weird shit i’ve said to friends
- it’s only going to get gayer from here.
- my eyebrows are as flexible as inchworms.
- watch him roll out like a motherfucking transformer.
- never thought i’d see the day i was this happy to be able to flush a toilet.
- you know not what you have unleashed. the puns have just begun.
- such an adorable little psycho. i want to pinch his cheeks.
- ya know, i really don’t know what else i was expecting, but it definitely wasn’t tap dancing ghosts.
- aliens. it’s always the fucking aliens.
- i made frodo kill gandalf with help from the sheriff.
- we’re just going to pretend that i never made that typo.
- it never happened. never. to speak of it is blasphemy and i will disown you.
- dissssshonor on youuuuuu!!
- hello, darkness, my old friend. i believe you owe me a favor.
- that’s a sentence i never thought i would ever say.
- my asexual ass is immune to your lego dildo.
- this is just one of the many, many reasons i’m going to hell.
- i was ready to go. i had accepted my fate. there was dignity in it.
- huzzah is not used nearly enough.
- pretend it’s a pinata. the thought of candy will motivate you.
- the answer is always aliens.
- so it’s basically a walking, murdering, std that you can pawn off to other people by fucking them? alright.
- you just hate that you can’t use angst to defeat me.
- because my booty is too fabulous not to shake.
- this is going to turn into a clusterfuck, i just know it. let me grab some popcorn.
- all hail the mythical, magical booty!
- i have reached a whole new level of gayness. i can now shoot rainbows out my eyeballs.
- he might be a trainwreck, but he’s a trainwreck with fabulous hair.
- the day i let him cook me food is the day that i eat lava. which, honestly, will probably be what he’ll somehow manage to make.
- i’m not straight enough for this shit.
- actually, i’m not straight at all which means i don’t need to be here. later.
- my super power is making stupid jokes and making people cry over fictional characters.
- if aliens come to earth do you think i could bribe them to abduct me?
- i’m so done with planet earth. just toss me into space where i belong.
- it’s time to take my trash ass home.
- from 0 to doby didn’t die in harry potter, how high is your denial?
- that’s the golden standard in homo.
- and all i hear is him screaming ‘THEY GO THROUGH THE BUTTHOLE!!!’
- i just tried to ignore it, but… ignoring it did not go well.
- my version of netflix and chill is netflix and icecream.
- may the gay be with you and keep you strong.
- you make it sound like i’m not a fucking salt mine regardless.
- i stain this house with eternal sin.
- your sexual frustation has no power here!
- i don’t hate him. i just want to smack him… possibly with a chair…. made of metal….. who knows, it might knock some sense into him.
- this is not the typo you are looking for.
- all i know is we’re gonna sin.
- that’s how i wanna leave this world. death by alien hug.
- well, i spawned them, but what the fuck do i feed them?
- somebody stop this boy before he gets himself marked.
- why you always gotta clockblock me, tomezones?
- it says no dancing on the aligators.
- save a life. give me teleportation powers.
- i am salty about salt. i can’t believe it.
- wait… what? do i want this? why do i want this? i don’t want this. put it back.