Poetry

[jojoalex2014-blog]

Burned out tires

We rode life hard and burned out the tires.

With the pedal to the floor, we were wired.

Switching seats at every light and spinning around turns.

Racing at 110, the tires burned.

But with your hand on my thigh and mine on the stick shift.

I shifted it higher and felt us starting to drift,

But this dirt road is rocky as sand spits up behind us.

The morning fog is settling, and the turns are ambiguous.

Your hand goes up my thigh and you whisper “faster.”

Of course, I obey like a salve to a master.

You kiss me and my eyes close in bliss.

Just long enough for both of us to miss.

The sign that warned “sharp turns ahead.”

Adrenaline in my heart and only you in my head.

I see a glare in the mist and before I can think.

The impact of the guardrail hits in a blink.

As we race down the free fall, I look at you;

In slow motion, I see your smile break through.

Your control on me finally disappears,

But it’s far too late for me to steer.

Pushed against the headrest,

You smiled because you were obsessed,

With being the only one to hold me,

And the only one to destroy me.

[jojoalex2014-blog]

Finding your voice

I know the voices in your head have over powered your own.

They came in and they took over a long time ago.

They whisper, "your weak, no one cares."

They tormented you with lies and fears.

They scream, "give up, give in!"

"Go ahead and try but you won't win!"

I know every day is exactly the same,

And when one thing goes wrong they tell you you're to blame.

You smile by day, but cry at night.

You can't look in the mirror because you're losing this fight.

You never speak up and thrive in the shadows,

Because it's "better off" that way you suppose.

You're good at helping friends but stay in isolation,

Because you want to be "ok" but you're entering desolation.

Your motivation switch is completely broken.

It feels like you're in a cage with the door wide open;

Freedom is a step away but you've never been outside before.

The fear takes over and you refuse to even peak out the door.

You keep hoping someone will cut you some slack,

But no one does because they don't know the pain you're holding back.

You built your walls sky high, but on weak foundation.

And you're just waiting for them to come crashing down from erosion.

You won't reach out for help because you don't think anyone will care,

And even if they did, you're a break that can't be repaired.

You can't find the light at the end of this tunnel,

And you've been alone in the dark for a while now.

You know you could disappear without a trace,

So what's the point in running when you can't win the race?

It's been a while, but you need to remember those voices aren't yours.

You may have lost a few fights, but you have won more.

I know because you're still here for some reason or another.

Your voice may be one, but it can't be smothered.

I know your crying at night but you carry a smile every day;

You want to break down but you smile anyway.

You stay in the shadows, but have the potential to glow.

You'd be "better off" if you stepped into the light though.

You live in isolation because you don't know what people would say.

But you need to know, it's ok to not be "ok."

It’s time to rewire your switch and step out of your cage,

Because this is your story and you should tell the glories you've made.

Erosion won't break you, just like how Pisa still leans,

And for thousands of years it stands beyond all means.

Sometimes a break just needs new parts,

And if you open up, you can find out who your pieces are.

This tunnel might be dark and you can't see any light,

But what's in reach, may not be in sight.

If you take a few more steps you'd come to the tunnel's turn,

And see the light and fresh air awaiting your return.

You'll step out of the tunnel and into the sun.

The whole point of the race, is the fact that you can run.

I know the voices in your head have overpowered your own,

But it's time to realize that you are not alone. -Joanna Alex

[jojoalex2014-blog]

To my 15 year old self

If I could go back 5 years ago this is what I would want to tell my younger self: (In loving memory of Brittany M. Knowlton 5/20/92 - 10/30/11 and Eric J. Marx 5/15/92 - 03/26/11.)

Hush little girl don't you cry.

Put some daisies where your friends lie.

Rest your head on their headstones,

Because their shoulder isn't there and you're all alone.

Hush little girl it's time to be strong.

No one has a reason to explain these wrongs.

It's time to go, put the flowers on the ground.

Go ahead and scream, they can't hear a sound.

Hush little girl don't you cry.

Life gets harder and people have to die.

Sometimes cars slide and sometimes they speed past; 

Sometimes cars glide and sometimes they crash.

Hush little girl please stop crying.

Please stop kissing the ground and good-byeing.

They can't hug you or hold you tight.

You're going to cry yourself to sleep every night.

Hush little girl please be strong,

Because grieving is very long.

People will judge you for your tears,

And the pain will last you for many years.

The world won't cut you any slack,

Because they don't know the pain you're holding back.

It's time to move on and you can't give up.

Hush little girl it's time to stand up.

This burden you'll carry for the rest of your days,

But life it's self is just a phase.

Everything must begin and everything must end,

And as much as it hurts we must start again.

If we let our soul die, their memory dies too.

So hush little girl you must push through.

When you want to cry remember to smile,

And it's ok to shed a tear every once in a while.

But when you do, look up to the sky,

An remember you're the reason their memory will never die.

[jojoalex2014-blog]

Daytiiin (Dayton)

Fifteen people with different stories, Their paths’ intersect on the road to glory. Their road is winding and sometimes unclear, But with one common dream, they persevere. Hours of sweat, feed their desire, Because their hearts are fueled by Aztec fire. And bruises of effort, drive their endurance. They all know it’s more than a performance. It’s the chills from the snap of the guns. It’s all the practices and all the runs. It’s the injuries they fought against. It’s the speed of their heart, and the burning in their chest. It’s the sabre caught perfectly at port. It’s recovering quick from a toss that was short. It’s traveling for miles and miles on end. It’s knowing no matter what you have a friend. It’s fighting for a goal that no one understands. It’s heating your joins and icing your hands. It’s the fear before they toss. It’s the countless hours of sleep they’ve lost. It’s walking into a new arena but feeling at home, Because when you are on this team, you’re never alone. They set the floor and they wait, Finally, they hear “Taking the floor, San Diego State” The rush of emotions and adrenaline; They all have hopes of metaling. But winning isn’t just a high score, It’s the unexplainable feeling walking off the floor. It’s bonds that can never be broken. It’s learning to believe in your skills instead of hoping. It’s trusting your hands, but your teammates even more. It’s finding a type of love you never have known before. It’s being part of something and giving it your all. It’s having people to catch you when you fall. It’s the memories we made that will last a life time. And it’s all because we had an Aztec State of Mind. ~Joanna Alex

[jojoalex2014-blog]

New beginnings

This isn’t a corny poem for a college essay. I’m just here to say what I have to say. I always had a good work ethic and push myself really hard; I guess captain shouldn’t be surprised after just one year on the guard. I had a fall out with my group when my first year came to an end. This year was a fresh new team and I had to make new friends. The team was great and I wanted everyone to have an amazing season, But I had a hard time opening up for some weird reason. I was stressed out and played the role of being fine. I wanted to be a leader; I wanted to call this guard mine. I had so much pride, I pretended I wasn’t slipping. But I wasn’t sleeping at night and my motivation was giving. I thought maybe I should get more involved, I rushed a sorority hoping my emptiness would be resolved. They make themselves the enemy to get pledges to bond, But it just made me feel out casted, with everything going on. They gave us so much to learn and rules to follow. I realized I took a bite too big for me to swallow. Getting out of bed got harder and harder. My grades started slipping and I thought I was smarter; But I was skipping class to try to earn my “letters.” I kept waiting for a sign to know things would get better. It never came and I lost sight, Exhaustion kicked in, and I knew I was losing this fight. I laid on the couch and waved the white flag. And then the pain hit me like the force of an airbag; It was like driving 110 without any breaks, Unprepared for the turns the road takes. The gas pedal is stuck and I’m tired of driving. I know I’m not living, I’m just surviving. So I let go of the wheel and gave up. One hand on the aspirin the other on the cup. The voice in my head whispered “you won’t, you’re weak.” Tears fell down my face and I began to speak, “I want to go home” my faint voice cracked, As the wheels skidded off this lonely track. But saying this was just desperation, Because home had no real location. I wanted comfort, safety, a friend. But with none in sight, I just wanted an end. The hospital is all a little blurry. My eyes were weak and my tears were worry. Doctors surrounded me, as needles pierced my skin. I felt myself drifting, as it all started to sink in. I saw my story pass by my eyes, And when it was too late, I realized I didn’t want to die. I didn’t want an end, just a new beginning And life itself, isn’t worth quitting. And as one last tear rolled down my cheek, I heard the monitor make one last beep. Sometimes it’s hard to know if we want an end or a change, And getting to know ourselves can be a little strange. Trying to find out who we are and who we want to be, And struggling to figure out the path that is in-between. My biggest regret was listening to the voices in my head, And letting them destroy me with every word they said. Finally, I see a faint golden light, And I’m faced with the choice of fight or flight. Maybe it was a dream or just all the medication, But I woke up while my body continued detoxification. Three days later, I was handed my discharge. Three words sank straight into my heart. That paper was my realization, I suppose. It read: Anxiety, Depression, and Intentional Overdose. I finally admitted I couldn’t do this by myself, So I told my coach and a few teammates as well. My days of saying “I’m fine” were finally done, And I started making changes one by one. By opening up, I made a good support net. I quit my sorority, and focused on grades instead. Ironically, the next week was national suicide awareness; That was the week I finally felt acceptance. They laid out hundreds of caps on the school lawn, For all the students that committed suicide and are now gone. Looking at those caps and thinking that could have been me, Brought me right back to my own reality. At night students set out paper bags that were illuminated. Some just had words and others were decorated. Many spread encouragement, not to give up. But what really made my tears erupt, Was the bags that just had a name. Someone that felt empty, alone, or shame. Someone who felt they had no options. Someone who finally gave into exhaustion. Someone who just needed a friend Someone who confused a new beginning, with an end. I cried because by a miracle that night, I wasn’t a cap on the grass or a name glowing in the light. I got a new beginning and a second chance, And I learned to never look at life in just a glance. I made some great friends who were my support. I learned to handle stress and didn’t have trouble sleeping anymore. I had more motivation and I became the leader I always wanted. I was able to fix my grades with new study habits I adopted. In the end, I got my new beginning; Although the roads been bumpy, I’m finally living. -Joanna Alex