Joe Lycett: Blog @joelycettcomedy - Tumblr Blog

APPLE ARE PROMOTING iOS 9 USING A WOMAN HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN

As with all Apple product launches a scintillating page has been set up on their website to promote the exciting features on their new mobile operating system iOS 9. Improved notes, split screen and an updated Siri are just some of the features demonstrated via crisp, hi-res images of iPhones and iPads.

However, when you look at the page properly something deeply troubling emerges. Apple have photographed the iPhone and iPad of a person called Eden Sears and there is something very, very wrong with her.

At first glance you could be forgiven for thinking everything is alright in Eden’s life. It’s 9:41am and she has full reception, WiFi, 100% battery, she’s nearby to food, drink, shopping AND fun and her friends Nisha, David, Erin and Steve all seem like healthy, happy people. Surely everything is rosy for Eden? Wrong.

Another shot of Eden’s phone begins to tell a different story:

It’s a text exchange with Jeanne reminiscing about a trip to the park on Saturday. Eden laments that she didn’t win a ‘single hand’ playing cards. Jeanne then stabs and twists: ‘Probably because we could see your cards reflected in your sunglasses.’ ’Seriously?’ replies Eden.

By all measures, Jeanne and everyone else playing cards on Saturday are a bunch of fucking twats. By all means play a little trick on Eden but tell her then and there. Don’t wait till days later to send her a smug text and picture of you relishing being twats. Jeanne doesn’t even mention it when she sends the picture of the card game; Eden has to remind her that she didn’t win a single hand and only then does Jeanne spill the beans. Then, adding insult to injury, she doesn't even bother to reply! Not even three dots showing an attempt. Jeanne is a prick and if she was my mate she would’ve been binned off months ago.

Over to Eden’s iPad now, which shows a complex personality and a troubled history:

One thing is clear: Eden is hyper-productive. It’s 9:41am and she has already read at least seven emails, watched an episode of Last Week Tonight with John Oliver and endured that taunting text exchange with Jeanne. She lingers on an email from Sarah Castelblanco with the subject ‘Not the same without you.’ It reveals she left a job where she worked in an ‘old cube’ and was known for having an ‘endless supply of office gossip.’ Eden is bitchy, but loveable. Sarah then proceeds to slag off a guy called Larry for having ‘terrible taste in music’. Give Larry a break Sarah, he works in an a fucking cube.

The latest email shows another of Eden’s so called friends, Lauren Bosak, laying on some serious guilt:

It starts with, ‘Hi Eden’ and then straight into, ‘I really wish you could have been at Eric’s housewarming party.’ Not the usual ‘how are you’ or ‘hope you’re enjoying the weather’. Just straight in - she really wanted Eden at Eric’s housewarming party. She’s even added attachments, presumably of Eric’s rooftop party, to show her what she’s missed. Interestingly, no email from Eric. He was probably chilled out about it. But Eden let Lauren down big time. Shit off, Lauren.

As if that wasn’t enough to deal with Paul Hikiji is going to miss tomorrow’s volleyball.

Start pulling your fucking weight, Paul.

If I’d been bombarded with all that stress, disappointment and guilt before 10am, I’d be straight back in bed. But not Eden. She’s organising Carson’s birthday party.

She’s got a lot on her plate. Sure, she’s called the party supply store about the balloons but she’s still not sent out the invitations OR chosen the cupcake flavours (she spells it flavors because either she’s american or too busy for the letter ‘u’). And is that all? Oh no, she’s remodelling the kitchen.

She wants a modern kitchen, stainless steel, clean. She wants to forget about the mess in her life with a wipe-clean kitchen. She’s got to make it work in a ‘small space’. She’s claustrophobic. She feels trapped.

With all that’s going on in Eden’s life, she’s developed a coping mechanism.

She’s overspending. There’s an 'American Express' card, a ‘CapitalOne' card and a 'Discover it' card. That is a total of THREE credit cards. One credit card is OK, two is a worry, three is a full blown problem. Note too that she has a $54.06 balance at Dunkin Donuts. That’s a lot of cash to have on a Dunkin Donut card. How many donuts are you eating, Eden? Plus 300 points on a ‘mycokerewards’ card. Who even has a mycokerewards card? Someone on a serious downward spiral, that’s who.

She’s overeating, she’s got mammoth debts and still she's spending on new kitchens and posh cupcakes for Carson’s birthday. I bet Carson is a dick to her and all. And don’t forget, she’s still got to explain why she wasn’t at Eric’s rooftop party. And deal with Jeanne’s spineless taunts. What a clusterfuck of a day.

So who even is Eden Sears? Well, I googled her and this LinkedIn profile came up.

Apple have taken photographs of the iPhone and iPad of their own marketing director! Not only that but they’ve completely exploited her to promote iOS 9 with no regard whatsoever for the fact that she is clearly about to have a nervous breakdown. What kind of pitiful organisation does that to one of its employees? Shame on you Apple. Taylor Swift was right.

But there is perhaps hope for Eden, to be found in one little email nestled at the bottom of her inbox.

Much of it is cut off so we’ll never know the true content but Kelly Robinson’s subject heading is clear: ‘Lost and found’. That’s a profound subject heading at 8:06AM. What could it mean? I have a theory. I live in hope that Kelly has spotted the truth: Eden is lost. And maybe, with Kelly’s help, she can be found.

If you are lost you may find solace at one of my live dates at joelycettcomedy.co.uk/live

I replied to a Facebook scam so you don’t have to

I was recently contacted on Facebook by a chap called Willy Ni who kept badgering me about money he had for me from Mark Zuckerberg. I had a spare afternoon and a bottle of wine so decided to see how far down the rabbit hole I could go. The results are below. I got on my high horse at the end which makes me cringe a bit, so forgive me. And please forgive the slightly clunky chopping together of screenshots.

NB The telephone number provided is supposedly for Buckingham Palace and I’ve blocked out the email as I gave a real one incase he wanted to play further.

northernpasty

joelycettcomedy

Oh cool

In Response To Christopher Biggins

I never thought I’d say this but today I am livid with Christopher Biggins. Don’t get me wrong I quite like him normally: he wears a beige jacket well and he was kind about my stand-up on twitter after he saw me supporting Jack Whitehall once. But in an interview with The Big Issue this week he said this: ‘I think the people who fear homosexuality most are the ones who could be gay. The world is full of bisexuals because that’s the way they want to do it. What do they do? They ruin a woman’s life.’

This is a textbook example of something I encounter basically every week (and largely from within the LGBT community itself) which is unapologetic and blatant biphobia. Shame on Biggins and shame on The Big Issue for publishing it.

Before I begin unpacking what he’s said may I point out that I am so, so tired of writing about this and defending myself and I would really rather be writing gags about my cock and balls. But life is unfair.

Biphobia is really no different to homophobia in that it is discrimination of another person based solely on their sexual orientation. The common criticisms of bisexuals are eerily identical to those used against homosexuals. They include: that it doesn’t exist, that it is a choice, that it is damaging to others, that it is curable. Look back at that Biggins quote. He uses every single one of these.

There are many prominent homophobes. We are wrong to think we’ve solved it, in the same way that we are wrong to think that women are now equal and that Mrs Brown’s Boys is a good television programme. Homophobic and sexist views are quite rightly seen as unacceptable. Yet I tell someone at a party that I’m bisexual and they are unflinching when they ask me if that’s actually thing, or sigh and tell me to just ‘pick a side’ or even just blurt out the word ‘greedy’ and then laugh at their brilliant observation. I am glad to say I am patient and polite with these people even though I would really rather they fuck off and read a book.

I don’t think Biggins is a bad man. I think he’s made a fundamental error. He’s confused gay men who are in denial with bisexual men. There are plenty of gay men who would really rather not come out for a multitude of reasons and force themselves to like heterosexual relationships. Often both the lives in these shams are ruined. If Biggins has an issue with this he should direct his ire not at these trapped and vulnerable men but at the society that forced them into it in the first place.

On the flip side, most of the relationships I’ve had have been with women and without exception all of their lives have been ruined. So maybe he’s right. Or maybe I just need to stop suggesting we use a strap-on whilst watching ‘An Evening With John Barrowman’.

You can read Christopher’s comments in Attitude here: http://attitude.co.uk/christopher-biggins-bisexuals-ruin-lives/

You can read more about biphobia at Stonewall here: http://www.stonewall.org.uk/at_home/sexual_orientation_faqs/2696.asp

The Hippodrome Casino & the Army of Dwarves

Those of you that are at all aware of my work will know that I make a habit of wasting the time of companies and institutions by raising pointless issues and complaints. I have contacted Phones4u posing as an English Professor pointing out the error in their spelling and instructing them to rebrand under the properly spelt ‘Phones For You’, I contested a parking fine I received on Christmas Eve from Birmingham City Council by offering them a bottle of brandy in lieu of payment and I nearly managed to sell a story to the Sun newspaper about Matt Baker from the One Show kicking a pigeon.

But one letter I sent to the Hippodrome Casino in London has created the most remarkable response. Here’s the original:

TO THE MANAGER

I recently visited your casino and found it to be a shoddy establishment with an ugly interior and uglier patrons. What's more, my wife was left in the cold as she was deemed unfit for your premises and I was robbed by the house.

I was and am so furious about my treatment in your casino that I am considering spending some of my considerable wealth on annoying you. I recently inherited hundreds of millions of pounds from my uncle who passed away recently and who invented a unique and ubiquitous type of bottle cap. I find wealth to be unappealing and I am a petty man with a lot of spare time, so think rather than waste my uncle's money IN your casino feel that waste it IRRITATING your casino may be preferable.

Some ways I may annoy you:

- Employ hundreds of dwarves to stand outside your doors shouting 'we used to be tall before we gambled in this casino'.

- Release a van full of cats with gastroenteritis induced diarrhoea onto your doorstep.

- Purchase neighbouring properties and turn them into casinos where the house always loses.

- Employ undercover people to enter your casino and release swarms of locusts at regular intervals.

- Bribe government officials to persuade them to change gambling laws that will put you and your horrid premises out of business.

I should make it clear that I am not threatening to do this I am just making it clear that, should I wish, I could do this. An apology from you may rectify the matter completely.

Regards,

Paul W

An edited version of this email appeared in my Edinburgh show this year, If Joe Lycett Then You Should’ve Put A Ring On It. The sender is Paul Wenbridge, an alias I created to maintain anonymity. This, as with all my emails, was not a random attack but carefully constructed towards a company that I felt had done me wrong - earlier that week I had visited and they were properly horrible to my friend and something dodgy went on at a blackjack table with a missing chip. About a week later I received this fantastic reply:

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your letter concerning your experiences at The Hippodrome Casino. We have only been open 9 months and whilst already the busiest and most popular casino in the country, we appreciate any feedback, good or bad, recognising that there are bound to be areas that we can improve on.

Firstly your comments on the building. Many people love the exterior and it is said to be one of the finest buildings designed by Frank Matcham over 100 years ago, but in any case it is listed so we are limited in what we can do to it. As to our patrons, we are proud of all our customers, 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder'.

Secondly you say your wife was left out in the cold when you visited. Our sincere apologies for this. We shall immediately look to create a suitable refuge outside The Hippodrome for your wife on your next visit.

With regards to the numerous punishments that you have lined up for us and the use of your enormous wealth to carry them out:

The dwarves: Perhaps a little bad taste given the history of dwarves in the building. As you may know when The Hippodrome opened over 100 years ago, it was an indoor circus with a large water tank in the middle of the ground floors. They had show’s with elephants swimming in the tank, and other shows with dwarves high diving from the Minstrels gallery 60 ft above the water tank. All went well until they tried to combine the shows and the rest is history, certainly for 2 of the dwarves anyway. But in any case if you get an army of dwarves we would have no choice but to get our own army of dwarfs to combat them and we could have a ‘small’ battle in Cranbourne St.

The cats; please don’t, we have only just got rid of the last lot.

The neighbouring property route. We like this idea, so please go ahead; it will give customers more money to come and enjoy themselves with at The Hippodrome which is by far the best property in the area.

Your locusts: It makes us smile just thinking about the poor chaps coming in with a swarm of locusts under their coats. It could be a tad uncomfortable for them.

Government officials: Any chance of getting the government officials to carry the locusts in? It would make us smile even more.

So in short we would dread to think of you carrying out any of your ingenious plots, so naturally unreservedly apologise for any offence caused, knowingly or unknowingly. Please do introduce yourself on your next visit (with or without wife); we will make sure you are well looked after and will happily buy you a drink for the pleasure you have given us.

Yours sincerely,

Paul Mettam

I was properly impressed with this reply, which I actually received whilst on stage and read out directly to the audience. It made me laugh loads and I was happy to leave it there. I’d got a nice bit of stand up material out of it and they clearly had a sense of humour about the matter.

Months went by and I thought nothing of it, until last week when a couple of people on twitter sent me this advert from the Metro newspaper:

You read correctly. The Hippodrome Casino is literally hiring an army of dwarves.

Here it is reported in the London Evening Standard. http://www.standard.co.uk/news/london/hippodrome-casino-to-hire-door-dwarfs-to-create-team-of-britains-smallest-bouncers-8950947.html

Of course I cannot prove that my email has triggered this in any way; the article mentions the owner Simon Thomas but nothing of Paul Mettam. Are they playing me at my own game? Are they calling my bluff? Or is this just a coincidence?

Regardless, they’ve made their move and the ball is now in my court. So my alias Paul Wenbridge just sent this email to Paul Mettam:

GAME ON, MR METTAM. GAME ON.

I'm on tour. Tickets and details at joelycettcomedy.co.uk/live

My thoughs on Bi Visibility Day

I am a reluctant ambassador for bisexuals; our experiences are vast and unique to each individual and thus I never felt like an authority on anyone but myself. But I discovered there are common problems (and delights of course) that we all share. Plus, my insistence in mentioning it in my stand up has directed both bisexual people and those interested to engage with me on the matter. For me bisexuality is a beautiful and endlessly confusing state of being. Like all life. The word itself is unhelpful really - the duality it suggests it too simplistic an explanation of what is. For me it is an appreciation of the profound nuances of sexuality, how eroticism is often found in the most unusual and ridiculous places, how it is influenced by the weather, the location and often by how tired I am. I don't understand it. It does not make me promiscuous, it does not make me a sex addict. It is merely who I am attracted to. And I am often embarrassed by the clunkiness of it, how clichéd one's attractions can be when faced with a girl in a short skirt or a boy in a short skirt. It's humbling that however sophisticated you can become in your work and social life, you can still be stirred sexually by the simple flash of a bit of nip. Try explaining all that to someone who asks, 'yeah but aren't you just gay and in denial?' For this is the prevailing issue of the bisexual. Denial. The denial of our own sexuality. The denial of others (often in the gay community, sadly) to engage with you without first challenging your existence. I am as tired today at the laziness of 'it's a phase' as the first time I heard it and yet still people say it. The baffling thing is that it so often comes from gay men. It was not so long ago that bisexuals were denied (that word again) entry into gay clubs in the UK, not trusted that the straight side of them might pop out and cause a ruckus. Presumably a bisexual punching gays will have to at least give themselves a light slap. The curious thing here is the assumption that I've just not come out fully inadvertently reinforces one of the most tedious criticisms of any non-hetero sexuality - that we somehow have a choice in the matter. Maybe people get annoyed at us bisexuals because we were consulted more about it than anyone else? The truth of the it is that we are just like everybody else I'm afraid. We had no say. Yet consistently the B in LGBT is denied and ignored, not just by the larger community but by the organisations that use the label themselves. And as a result often by bisexual people themselves who deny a whole side of them because it's just easier to stay gay or straight. That is why bi-visibility day is important. We're here. We exist. And we'll bang who we like. Oh also I'm on tour - joelycettcomedy.co.uk/live

Some sporadic thoughts on Syria

Some sporadic thoughts on Syria:

Firstly, and obviously, it is really bad that chemical weapons have been used. We should make it very clear in whichever way possible that this is not acceptable.

Also, I am horribly uninformed. I believe that to truly judge someone's actions one must take into account the entire history of the universe. Thus no one cannot make a reliable judgement on anything. I appreciate that this is not a useful way to run a justice system but in this instance I personally know so little about the area and the regime that I cannot possibly be close to making a reasonable decision. I don't think I am in the minority on this.

My dislike of David Cameron and the actions of Tory party is definitely clouding my judgement and a part of me, pathetically, is delighted that he has been defied and been made to look like a fool. I am both pleased at hiS embarrassment and horrified at my own capacity for schadenfreude.

I heard that two thirds of British people are against the idea of military retaliation for Assad and Syria. This is allegedly due to the fact that the perceived result of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars is that they did little or nothing to stabilise the area and that the reasons we had towards going to war were inaccurate or incomplete. So a bloody mess and we weren't thanked for it. This seems to be history repeating itself in that the British and US governments seemed to have decided the outcome of the UN inspection in advance, namely that Assad has chemically attacked his own people.

It's interesting and troubling to think that if the UN report came back saying Assad definitely hadn't attacked his own people with chemical weapons that, for a moment, Obama and the White House would be disappointed. Think about the ludicrousness of that for a moment.

I am uncomfortable with the notion that one should do something for one's country. To my mind, countries are useless constructs, archaic and arbitrary divisions of land that have little bearing on anything and create more problems than they're worth. However, I also believe that the way that things are in this country are preferable to the way they are in Syria and so I am glad that I am here and not there, thus understanding that I am a both a hypocrite and an idealist. I benefit from those that fight for my country and my way of life but I also believe that fundamentally we should all fight for one another to be happy and comfortable, despite the fact that that will never happen in the current global climate.

There has also been suggested the idea that the forces against Assad, largely controlled by Al-Qaeda, have used chemical weapons tactically because they know that a) Assad is largely winning and b) that the west's response will be predictably to retaliate. So this presents a danger that we are ultimately helping an enemy.

I think the point I'm getting at is that I am reading so many fervent opinions on both sides (mainly from awful Michael Gove's awful wife) and I am not seeing honesty from anyone which is that no one really knows what the right thing is to do and that we are just trying to make the best of an impossible situation. Loads of people have taken a stance and stuck with it and haven't acknowledged that they aren't 100% sure either way. There may be some solace in knowing that there is no right or wrong way to go.

It may not surprise you that I'm bisexual, middle class and live half in Birmingham and half in London so I sit on the fence in pretty much every way you can imagine.

The Sun and Matt Baker kicking a pigeon

This post has been removed. You can watch it as part of the below show.

Always a pleasure

Posted from: City of Edinburgh EH8 9AL, UK

One of the things I did during Edinburgh 2012 is take photos of myself with various people where we look really unhappy to see each other, sometimes tweeting them saying 'Always a pleasure to see [name of person].' They have inadvertently served as a lovely reminder of some great times I've had over the month. Here is the full compilation of photos - some of them are famiiar faces, some of them are less familiar, some of them are just chums of mine.

NB: There is one of Leon from Spank! that I couldn't put up cause he has his knob out, but that's the only ommission.

Ahir Shah

Ben Clarke

Celia Pacquola

Corrie McGuire

Daniel Sloss

Eleanor Thom

Frisky and Mannish

Hanks and Conran

Jessie Cave and Alex Edelman

From left to right (Adrian Percival, Charlie Briggs, Megan Dunsby, Me, Lauren Hennessy, Kelly Piercy, Megan Pugh)

Lee Cormack

Lloyd Langford

Matthew Crosby

Phil Jupitus dressed as a viking

Rhod Gilbert

Roy Walker

Sarah Millican

Scott Mills

Steve Bennett and Corry Shaw

Susan Calman

Tony Law

Josh Cole

Josh Widdicombe

Judi Stafford

Alfie Brown

Arthur Smith

#JustMigrated

Radio 1 interview

Just a heads up that I'll be popping in to BBC Radio 1 on Wednesday to chat to Huw Stephens from 10pmish about comedy as part of their 'Fresh Off Stage' feature. Details here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b01kngh7 Get it locked in, kids!

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Old Tales LIVE!

So the niche stories I've been sending my friend became a character act recently, by the name of Jack Daniels. Those that have enjoyed the stories thus far may enjoy hearing them in front of a small audience, with added silly noises. Those who don't get it probably still won't get it. Such is the nature of life.

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Waitrose Sausage Rolls

Here's an email I just sent to Waitrose regarding their disappointing sausage rolls made with pork and bramley apple.

Dear Mr Waitrose,

I am an avid Waitrose supporter and very much enjoy shopping in your stores. I have a store close to my home (Waitrose Hall Green) but also do a lot of driving and have started shopping for driving snacks at your stores at select motorway service stations.

On a recent trip to one such store I was delighted to see on sale a pack of two pork and bramley apple sausage rolls. I am a big fan of sausages with bramley apple (they make a quite delicious toad in the hole) and enjoy things in pairs, so I thought that this was, quite frankly, a stroke of pure genius. I purchased a packet immediately and ran back to the car with the excitement of a child on Christmas morning.

But, like most Christmases, the excitement was short-lived.

The sausage was, as expected, delicious. The addition of the bramley apple remains a sensation and you should be applauded for this. I am applauding you currently in my conservatory. But the pastry. What a travesty! Putting aside the grotesque volume of pastry, it was impossibly dry, spoiling what should have been a pleasant and moist experience. I am aware we are in drought, but this is too far. Ginsters have nothing as promising in concept as your idea, but their execution is far superior.

I have some suggestions: 1) Reduce the amount of pastry considerably. There should be substantially more sausage than roll. 2) Improve the recipe of your pastry. More moisture is required. 3) On completing suggestions 1 & 2, take a week off and watch the money roll in!

I hope you can implement these improvements. Trust me, you won't look back! If you don't implement them, I cannot promise that I will not start up a rival company specialising in bramley apple sausage rolls, although this is very unlikely as I am not a good businessman, my passion for this topic extends about as far as this email and I am already quite busy.

Have an absolutely smashing day!

Regards, Joe Lycett

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More Old Tales

I'm still been sending my friend Ed silly recordings on a semi-regular basis because they make me happy. They've got slightly more ridiculous. Here are some more. They're all 30 seconds long or less and are entirely fictional. (You can find the original recordings here.)

THE TALE OF WILLY POOPOO

thetaleofwillypoopoo.wav Listen on Posterous

THE TALE OF TOMMY 'TINYHANDS' TROT

thetaleoftommytinyhandstrot.wav Listen on Posterous

THE TALE OF PETER CRICKET

thetaleofpetercricket.wav Listen on Posterous

THE TALE OF JEBEDIAH PIP

thetaleofjebediahpip.wav Listen on Posterous

THE TALE OF FANNY PORRIDGE

thetaleoffannyporridge.wav Listen on Posterous

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Two Short Clips from the Hammerschmit Apollo

I recently had the honour & priveledge of supporting Jack Whitehall at the filming of his first DVD at the Hammersmith Apollo in fashionable London. The kind people at 4DVD also recorded my set and here are a couple of short clips from that.

The first clip is from when I got on the stage and had the ludicrous idea of getting 4000 people to recreate an old Kellogs Fruit & Fibre advert and the second is a bit of proper material with jokes and that.

These are both copyright me so don't copy them or I'll smash your face in.

BYE BYE FOR A LITTLE BIT EVERYONE

Download Video:

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Old Tales

For no good reason I've been sending my friend Ed (who is directing my Edinburgh show) one of these every day for the last week. I think just to irritate him more than anything. Anyway, they're all only 30 seconds long and you may find some pleasure in them.

THE TALE OF MICKY BLUEFINGERS

thetaleofmickybluefingers.wav Listen on Posterous

THE TALE OF JOHNNY 'TWINKLETOES' FOLLIT

thetaleofjohnnytwinkletoesfollit.wav Listen on Posterous

THE TALE OF JIMMY CRACK

thetaleofjimmycrack.wav Listen on Posterous

THE TALE OF BOBBY PIPES

thetaleofbobbypipes.wav Listen on Posterous

THE TALE OF BERTIE BRUSH

thetaleofbertiebrush.wav Listen on Posterous

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Christmas Eve Parking Ticket UPDATE

Some of you may have read my post over the Christmas period about my challenge to Birmingham City Council about a parking ticket I received on Christmas Eve (you can read the original here). I was expecting a reply within 14 days and it is now 17 days, so I have sent them a little reminder.

To whom it remains a concern,

I was wondering if a decision had been made regarding my challenge of parking ticket PCN number BM76258162 on the grounds that it shows a flagrant disregard for Christmas cheer? I was expecting a response within 14 days and it is now 17 days since I contested the fine. I have been suffering with sleepless nights worrying about it. The lack of closure is making this whole thing unendurable.

Also, as you did not accept my offer of a bottle of sherry it has now been reduced to the half bottle of sherry as mentioned. In fact, it is more like a third of a bottle as mother had a bit too on account of her finishing both the whiskey and the gin. You'll be pleased to know she very much enjoyed the novelty chocolates (Cocklates) even though they are tainted with the metaphorical blood of a maimed Christmas.

Regards,

Joe Lycett

#JustMigrated

Christmas Eve parking ticket

Today I received a parking ticket in Birmingham City Centre from the council as I thought it was a bank holiday. It is £50, reduced to £25 if I pay it within 14 days. I've decided to challenge the ticket to waste their time as much as anything else. Below is what I have sent them.

To who it may concern,

I am writing to you to dispute parking ticket PCN number BM76258162 and explain my reasons for this.

I parked my car on Edmund Street in Birmingham's City Centre around lunchtime on 24th December 2011. You may be more familiar with this date's more popular name, Christmas Eve.

I was in the city centre buying gifts for my ageing parents (my father is 62 and my mother is 62, between them they have over 123 years of life experience). For my father I bought 500 Benson & Hedges cigarettes and for my mother a copy of 'Paddy McGuiness: Saturday Night Live' as well as some novelty chocolates in the shape of male genitalia (aptly named 'Cocklates'). I then enjoyed a stroll down Birmingham High Street where I made a considerable donation to a gentleman selling Big Issues (a donation of £2).

When I returned to my car, you can imagine my surprise and disappointment to find a parking ticket was affixed to the windscreen! On Christmas eve of all days!

I therefore challenge this parking ticket on the grounds that it displays a FLAGRANT DISREGARD FOR CHRISTMAS CHEER. I have purchased a bottle of Morrison's own brand sherry which I intend to forward to the Civil Enforcement Officer BM910 to get him started (if he fails to accept this within 14 days then it will be reduced to half a bottle of Morrison's own brand sherry). I trust that this will be payment enough for what I consider to be a now COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY RUINED CHRISTMAS AND YEAR.

Please may you provide an address where I can send the sherry.

Yours whatever,

Joe Lycett

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