Do you want to live?

No one can die twice.

[jonnyawesome-blog1]

Drüben von H. Hesse

Drüben überm Berge

Streut sein Licht der fahle Mond,

Dort in ewiger Mondesnacht

Meine tote Jugend wohnt.

Drüben überm Berge

Bei dem Grab der Königin

Geht verhärmt im Geisterschritt

Meine tote Liebe hin.

Drüben überm Berge,

Wo die kühlen Tempel sind,

Schluchzt vor meinen  toten Göttern

Ein verirrt Gebet im Wind.

[jonnyawesome-blog1]

Why did I start this tumblr?

First of all... I’m sorry. My English is not the best. And if anyone is going to read this, pleas don’t mind the all the typos.

This will be the story why I started this tumblr. 

Over two years ago, I was really sad. I wasn’t just sad, I was really depressed and I still battle the consequences of my mental illness. 

The truth is, I deserved it. I deserved every little bit of it. Why? Because I lied.      I lied to everyone. To my brother, my teachers, my mom, my dad and I lied to the love of my life. I lied so hard, I forgott who I was.

So I lost my self. And with it I lost my girlfriend and the love of my parents and my brother. Sure... they thought, they love me. But I wasn’t me. I was my lies. I knew it was wrong and I hated myself for that. Due to this selfhate, I became depressed. That was the time, I decidet to start this blog. 

I wanted to write my joys and sorrows. I wanted to keep track about my life and myself, because in the Internet, I can be myself. 

But if you break it down, I was just another depressed teen, who wanted to look at some goth posts and tried to find people who felt the same. 

Today, now that I’ve turned 21, I see things different. Sure, my personality is yet not developed fully, but I’m a bit more grown up. 

I see things clearer now and I learned that you can’t chose to become a certain person. You are the sum of the events in your past and you can only change it, if you work heard enough.