Mindful- Self-compassion

A blog about learning self compassion to deal with self hate and our self critic.

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When we are self-critical we have difficult feelings, but what actually are feelings?

The last post considered self-esteem.   The research now shows that self-compassion, being kind to yourself, is a surer fire method to improve you’re your own mental health (Neff, Rude, & Kirkpatrick, 2007) and reach your goals.  So exactly what are the components of self-compassion and secondly, really, isn’t all a bit difficult to be swanning around being self compassionate or self kind?  I guess we all may have some ideas about what self compassion is so in this blog I will look at some of the components of self-compassion, exactly what a feeling is and one or two common myths about it.

There are three components of self-compassion in Neff’s 2003 definition and I tend to think of them in a certain order:

Mindfulness that we are currently in emotional or physical pain, that we have some suffering.

Awareness that everyone has these types of things happen, it is part of our common humanity.

To bring a deliberate act of self kindness to ourselves in a constructive and non-harming way.

We end up bring ourselves directly to our suffering and this is very different from the way we mostly try and deal with suffering.  Everyone I do this with in my office to date has  been surprised – when we do an exercise to come directly to our suffering, it dissipates, at least a bit, and we find we do not need to be so scared of it.  However, most people stay away from the physicality of their feelings and stay with their thoughts.  This is problematic as thoughts will circulate and very soon you can have stories circling you attacking this and that like flies converging of a piece of meat.  With these thoughts we will often not say anything about them and the three pillars of low self- esteem start to act – secrecy, silence and self-judgement.  We will talk about thoughts more in another blog.  In the end most people get trapped in their thoughts or distract themselves by drinking, eating, having sex or look at and / or shopping.  Many people it seems these days will also try and improve their personal appearance as way to distract themselves (and they do that by using comparisons).

However, many people do not know the difference between a feeling and thought.  I almost think we need an extra step in there amongst the three points above that says “work with your physical sensations, not your thoughts.  A feeling of suffering will have some sensation in the body, usually in the form the hips and above.   If your suffering is words, then it mostly it is in your mind.  When you have miserable thoughts you need to find out what your related feelings are, and feelings are sensations in the body.   Generally, according to Bruno Cayoun (Cayoun, 2011) at the University of Tasmania, there are four types of sensations associated with feelings – constriction or tightness, temperature, weight or movement.  It can take a bit of time to re-learn how to come back to our feelings rather than be carried away with our thoughts. 

However once we come to the feeling in our body directly it can feel terrible but we quickly learn it doesn’t hang around if we let go the thoughts.   At this early stage we need though some way to keep our selves feeling calm and / or safe.  Do this exercise now!   Wherever you are, take a mild (i.e. not deep) breath and let it out very SLOWLY, saying the word ‘relax’.  Say it calmly, soothing yourself.

  Check: Breathe through your nose; use your stomach, your diaphragm – not your chest.

    Breath in 1 – 3, (1,.. 2, .. 3)

HOLD (1 second)

Breath out counting slowly to 5. (1.., 2.., 3.., 4.., 5..,)

  Then repeat breathing cycle until you gain a sense of calmness. 

  In practicing do this for two to three minutes.

  This is centred breathing and will help return you to a state of safe calmness – the out breath is always longer than the in-breath.

Some myths:

Self-compassion is for wimps

“Grow up!” will often be said to boys or pull yourself up by your bootstraps!

Our community will more than not reward “toughing it out” behaviour.  I remember as a child in year 2 I will be the one who would get smacked with the ruler first in class as I didn’t cry.  The teacher would speak proudly about that to the other boys saying things like “You have to be able to take your punishment”   things out more than it does being kind and nurturing to yourself.

Overall we are not kind to ourselves and our community does not teach us how to be kind or how to nurture ourselves.  Subtly and not so subtly it teaches us to have a co-dependence on the perceived and actual comparison to other people, and this will tend to get us to constantly be worried about approval.   

The truth is that the strongest people are also the ones who can buck cultural norms and feel genuine compassion for themselves and their circumstances.  This means they are not so dependent on others for approval, they have real choice.

I won’t be motivated if I don’t criticize myself.

You, and I, might actually believe that we need that inner critic to keep us motivated in life; that without it, we too easily stray outside the box.  It is also possible that the critic also evolved to help keep us safe from harm.

But in today’s society we simply don’t need it anymore. Being compassionate with ourselves allows for a much healthier, kinder motivation.

As Kristin Neff notes “While the motivational power of self-criticism comes from fear of self-punishment, the motivational power of self-compassion comes from the desire to be healthy, to reduce our suffering.”

References

Cayoun, Bruno. (2011). Mindfulness Integrated CBT: Principles And Practice. Australia: Wiley-Blackwell.

Neff, K. D., Kirkpatrick, K., & Rude, S. S. (2007). Self-compassion and its link to adaptive psychological functioning. Journal of Research in Personality, 41, 139-154. 

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Self-esteem - is it as good as we think?

Self-esteem has been a popular item in our culture for many years.  Many therapists were heavily involved with it yet overall the attempts to improve self esteem have not worked. 

Self-esteem is an emotional evaluation we make of our own worth. It is a judgment of oneself as well as an attitude toward our own self.  It is the positive or negative evaluations of the self, as in how we feel about it (Smith 2007)  It has been used as a measuarable psychological construct in research for several decades.

Within therapt the famous Carl Rogers believed that many people in his culture despised themselves and they considered themselves to be ‘unvaluable’ and that this was a major issue behind many life issues for people. This was a significant rationale behind the need to give unconditional regard to the person seeking assistance.  Indeed, the concept of self-esteem is approached since then in humanistic psychology as an inalienable right for every person, summarized in the following sentence:

“Every human being, with no exception, for the mere fact to be it, is worthy of unconditional respect of everybody else; he deserves to esteem himself and to be esteemed.”

However, while it is a popular idea in the general population, self-help book writers and many therapists, it was not universally accepted as a useful construct.  I gave up using it after finding the so-called therapies aimed at changing it simply did not work.  After wondering whether I should actually give up being a therapist, as evryone else was talking about it, I found the that some significant therapists had issues with the concept (whew!).  Albert Ellis, one of the grandfathers of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT & REBT) criticized the concept of self-esteem as essentially self-defeating and ultimately destructive. (Ellis 2001 & Ellis 2005).  He thought it was illogical and socially destructive, creating more harm than good.  Then Baumiester in a review of the evidence found that in essence many of the claims about self-esteem were simply unfounded.  In this a 2003 review of the research by Baumeister (Baumeister, 2003) they came to the troubling conclusion that esteem is not all it’s cracked up to be.  He noted: “High self-esteem does not predict better performance or greater success. And though people with high self-esteem do think they’re more successful, objectively, they are not. High self-esteem does not make you a more effective leader, a more appealing lover, more likely to lead a healthy lifestyle, or more attractive and compelling in an interview.”  So what do we do now if all those supposed methods to increase self-esteem are wrong (along with daily affirmations of your own terrificness)? 

Of course, if we use methods to increase our self-esteem by comparing ourselves to some external “fact”, ideal, or concept then we are actually giving away our power.  Many attempts to help people feel better used comparative techniques.  But what actually happens if you already have a propensity to the world negatively?  What happens when you are not feeling okay about yourself?  What happens if you are a teenager and you need to be okay in yourself but the group turns on you as it will in its normal baboon stage of growth?  Kristin neff points out the crazy idea that 98% of Americans believe they are better drivers then others – ie 98% fit into 50% of the population!  These types of comparisons do not stad up to logic.  What can we do that doesn’t depend on comparative methods?

Research since 2003 shows that self-compassion, being kind to yourself is a surer fire method to improve you’re your own mental health (Neff, Rude, & Kirkpatrick, 2007) and reach your goals: to feel reasonable about yourself and to be able to stand in sensible healthy connected way with our family, friends and communities?   Enter self compassion.  Self-compassion is different from self-esteem and it is worth noting that self-esteem is a trait that can merge into narcissism.  After decades of trying to improve self esteem in the USA it was found that around a quarter of college students may be able to be classified as being narcistic.  It is also very different from self-pity or self-indulgence. “Self-compassion is treating yourself with the same kindness and care you'd treat a friend,” Neff states. People who are self-compassionate avoid harsh critiques or negative generalizations of themselves, and they see their troubles as part of the human condition.

Research is showing that this gentler, nonjudgmental but courageous approach helps individuals bounce back even after major crises.  For example, in a study in Psychological Science, it was found that newly divorced people who spoke compassionately toward themselves adjusted significantly better in the following 10 months than those who spoke more harshly, with self-compassion outperforming self-esteem and even optimism as a predictor of good coping.

      Baumeister, R. F., Campbell, J. D., Krueger, J. I., Vohs, K. D. (2003). Does High Self-Esteem Cause Better Performance, Interpersonal Success, Happiness, or Healthier Lifestyles? . Psychological Science in the Public Interest 4(1-44). doi: doi:10.1111/1529-1006.01431

Smith, E. R.; Mackie, D. M. (2007). Social Psychology (Third ed.). Hove: Psychology Press. ISBN 978-1-84169-408-5.

Ellis, A. (2001). Feeling better, getting better, staying better. Impact Publishers

Ellis, A. (2005). The Myth of Self-esteem. Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books. ISBN 1-59102-354-8.

Neff, K. D., Rude, S. S., & Kirkpatrick, K. (2007). An examination of self-compassion in relation to positive psychological functioning and personality traits. Journal of Research in Personality, 41, 908-916. 

[john-julian60]

What is self-kindness and self-compassion about?

According to Kristin Neff, a professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, “self-compassion is treating yourself with the same kindness and care you'd treat a friend.”   Neff is a leading researcher in this newly bourgeoning field and work with clinical psychologist Christopher Germer in developing pragmatic ways people can use self-kindness. 

Self-compassion is essentially learning to deal with our self-critic.  Yes, self critic.  That is not something we hear about everyday although I suspect the majority of people in the Western World know all about how to give themselves a hard time in their own head.  But have you ever hear any one talk about it and how to deal with?  Have you ever been told that the things said by that voice are not facts?   That will be ne aspect that this blog will deal with. 

Another way of looking at it is that this is about learning to extend the self kindness we give to other to oneself in instances where we perceived inadequacy, failure, or general  anxiety or suffering.  Kristin defined self-compassion in a 2003 journal article (link available at http://www.thinkinghealthy.com.au/page12.php ) and noted it is made up of three main components – mindfulness (awareness we are in difficulty),  common humanity (understanding it is not just us) and applying self-kindness (Neff, 2003).

Already the research results in this field are impressive and hopeful, especially in one area about self-esteem.  Since Baumeister the 2003 review of the research on esteem in 2003 (Baumeister, 2003) came to the troubling conclusion that esteem is not all it’s cracked up to be, even the word ‘self-esteem’ can be hard to find in some recently published psychology texts.  High self-esteem does not predict better performance or greater success. And though people with high self-esteem do think they’re more successful, objectively, they are not. High self-esteem does not make you a more effective leader, a more appealing lover, more likely to lead a healthy lifestyle, or more attractive and compelling in an interview.   However, it appears that learning self-compassion may in actual fact really assist people to gain a better place in their own view and to be more independent yet also be more connected.  More next time ...

So in essence, having compassion for oneself is really no different than having compassion for others.  It’s just that our culture does not teach it and our society has a strong tendency to use subtle ways to get people to think they are simply not good enough by themselves for themselves and with themselves.  This occurs especially when people learn to try and compare themselves to others.  Mindful self-compassion teaches pragmatic ways to  shine a rational light on such ideas that we are not worthy.

Ref's

Baumeister, R. F., Campbell, J. D., Krueger, J. I., Vohs, K. D. (2003). Does High Self-Esteem Cause Better Performance, Interpersonal Success, Happiness, or Healthier Lifestyles?  Psychological Science in the Public Interest 4(1-44). doi: doi:10.1111/1529-1006.01431

Neff, K. D. (2003). Development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and Identity, 2, 223-250.