I waited until the day after Father's Day to post this, another offering for the new humor site I'm contributing to. Please remember that this...is...satire....
MY PARENTS DID THE BEST THEY COULD
** Like the time I went crying to mother after my sister told me I was adopted, she said, “Oh come on, that’s friggin’ funny….”
** Followed by, “Do you think I would adopt a baby that even remotely looked like your father?”
** Followed by, “I know you’re five, but it’s never too early to get over yourself.”
** Which, when you think about it, is understandable, because any time I would cry after that, she would wait a while, then say, “Are you really upset, or is this a bit?”
** I don’t blame her. I knew what a bit was. Like the time my father explained a five-day absence by saying, “Oh, so when David Copperfield makes the Statue of Liberty disappear, he’s a genius?”
** They both believed in some sort of spiritual life. Like the time my father met the new female cantor at our temple and said, “Guy goes into a jewelry store, takes out his shlong, puts it on the counter and asks, ‘Do you fix watches?’”
** And when my mother shushed him, he said, “Oh, I’m sorry. Schmeckel?’
** They didn’t always agree. Like the time they argued over who left me at the bus station.
** No, that’s wrong. The argument was over who left me at the bus station longer.
** They always tried to connect with me. Although my father could have come up with a better greeting than, “Hello, I’m another person in the room….”
** And after my girlfriend dumped me, my mother said, “Well, if I was still in college, I would love to go out with you….” (Maybe this is a good time to mention I was 14.)
** Not always, but often, my parents tried to let me down easy. Like when they claimed our street was not zoned for hugging.
** Speaking of streets, care and support was two-way. I’m quite sure my father wasn’t the first dad to have me hand out his business cards to the other kids in first grade
** Just as I’m sure my father was trying to prepare me for the days when I might have company when he said, “If I wanted vodka flavored ice, I would have asked for it.”
** And I’m sure my mother wanted me to keep the focus on myself when she dropped me off at my first therapist and said, “Leave my name out of it.”
I feel much better, You know, it’s true. It always helps when you write it down on paper. Like a prescription. Like a couple of prescriptions.
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