have a 25 Acre track, just behind the motel, where we race good old human driving cars. I saw the band’s mishap with that car out in California on the news. Compared to that footage, I’ll gladly let them rip it up tonight!” Earl responded.
Well there goes my peaceful night.
It’s not even night, and two of the old classic cars that drove by earlier have rolled up to the growing party in the parking lot. Freddy, Tommy, and the gang, are now doing what are called “donuts” in the parking lot. I’ve seen videos online where the human controlled vehicles speed and then brake during a turn, to slide across parking lots at shopping centers and apartment buildings. I suppose it’s better they can do that here; instead of the theft and driving on automated highways charges.
I head to the room to try to get some peace and quiet. Maybe I can try to go over my lists for the Mars trip; which I’m surprised about it being a whole 4 month thing and I’m not that nervous yet. I guess it’s hard to think to that far in the future when you live in “Faded Wolf’s” now.
As I’m approaching the room, I can hear sounds of giggling. Nope thats moaning.
Someone is having sex in my room.
I can’t really count at this point how many times this has happened. But I’m not surprised really. It’s Faded Wolf. What did I expect. At least I have my bag. I can work on some things in this old chair at the end of the hall.
Luckily, I brought my headphones to tune this out.
I really miss the older devices my grandparents showed me when I was younger, the headphones may have had to be plugged in; but you weren’t left hanging.
Well, i passed out in the hallway on the floor for couple hours and awake to Earl right in my face and shaking me “buddy I got other customers rolling in soon can’t have you here like this.” I agree. I startle but get up in a haze.. I haven’t really felt this low since i turned 30. The world keeps turning though, I get up and grab my bag and computer I used as a pillow. The room was cleared out and I can finally catch a shower.
There’s clearly cocaine residue on the dresser and all of the room beers are gone. As much as I’m disappointed they didn’t leave any to share, I’m guessing Earl may have to order more for tonight.
I finish my shower, get dressed, and head out to the tracks. It’s a sunny summer day, with green trees and a field view; not that Kansas is known for its landscapes. It was a nice break from the crowded cities we usually stay in.
The guys are all hammered and driving these cars, I’d say, 90 miles an hour back and forth through a loop called a “race track.”
I’ve seen these before on the web. This used to be a popular sport, and still has a strong presence in the south to this day.
More of the local community has shown up looking for a chance to party with this band of fools.
I finally take a seat in the stands, with my own beer, and a little cigarette of ‘grass’, as they used to call it. One of the cars with Tommy driving, and yelling something obnoxious out the window, suddenly turns too quick. It goes up sideways, and flips several times in a barrel roll before stopping on it’s hood.
I drop everything and run over to help.
Tommy quickly climbs his way out, soaked in blood and yelling out in pain; which seems to be coming from the arm he’s holding. I look over inside. One of the fan girls from earlier is inside; luckily with a seatbelt on, which is holding her up. Kind of dangling, but still not awake. She looks a little cut up and I can’t tell if she’s breathing.
This right here is why they did away with letting humans drive. This is what my parents used to ramble on about when I
was young and driving had just been banned. I can’t believe they did this for over 100 years. This is a horror movie in real life. The shock and anxiety. You know, cannabis can make you very anxious without any bad shit happening; but this anxiety was something completely new.
One of my clients may have just killed someone.
As the local ambulance and fire response vehicles roll up, so do several police cars.
The mars trip, is super fucked.
There is no way we are getting out of this mess by the time our next van rolls in tomorrow.
The rest of the band and I stayed back and talked to the cops about what we saw. I look over to the medical team, and see the fangirl miraculously retain consciousness; with no visible broken bones. Just a few scrapes and bruises on her faces. When her eyes finally opened and she got up and walked off with her friends quickly to the ambulance and seemed to try to keep looking over seeing Tommy at the ambulance, my anxiousness subdued a bit.
But now, we had a new set of problems. The law.
Tommy was immediately arrested and was being charged with an older charge called a “DUI”, reckless driving, and driving without a license. Apparently, this whole track operation is mostly for skilled drivers who still get a thing called a “drivers license.”
After they take him away, local news crews start rolling in to film the documentary of the end of our careers.
I had to call the label to let them know what had happened.
Well look at that. Faded Wolf news travels fast. Tim, the A&R rep, is calling me.
“Hey Tim, buddy! How are you?” I ask, trying to cool tension. “What the fuck did you let happen Barry? You’re the manager! Do you know how much this is going to cost us?” He yelled.
“Look man; you know these guys! Okay? They don’t listen to anybody! I just clean up the mess, like always! But I’m gonna go down there and get Tommy out, okay? These people are super fans; so we might get lucky,” I explained.
“Try what you will Barry; but if you can’t fix this, you’re done.” He hung up.
Earl comes up, still shaken from the event. I immediately start apologizing.
“Hey man. I’m so sorry these guys are idiots, And that poor girl”
He interrupts, “It’s ok Barry, it’s my fault. I encouraged it, and we’ve had accidents from time to time. I could’ve done more to set some ground rules. You guys being here has just been the most fun we’ve had in a while. Look. I got a lawyer buddy who helps me with my books. I’m gonna call him for us. Would you like a ride to check on Tommy?” He asks.
“Of course man! That would be amazing. I actually don’t know how to drive; really none of us from out west do.”
The rest of the crew stayed back.
The buzzkill shook everyone into retreating back to the rooms.
The local radio report is already talking about the accident. I had to change the channel and the next station is, of course, a rock station ironically playing the “Faded Wolf” song “Crash”. I change it again, and finally tune into some obscure classical channel.
We get to the police station and go check in.
You know in jail movies, this part always sucks. Going to meet your friend or family member; locked up in the jump suit.
It is an all around shitty experience.
It also has be somewhere around 1 AM; about 12 hours away from our van departure schedule. At this point, I feel we are not gonna make it. And I’m not gonna make that Mars trip. We get to the front desk and ask for Tommy.
The desk lady grins and says, “We are hanging that mugshot up in the break lounge; as soon as we get it autographed. We’re holding him a bit longer. You know, y’all are so lucky that girl and her family likes him. He could’ve been here a while.”
I reply confused, “So he’s getting out?.”
“Well, yeah. Some lawyer came in representing that girl. Says she’s his daughter and he settled up with the judge. He will be free to go in just a bit”.
I look to Earl, “Dude, your lawyer is the girls dad?”
He looks shocked, “Shit I had no clue. I hope he doesn’t shut me down.”
The lawyer pops around the corner. “No real harm, no foul; I suppose. We live a little wild out here with these cars, and have accidents from time to time. Regardless, my kid, for some godforsaken reason, has been obsessed with this band for years now, since her high school days, and says it would be the most embarrassing thing to put you away for this. She just wants this to go away. And she really likes this “Tommy” guy, so we’ve made a hefty financial settlement that will take care of her, myself, and get some money flowing down at city hall again. Anyways, we will be in touch with the label for payment soon. And, please. Never. Ever. Let Tommy, or the rest of the band, drive. Or maybe never come here again. I’m serious. Goodnight, gents.” He leaves the station.
Well only in this rock and roll world can such scenario play out. Apparently everyone in this jail is a Faded Wolf fan even the judge. Tommy finally comes out of the back putting his shirt back on and a little bandaged up it seems. He signs a few copies of his mugshot for the station employees. Tommy then comes running at us jumping “ dudes I can’t believe it they love us here, apparently that girls dad is a lawyer, and begged him not to let me stay locked up and pay a fine instead” I reply “ so what’s the damage how much is this going to cost us?” Tommy smirks “ well let’s just say the label is not going to be happy about it and I’m sorry Barry if they blame this on you” I reply “ blame what?” Tommy deeply inhales and answers “eh it’s gonna cost about 20 million or so”. Well in my mind I was thinking a lot worse but that is still probably enough that it’s coming out of the next albums check and probably my check too. He continues “ it’s all good Barry we are getting that next advance and the last album just hit platinum”. This guy has no clue how completely fucked we could’ve been. But how could he? We let this happen and now by paying it off we encourage it.
We all get back to the hotel it’s probably close to 4 AM everyone’s passed out. Earl comes by as I’m packing things to be ready to go in the morning. “ well I’m glad it all worked out for you guys and I’m sorry about letting this happen” I interrupted “ look Earl these guys like to do crazy things and don’t think much, don’t blame yourself
We are all lucky it wasn’t worse.
And crazy lucky that the girl’s dad was lawyer; in our favor.
“You’ve been a great help to us! I’ll make sure to send you a postcard from the new venue on mars!”
He sort of gets excited, “Mars? No way! Is that the pop star everyone is going crazy for? ‘Yuki’ right?”
I replied, “Yup! That’s the one! I actually have to bring some things they forgot when they left the other day.”
Earl grabs a postcard from his folder he was carrying. “Well, could you show some love to the motel up there?”
I look at the picture of the motel which had several cars driving in the background, “You bet Earl, thanks for everything”.
I caught some sleep and woke up just in time for the “15 minute warning” for the vans arrival. We all loaded in and waved goodbye. Tommy was, of course, holding up the show and making out with the girl Alice. You know, the girl he nearly killed last night. I think that’s what her name was. Actually, I’m not really sure what her name was; but I guess it’s best we leave town on a good note.
And there we were; back on the road, heading to Colorado, cracking jokes trying to laugh off the bizarre events from the night before.
Tommy leans from his seat to me, “Barry, man, thank you for being there. We all appreciate it and I promise you that I’m never driving again! Well, unless I come back out here and see her again” he chuckles.
It had been on my mind all morning though, that maybe it was time for a career change. Possibly something with less responsibility for those least responsible. Maybe I’ll start my own band or label and just be in charge of myself. Who knows?
The Colorado show went off without a hitch; other than arriving right as soon as the band was scheduled to be on in 30 minutes. I’m glad we made it, but also just as glad to be out and not in charge of these maniacs for a long time. I left early to catch my train to the launch pad in California.
I can’t believe I made it.
Still sleepy and still taking in the events of the last two days, I figured it was a perfect time to take a sleep aid; seeing as I’ll be boarding a space shuttle to live in (which is basically a hotel lobby) for two months.
From what I’ve read, these launches can make you feel sick quickly; so it’s probably best to be passed out for that part. I get through security, get my bags checked, then board the ship. As I’m seated and buckled, I lay back with freshly charged headphones and some classics playing.
I wake up, and I’m not in the ship anymore, but back in the port at the launchpad in a wheelchair. A flight attendant is near me, sees that I’m awake, and jumps up.
“Sir we are so sorry to inform you like this, but our ship had trouble taking off and was grounded. A second ship left later
in the day, but you have been out for about 10 hours and we could not get you into the next one passed out like that.”
I feel ambushed by the whole situation.
I’m still waking up but I take a second to process it “So when’s the next one?”
She replies, “Unfortunately, the Mars shuttle only flies three times a month, twice a day. That was the last one, and there are currently no options for two weeks. I’m so sorry for the inconvenience”
I’m still processing, but try to negotiate with her, “So what else can I get? my clients need their package.”
She responds, “Well your boss, Tim I believe, has left a package and note for you about that.”
I open the packages and letter.
“Hey, Barry. Give me a call when you get this. You’ve got a new mission. You're now taking the daily flight tomorrow to the moon for ‘Faded Wolf’s’ surprise show next week for the moon colony at the Lunar Lounge.
PS: Mars mail carrier will take the package; don’t worry. But you gotta watch these guys again!
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