Hey there!! I'm opening up writing commissions over the next couple of months in hopes of making some extra money. I'm struggling to make ends meet and my student loans only scratch the surface given the gouging in grocery prices in Canada and the housing crisis. I am really only trying to keep myself and my cat fed and healthy.
So, if you enjoy my writing (writing blogs listed below) and want a commission, please feel free to send me a DM on here or one of my sideblogs listed.
Fandoms I'm currently writing for: Red Dead Redemption, Stranger Things, The Last of Us, Peaky Blinders, and a few others I can't think of off the top of my head but feel free to ask.
Things I'll write: x reader fics, oc×canon, canon×canon, ocxoc, smut, gen fic, kinks (excluding anything mentioned in the following paragraph) and in-character letters.
Things I won't write: Any sexual content regarding minors, r*pe, incest (including adopted family) and bathroom play.
All payments will be taken via PayPal with half of the payment taken upfront (unless $10) once I agree to the commission.
PRICES:
Drabble (500 words) - $10 USD
Personalized Letters (500 words) - $10 USD
1000 words - $23 USD
2000 words - $46 USD
3000 words - $65 USD
4000 words - $85 USD
5000 words - $95 USD
If you can't commission, a reblog for signal boosting would be just as appreciated! <3
Hey! I’m opening writing commissions again since I’m trying to make ends meet. (Medication, starting HRT, cat food, litter, and groceries for the most part.) I’ve been doing some original work commissions for a while as well, but figured I’d actually just make an etsy shop. You can find most of my information on the listing itself.
So, if you want to help a struggling trans creator out, please feel free to check it out.
Hey! I’m opening writing commissions again since I’m trying to make ends meet. (Medication, starting HRT, cat food, litter, and groceries for the most part.) I’ve been doing some original work commissions for a while as well, but figured I’d actually just make an etsy shop. You can find most of my information on the listing itself.
So, if you want to help a struggling trans creator out, please feel free to check it out.
Pairing: Joel Miller x Reader
Summary: You end up facing the outcome of Joel's actions and the confrontation about that doesn't go over well.
warnings: Very heavy on the angst, very light on the fluff. Mentions of injury, painkillers, cheating (not by either Joel or reader), alcohol, arguments, breaking up.
Series: A continuation of this, but can be read as a stand-alone but you might miss some references back.
Note: I’m not sure if I’ll add more to this as a series of one-shots or something, but it’s fine as a stand-alone as it is for the most part. This is just 99% angst, I’m sorry.
Tag list (to be added just leave me a comment!): @faceache111
A part of you couldn’t help but feel relieved about the late evening bareness of the QZ’s streets.
The last couple of hours were a blur, the haze of the pain medication you had been given allowing some time to pass by in the blur. Yet, it was only able to do so much–they weren’t going to waste any of the more effective stuff on you when they had bigger issues to deal with. At least, that’s the usual response you got when you’d protest a cut in rations, medication, or anything else that you needed. At the moment, however, you really just wanted to get back to the apartment and hope nothing else would happen that night to make things worse.
Yet, that was unlikely and you knew it. Not with the way you were hunched over somewhat, arm wrapped around your middle, and you really didn’t have to look at yourself to know that the bruises on your face were bad. Once Joel got his eyes on that, you knew how he’d react.
Joel was the reason this happened, too.
Your attackers had made that pretty clear, as much as you had never seen these people before. You had stopped wanting to be privy to whatever he was doing, not after you had witnessed just what lengths he’d go to ‘survive.’ With Tess joining the team, your absence wasn’t exactly felt in that regard. Yet, people knew that you were with Joel–had been since before the outbreak, though you didn’t know if there was much left of that relationship now. The complications of your relationship with Joel didn’t matter to those who wanted to send a message, anyway.
When you had been cornered in the QZ and received those hits to the face, you had initially thought it was the typical danger that lingered about the place. You had fought back, landing a couple hits of your own, yet once you had been knocked to the ground and felt the crack in your ribs from where they kicked you, that fight left pretty quickly. Thankfully, that seemed to be the extent of it, though the way one of them grabbed the front of your jacket and yanked you up still sat crystal clear in your mind.
“Tell Joel that if he fucks with our stuff again, it’ll be worse than a few punches and broken ribs.”
You painfully made your way up the stairs in the apartment building–all the late night jobs and sleepless nights made the journey difficult, but the state you were in made it feel like it dragged on forever. Once you reached the floor you were looking for, there was a bad ache in your ribs again as you breathed hard. Tears pricked at the edges of your eyes, but you willed them back as you continued down the hall. From pain or frustration, you didn’t know, but the last thing you wanted was to break down. The way things were currently, you weren’t sure if you’d stop if you started to cry.
Really, you just hoped that Joel wouldn’t be back until later.
Considering the empty apartment that greeted you, it seemed that the universe would grant you that at the very least.
You shut the door behind yourself before making your way toward the sink, searching around for a rag to wet. It wouldn’t help the same way ice would, but that was something you didn’t really have access to. Washing your face somewhat, you at least cleaned some of the dried blood from around your nose and mouth before you found yourself hobbling over to the bed. You collapsed onto the mattress with a pained groan, your ribs protesting but your body thankful to rest. You breathed slowly, letting some of the pain subside into the background as the medication still took some of the edge off.
It wasn’t long until you found your eyelids struggling to stay open.
*****
The world started to come back to you slowly–how hot you felt under the blankets and the splitting headache were the first things to push you into wakefulness. With a groan, you tossed some of the comforter off as you tried to open your eyes. The sunlight made you groan, your head pounding in return as you cursed quietly under your breath. Slowly, your eyes adjusted and you were able to take in the room around you. It was familiar, but you didn’t remember how you got there.
Judging from the sunlight and the silence of the house, you figured you had slept until later in the day. This wasn’t your first stay over at Joel’s home–it was starting to become a fairly regular thing–but you usually remembered asking and sleeping in his bed.
However, the headache, dry mouth, and your last memory of the previous night taking place at a bar told you most of what you needed to know.
“Shit…” you whispered, rubbing at your eyes as you tried to will yourself to get up. Your limbs removed to listen, however, and you couldn’t really find the energy at the moment.
Though, it didn’t seem like things were going to play out with you staying in bed. You heard someone approach the closed door, giving it a knock before opening.
“C’mon,” Joel prompted as he stepped into the room, “It’s almost noon. You’ll feel better once you’re up and got somethin’ to eat.”
“Shouldn’t you be at work?” you asked, allowing him to help you to a stand. You reached out to brace a hand against his dresser, shutting your eyes for a moment as your head protested the shift in movement.
“Took the day off. Tommy’s got it, anyway,” he replied, “Judgin’ from how you turned up last night, I figured you might need the help.”
“I don’t even remember showing up here,” you said around a sigh, “I’m so sorry, Joel.”
“You were lucky Sarah was already asleep by the time you showed up. I couldn’t even keep up with what you were talkin’ about. It doesn’t matter now, I guess.”
“I’m still sorry.”
Joel made a small dismissive gesture, extending his arm to help steady you a little as you let him lead you downstairs. He didn’t sound too pleased, and you couldn’t blame him, but him staying home with you was a surprisingly sweet gesture. It still made you feel bad, but you appreciated it. You approached the kitchen yourself once you were downstairs, grateful that nausea hadn’t hit you too hard.
You sat yourself down at one of the chairs at the kitchen table, pressing a hand over your eyes as Joel set about making you some coffee.
“The few times I’ve drank with you, you certainly didn’t get like you were last night,” he commented, making you drop your hand from your face to look at his back.
“I don’t, usually,” you replied, “Not unless–I’m just sorry, it won’t happen again. I’m mortified.”
“Outside from fallin’ up the steps outside and passin’ out as soon as you hit the bed, there’s not much you did to feel embarrassed about,” Joel said, finally turning around with two mugs before passing one off to you. “It’s black, but it’ll help. So don’t complain.”
“I think that’s a myth,” you muttered, but took a sip of the coffee anyway.
“Guess we’ll find out,” he returned while sitting down in the chair across from you.
Despite the reassurance, you were still embarrassed. You didn’t want to give the impression that you were some problem drinker, but you knew you fell back on alcohol when it felt like your head was getting too crowded. You had noticed that the days were dragging along, you struggled to maintain an enthusiastic face and most days you just got home from work and slept. The offer to drink was just too tempting in the state you were in.
“There’s a lot going on in my head,” you admitted around a small sigh, “I get kind of…trapped in there, and it just…I don’t know. I used to drown it with alcohol, and I thought I managed to kick that habit but…well, last night is proving otherwise, I guess.”
“I knew something was wrong, just…didn’t know how to bring it up,” Joel said after a small pause.
“I don’t know either,” you replied with a small huff, “I’ve just…haven’t been in a relationship for a long time.”
“I haven’t, either. Not since Sarah’s mother.” Joel glanced down at his cup, looking into the contents like it’d help him with the conversation. That quiet pause and momentary disconnect was something you found yourself relating too. It happened a lot when you’d mention your last relationship.
Really, it was the lingering wounds from that relationship that was the source for a lot of your doubt. You could feel that debate sitting in you about mentioning anything, and yet you wanted to shy away and put that wall up. You had too much to drink and it won’t happen again. Yet…considering how close you were getting to Joel, you knew he deserved more than a wall.
“I, um…” you started, wrapping your hands around your mug but didn’t move it any as you fought with yourself about what to say. “I had a fiance a long while ago. I…found out about the cheating a couple months from the wedding, and just…I never could really bring myself to get back into this whole…dating thing. I know that it wasn’t my fault, yet it just…it left me with these doubts. That I do something that drives people away. That I’m never good enough and I should just wait until…you leave or…”
“I had no idea,” Joel replied after a pause, shaking his head lightly. “I had never thought…well, I’d thought you would shoot me down when I asked for that dinner. I thought you were out of my league.”
“Come on,” you said around a disbelieving huff, “‘Hot Dad’ Joel Miller thinks I’m out of his league. You’re kidding.”
“Please don’t tell me people call me that…” he muttered, taking a sip from his coffee before speaking again. “And I’m not.”
“I don’t want to throw any neighbors under the bus,” you replied, getting up from your seat, “I need some water with this or I’m going to get sick.”
While you appreciated the lighter banter, that tightness still sat in your chest from talking about your past. You didn’t know how to really get into it, but it was an explanation for the previous night you supposed. Though, you heard Joel rise from his chair as you filled a glass with some water, drinking that slowly until you felt him touch your arm. You placed the glass down before you turned back toward him.
“Hope you know I’d never do that to you,” he said, which had a small smile crossing your face as you reached up to place your hand on his shoulder.
“I do. It’s an irrational doubt,” you said with a nod.
“I’d…be the one losin’, anyway. You’re intelligent, beautiful, great with Sarah. I’m not goin’ anywhere.”
You tried to come up with something to say with that, yet the relief that settled in you at his words and the warm feeling in your chest seemed to leave you struggling to find the words. Instead, you cupped his cheeks and pressed a kiss to his mouth.
*****
“Hey.”
You felt a light tap against the side of your face, a hand cupping your other cheek as you groaned. The grogginess of sleep didn’t have you reacting right away, but the pain that settled into your face had you prying your eyes open. It took you a moment before you recognized the person in front of you, the hardness to his expression as you felt him turn your head somewhat. Joel looked about as angry as you expected, though the concern put an odd feeling in your gut.
“What happened?” he demanded, you pushing his hands away as you sat up with a wince at your ribs. “Who did this?”
“It doesn’t matter,” you replied, moving to stand up from the couch as you dug out one of the painkillers in your pocket. “It won’t fix anything.”
“What do you mean?”
You shook your head lightly, moving around him to hobble into the kitchen to find a usable cup so you could take the pill before the pain got too overwhelming. Though, you wished Joel had waited until you had done that before you had to deal with this. You took the medication as he followed you into the kitchen, grabbing your arm but you shook off his hold as you moved to sit down at the kitchen table with a heavy exhale.
“I got jumped in an alleyway,” you stated, “They didn’t want anything on me, just wanted to send a message to you. Said they’d do worse next time if you mess with them again, but the fact is that I can’t tell you who did it because I’ve never seen them before. So, it doesn’t fucking matter.”
“Just tell me something about them,” Joel replied, pulling a chair out to sit down beside you, “I can narrow it down from there. I’m not lettin’ them run around when they could come back.”
“Joel, it won’t change anything,” you stated, “I could tell you whatever you want, but it won’t stop you from pissing these types of people off. So, it’ll happen again.”
“I wasn’t the one who gave you a black eye,” Joel retorted, “How’s this my fault?”
“Because they beat me up to get back at you, Joel. You can go kill these fuckers all you want, but it won’t change anything because it’ll be the same with the next group of people you rob or rip off. So, yeah, I do blame you.”
“The things I do, I do to survive,” he stated, staring hard into your eyes, “You’ve never wanted to realize what it takes to survive in this world. The world’s changed, and we have to adapt. So, tell me wh–”
“You’re so full of shit, Joel!” you exclaimed, slamming a hand down on the table. “There are other ways to survive. I’ve seen it! You just don’t want to deal with everything the last several years has put you through!”
“Don’t start with that,” he stated, “You need to grow up and accept–”
“Oh, fuck you!” you shouted, standing from the table. “I need to grow up? Learn how to survive? Tell me, where is the survival in cornering people who are just trying to get by and taking their stuff? The people you’ve killed who you provoked? You refuse to find another way because you’re angry and you won’t deal with why.”
“Yes, I’m angry!” Joel exclaimed, “You haven’t lost what I’ve lost. You don’t know what it’s like–”
“I haven’t lost?” you asked, “I haven’t been angry?”
“No, not in the same way.”
Despite the pain in your ribs and your injuries, you lashed out with a quick shout. You shoved Joel back by the shoulders with enough force to surprise the both of you, it seemed. Taking a few steps back, you pressed a hand to your side as you stared at him.
“You want to know what I’ve lost?” you snapped, “I’ve lost my family. My friends. I know you seem to think I’m not worthy of mourning her, but I lost Sarah too! I lived with you for over a year before this shit happened. All of us were close. You want to know what else I lost? You. I have to deal with this stranger standing in your place, but I don’t know who you are anymore. I’m seeing that you don’t know me, either.”
“Listen–”
“No,” you interrupted, shaking your head, “No. Y’know what? It doesn’t matter. It really doesn’t. You won’t have to worry about me and those people. I’m not staying.”
“What are you talkin’ about?” Joel asked, watching as you moved back toward the bed to sit down on it.
“As soon as I’m healed up enough, I’m leaving,” you replied, shaking your head as you pushed through the agony you felt in your chest about what was happening. “I…I tried to understand, Joel. You won’t give me the same. You’re not the man I fell in love with, and I denied that for a long while but that is the reality I’ve come to accept. I can’t stay with you.”
“...Where would you even go?” he asked, making you look up at him. There was a small change in him, the rage that you saw in his eyes was still there, but he looked almost…surprised. “I want to protect you. You…you and Tommy are the only family I have left. You take off, I can’t…”
“Joel, I can take care of myself. I’ve…I’ve been collecting ration cards where I can, I have been preparing for this. I don’t need you to protect me.”
You watched as Joel pressed a hand over his eyes, his free hand on his hip as he turned away from you. It had always been kind of hard to tell with Joel, he tended to keep his cards close to his chest, but you knew this was tearing him up too. You knew you were pushing back a part of you that just wanted to beg him to change, for things to go back to how they were before all of this, yet you knew that wasn’t possible. If Joel wanted to change, he would’ve. When you saw how easily he killed, it changed something in you. You couldn’t see him as the same man from what you remembered, and you had to stop pretending like you’d be able to find him in there and pull him out.
“You’re the only family I have left, too,” you continued, “I love you, Joel. That’s why I’ve stayed for so long, but I can’t…”
“Well, you got the ration cards, so it seems like you’ve made your mind up,” he stated, still not turning to look at you.
“Joel…”
“If you’re goin’, then go,” he stated, finally turning to walk toward the door, “I’ll stay with Tommy until you’re gone.”
“Joel–”
He shook his head, yanking the door open before walking out and leaving with a slam. You flinched at the sound, shutting your eyes tightly as you released a hard breath. You hadn’t really thought about how telling him that would go, and you regretted the shove and the shouting, but the words were truthful. You knew you had to do this. You didn’t want to know how things would be for you if you stayed.
Yet, you couldn’t help the tightness in your throat, finally releasing the sob you had been holding back the whole time.
Was so beautifully written, and the angst was deffo there😭
Please do a part two, maybe where like they’re in an argument because the reader doesn’t agree with Joel’s ways (aka smuggling and trapping innocents for their stuff) but honestly you can do whatever you want🤍
Ahh, thank you!! 💕 I'm definitely toying with doing a second part, so I'll consider your idea! Thank you for the message, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Pairing: Joel Miller x Reader
Summary: When you return from a late-night job in the QZ to find Joel asleep, it gives you the opportunity to reflect on your relationship with him.
Warnings: Heavy on the angst. The fluff’s really only there to aid the angst. Mentions of alcohol and drug abuse. Both pre!outbreak and post!outbreak, pre-established relationship and it’s suggested the reader is around Joel’s age. Mentions of child death and Joel’s suicide attempt. Also, the reader’s gender is not really defined, so I left it ambiguous. Just, uh, yeah. Read at your own risk.
Note: I’m not sure if I’ll add more to this as a series of one-shots or something, but it’s fine as a stand-alone as it is for the most part. This is just 99% angst, I’m sorry.
Tag list (to be added just leave me a comment!): @faceache111
Outside of a muffled automated message from a few blocks over and a baby crying from the floor below, the building was quiet.
You paused at the end of your floor, glancing down the hallway as a spotlight momentarily illuminated the area through the windows as it passed. A few empty chairs, some boxes laying on the dirty floor, but otherwise you were alone too. It was a momentary relief, you letting your shoulders slump as you allowed the exhaustion you felt come out of hiding. Shifting the bag on your shoulder, you headed toward your apartment.
The late night jobs were always brutal, and only for a few more ration cards than other jobs. Joel usually took on these jobs and you preferred to work during daylight hours, yet…well, you were trying to get cards where you could.
You were surprised to find that the door was unlocked once you reached it, your brow furrowing as you gingerly opened the door. Taking a glance around the room, nothing seemed out of place. Outside of the fact that you could see Joel laying with his back toward you on the mattress you shared, seemingly fast asleep. You let out a relieved breath, as much as your confusion didn’t really fade as you shut the door behind you quietly. It was rare that Joel was back and asleep before you were these days, and if he was you usually found him awake at this hour anyway.
Shouldering off your bag and placing it down by a leg of the table, you made your way over to him. While you knew he was sleeping with his bad ear facing toward you, a part of you was expecting him to stir once you reached the side of the mattress. In the dim light from outside that filtered in through a window, you could make out the scar on his head. That had been…a horrible day, one that haunted you sometimes. Back then you had been terrified that he’d leave you, one way or another, and you wanted to do anything to help with his suffering.
Yet, you had learned over time that losing a kid in the way he had would never really fade. You also learned that you weren’t as scared about being on your own as you used to be.
Your foot shifted, tapping against a half-empty bottle of alcohol on the floor. It was hard to tell what exactly it was, sometimes, as you had seen a number of pre-outbreak and post-outbreak alcohol over the years. Though, from the amber color of it that sloshed around as you picked it up, you could make a guess.
He was mixing those painkillers, too, judging from the bag that he hadn’t hid.
“Joel…” you sighed, voice barely above a whisper. Still no stirring.
You took in a slow breath, gently reaching out to rest two fingers against the pulse point in his neck. There was a steady heartbeat, at least, he was just pretty knocked out. Despite everything, you still felt some relief upon checking.
Stepping away from him, you turned with the bottle in hand and wandered into the small kitchen area. Of course, there wasn’t much of anything outside of the odd canned food and the odd scrap that could be useful in other ways. You had some glasses, at least, you picking up a clean one before heading toward the table. You poured yourself a small drink, placing the bottle down before sinking down into one of the chairs at the table.
You didn’t take a drink from it, however, your hand resting over the glass as you listened to the sounds around you. Muffled noises from elsewhere in the building, the tap of a leak outside against a roof nearby. A number of thoughts drifted through your mind–the worry about Joel, what you ultimately wanted to do, the job you signed up for in a couple of days, if you’d be around to even show up by then. You thought about before, too–everything. This whole thing. It felt like it was a lifetime you had watched in a movie, now–memories faded around the edges, parts of conversations missing due to time, and you felt like a different person. Joel, too.
Shutting your eyes for a few moments, you could almost see a memory unfolding in front of you. A couple years before the outbreak, a road trip that the both of you had been saving up for, Sarah asleep in the backseat as you sat in the passenger seat, Joel driving. You could see the road, hear the hum of the engine in the background.
The water against the roof sounded kind of like the clicking of a turning signal.
***
“Not you, too. C’mon.”
A light but noticeable thump against your arm made you jump slightly, your hand lifting instantly to rub at your eyes as you sat up a little in the seat. You glanced toward Joel, you gave you an amused glance as he placed his hand back down into his lap and looked back out at the road. Considering the highway was straight and there weren’t too many cars, you figured the interruption was more for his entertainment than anything urgent.
“What?” you asked around a small chuckle, “I was just…watching the scenery.” The heaviness behind your eyes said otherwise. “It’s a road trip, I’m supposed to sightsee.”
“Well, you tell me when you see an interestin’ road sign or rock,” Joel replied, “You said you were gonna switch out with me in an hour, anyway. Let me sightsee with my eyes closed.”
“Look, if you can’t even keep Sarah awake, you can’t blame me for shutting my eyes for a few moments.”
“She’s saving her energy to be your issue while I take my nap later,” he returned, making you chuckle as you shifted to sit up a little better. It’d help with your alertness, you figured.
Really, you weren’t too exhausted and…well, he wasn’t wrong. There wasn’t too much to look at on the current highway, the disinterest, rumbling of the car, and the songs playing on a low volume on the radio made the temptation to doze off hard to resist. It wasn’t your first long journey in a car, but it had been…more than a couple years since you had been on a trip anywhere. Taking a longer route by car seemed more appealing than a flight on a plane, as much as it would be much shorter.
The long road trip that always seemed more appealing in theory and less so when you realized how bare some places were.
Still…well, it was hard to say ‘no’ to Joel, as you had found out a while ago. From his help with fixing some damage to your home, to the small conversations, and eventually a ‘purely friendly’ coffee, he was a hard guy to turn down. It didn’t help that you had eyed him around the neighborhood sometimes and it still felt a little surreal that he returned that same interest. Even if it took a couple on-and-off interactions to get to that point. With how wonderful Sarah was, it just seemed like things fell into place naturally after.
“...I, uh,” you started, leaning an arm on the middle console as you glanced out toward an approaching road sign, “I never got to say it, but: thank you for inviting me. I know we haven’t been seeing each other for a super long time, but…it means a lot to me.”
“It was mostly Sarah.”
“Uh-huh,” you chuckled as his hand found your own resting off the side of the console.
“She really likes you. What can I say?” he replied, lacing his fingers between your own, “I wanted you here, too. It was a good deal.”
He lifted your intertwined hands up toward his mouth to press a small, lingering kiss to the back of your hand before dropping them back down. You struggled to hold back a chuckle as you turned to look back out at the road again, feeling his thumb brushing over your knuckles.
“You sure know how to avoid a serious conversation,” you said lightheartedly after a few moments, turning your head to look at him again. “I still mean it, though.”
“I remember you sayin’ that you hadn’t left Texas in years,” Joel said after a small pause, “Had this look on your face. I guess the idea formed from there. I’m…relieved you agreed, I wasn’t sure if you would considerin’ a trip’s a lot for how long we’ve been together.”
“...Well, I had to override my initial reaction to jump at the chance, but…” you replied somewhat sheepishly, “You’re very convincing.”
“You deserve to have a good time,” he said, glancing toward you with a small grin, “If I can help give you that, then it’s not a problem for me.”
“You’re more of a softie than you let on, Joel Miller.” If he wasn’t driving, you would have given into the urge to kiss him. Instead, you just squeezed your hand tighter around his own, a touch of emotion sitting in your chest as you let the words sink in.
Joel didn’t reply to that, though you could see a lightness in his expression. You had always seen him as someone who was a little withdrawn, a little guarded. The first time you saw him around Sarah had been a bit of a surprise to you, but slowly he seemed to open up to you and in turn you let him in further. This was the happiest you had seen him so far, free from stress and work, and you couldn’t help but feel like you were right where you belong.
“Sarah’s draggin’ us to a few museums on the way, so I hope you’ll be feelin’ the same way once we get back home,” he said.
“Joke’s on you, we worked together to pick out the best ones. She tried to get me to convince you to turn this into a museum-themed tour,” you replied with a chuckle, shifting forward to turn the music up a touch when a certain song came on that you enjoyed.
The amused, somewhat toothy, grin that he gave you in return once you settled back into your seat was hard not to return with another laugh.
***
You couldn’t remember much beyond that point–a few of the museums you remembered in vague ways, some odd moments from the trip, but that one moment always stuck with you. Hindsight helped you realize that you loved the both of them more than you knew at the time, but now it lingered in your mind like a dream.
The details were blurry, you couldn’t exactly remember the landscape, what shirt Joel was wearing, if Sarah was sleeping behind your seat or Joel’s, the songs on the radio just vaguely there. That conversation you held onto, though, and you couldn’t let go of it for some reason. Perhaps like how Joel never removed the watch he wore the night of the outbreak. You wanted to cling onto the past in some way, like things would…rearrange. You’d wake up and it’d all be a nightmare, curled up in Joel’s arms. You’d see Sarah at breakfast instead of how Joel held her corpse in his arms, begging her to come back.
The ache in your body told you that wasn’t the reality, however.
The Joel you knew back then had died then, too, and what was left was…someone you didn’t really know anymore. He had the same face, same voice, but he was quickly turning into someone you didn’t know. From how Joel talked sometimes, you figured that maybe he didn’t know who he was becoming either. A part of you always wanted to stay because of that. If you could constantly remember and be reminded of how you used to be, maybe you could help him do the same. Yet, you were realizing that he didn’t want that.
The amount of times he snapped at you for mentioning Sarah, or anything to do with how things used to be. That you had no right to, as if he forgot that you had lived with them for over a year by the time of the outbreak. That you had spent longer as you got to know her and she got to know you. It wasn’t the same pain, but it still hurt you to lose her too.
You let out a sigh, letting the memory linger in the back of your mind as you took back the drink you poured before gathering yourself to a stand.
The bag you brought with you sat by your foot, you looking down at it for a few moments before you picked it up. You slung it over your shoulder, approaching the mattress where Joel still slept. You paused, the door and his back just in view as if taunting you with the choice. You could still remember the man who had kissed your hand in that car, and you could remember how Joel held onto you when you were reunited in a medical bay that night as he kept muttering about how Sarah was gone.
Your throat tightened, a painful squeeze as you could feel the tears blur your vision. At that moment, you just wanted to sit down and cry. You had no idea what you were doing. If you left, you had no idea where to go or how long you would survive on what you had. If you stayed, you didn’t know what would greet you in the coming years either. You shut your eyes, letting a few tears as you willed yourself to slow down.
You would figure it out. It didn’t need to be tonight. Just…keep working, once you had enough to survive on, you could weigh everything then.
You let your shoulders slump, dropping the bag back down onto the floor and you headed toward the bed. Joel remained where you had left him last, arm curled in front of him somewhat as he slept. You lowered yourself down, pausing a moment before you reached out and lifted his arm so you could slip one around his torso and curl into him. While he didn’t wake up much, you felt him wrap his arm around you sleepily in return.
When you shut your eyes, all you could see was Joel in that driver’s seat, a lightness to his expression that you hadn’t seen in years.
Pairing: Joel Miller x Fem!Reader
Summary: "You were used to that from him in some sense–as much as you moved forward with him, sometimes he took a couple steps backwards. It was an odd dance the two of you did. Some days you could meet that with understanding, yet at times it felt like you were hoping for something that might not be." Or: Joel acts strangely about you getting injured.
Warnings: GRAPHIC SMUT. Minors do not interact. There is also blood, injury, mentions of death and medical settings. Plenty of angst, uncertain relationships.
Note: I'm so happy I finished this monster. lol I went into this with your standard 'injury reveals feelings' thing and it evolved into this whole thing. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy. I'm sorry for my absences, it's been a rough couple of months for me.
Tag list (to be added just leave me a comment!): @faceache111
You couldn’t believe this was happening.
You didn’t know why, though. It wasn’t like you didn’t know that things could turn disastrous in a moment–you had faced raiders, various infected, desperate people willing to do anything to survive. All it took was a wrong move sometimes, a sharp word or look. Making too much noise or taking a wrong turn somewhere. Everybody’s luck had to run out eventually. You had heard that said from time to time, usually in light of an unfortunate death or situation that wasn’t going to end any other way.
Yet, you had almost distanced yourself from that. As if it couldn’t happen to you. Realistically, you knew you didn’t believe that deep down, but with how things had been recently? It just didn’t seem like the same dangers lingered around each corner.
Jackson was probably one of the safest settlements you had managed to come across in recent years, and it made sense that the population grew over the years you had stayed there. Electricity, food, water, entertainment. It was easy to find yourself momentarily forgetting what the world was like outside of the walls. Outside of the day-to-day that you had found yourself falling into. Picking up various tasks and jobs that needed doing, then usually spending your nights with Joel and Ellie. The recent uneventful patrols had allowed your guard to come down and the danger was allowed to slip into the back of your mind without you trying to force it there.
Your luck had to run out eventually and reality would sink back in.
Reality did just that, punctuating that fact with the pain that ripped through your torso. You were forced back, slamming hard into the wall of the abandoned building you had searched countless times before. It was just realistic to not expect it to be empty all the time, but you had started making that mistake and the metal sticking out of your side proved that.
The next couple of moments passed in quick succession. You saw the look on the guy’s face in front of you, hands wrapped around the end of the pole he had just impaled you with. You realized at the distance you were that he was just a kid, that tightness of his expression when he had attacked you shifting somewhat. You were waiting for him to pull the weapon out of you, to leave you to bleed out on the floor. Yet, he released it, instead taking the bag that had slipped from your hands when he had gotten the upper hand on you. Feebly, you tried to move forward so you could stop him, yet the pain at any movement made your legs wobbly and the shock made you slow.
He slung your bag over his shoulder before turning to sprint off down the hall, likely toward where he had entered. There was a part of you that was screaming that you should chase after him, to fight back. Yet, you just stood there, hands wrapped around the object sticking out of you. Blood was already slipping between your fingers, coating your skin and soaking into your shirt.
Finally, your legs gave out as a sharper pain ripped through you, your mind catching up to the moment.
You scrambled to find purchase on a table, only ending up on your knees beside it but the pain made you double over. There was a faint ringing in your ears, a sort of nausea hitting you for a few moments before you managed to work past it. With a short cry in pain, you managed to pull yourself up to a stand again and hobbled your way to another table, then another, using your hands and arms to keep yourself upright. As much as the pain was threatening to make you lay down and curl into yourself, you knew that you didn’t want to bleed out on the floor with the group you went on patrol with so nearby.
You separating from them was only supposed to last a minute or two so you could check a building and see if there was anything that had been missed the last time you had been through there. Moods had been high, things relaxed, and now it felt like the horses and the group seemed so far away.
The walking seemed like a blur after a while, your hands slick where you held the metal rod sticking into you. If there was any small mercy your assailant left you with, it was that he didn’t pull it out so you would bleed out all the quicker. It was still a lot of blood, however, which sparked a small sense of panic in your mind but you were focused on finding help. They had to have regrouped by now, probably waiting for you to show up so you all could head back home. You kept putting one foot in front of the other, breathing shallowly as deeper breaths would spark more pain and make the journey all the more difficult.
You could feel a sort of numbness wash over you at points, a sort of daze as you stumbled back through familiar structures and landmarks where you knew you had left your horse. You hadn’t wandered far, but in your current state you might as well have left it back in Jackson with how long it seemed before you saw the familiar animal.
The meeting point wasn’t too far, only a shortcut back up the path and you’d be fine. Yet, you struggled to grasp the horn of the saddle, managing to plant a foot in a stirrup. You pushed yourself up, the pain in your torso making you yell out in anguish. You knew you had to throw your leg over and you couldn’t lay on your stomach in fear of pushing the metal further into you. Yet, your legs gave out, making you fall backwards.
The ground hit your back, making the pain rip through you anew as you yelled again. Instantly, your hands grasped the metal rod again, a dizziness washing over you at the burning from the wound. You had to get back up, yet you couldn’t seem to will yourself to do so. You could slowly see some blackness eat away at the edges of your vision, you looking up the path you needed to head up as you could feel that numbness washing over you again.
Finally, you blacked out, leaving you on the ground by your horse as you could vaguely recall hearing some hurried footsteps approaching.
***
“What the fuck are you doing!? Don’t pull it out, it’s the only thing keeping–”
“Lots of blood–”
“Don’t know what supplies we have right now but–”
You weren’t exactly sure just when it felt like you were coming back to reality. Bits and pieces of conversation and sensations had leaked into your unconscious, but for the most part it felt like you had just passed out for a while. Yet, the ache in your limbs and the grogginess of your head suggested that you were unconscious for more than just a couple hours. Gingerly, you took in a slow, deep breath, a tightness across your chest and some mild pain blossomed in your side. Immediately, you saw in your mind’s eye the bloody piece of metal that had been sticking out of you.
With a small exhale, you struggled to open your eyes. Thankfully, the room was somewhat dull when you finally opened them, so the mild light wasn’t too overpowering. It took a moment for you to come back into reality, starting to feel the pillow at the back of your head, you laying on a hard bed in a room in Jackson’s medical station. You could recognize it from the few times you had volunteered to help out there. You weren’t in a terrible amount of pain, though catching the sight of the pill bottles and syringes on a table beside the bed told you that you probably had a little more than just sleep keeping you from feeling your injuries just yet.
Slowly, you took in more of the room, your gaze shifting across a few other empty beds and tables before settling on someone sitting in a chair near the window where some sunlight was being let in. You couldn’t tell what time it was from that, however, outside from the fact that it was day.
Ellie was sitting there, apparently engrossed in one of those comic books that she liked. It didn’t seem like she had noticed that you were awake yet and the woozy part of you argued to just go back to sleep and not worry her about you being awake, yet your mouth was terribly dry.
Plus, you had no idea how long you had been out. She might appreciate knowing you were awake.
You weren’t sure if you could find your voice just yet, so you found yourself dropping your arm somewhat and knocked lightly against one of the table legs next to your bed.
Immediately, her gaze lifted toward you. Ellie seemed to regard you neutrally for a few seconds before she stood up abruptly.
“Holy shit,” she remarked, “You’re actually awake.”
You nodded lightly, clearing your throat somewhat before speaking.
“Water?” Your voice sounded strange in your own ears, rough and a little weak. Though, given the dryness in your mouth and throat, you hoped some water might help with that.
“Uh, yeah,” Ellie said, turning around to head toward another part of the room, “Just hang on.”
You slowly shifted, going to move to swing your legs over the side of the bed, but the pinching in your side and the swaying in your head kept you from doing so. Instead, you managed to sit somewhat upright, accepting the cup of water once Ellie had returned to your side. You took it down almost immediately, relieving the dryness in your mouth and throat as you tried not to chug it and make yourself sick.
“Thanks,” you said once you were finished, resting the cup in your lap, “I hope you haven’t been waiting super long here. I can’t imagine it was all that entertaining.”
“What? Like today?”
You shot Ellie a strange look at her questioning, the look almost echoed in her own expression.
“You’ve been out for like…a week and a half? Almost?”
“What?” you asked around a disbelieving huff.
“Yeah. There was the wound, then the infection and fever. You don’t remember anything about that? You were in and out.”
“No, I don’t,” you replied, dropping your gaze down to the cup in your lap as you frowned. “I didn’t think I got hurt that bad, but…I guess that makes sense. I still don’t feel great.”
“Yeah, well…” Ellie continued, sounding somewhat awkward–like she was picking her words, “You should probably get some more rest. The doctor should be back soon.”
“Oh, trust me, I don’t have the strength to go anywhere,” you muttered, settling back down onto the pillow as you watched Ellie settle back into the chair, crossing her legs.
“Joel will be relieved to know you’re awake,” she continued, “You know how he gets.”
“I do…” you replied, shifting your head so you were looking up at the ceiling, “It’ll be nice to see him too.”
You didn’t really know exactly what the thing you had with Joel was, but in the moment you couldn’t help but feel his absence. You could only imagine what this whole thing was like on both of them, too. Whatever label you may or may not give things, you knew there was a closeness there.
In the moment, you couldn’t help but feel some sort of guilt about getting hurt. Sure, you hadn’t exactly gone out looking to be stabbed, but you weren’t as alert as you should have been. As groggy as you were, Ellie’s surprise and relief upon seeing you awake wasn’t lost on you. It sat heavily on your chest for a few moments, yet the thoughts remained unspoken as you couldn’t really bring yourself to form the words to express them. At the moment, anyway.
Regardless, you found yourself drifting off easily enough, despite everything. Given the weakness that still lingered in your limbs, you figured your body needed the rest anyway.
***
The next couple of days seemed to pass by in a bit of a blur.
Mostly examinations of your wound, and you were pretty sure the painkillers they were giving you had helped pass the time otherwise. There had been a number of visitors–Maria, Tommy, the two people you had been on patrol with, Ellie. No Joel. Not to your face, anyway. Ellie had mentioned that he’d stopped by a couple times while you were asleep, but didn’t stay for too long.
Admittedly, that hurt. You weren’t really too sure what to make of that.
You couldn’t say Joel was impossible to read, but sometimes…well, his thoughts were often a bit of a mystery to you. At the moment, however, it was odd that he checked in but didn’t want to actually do so face-to-face. You had been tempted to ask Ellie if she knew why, but thought against it. It wasn’t her responsibility to mediate, and you figured Joel would eventually say something about it. With your strength returning, it wasn’t like you would be stuck in bed for much longer.
The pain was getting better upon movement, and apparently the wound was looking good. You’d be able to leave soon.
It wasn’t until you were moving around pretty freely on your own, outside of moving in ways that put too much strain on your stitches, that a familiar figure appeared in the doorway to your room.
You sat down on the bed, casting Joel a somewhat cautious look but otherwise didn’t say anything in greeting. You didn’t really have to, given that he walked into the room once you acknowledged him, removed his pack from over his shoulder and placed it on the floor near the chair sitting by your bedside.
“You look better.”
“Yeah, I must look different with my eyes open,” you muttered.
Joel let out a sigh, sitting himself down on the chair as he glanced toward the door for a few moments. The clinic didn’t look too busy, but it was hard to tell from where you were sitting. You found your gaze shifting toward the man sitting in front of you, however, as much as it took him a while more before he met your gaze again.
“I heard the doctors were lettin’ you out soon,” he said, “I…I know you’re stayin’ in that crowded house, thought it’d be easier on you if you spent a couple days with us. Closer to here, too.”
You couldn’t help but let out a small huff. “This is the first time I’m seeing you since I woke up here and you’re offering up your house?”
“You want the bed or not?”
“If you tell me why you’ve been avoiding me, first. I’d like to know how awkward it’ll be.”
“I wasn’t avoidin’ you,” Joel returned, rubbing at the lower half of his face somewhat, “I was tryin’ to find the guy who stabbed you. We needed supplies, too.”
“Joel…”
“You didn’t see yourself when you were pulled in here,” he said, the anger lingering in his expression not exactly surprising you, but it still took you aback somewhat. It wasn’t directed at you, but…well, you knew you had been worse off than you had thought you were.
“It doesn’t matter anyway,” he continued, glancing away for a moment, “I couldn’t find anything.”
“He was…young. Like, pretty young. I’d say eighteen, but could even be younger than that. He caught me off guard, but he was alone. Took off with my stuff, but it wasn’t anything that I can’t find again. I don’t think he’s worth the effort.”
“You could’ve died.”
“I just don’t think it’s worth it, considering I didn’t. If there’s no evidence of more raiders, I’d say he probably stumbled across me.”
Joel didn’t reply to that, and from the expression on his face you knew that he probably disagreed with that. Still, your former irritation with him seemed to have ebbed off, as much as you didn’t really want him chasing after your attacker when you figured it would just be a waste of resources. You could understand his anger, at least in regards to what he likely saw of you while you were unconscious, but at the moment you just wanted to move on from the whole ordeal.
“I’ll be okay,” you said after a few moments, “If you’re offering to let me stay with you guys for a while, I’d really appreciate that. Thank you.”
***
The first couple of days that followed you leaving the medical building were a bit of a blur of painkillers and sleep. As much as you had felt better before you were discharged, an exhaustion still lingered and you found yourself struggling to maintain energy. You could feel it getting progressively better, which kept you going, but it still was a rough experience. It was better than being dead.
Yet, your situation was awkward.
As much as it felt like you had moved a little forward with Joel while you were still under the care of the doctors, it felt like things had kind of slipped back. You were used to that from him in some sense–as much as you moved forward with him, sometimes he took a couple backwards. It was an odd dance the two of you did. Some days you could meet that with understanding, yet at times it felt like you were hoping for something that might not be. In the current situation, though, it just stung. The continued absence and distance while you were staying under his roof was awkward and confusing, and the more you healed, the more you were aware of it.
If it wasn’t for Ellie, you would have thought you imposed yourself on them, despite Joel being the one to offer the room.
So, it was inevitable that you felt a little bitter once you had decided you were fine enough to leave. You didn’t have much to pack up, only a bottle of antibiotics that you were supposed to finish and some of your clothing. You’d just leave and have the space to figure out what was happening–it felt like you were close to both Joel and Ellie, but now you had to wonder if you were overestimating Joel’s fondness. Would hunt down and murder the guy that hurt you, but then turned around and did this whole thing.
It made no sense to you, so it seemed natural that you hesitated when it seemed Joel was home the moment you were going to leave.
You hesitated outside the guest bedroom that you had been staying in, Joel shedding his jacket before he noticed you.
“Hey,” he greeted in his usual gruff way.
“Hey,” you returned flatly, trying to hold back a bitter huff.
“Where are you goin’?” he asked, seeming to notice you with your jacket on as you double checked your pockets.
“Home,” you replied, “I finished the course of painkillers and I’m three days out from finishing the antibiotics. After that, I should be fine, so I figured I wouldn’t overstay my welcome any further than I have.”
“I think if you did, you would’ve known.”
“You could’ve fooled me,” you replied, the bitter sarcasm slipping out before you could really try to rein it in.
Joel regarded you for a few moments, an odd look on his face. He had always been hard to read at points–humorous and even lighthearted sometimes, especially around Ellie, and then he was shut off like he was currently. You didn’t really know which Joel you were going to get, and you could feel your heart squeeze as that confusion and the build up of pain from the last week or so started to overtake your urge to leave.
You spread your arms out at your sides in a half shrug.
“I don’t know what happened–if I did something, I don’t know,” you started, letting your arms rest back at your sides with a defeated slap. “I thought…I don’t know. I thought that we were closer than…whatever the fuck this is. Maybe…maybe I was wrong. Maybe it was never that way.”
“It’s not anythin’ you did,” Joel replied, his response only adding to the confusion you felt. You watched him as he rubbed a hand across his mouth in thought before he approached you to lean against the opposite wall from you in the hallway.
“Been…” he started, crossing his arms, “It’s been a long time since I’ve had people to worry about. It was always just myself, then Ellie…I guess I didn’t realize I’d started thinkin’ about you in similar ways until you got dragged in here. You…you were completely limp, bleedin’ through your clothes and on the back of the horse…”
You watched him carefully as he spoke, though the tension in your brow started to ease somewhat as his words sunk in. Things had been…bad. You knew that, yet…well, you supposed you wouldn’t know what you had looked like when the patrol had got you back into Jackson.
“I still don’t understand the distance. Especially here,” you replied, gesturing vaguely to the house around you.
Joel didn’t answer for a few moments, the pause dragging out as you could see a somewhat distant look cross his face before he shook his head lightly.
“I just felt helpless. If I could’ve found the person who hurt you, got them back, it would make me feel like…I did somethin’ for you. I couldn’t protect you in the moment, couldn’t do anything if you’d died from the fever. When you came back here, the feelin’ persisted.”
“Hurting the people who hurt me wouldn’t do anything for me, Joel,” you replied, “I know that’s not the only way you care for people. I’ve seen it when you interact with Ellie. I…you know how I feel about you, I just never wanted to push anything. This whole thing just made me wonder if I was looking for something that never existed.”
“...It’s there. More than you know,” Joel replied after another pause, which made you glance up toward him from where you had dropped your gaze to look at the floor.
“Well…” you started, letting out another, more amused, huff, “again, you could’ve fooled me.”
Despite the things shared and the current moment, it was still a bit of a surprise when you found yourself meeting Joel in the middle of the hall, his lips instantly on your own.
You responded in kind, a hand moving into his hair as your other one gripped at the front of his shirt. Joel pressed you back into the wall–not exactly a rough movement, but the impact made you grunt lightly into the kiss as you parted your lips to welcome him deepening the kiss. You knew throughout your relationship with Joel that there had been a few intimate moments, things said that probably shouldn’t have been said, but actually kissing him was new. You were a little hesitant with your movements, hands dropping down to his chest as you could feel his hands come down to rest on your lower back under your jacket.
As much as your mind was very distracted, you knew there were two choices you could make. You could part from the kiss, consider things mostly resolved and leave as you intended; or you could lean into what your body was craving and see if Joel was thinking the same.
The situation wasn’t ideal, some questions still sitting on your mind, but you had your mind made up by the time you could feel your lungs begging to take in more air.
You gently pushed against Joel’s shoulders, prompting him to part from the kiss. Leaning off the wall somewhat, you shouldered off your jacket before pressing your mouth against his own again. You let your hands trail down to slip under his shirt somewhat, running your hands along the skin at his hips as Joel pulled your body closer to your own. Joel parted from the kiss just enough to speak.
“You’re still recoverin’. You want to do this?”
“Yeah,” you nodded, “Don’t get too wild and it’ll be fine.”
At the confirmation, Joel pulled you back into a kiss. It was harder, a little more in line with what you both were hinting toward. You let him steer you backwards somewhat toward his bedroom, only parting from you to shut the door behind him once you both were inside. You pulled him down onto the bed with you, letting out a small moan against his mouth when you felt his hands slip under your shirt to trail up your sides somewhat. You trailed your hands up his chest until you found the top button of his shirt, your fingers starting to make quick work of the buttons as you felt Joel’s touch travel back down toward your hips.
You let out a small chuckle against his mouth when you felt him start to pull your shirt up. Parting from the kiss, you sat up somewhat to help him remove it the rest of the way. You leaned back down onto the bed, noticing that Joel’s gaze moved down your torso before stopping where you knew he would.
Despite the healing and being relatively pain free, the wound still wasn’t exactly pretty to look at.
“Hey,” you said, reaching up to cup the side of his face as Joel met your gaze again, “Don’t worry about it. I’m fine.”
“Still regret not bein’ able to do much for you, darlin’.”
“You can do something for me here,” you replied with a small grin, pulling at the hem of his shirt.
Joel hesitated for a few moments as you lifted his own shirt up, giving up on the buttons. He took over after the pause, pulling it off before you wrapped your arms around his shoulders as he pressed himself down against you. You let out a pleasured sigh when you felt him press his mouth against your neck. Though, that quickly turned into a small gasp when you felt one of his hands palm at your breast over your bra, the reaction making him groan lightly against the skin of your neck as he gave it a firm squeeze. You let out a small hum when he slipped his hand behind the cup to pinch and pull at your semi-hardened nipple.
You let your own hand trail down his back before dropping down toward the hem of his pants. Once you had dropped your hand down further, you palmed at him as Joel groaned into your shoulder and pressed his hips forward into your hand.
He pulled away somewhat, however, dropping his hands down so he could hook his fingers into the waistband of your pants.
“You first. You’re the one on bedrest,” Joel said, pulling your pants down somewhat so you had to lift your hips somewhat to help him out. “Take that bra off for me, though.”
While his tone wasn’t harsh or overly commanding, you couldn’t help but be a little more turned on by being bossed around by him a little. So, you sat up again as Joel pulled your pants down your legs, you unhooked your bra as Joel left you in just your underwear. You lay yourself back down as Joel propped himself up over you, letting out another small groan from the back of his throat as he cupped one of your breasts in his hand again. He brought his head down to take one of your nipples in his mouth, the feeling of him taking it lightly between his teeth making you arch into him a little with a moan.
Joel cupped your other breast with a hand, using his fingers to play with that nipple as he teased the other with his tongue. You squirmed somewhat under him, his teasing making you lift your hips somewhat. You brushed yourself against the knee he had planted between your legs, the contact making you press forward to seek it out again. Joel shifted his leg somewhat forward so that you rubbed your throbbing pussy against his knee, you moaning and grinding yourself against his leg as he continued to give his attention to your breasts.
He eventually pulled his leg back somewhat, however, making you let out a small sound at the loss of contact as Joel removed his mouth from around your nipple.
“Never took you for the needy type,” he commented.
“Joel…” you started, the frustration in your tone hard to find.
“Don’t worry, I got you,” he muttered before pressing his mouth against your own again.
You welcomed his tongue back into your mouth, brushing your own along his as you felt his occupied hand give your breast a squeeze before he released it. You felt him trail his hand down your side, past your stomach and hooked his fingers into the side of your underwear. He gave them a small tug down before slipping his hand inside, brushing his fingers along your wet lips. You moaned into his mouth, Joel rubbing back up along them with more pressure as you pressed your hips forward gently against his hand. He parted your lips with his fingers, pushing two fingers into them until he found your clit and started to rub against that.
As much as he was being gentle, his touch was precise and a little rough–it was very Joel and you couldn’t help but moan again and fight to keep your hips from moving too much.
You pressed your legs together somewhat around his hand, Joel mercifully pulling back from the kiss so you could take in some air. A short whimper escaped you once he did so, his movements against your clit sending more sparks of pleasure into your core.
“Keep makin’ those pretty sounds for me, baby,” he muttered, rubbing against your clit again before shifting his hand so he could ease a finger into you.
The sudden insertion made you gasp lightly, moving your hips against his finger as he pumped it in and out of you. Though, the addition of his second finger started to feel close to what you were craving. He kept his thumb rubbing against your clit as he pushed his fingers into you, Joel shifting so he could press a kiss against the side of your breast before dropping down to press another above your pubic bone. However, you weren’t prepared for him to push his head between your legs and drag his tongue against your clit.
You reached down to grasp at his hair as he pumped his fingers into you while licking and sucking against you. You were moving your hips of your own want, now, trying to match his movements as you ground yourself against his fingers and mouth. You knew that you weren’t quite close to coming undone, but the pleasure he was giving you was building a telltale pressure in your gut.
“Oh, Joel…” you moaned, “Fuck, that feels…”
He hummed lightly, the momentary vibration only making the experience more pleasurable as you dug your fingers into the flesh of your thigh with a soft moan. You weren’t sure what to make of the situation, reality leaking into the edges of your focus from time to time, but for the most part you just took in the moment for what it was. It was hard to focus on your thoughts for too long when Joel was between your legs, his fingers curling in a certain motion that only deepened your need for release.
So, it was hard to not feel a little jarred when he pulled away, you glancing up to see him removing the last of his clothing.
You sat up somewhat as Joel moved back toward the bed, you wrapping your hand around his hard cock to give it a few languid strokes. He was already starting to leak some precum, you making a point to swipe your thumb across the head a few times. You watched Joel’s expression as he did so, the way his lips parted and his eyes shut in pleasure, a low moan escaping him. As much as you knew you probably couldn’t do it for too long with your injury, you shifted on the bed somewhat so you could take his cock into your mouth.
Joel’s hand against your shoulder stopped you, however, your confused glance being met with a small shake of his head.
“Much as I’d like that, there’s no need. I really want to be inside you,” he explained, finally getting fully onto the bed.
“Yes, please…” you sighed, knowing you had been aching from the sudden lack of stimulation and it made you all the more relieved to hear that.
You allowed him to lower you back onto the bed, brushing his body against your own as his mouth found yours again. You could vaguely taste yourself on his tongue, that knowledge mixing erotically with the way he rolled his hips against yours. You could feel the length of his cock slide against your folds at the movement, which had you pressing your hips against his own in return.
It was a little needy, knowing that you were relishing in the feeling of being so close to him. Seeking out that contact. There had been so many long days and months where you just wanted to reach across the line and pull him into you, yet the uncertainty always got in the way. Though, you certainly couldn’t say there was anything hesitant about the way you wrapped a leg around one of his hips as Joel moved one of his hands down to line up his cock.
There definitely was a bit of a sting to the way he stretched you out, yet Joel was considerate to not just push in without regarding the slight grunts you let out as you adjusted to him. With the continuous rocking of his hips, that sting started to subside as you started to raise your hips to meet his light thrusts. You gasped lightly as you felt Joel’s teeth against the flesh of your shoulder–it wasn’t exactly a bite, but it was enough to catch your attention before he soothed it over with his tongue. You gripped at his back, tightening your arms around him somewhat.
Joel thrust into you a little harder now that you were relaxed enough, the sensation pulling moans out of you at a quicker rate than they had been. You kept meeting his thrusts with your own, tightening your leg around his hip so he could drive into you a little deeper. His cock was hitting places in you that were building on that pressure that had been gathering in you, the pleasure making you cry out lightly when he’d hit the right angle.
You knew Joel was a bit of a quieter person and expected the same in a situation like this, in part at least, so the grunts and moans he let out against your skin and into your ear was something you savored. He thrust into you a little harder at your movements, a hand gripped under your raised knee as he did so. Your hold on his shoulders tightened a little as you moaned, arching your back lightly.
“Right here, huh?” he asked around a hard breath, punctuating the question with another thrust that had you crying out again.
“Yes, yes,” you gasped out with a nod. Continuing like he was, you would be knocked over that edge in little time.
Thankfully, he seemed to tune into that, lining his thrusts up a little quicker as you met your hips with your own in kind. You weren’t sure how long he had to go, considering he seemed pretty insistent that he be inside you. Yet, his movements were consistent, only moving his hand down to your hip to help keep up the pace. You listened to his hard breathing in your ear, the groans he’d let out, and you knew this would come back to you in your memory from time to time.
After a while, you could feel yourself flutter somewhat around his cock, letting you know what was about to happen. You knew you could try to tell him, yet you couldn’t seem to form the words as you chased that release that seemed so tantalizingly close. You reached down to find your clit, knowing that it would help give you that final push that you were seeking. Joel noticed that after a few moments, letting out a low sound from his chest as he kept thrusting into you and you kept touching yourself in time.
“C’mon, baby. Yeah,” he encouraged, breathless as he continued to thrust into you, “Cum for me. I’m so fuckin’ close.”
“Oh, fuck,” you gasped as you felt that pleasure build up inside you, “Joel…”
Joel continued at the same pace, panting into your ear as he pushed into with a couple more good thrusts before you finally fell over that edge you were waiting for. You cried out, tensing as you tightened around his cock as your orgasm washed over you. You heard him moan, fucking you through your orgasm for a few more moments before he stilled inside you with a louder cry. You felt your walls clench around him as he came, your orgasm just starting to die down as he did so. You let out a few more whimpers and sighs, trying to catch your breath as Joel lay partially on top of you doing the same.
You felt his arms tighten around you somewhat, finally letting go of your leg that you dropped against the bed again with another hard breath. After a few more moments, he shifted to pull out of you as you managed to come back to your thoughts.
“You okay? No pain?” he asked, making you shake your head.
“The opposite, I think,” you muttered, letting out a small chuckle, “This was definitely not how I thought that conversation was gonna go.”
Joel let out a chuckle as he shifted closer to you, wrapping an arm around your middle as he pressed a kiss against your shoulder.
“Just stay,” he muttered, “Ellie’s already clued in.”
“That’s what you want?” you asked, turning your head to glance toward him as Joel nodded. “Well…I know there’s a few people at the other house who’d like to know I’m alive and well, along with getting a few things…but I guess I could.”
“Doesn’t have to be right away, just…you’re welcome here.”
Me wanting to write a fic about Joel and the reader getting together before the outbreak and the reader adjusting to him being a single father, getting to know Sarah, etc, only for everything to play out as it does and the reader spending years with him as they slowly realize they both are the shells of their former selves. Breaking apart, coming back together only to separate again, etc. All that good angsty stuff.
Also me struggling for two months to complete a one-shot.
Hey! I'm still kicking around, I just have had major writer's block combined with life being busy in general. I have a one-shot that's 80% complete (that's also a bit on the saucier side...) and I'd say I'll have that out by the weekend or early next week.
Thanks for sticking around. I get notifications from this blog all the time, and I feel guilty for not having new stuff for you guys 😅
Just a quick reminder that I do take requests on this blog if anybody's interested in that! I'm currently working on a one-shot, just slow because I'm wrapping up my university semester, but my inbox is open!
Pairing: Joel Miller x Fem!Reader, platonic bonding with Ellie.
Summary: Somehow, you managed to find Joel and Ellie ending their journey just as you were beginning your own. After being captured in David’s resort and witnessing the horrors within, Ellie manages to save your life as she escapes and you end up staying with them for the time being at Ellie’s offer. Yet, things aren’t as they seem, and you’re also not sure if her gruff guardian won’t murder you in your sleep.
Warnings: Some mild angst, Joel being hardheaded, mentions of death.
Note: A bit of a shorter chapter this week, as I’m up to my neck in coursework but I had this half finished and wanted to get it out. Plus, the next one would be hard to split into two parts. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy!
Tag list (to be added just leave me a comment!): @daddysfavoritesexkitten @faceache111
Previous Part.
“We’re gonna need to stop for the night.”
Despite the light sleep you had fallen into, Joel’s voice cut through that like a shot. It wasn’t like he was shouting or anything, but the sudden shift back into reality was jarring to say the least. You had curled up in the back with your head resting on the window once you had left the abandoned gas station a couple of hours ago, the dim interior of the truck telling you that you had at least fallen asleep for some of that time.
The scenery had changed, too. Less highway and more like a sort of suburb–the setting sun at least allowed you to see the boarded up houses, weeds and overgrowth crawling up walls and over the long abandoned cars that lined the street. Which made it a bit of a challenge to navigate, you could imagine. Really, you weren’t sure about stopping for the night in a neighborhood you hadn’t checked out yourself, as much as you knew Joel and Ellie could certainly defend themselves.
Considering your lack of a weapon–and not from you refusing one–it made you nervous.
“...I know how to drive,” you offered up, voice a little sleepy but your thoughts had certainly woken you up enough. “I’m pretty rested, if you want to avoid a stop.”
“Not happenin’,” Joel returned, causing you to press your lips together in a thin line, “I’ll also need to get more gas before we leave tomorrow and we should eat.”
“Well, you’re the one running the show,” you muttered, relenting in the moment.
You could understand why they (or, more likely, Joel) didn’t want you carrying a weapon, but it felt like you were being dragged along. If it had been a relaxed drive, no danger, you wouldn’t have much of an issue with that, yet things hadn’t been that way in a long time. For you, at least. You wanted to comment that leaving you unarmed and just following along was more of a liability than giving you something you could use to defend yourself. In the days following your escape it had been fine, but now you could feel a pressure building at how…open you were.
While you knew some self-defense techniques and how to throw a punch, you knew it wouldn’t do much against gunfire and some of the older infected.
It was a frustration that you carried with you while things got set up for the night in one of the abandoned houses. The place had been picked clean, furniture collecting dust and some with faded stains on them that didn’t make you want to touch them. Still, it was closed off and protected against the air outside that still had a bite to it. It was good enough for the night, at least.
Despite everything, exhaustion still hung pretty heavily on you–even with the nap you had taken in the truck. It was what had you backing down from confrontation and just getting some food into you so you could curl up and try to go back to sleep. Ellie and Joel talked between themselves for a bit, though Ellie still seemed closed off and had a look in her eyes that gave you a pang of sympathy for her.
Your offer to let her talk about everything that happened still stood, obviously, but you certainly didn’t want to push her into it.
Really, everything was still so new to you and the situation was draining you somewhat. So, you were pretty happy to try to get some rest once it had gotten late enough.
Yet, you couldn’t explain why you lay on the floor, head propped up by a relatively clean cushion, and stared at Joel’s silhouette as he sat at a table near a window. He leaned back in the chair somewhat and appeared to be holding his side, but otherwise just seemed to watch the dark street below. You rolled over with a small sigh, wrapping your arms around your torso as you tried to make the best of your uncomfortable position on the floor.
It had been easy for you to nod off in the car–the seats were at least comfortable and the rumble of the car helped ease you into a light sleep. This, however, was not really cutting it. Which had your mind wandering, mulling over a number of different things before settling back on the current issue of your frustration at feeling like you were useless in a tight situation.
You knew that if Joel was just going to sit at the window for however long that night, you could try to at least reason him into giving you a gun or something. If your presence on this journey was already annoying him, you figured you didn’t really have to worry about pushing his buttons all that much. Plus, you were trying to be cooperative and prove that you weren’t interested in betraying them, but you knew that the paranoia would just make things worse for everybody in the long run.
With another sigh, you pushed yourself up to a stand with somewhat shaky movements. You glanced over at Joel, who hadn’t moved if he had heard you get up.
Though, he did straighten up somewhat when you moved beyond the table somewhat to pull a chair over to it. The room was dark outside of the light of the moon, fortunately, but you managed to catch the look he tossed your way when you sat down.
“I’m not exactly looking for company,” he remarked lowly, likely to avoid waking Ellie. Though, knowing she had listened in on your conversation with him in the truck, you wouldn’t be surprised if she heard this one too.
“Well, I really wish I could sleep, but I really want to discuss something with you,” you replied, folding your arms on the table so you could lean on them somewhat. “I am really trying to prove that I’m not your enemy here.”
“Never claimed you were an enemy,” Joel said, “You being here is just a complication that we don’t need right now.”
“I don’t want to be a complication, either,” you said around a huff, “Yet, you seem fine with dragging me around like some prisoner. No weapons, not allowed to do anything. I feel like a sitting duck.”
“Door’s open. If you hate being with us so much, you’re free to leave.”
“Are you always this stubborn?”
Despite the darkness not letting you see his expression too clearly, that did earn you the hint of an amused look.
“I’ve been called that a few times,” he replied, shifting somewhat as he glanced toward the closed door. You still noticed him holding his side somewhat–an injury, perhaps. If it was new or old, you didn’t know.
“...I’m really trying to get you to trust me here,” you said after a few moments, letting out a small sigh through your nose. “Just a little. You don’t have to like me. I’ll probably be gone once you guys get to where you’re headed. Just, in the meantime…I’d really like to be able to protect myself a little if you won’t let me help with anything.”
“You don’t get my trust by just askin’ for it.”
“If you want me to earn it, you’ll have to let me try.”
“I don’t want anythin’ from you,” Joel said, making you lean back in your chair somewhat as you had to shove down some frustration that cropped up at his bullheadedness.
“Before the resort…” you started, tapping a hand on your leg a little in thought. “I’m not looking to give you some sob story, this isn’t that, but I’ve been on my own before. I lost a lot of people during the outbreak and in the years that followed–family, friends, my fiance. Anybody who’d look out for me was gone before I knew it. I…know what things are like out here and I know how to defend myself. I’m only decent at hand-to-hand, though. I know guns the best.”
Joel didn’t say anything for a few moments, that tightness still sitting in his expression. What little you could see of it currently, anyway.
“I know it’s a lot to ask…” you continued, “We’re strangers, I get it. However, if you really don’t want me to burden whatever it is you’re doing, giving me a means to protect myself is the best way to do that.”
It would help with your paranoia and anxiety, considering you never really knew who or what could be lurking behind any corner. As much as you wished that getting Joel to give you some leeway wasn’t such an uphill battle, you could understand it to a degree. The infected were dangerous, sure, but it was always the people you had to watch out for in the end.
There was only so much trust you could give strangers, these days.
Though, you couldn’t help but notice the way Joel seemed to regard you for a few moments, a slight shift in his expression before he let out a small breath and glanced out toward the street through the window again.
“We’re gonna need to get some gas tomorrow,” he continued, “some supplies, too. We still have a long drive ahead of us, so I wanted to see if there’s anything in the houses around here. I’ll…see about letting you help. It’ll get us out of here quicker.”
You couldn’t help the small grin that crossed your face, raising your hands somewhat in, what you hoped was, a good-hearted gesture.
“That’s all I’m asking for,” you said around a soft chuckle, getting up from the chair, “I’ll see you in the morning.”
***
The sleep you got was shit. That was expected, however.
You dragged that lingering exhaustion with you the following morning, though you were used to the feeling. Unfortunately. It was hard to tell when the last time you had a full night’s sleep, let alone in a good bed, but you knew anything was better than where you had just come from. Still, you were the last one to get up, knowing you were going to feel the ache of a long night sleeping on a hardwood floor.
You were…hopeful, however. It felt like you had made a couple steps forward with Joel, as much as you would hesitate to say you were particularly friendly with each other. Still, you just wanted to feel like you were doing something.
So, you were hopeful that he’d trust you enough to let you have something to defend yourself with. You hadn’t really been joking the night before when you said you felt like some sort of prisoner–no weapons, stay close-by so Joel could keep an eye on you, the suspicion at you attempting to offer a hand with anything. You weren’t planning on being best friends with the man, but you wanted to show that you weren’t looking to be a problem for him either.
At the same time, you could understand his hesitancy and you weren’t surprised to see it on his face once it seemed like they wanted to set out to dig around the neighborhood a bit that morning.
“There’s only so many bullets left in the clip, so make them count,” he said after a few moments, handing you a pistol with a sharp look in his eyes, “Don’t make me regret this.”
“...I wasn’t planning on it,” you replied in a mutter, weighing the weapon in your hands before watching as he approached Ellie.
It was almost night and day with how he treated you in comparison to her, considering the fondness in his tone, the concern that she brushed off with an eagerness to get back out on the road. You didn’t know what happened with them, but it was clear that they had bonded. You couldn’t exactly say you had made any close friends over the last handful of years (and then some, if you were being honest) but it was a strangely isolating experience. As much as you didn’t want to think about it too much, you knew that if David had succeeded, your death would have been easy to cover up.
Shaking your head, you let out a small breath as you headed toward the front door. Regardless of the awkwardness, it was still progress and at least you could feel somewhat better about being back out in the open again.
Tucking the gun away, you followed Joel and Ellie out into the street.
Pairing: Joel Miller x Fem!Reader.
Summary: After another argument, you and Joel finally iron some things out.
Warnings: Some angst, but it’s mostly fluff.
Note: This was originally a scene I ended up scrapping from my longer fic, but I figured with some editing it could be a fun stand-alone. So, here it is. lol
Tag list (My Joel fics in general. To be added just leave me a comment saying so!): @faceache111
The streets of Jackson were quiet at this time of night.
You could hear the odd distant voices or hum of a generator, but otherwise it just seemed that the only other sound was your footsteps. The string of lights above your head that lit up the otherwise dark street added to the peaceful feel of the place–it had been enough when you had first arrived to almost make you forget what the rest of the world outside was like. There were little reminders, moments where you knew things were very different from the world you had left over a decade ago, yet you felt safe. Inside the gates, that is.
All of those facts combined, however, didn’t leave you feeling all that content the current night. You wandered through the darkening town, hands in your pockets with your shoulders slumped. Exhaustion from the day weighed heavily on you, yet the embarrassment of what happened hours ago sat heavily on you.
Having arguments with Joel, even outright fights, wasn’t exactly uncommon. He was stubborn, closed-off, and even frustrating to deal with at points. Yet, it had felt like you had progressed beyond the hostilities a while ago, and there was…something. You didn’t know what. You had been quick to label it as a friendship a while ago, but there was a certain pull in you that wanted more than that. Sometimes it felt like that notion was returned, but neither of you wanted to actually push over that line.
Then there were nights like this. Anger, frustration. You wanted to believe that things were just said in the heat of the moment, but it was hard to tell sometimes.
Usually, things like that happened without the added eyes on you. That was what made the night different from others, and the reason that you had stormed off before Joel could have the last word and do the same. It was juvenile, giving into the childish need to shout and insult. Yet, the reality of the moment had been quick to sink in shortly after that line was crossed, and you gave into the urge to just get out of there. Fortunately, Joel let you leave without following out after you. Though, you imagined it probably took some restraint.
You were just…tired of this. The uncertainty, the pull and push of someone who didn’t know what he wanted. Yet…well, you knew it was unfair to put it all on Joel. You didn’t really know exactly what you wanted, either. There had been many nights where you had time to think about your relationship with him–to overthink and overlook things, too. If you were reading into things too much, or maybe you were missing a signal or something. You didn’t know.
Could just ask.
It really couldn’t be that simple, could it? You knew you hadn’t exactly been completely open about everything, to ask some hard and embarrassing questions. You had certainly asked a few hard questions throughout the time you had been with him–digging into his past, into yours. Yet, this was something you kept locked away behind your teeth. It was something to chew on, but you could never just spit the words out.
Maybe you just should.
With an exhale, you stopped as you knew you were presented with a choice. You could just head back to the place you were staying at, leaving the whole situation behind. Maybe you’d try distancing yourself–there were a lot of people in Jackson, a lot of things to do. It wouldn’t be hard to just foster some space from him, shift out a couple patrols and just…avoid.
Or, you could turn and head toward where you knew he and Ellie were staying. The last you had seen her, Ellie seemed interested in spending some time with some friends she was making and you knew she probably wouldn’t walk in on whatever conversation you’d have with Joel. At least, you would have to hope so. Still, it was an opportunity to just lay everything on the table, ask the questions you’ve been wanting to and just get a damn answer. Whatever it was, you would deal with it. It had to be better than just not knowing and not knowing how to proceed.
With another sigh, you shook your head lightly. The better choice was clear.
Gathering some courage, you turned and headed toward the house. You weren’t sure how he’d greet you when you showed up, but you were sick of things. There had been enough tension and butting heads, you figured you were owed a bit of an honest conversation that wasn’t close to a fully public argument. Still, you hadn’t been in a position like this in a long time–to have to put your heart out in front of someone and let them react to it in whatever way they needed to. It left you with a nervous twist in your gut, despite the determination. It was something that needed to be done, as much as you wished things like this could happen without you having to go about it like this.
The lights of the house were still on, which spurred you to approach his front door. Yet, you couldn’t help the hesitation when you lifted your hand to knock. With a quick exhale, you finally knocked a few times on the door and backed away, tucking your hands back into the pockets of your jacket.
In the moments after, a part of you born of anxiety and some sort of wounded pride, just wanted to bolt. Yet, you knew that was counterproductive and childish too. Upon hearing the dull thuds of him approaching the door, you knew the time for that had passed anyway.
Despite the anger that you both had left with, you were surprised to just see some mild surprise under the tightness of his expression once Joel had opened the door.
“Can I come in?” you asked around a small exhale, sounding more tired than you were expecting too.
“Yeah,” Joel replied shortly, stepping aside to let you slip by him before he shut the door behind you.
Jackson had a number of homes with old furniture in them–some sense of communal living, you supposed, though it seemed like Joel and Ellie had their own place unlike yourself. It wasn’t your first time inside the home, though never in such an awkward situation. Still, you moved around with some familiarity, trying to piece together what you wanted to say. You knew what you needed to say, just not exactly sure how to form the words.
So, it had your arms crossing, coming to a stop in the living room before you turned toward him again.
“Look…” you started around another small sigh, “I didn’t come here to continue to argue with you, but I shouldn’t have run off. That’s not how I handle conflicts, but…I just don’t understand what’s going on here. With us.”
“With us?” Joel asked, his expression tight, a little unreadable, but you could see the way his shoulders had slumped. It was a good sign, at least.
“Yeah, I…” you trailed off, dropping your arms to your sides as you let out a somewhat humorless huff, “I mean, you have to know that I’m interested in you after all this time. At least, I hope it won’t come as a surprise.”
Joel stared at you, taking you in for a few moments before he ran a hand over his mouth, nodding lightly. “It’s not.”
“I just…” you said, bowing your head for a few moments as you pressed your lips into a thin line to hold back the rush of emotion that sat in you. “I haven’t had a group in a long time. People I can trust–people I can genuinely say I care about and who…who care for me. Yet…I honestly don’t know what I’m going to get from you, Joel. Some days it feels like I really get to know you, that things are good and are progressing toward…something, and then you push me away so harshly and I’m just…left completely confused.”
Despite the situation, you could tell there was a bit of a weight lifted off of you at that moment. Finally, you said something about the trend in your relationship with him that you noticed. Still, you knew the conversation was far from over, you weren’t getting the icey dismissal that you had gotten earlier and you figured it was a chance to actually address this situation.
“Am I overthinking things?” you asked, “Seeing things that aren’t actually there? I just want an answer, even if it hurts me.”
“You’re not,” Joel replied simply after your questions lingered in the space between you both, “It’s me. I don’t know what I’m doin’. I’m not a good person, you know this, and I think you’d do a lot better with someone else. That’s why I shove you away when I catch myself thinking differently.”
“I can make my own choices, can’t I?” you asked, tilting your head.
“Yeah, it’s just…”
“I know what you mean,” you clarified, stepping a little closer to him, “I just haven’t really been thinking in the same way. Maybe in the beginning, when I didn’t really know you, but…being here with you and Ellie…I finally feel like maybe I can stay somewhere. With people I trust. I’ll–I’ll accept if you reject me, but being pulled back and forth like I have been is not good for me.”
“I wouldn’t have to keep pushing you away if I could actually reject you,” Joel said with almost a touch of humor in his tone, but you could tell it was a little bitter too. Some previous frustration, maybe? It’d make sense, considering how much you had been dealing with. “I thought you would get sick of me and leave, just make it easier. I guess this is the result I was waiting for, just…it’s a hell of a lot different than I was thinking.”
“I thought about it sometimes,” you admitted, “and I will if it continues. I accept that you can be a thorny asshole sometimes, but I can’t keep letting that happen.”
“Didn’t feel good doing that,” Joel said, “I’m sorry. For tonight, too.”
Throughout the last minute of your conversation, you noticed a shift in him. The familiar wall you had seen him put up time and time again was lowering, as you had seen it do from time to time. On uneventful patrols when moods were high, when you would sit in with him and Ellie when they’d pass a guitar back and forth. The side of him that Ellie poked you about when she’d catch the both of you one-on-one. You knew there was a lot of territory you both had to navigate about each other, but the idea that you wouldn’t have to deal with that being shut off from you again was enough to make you feel like you had made the right choice.
“You want to be with me?” you asked after a few moments, stepping closer to him and watching his expression carefully. While a part of you knew with what he admitted so far that feeling as nervous as you were was ridiculous, but you couldn’t help the way your heart was racing.
“If you’ll have me,” he replied with a small nod. You nodded, struggling to fight back the grin that appeared on your features at the relief that flooded into you.
Which was what had you accepting his hand cupping your cheek, his mouth pressing against yours.
It didn’t take you long to respond to the kiss, despite the small shock it gave you when it fully registered. It was firm at first, a message sent and received, but it shifted more into something natural after a few moments. You wrapped your arms around him as Joel pulled you in closer, nearly brushing your body against his. His beard lightly scratched against you as he deepened the kiss, but you didn’t particularly care as you moved a hand up into his hair.
You were taken a little off guard by how much a part of you had been craving this type of closeness with him. You were attracted to him, had wanted to impress him at first and then just wanted to be closer once you could consider him a friend. A part of you could understand his reluctance, you had played a similar game of tug-of-war with yourself about your developing feelings for him. So, to be in his arms currently like you were was something else. The relief was almost intoxicating, making you almost reluctant to pull back, even with a lightheadedness from the lack of air forced you to.
Finally, you parted from the kiss somewhat, but didn’t really separate. You found yourself resting your head against his shoulder as you tightened your arms around him in an embrace. Joel wrapped his arms around you in return, your hands tightening into the fabric of his shirt in return as if telling yourself that this really was happening.
“I forgive you,” you muttered into his shoulder, “I know it’s not easy for you.”
“I’m still sorry,” he said, voice low and right above your ear before you felt him press a kiss to the side of your head.
You shut your eyes, soaking in the moment for as long as you could. You knew Ellie would be back soon, and you didn’t know how she’d react to the sight before her. Yet, you also suspected that she might not be completely surprised either, but it was hard to say with her.
One thing you knew was that you finally felt like you could be at home with them, in Jackson, instead of being separate and alone for the first time in years.
Pairing: Joel Miller x Fem!Reader, platonic bonding with Ellie.
Summary: Somehow, you managed to find Joel and Ellie ending their journey just as you were beginning your own. After being captured in David’s resort and witnessing the horrors within, Ellie manages to save your life as she escapes and you end up staying with them for the time being at Ellie’s offer. Yet, things aren’t as they seem, and you’re also not sure if her gruff guardian won’t murder you in your sleep.
Warnings: Mentions of cannibalism, illusions toward SA. Please read at your own risk.
Note: Thank you all for the response to the first part of this! We have more character interactions this chapter, so I’m sorry if things are a little off. I’m still getting the hang of writing for this series.
Tag list (to be added just leave me a comment!): @daddysfavoritesexkitten
Previous Part.
As much as you wished that your current situation was just dealing with the awkwardness of being a third wheel, you knew it was more complicated than that.
Everything was now completely uncertain–where you were going to go, how long you were going to stay with Ellie and Joel, how comfortable you should get with the situation. You had agreed to leave when you came across more people, yet you had more self-preservation than to let yourself be dumped with a group you didn’t fully know. After what had just happened, that was a hard lesson learned.
Yet, it was clear you were an unwanted addition.
Ellie had offered to let you ride with them, and she had saved your life, so you supposed you could trust her more than Joel currently. She had withdrawn, however, and you could understand. You didn’t want to talk about everything, either, and that was just from your own viewpoint. It was easy enough to just give her the space she needed, and you certainly could understand not wanting to be pressed about anything.
However, you had questions. A number of them. Yet, the most pressing one was what she meant about being ‘infected.’ Whatever Ellie had on her arm had been enough to convince David and James to hesitate in cutting her up on that table. However…well, how the fuck do you even bring that up?
Joel didn’t help in making you feel confident in digging into anything going on with them. He made his displeasure about you coming with them pretty obvious, as much as you hadn’t given him much reason to put that into words just yet. You weren’t blind, however, and you gave the man a wide berth in the short time you were with them so far. Still…well, a part of you wanted to show that you could be more than just a silent bystander.
Still, you knew that you had to wait for the time and place. Being stubborn and pushing too much into uncertain situations had never gone well for you, especially considering the group of people you had just left.
This was a chance to get as far away from that place as you could. You didn’t want to ruin that chance.
So, you kept to yourself for the most part. Which worked fine, apparently, as Joel seemed more concerned about making sure Ellie was fine and ready to move on after everything. You weren’t sure exactly what their relationship was, but you figured it was a safe assumption to make that Joel was a parental figure or guardian. You supposed it was a better and more genuine dynamic than whatever David had been to your community. While you weren’t in a position to choose just who you ended up with after that whole mess, you could at least appreciate that.
Might make them a little more trustworthy, too, but you weren’t about to test that.
The first night you spent with them went smoothly enough, you supposed. You had managed to clean yourself a bit so you didn’t smell like a campfire and the exhaustion made sleep come easily enough, only talking when you needed to and kept your head down for the most part as they set out to find a working vehicle.
Once you were out on the road, however, you had a feeling that just keeping silent might not cut it.
Ellie had claimed the backseat for herself in order to catch up on some sleep, which left you to awkwardly sit in the passenger seat next to Joel. As much as you tried not to let it seem obvious, you tried to lean as far away from him as you could with your elbow propped up on the side of the door, resting your cheek on your hand as you watched the road ahead. Nothing for miles–fields, abandoned cars and creeping nature peeking out through the road in some places.
So, it wasn’t hard to miss when Joel seemed to check that Ellie was asleep in the back before speaking up, reluctantly pulling your attention to him.
“I’m gonna make somethin’ real clear,” he said, his voice low, the sternness and seriousness not exactly taking you by surprise as you glanced at him out of the corner of your eye. “First sign of trouble, that you’re not worth Ellie’s hospitality, I won’t hesitate to leave you behind or worse.”
You took a moment to digest that–again, you weren’t exactly surprised to hear that either. You had made plenty of assumptions about the two of them over the last day or so, but you had already assumed being on your best behavior would be in your best interest. Still, you couldn’t help but push down the urge to let out a huff.
“Actions speak louder than words,” you replied, “I had already assumed that, but–yes, I get it. I’m not looking to be an issue.”
“You bein’ here is enough of one,” Joel said, which made your brow furrow somewhat. You knew it was inconvenient, and it would be easy to distrust you because of where you had come from, but hadn’t expected that just being there was enough of an issue.
“Sorry,” you grumbled, taking a breath so you wouldn’t echo his tone and just make things worse, “...I really do appreciate this. Her. I’m genuinely not looking to be a problem.”
Joel didn’t reply to that, keeping his eyes on the road. His expression was hard to read, but you’d run into guys like him. Gruff, hardened, probably been on their own for too long. You always assumed they were people to avoid–too unpredictable. Yet, considering you couldn’t exactly do that in this situation, you just wanted to avoid giving him reason to act on his threat. Given how he carried himself, you figured he would make true on that, or he certainly did a good job at portraying that notion.
“I have a question,” you ventured after a few moments, despite your thoughts–it seemed obvious to ask anyway, in your opinion. “You two act more collected than people who are just wandering around. Where are you going?”
“We are goin’ to meet some people,” Joel replied, “Once we get there, you’re leavin’. Like you said.”
“Cryptic,” you replied a little dryly, “but alright.”
“It’s all you get to know, anyway.”
You were tempted to comment on the fact that you knew more than he probably thought, but–again, you were in close quarters with him and you didn’t want to set him off. It was something to talk about with Ellie, anyway, so you bit back the remark.
“Though, I have a question of my own,” Joel continued, “What was your group doin’?”
Despite the fact that things were already tense, you could feel your stomach drop as you fought back the urge to dismiss the question. You didn’t want to talk about it, but it was clear he didn’t fully know. You could only really tell your side–not only did you not fully know what Ellie went through when she escaped that room, but you didn’t think it was your place to tell it.
Still, given that he was transporting a stranger across the country, you figured it wasn’t an unreasonable question.
“Most of us were just looking to survive,” you started, letting out a heavy breath, “Others though? We ran into some issues with food, people were starving, and then suddenly…our leader started getting ‘lucky’ with hunting. I think only a few people knew what he was really doing, but…” You saw, for a moment, what he had done to the corpses of people that he had come across. “I’ll just say that he was doing some h-horrible fucking things and didn’t like me finding out when I wasn’t supposed to. They locked me up, were planning on killing me, and Ellie got captured and helped me escape.”
You knew what they were planning to do with you, but you left out what David wanted to do with Ellie. Really, the thought made you sick to think about and you hoped that was a good enough answer. Plus…well, you supposed that would save his sanity too, along with the fact that you didn’t want to dig any further than that at the moment.
Not with someone who had been threatening you, anyway.
Again, Joel didn’t reply to your explanation but given the look in his eyes, he seemed to clue into what you were hinting at. Which you were relieved about. You didn’t want to go into detail about anything you saw or the thoughts you had about the moments when you should have known something was off. You were disgusted with yourself over how some of that managed to slip by you, and for so long. Had you unknowingly…?
Mentally, you shook yourself as you felt your stomach twist again. Fuck. This was going to be a long journey.
***
You stilled in the doorway of the abandoned gas station, the obstacle that was in front of the door being loud enough that you knew if anything was in there, you would have to dart back outside.
Yet, it was quiet, you letting out a small breath in relief. It was clear it hadn’t been touched in a good while, shelves caked in dust and it looked like it had been picked clean of supplies a while ago. Still, you knew better than to dismiss that on a first look alone, considering you knew people could overlook things that you really need at the time. Though, you weren’t exactly sure what you were looking for.
Given that Joel was busy trying to siphon gas from a number of abandoned cars in the lot, you had offered to look inside the store itself to see if there was anything of value. It was better than just standing around. Still, you were unarmed. You could understand why it was better that you were, given the distrust you felt, in the moment it made you feel particularly vulnerable.
The shelves were empty, you looking over some turned over cardboard boxes and digging around in a couple drawers. You weren’t finding much–a couple scraps of things that might be useful to repurpose, but nothing that would help any of you in the immediate moment.
It had been years since you were on the road, yet doing this reminded you how dire some months had gotten. Though, you knew it could be worse.
“Hey–”
You immediately jumped at the familiar voice behind you, which made you back into the shelf behind you with a thud. Ellie stood nearby, raising her eyebrows at your reaction somewhat as you let out a heavy breath, shaking your head with an awkward chuckle.
“Shit–I shouldn’t have let you sneak up on me like that,” you replied, “But, uh, yeah. Hey. Everything okay?”
“Yeah. Almost good to go, I guess,” Ellie replied, looking you over a moment, “Though, given how jumpy you are, I’m thinking it was a good idea to not give you a weapon.”
“Apparently,” you said, waving a hand somewhat as you turned to dig around in another box.
Still nothing, really. How many gas stations were you going to find like this? Really, you figured it should be considered lucky that there was any gas to take from any of the cars around. Still, it seemed like they weren’t struggling at the moment, and it wasn’t like you were unfamiliar with having to go long periods without supplies. It was still disheartening and frustrating, however. If you were going to have to separate from them eventually, you might have to make the case that you should be able to keep some stuff for yourself.
If there was anything to be found, anyway.
“I heard your conversation with Joel in the truck,” Ellie said after a few moments, which made you raise back up to look over at her. “I guess…thanks for not telling him. About everything.”
“It’s not my place,” you replied, shrugging, “I’m going to be gone once you guys get to your destination, so I figured I would spare him some of the…details.”
“Yeah…” Ellie said with a small nod, shifting on her feet somewhat, “He’s not…that bad, by the way. Joel. I mean, he can be such an asshole. He used to treat me the same way, but he’ll grow on you.”
“I don’t know if we’ll get to that point,” you said with a soft chuckle, “I’m just a passenger, anyway.”
“Right.”
You took a breath in, a question sitting on your tongue. Many were, almost always. It wasn’t like anybody had been completely open with you about their journey or where they were even going. Still, you figured this was an opportunity to ask.
“Where we’re going…” you started, “Does this have something to do with you being infected?”
“I’m not infected,” Ellie returned quickly.
“Clearly,” you said, gesturing toward her with an arm, “You’re not some monster, so it’s clear you’re not. Yet, you apparently were convincing enough that to say so saved your life. I don’t mean to be…pushy, but I’d like to have some idea about what I’m walking into.”
Ellie regarded you in silence for a few moments, as if debating on continuing the conversation or not. If anything, she seemed a little frustrated, but eventually you watched as she tilted her head back in some small show of resignation. Walking a little closer, she started to roll up her sleeve.
“I’m not supposed to tell anybody, but you were there so…” she muttered, finally pulling her sleeve all the way up before presenting her arm to you.
She was…clearly bitten. Twice. You could see the outline of bites, the odd vein-like marks around the wounds. You had seen bites before, the ugly red infection before people would turn. Yet, Ellie’s wounds were clearly healed, looking more like scars than a recent injury. Yet…that wasn’t possible, was it?
“I was bitten a long time ago,” Ellie continued, your gaze lifting from her arm to meet her own, “I’m…immune, and the people Joel mentioned think they can make a cure. The whole reason I’m stuck with Joel was that he was supposed to get me to a hospital out west so they could do some tests.”
“I…honestly don’t know what to say,” you muttered.
“You don’t say anything,” Ellie stated, rolling down her sleeve again, “To anyone. I’m not even supposed to be telling you, but it makes no sense to not tell you when you were in that room with me.”
“Well…” you said around a small sigh, still not sure what to make of this development, “I guess if I’m supposed to leave when we get there, me knowing won’t really matter in the end. If they’re right.”
“Yeah,” Ellie said with a small nod, “Though, Joel’ll kill you if you tell him you know, so let me tell him about this. Just…thanks for not saying anything else to him.”
“Again, not my place,” you said, crossing your arms, “Though…if you need to talk…I mean, you saved my life, it’s the least I can do.”
“I’m fine,” Ellie stated–now that you really didn’t believe, considering how you were, but you didn’t press as she shouldered her bag again. “This place looks empty. We should go.”
