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OUCH! (not trying is easier...)
Author’s note: The term ‘ego’ carries so much baggage, often meaning different things to different folks with different experiences in spirituality and/or psychology. That’s why I stepped beyond it, further, because I think we can be more specific. In helping me find the origin of what made up most of my inner self-critic (really, what my strict and/or abusive parents said to me repeatedly), it was much easier to dispute and discard them. They weren’t my words to have, after all.
https://medium.com/know-thyself-heal-thyself/on-un-demonizing-anger-healing-your-inner-child-digging-deeper-than-ego-falling-in-love-with-8728cad06f7a / #poetry
Author’s note: The term ‘ego’ carries so much baggage, often meaning different things to different folks with different experiences in spirituality and/or psychology. That’s why I stepped beyond it, further, because I think we can be more specific. In helping me find the origin of what made up most of my inner self-critic (really, what my strict and/or abusive parents said to me repeatedly), it was much easier to dispute and discard them. They weren’t my words to have, after all.
https://medium.com/know-thyself-heal-thyself/on-un-demonizing-anger-healing-your-inner-child-digging-deeper-than-ego-falling-in-love-with-8728cad06f7a / #poetry
I Am Worthy
How do you feel if you could hear Mary Angelou think “uh oh! They are going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody, and they are going to find me out”, or Albert Einstein say “The exaggerated esteem in which my life’s work is held makes me feel ill at ease” or Meryl Streep wonder “Why would anyone want to see me in a movie again?”
It feels ridiculous, doesn’t it? But it is surprising how prevalent self-doubt is and how often people find themselves feeling like they do not deserve what they achieved. If you do not experience self-doubt, then you are in the minority. My father-in-law suggested we write about “The Imposter Syndrome” here on Duolog, but I laughed at the idea. I mockingly said, “Baba, but attributing the credit of one’s success to their team is called humility, and it is a good thing.” So, imagine my surprise when a little reading tells me otherwise which then led me to introspect.
The first time I experienced it is in Business School. I came to Canada cocksure that with my five years of experience and the international travel I had under my belt, MBA would be a steal. I don’t think I was ever or have I ever been since as sure of anything as I was then. My first awakening was when I attended my first class of Integrative Thinking and when the professor asked a question, I raised my hand to answer. Gibberish came out of my mouth and the Professor looking at my colourfully highlighted notes said, “Next time focus on what you are highlighting instead of the highlighting itself.” I was not used to such trauma. I was always the teacher’s pet, the straight A student, the example. That marked the beginning of the end of my career in Finance. Since that day I find myself doubting myself. I hardly ever raise my hand to answer a question for worry of sounding like an idiot. Many professors came after who proved that my one traumatic experience was an outlier but for some reason, I can’t get over it.
Which brings me to the next point I came across during my reading. I often remember my failures but hardly ever congratulate myself for my successes. Isn’t it ludicrous that we remind ourselves of incidents that set us up for failure instead of those that inspire us? When someone asks me if I am capable of doing a particular piece of work, I think of all the times that I failed to be an overachiever and nod a half-confident yes. Even though I am capable of finishing the task swimmingly, I find myself questioning my thoughts and ideas through and through. I also face a moment of surprise when the feedback to my work is positive before I absorb it and that nagging self-doubt takes a back seat for a little while. If I am reading both sides of the coin, then this same doubt also compels me to do better, to be my best.
For years I walked around thinking everyone else in the room knew more than I did which probably was true at times but most of the times were not and as good as it feels to know that most of those people felt the same way it is such an unnecessary fear. The comparison should be made between like things, apples to apples but how often have we compared ourselves to others who are in a whole different stage of the career trajectory? As I write this morning, I can think of many moments when I have been told by influential people that I shouldn’t be intimidated by them because when they were at the career stage, I am in I would have been surprised to meet them. I am sure there are quite a few in the world who perceive themselves to be more capable than they are in actual but surprisingly the percentage of people who undermine themselves is larger. It is as if we look for a reason to confirm our bias and the moment we find one we anchor ourselves to it and allow the nagging self-doubt to return to the forefront.
“Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win, by fearing to attempt.” - William Shakespeare
Read the other part of this Duolog(ue).
70% Of Us Experience It
A couple of years ago, I walked into my boss’s office to congratulate him the day after he won the Most Valuable Player or MVP award which goes to a handful who contribute above and beyond their jobs’ requirements.
boi...i drew eyes closed alot
Creative CONSTIPATION.
Have you ever tried all of the tricks on getting inspired and generating ideas, but nothing seems to work? This means you suffer from creative constipation AKA Writer’s Block. The last few weeks have been nothing but gruelling for me. I never thought I’d have this much trouble writing articles, but alas, Writer’s Block hits everybody sooner or later, it seems. I know many are more comfortable…
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What is self-kindness and self-compassion about?
According to Kristin Neff, a professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, “self-compassion is treating yourself with the same kindness and care you'd treat a friend.” Neff is a leading researcher in this newly bourgeoning field and work with clinical psychologist Christopher Germer in developing pragmatic ways people can use self-kindness.
Self-compassion is essentially learning to deal with our self-critic. Yes, self critic. That is not something we hear about everyday although I suspect the majority of people in the Western World know all about how to give themselves a hard time in their own head. But have you ever hear any one talk about it and how to deal with? Have you ever been told that the things said by that voice are not facts? That will be ne aspect that this blog will deal with.
Another way of looking at it is that this is about learning to extend the self kindness we give to other to oneself in instances where we perceived inadequacy, failure, or general anxiety or suffering. Kristin defined self-compassion in a 2003 journal article (link available at http://www.thinkinghealthy.com.au/page12.php ) and noted it is made up of three main components – mindfulness (awareness we are in difficulty), common humanity (understanding it is not just us) and applying self-kindness (Neff, 2003).
Already the research results in this field are impressive and hopeful, especially in one area about self-esteem. Since Baumeister the 2003 review of the research on esteem in 2003 (Baumeister, 2003) came to the troubling conclusion that esteem is not all it’s cracked up to be, even the word ‘self-esteem’ can be hard to find in some recently published psychology texts. High self-esteem does not predict better performance or greater success. And though people with high self-esteem do think they’re more successful, objectively, they are not. High self-esteem does not make you a more effective leader, a more appealing lover, more likely to lead a healthy lifestyle, or more attractive and compelling in an interview. However, it appears that learning self-compassion may in actual fact really assist people to gain a better place in their own view and to be more independent yet also be more connected. More next time ...
So in essence, having compassion for oneself is really no different than having compassion for others. It’s just that our culture does not teach it and our society has a strong tendency to use subtle ways to get people to think they are simply not good enough by themselves for themselves and with themselves. This occurs especially when people learn to try and compare themselves to others. Mindful self-compassion teaches pragmatic ways to shine a rational light on such ideas that we are not worthy.
Ref's
Baumeister, R. F., Campbell, J. D., Krueger, J. I., Vohs, K. D. (2003). Does High Self-Esteem Cause Better Performance, Interpersonal Success, Happiness, or Healthier Lifestyles? Psychological Science in the Public Interest 4(1-44). doi: doi:10.1111/1529-1006.01431
Neff, K. D. (2003). Development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and Identity, 2, 223-250.
I think I'm my own worst enemy, and my own worst critic...and I don't know what to do about that.
I've only just started with the company but I'm so so hard on myself. I want to succeed, but I want to succeed now and that's completely unrealistic. Especially since other people in this company who actually went to school for teaching had to basically start from scratch, having the same difficulties that I'm having, since the company wants us to teach THEIR way. But knowing that intellectually doesn't make me feel better. On a more positive note, I had to sub for a sick teacher yesterday, not knowing any of her material and being told a few hours before the actual classes. (I taught 3.) I think I did pretty well considering her classroom was completely disorganized and I couldn't find some things I needed. But the kids called me oneechan-sensei which was cute. And one girl was like, you're so brown! And kept touching my braids and asked me how I did them. So I put a mini braid in her hair to show her and the other students. They were amazed. Which makes me wonder, does Japan not have a history of braiding or plaiting hair?
