Jon Smith / On...

writing & digital marketing

[jonsmith-writer]

Like Me – The Social Media Musical: crowd funding its way to Broadway

Two British writers are intending to take their social-media themed musical all the way to Broadway with the help of… social media.

The Indiegogo fund-raising campaign aims to raise $32,140 to fund an Investor Showcase in New York

Garry Lake (Music & Lyrics) and Jon Smith (Book/Libretto) are the writing team behind Like Me – The Social Media Musical a four-hand, full-book musical that tackles the topic of social media head on. Funny, touching and timely, Like Me shows how reliant we’ve all become on social media and how we live our digital lives often in stark contrast to our real world personae.

In what is both a social experiment and a funding lifeline, the two British writers have self-funded script development of the show with five development workshops in both the UK and United States, culminating with a sell-out performance at London’s Waterloo East Theatre in April 2015. With their hopes now very much set on Broadway, the duo have turned to social media and crowd-funding as a way to garner exposure for the material and raise the funds required to mount a showcase in the heart of New York’s theatre district.

Asked about the campaign Jon Smith commented, “Crowd-funding is an exciting way to raise capital and generate exposure for creative projects. Rather than approaching corporates or established producers and persuading them to commit large amounts of money to a project, which often becomes marred in negotiations, contracts and red tape we wanted to appeal to actual theatre goers who would be interested in seeing our show.”

Like Me – The Social Media Musical is the first musical to explore the worldwide phenomenon of social media.

To learn more about this exciting, current and topical new musical, the Investor Showcase on Broadway and the Indiegogo crowd-funding campaign… click through to the campaign

Garry Lake added, “Breaking in to Broadway with new writing is never easy, but our crowd-funding campaign, along with our website and our established social media presence will show future investors that the project already has a large following who are prepared to make a personal investment in this show – not just a ‘like’ but an actual cash investment. These contributors aren’t just potential future ticket buyers – they’re super fans and champions of new writing. With that sort of commitment and passion channelled on social media, exciting things happen.”

Like Me will be presented on Broadway to an invited audience of potential investors and production partners, July 2015.  During its development history from song cycle to full-book musical, in both London and New York, the show has attracted the performing talents of CRYSTAL MOSSER, MIG AYESA, DEONE ZANOTTO, CHARLIE LEVY, REBECCA FAULKENBERRY, TRACY MCDOWELL, OLIVER THOMPSETT, RACHAEL WOODING, ASHLEIGH GREY, CARL MULLANEY, LUCIE JONES, SARAH FRENCH-ELLIS, JACK SHALLOO, GEORGINA HAGEN, JAKE SMALL and ROSS WILLIAM WILD.

CREATIVE TEAM

Music & Lyrics GARRY LAKE | Book/Libretto JON SMITH | Choreographer REBECCA HOWELL | Musical Director JAMES DOUGHTY | Stage Designer HOWARD LLOYD | Sound Designer GARETH TUCKER | Casting Director WILL BURTON

Indiegogo Campaign: http://igg.me/at/likememusical/x/8823043

Twitter: @likeme_me

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/likememusical

Web: www.likememusical.com

[jonsmith-writer]

Jon Smith / On... turned 2 today!

[jonsmith-writer]

On... Social Media – a lost cause for advertisers or an untapped sales channel?

Social Media aficionados have been beating the drum for some time now imploring companies, large and small, to ensure their brand is where their users and potential users are… on the social media platforms. Slowly but surely the brands have listened and have set about creating their corporate presence on Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, YouTube, Pinterest, Google+ etc…

Brands are certainly becoming more aware of the need to engage with their existing and their potential customers through social media platforms. Some companies are clearly better at it than others, and there are of course certain products or services that lend themselves more to social media platforms. But what CEOs continue to ask is… now what? How does having a social media presence, and engaging successfully with your fans, or your followers or your viewers actually translate into sales – into revenue – for your company?

Those who have sought to bolster their social media presence with advertising have been sorely disappointed – whether it’s sponsored tweets or display advertising on Facebook; results have been underwhelming, often resulting in the reduction or complete withdrawal of social media advertising budgets.

Failing to measure Social Media Success

When pressed for industry-standard measurements or success indicators, things become a little bit cloudy. The very question, “how do you measure Social Media success” causes digital managers to collectively shuffle their feet and look to the floor before reciting the mantra that, “it’s not always possible to show a direct link between social media and sales, for the channel to be contributing to the company’s revenues.” A sort of “trust me, I know it’s working, I just can’t prove it.”

This is compounded by the social media platforms themselves who are the worst offenders – using the highly effective psychology of console and multiplayer games, they’ve hooked users with badges, awards, and simple but effective ways for users to ‘compare’ their popularity and ‘show off’ in their profile – Success is being the “cool kid” and profiles across all the platforms are designed in a way to promote and celebrate the cult of “Look at me, I’m popular”.

This ego-stroking has (unfortunately) successfully transferred over to those instigating and looking after corporate social media accounts – look how many Likes our company page has, how many friends we have, how many Followers, Re-Tweets, Direct Messages, Pins… Vanity statistics, none of which translate into cash – no direct correlation with sales – no apparent ROI.

Industry commentators, myself included, have struggled to lock down how to actually make money from social, especially Twitter and Facebook. I co-wrote the first book to be published in the United Kingdom on the theme of using Twitter to promote your business, so have a vested interest in the platform’s continuing success but Twitter’s advertising solution, thus far, is both cynical and self-destructive.

All of the tech press carries the same message. Other than LinkedIn, none of the social platforms are actually making much money – granted Facebook’s $5Billion turnover in 2012 is nothing to be sniffed at, but given it’s IPO valuation and given that it reports one billion returning users per month, $5 ARPU is pretty poor.

Advertising on the social networks isn’t working for users, advertisers or for the platforms.

Until now…

Whisbi have developed a Facebook App aptly named “Whisbi for Facebook” which enables brands to sell products and services direct to consumers from within the Facebook environment – no deep links to product pages on an external website; instead, the opportunity for consumers to buy products or services direct from a company Fan page – right there on Facebook. All the consumer need do is enter their name and number on a form and within 5 seconds they’re connected to a sales agent via phone and one-way video. Turn likes into dollars with Whisbi for Facebook!

Download my eBook and find out how to monetize Facebook with Whisbi

[jonsmith-writer]

On... The dangerous march toward Catalan independence – cloaked King-making

There’s not a wall in the centre of Barcelona without a poster, flyer or graffiti message urging independence. The newspapers, TV stations, radio and general banter are dominated by this topic. This is big news that dominates public opinion across the region and ‘nationally’- by that I mean across other neighbouring, semi-autonomous and bankrupt regions that the rest of the world knows as Spain.

This obsessive, idealised and ultimately romantic notion of independence is BAD for Cataluña.

As a staunch Irish republican, pro-Palestinian and general supporter of the right to self-determination, I really want to clap and cheer the Catalan independence movement, but I can’t. Catalunya, if it secured independence, would have to function outside of the EU, outside of the Euro and the so-called big businesses that are generating all this Catalan GDP would up sticks and leave if independence were ever achieved. A large proportion of the European exports the region currently enjoys would cease, because it’s a lot harder to do business with countries outside of the EU and in a different currency – current buyers wouldn’t buy anymore. Currently 50% of Cataluña’s trade is with the other regions of Spain – this would be hurt too – for the same reasons; it would be too difficult to trade with Cataluña and much easier to ‘shop’ elsewhere. Nothing to do with petty-mindedness from Madrid as is being bandied around in the regional press, simple fact – it’s easier for an EU country to do business with another EU country than say with Brazil or Morocco; an independent Catalunya would have to spend a few years in the wilderness until they can join the EU, Catalunya would be on the trade periphery, a last choice not a first choice.

The Catalan regional government, which is as close to self-governing as you can get, (trumped only by the Basque region which, through ETA, waged a bloody and violent independence campaign) has proven to be spectacularly bad at managing finances, controlling corruption and nepotism or making the drastic cuts required to the swollen civil service to balance the books – the same ministers can’t and won’t suddenly become better at their jobs the moment Catalunya is declared a country.

On September 11th 2012 there really were 1.5 million on the streets, these protesters weren’t just angry trade unionists, disenchanted students or ne’er do wells banding together under the independence banner for a chance to smash the windows of Citibank (again) and throw rocks at the Mossos d'Esquadra – this was a demonstration by the very broadest cross-section of the socio-economic mix with families of three generations marching; a large proportion of the demonstrators were the well-heeled middle-class who’d driven in specially from Sant Cugat et al in their Porsche Cayennes and X5s to genuinely vote with their feet.

The election on the 25th will most probably give Artur Mas the majority he needs to rule the roost and push through a pan-Iberian fiefdom referendum, but I’d be surprised if he pushes for a referendum too soon – why bother when a/ there’s a gigantic possibility it won’t get the majority vote given that the rest of Spain has a say and b/he can continue to play Comte d’Catalunya and blame Madrid when things go wrong. An independent Catalunya would mean accountability, international/sovereign compliance and would require a massive learning curve in governance – better to secure a majority rule, get the €5 Billion out of Madrid to pay off the debt and play King of an oppressed and occupied people… when the voting public become completely disillusioned in about 3 years, and re-election is looking a bit risky, push for the referendum then, stir up the anti-Madrid sentiment again and blag your way to another term in office.

PP, who let’s face it, are as despicable and incompetent as the rest of them are mounting a counter-campaign, the posters say Cataluña Sí, España También (Cataluña yes, Spain too), it pains me to say it, but they’re right – it’s the only way to secure the financial security of Cataluña and to keep the ideals of Catalunya and the Catalan culture alive, with functioning schools, public services, jobs, industry, arts and… hope.

[jonsmith-writer]

On... Baby-changing bags

Description: A Changing Bag is a posh term for any large bag that you begin to use to cart around nappies, wipes, creams and all the other associated gubbins. If your partner chooses one it may well be ‘baby themed’ which means light pastel colours, embroidered bears or ducks, with lots of handy external pockets that only seem to be big enough to carry lipsticks and compact mirrors. If you choose the Changing Bag it will be unnecessarily large, probably black and double as a rucksack. Either way you simply can’t function as a parent on the move without one. Get shopping, before she does.

Pros: Assuming that you remember to replace empty packets of wipes, and there’s always at least three nappies in the bag at any one time, your trips out of the house should always remain problem-free.

Cons: The Changing Bag soon becomes a general kit bag and briefcase. Every few months you will decide to sort out the nappy bag and inside you’ll find every ballpoint pen you ever owned, two important letters that needed to be posted a week ago and some form of mushy fruit that’s found its way into the workings of your mobile phone. The bigger the bag, the more useless rubbish you will end up carting around. What’s it all about? A Changing Bag will become your mobile life over the coming years and therefore it is important to ensure it has enough space for baby’s stuff and for your stuff. If you’re a family that likes to do things at the weekend, ensure it’s big enough for all of your partner’s stuff too because, paradoxically, as the Changing Bag gets bigger her handbag will get proportionally smaller. That’s not a coincidence, nor is it just by chance that you get to carry it all the time. So, I stress again, if you’re the one who will be lumbered with it you should be the one who chooses it.

Bloke’s Rating: The beast-of-burden role will not end when your child is nappy-trained. Oh no. Now you’ve got to exchange the nappy bag for a quite-capable-of-walking-by-herself toddler who wants to ride on daddy’s shoulders.

[jonsmith-writer]

On... Baby legwarmers

Description: A bit like tights that don’t go all the way up. Think Fame! and you’ll be on the right track. Baby Leg Warmers are lengths of material – usually horribly garish in appearance – that are worn on baby’s legs for protection against the cold and protection against gravel and uneven surfaces when crawling. They make you dance better too. Put a pair of these on your child and she’ll be pirouetting before she can walk in a straight line – well, maybe not, but it will be a lot less painful crawling round the garden.

Pros: Fashion statement aside, Baby Leg Warmers will provide an extra layer of warmth whenever you are changing a nappy or Baby’s clothes. Leg Warmers are superb during those awkward spring and autumn months when it’s not that warm and yet not cold enough to bring out the winter wear.

Cons: There’s no two ways about it: your child will look daft wearing Leg Warmers. Maybe the world is wrong to judge a baby on his or her wardrobe, but the world will still judge and everyone knows a three month-old can’t buy things in shops, so they’ll guess that the fashion freak must actually be you. If the guilt of making your child a fashion victim doesn’t get you, remember that Leg Warmers are not tights and therefore there is nothing other that gravity and elastic keeping them up. Leg warmers become ankle warmers and baby becomes positively obsessed with taking them off – you’ve only got yourself to blame.

What’s it all about? The idea is sound, but they were obviously designed by someone who doesn’t have kids and probably used to be a good but not a great dancer. It’s hard enough to keep socks on a child, no matter what the age, and you’ve got shoes to help keep them strapped on. Leg Warmers look good for about five seconds and then it all goes drastically wrong from there. Bloke’s Rating: I wanna live forever / I wanna learn how to wear trousers…

[jonsmith-writer]

On... Baby gloves

Description: You don’t need me to tell you what gloves are, but you do need to remember that you have two options – gloves with fingers and mittens. Pros: Gloves without separate fingers – mittens – are the way forward for both babies and toddlers. They are easy to put on and as long as they stay on, they’ll be keeping your baby’s hands warm while you’re out and about.

Cons: Gloves with fingers are generally a waste of money for babies and toddlers – their fingers will never slide easily into the right finger space and you’ll waste valuable minutes trying to sort it all out. Go for the mitten option – all you need to find is the thumb.

What’s It All About? Make sure that any gloves you buy have Velcro or popper wrist fasteners in an attempt to keep them on baby’s hands. It’s not such a bad idea to use a length of elastic to attach them to baby’s coat sleeves – yes, he or she will look a bit nerdy, but so what? It beats having to buy fourteen pairs of gloves every winter. As with hats, just because you don’t tend to wear gloves doesn’t mean that you should make that fashion choice for your little boy or girl – your fingers might be nice and toasty while you exercise your muscles pushing the pram, but poor little baby is sat quite still in front of you and that cuttingly cold wind is chilling her exposed fingers fast.

Bloke’s Rating: Essential, but impossible to keep on their hands. Expect to given ‘the stare of hatred’ by little old ladies looking at you for being such a cruel bastard when your baby has lost the umpteenth pair of gloves and is riding along in the pushchair with what could soon become a nasty dose of frostbite.

[jonsmith-writer]

On... Baby hats

Description: You know, a hat. A bit of material that you put on your head to keep it warm or cool. Well, your baby’s head that is. From the sublime to the sophisticated, from the serious to the silly, there’s a whole raft of hats for sale, specially designed for kids.

Pros: Err. Well, a winter hat will keep baby warm and a summer hat will keep him feeling cool. Simple really. In all seriousness we lose 70% of all our body heat through our heads. That’s absolutely incredible. If Baby goes hatless in the winter he’s going to feel the cold very fast and it doesn’t really make much difference how warm his coat is. Hats are generally quite cheap and there is no shame in building up a bit of a collection. There’s a hat for every conceivable weather system.

Cons: Make sure any hat you buy has straps, a buckle, elastic, a ribbon, a jubilee clip or anything in fact that means the hat can somehow fasten under the chin – it’s the only way the thing is going to stay on. Add at least another five minutes to the ‘getting-out-of-the-house-takes nearly-half-an-hour’ routine.

What’s It All About: Just because you prefer not to wear hats, or for that matter even wear a jacket when you’re out and about does not mean that your daughter doesn’t need those items of clothing either. Leave the box of hats, scarves and gloves at or near the door so that you have to physically walk past it to get out of the house.

Bloke’s Rating: Essential, but expect to lose a few over the years.

[jonsmith-writer]

On... Winter baby suits

Description: In no other garment can a child look so cuddly and cute as well as utterly pathetic at the same time. His legs and arms don’t seem to work properly, nor do they fill all of the available space. Baby appears to be wrapped in so many thermal layers, it’s a complete surprise he doesn’t start to boil.

Pros: The temperature of babies can change drastically in a matter of minutes. They are not very good at regulating themselves and the adding or removing of layers has an instant effect. When you want or need to brave the winter elements with a baby, you must ensure they are as toasty as possible, and that is exactly what a body suit will guarantee.

Cons: Other than you having to remember to unzip the body suit once you are safely inside the warmth of your home, or other destination, there isn’t much to say against them. Do adjust the straps on the baby car seat and the pushchair in advance, to allow for the extra bulk of material. I suppose that the downside is that these things can be quite pricey and, given how fast babies grow, you really will only get one season’s wear out of the thing – but that’s pretty much true of all baby clothes and maybe it’s just another great excuse to buy more next year.

What’s it all about? On the Piste or not, it’s the only chance you’ll get to dress him up in an all-in-one bright yellow snowsuit.

Bloke’s Rating: A real photo opportunity – oh, and it will keep your son very warm.

[jonsmith-writer]

On... Clothing for babies

Whether you are a fan of designer clothes or not, it’s of paramount importance that you equip your child with the vast array of clothes necessary to exist in modern-day Britain. By that I mean she needs to be prepared for the best and the worst of weather systems. It’s all very well buying a selection of t-shirts for every day of the week, but what happens during the winter of discontent, when temperatures drop, natural gas is too expensive and you are not allowed to burn anything in your fireplace? You go shopping is what you do. Kitting out your offspring doesn’t stop with clothes and apparel, oh no. The list of gadgets and products you need or are encouraged to buy as a parent, is endless and you’ll need to start buying some of it right now. Some decisions you will be making in the near future will be very important – especially the question of whether to use disposable or reusable nappies. Other decisions – like having a fancy-dress costume for every day of the week – are more down to what interests your child and how much you are willing to spend on them. Everything on offer does have a use, but it will be down to you as parents to decide whether you actually need them or not.

[jonsmith-writer]

On... Baby walkers

Description: Although this toy is very traditional, they are in fact incredibly contemporary – maybe not in design, but certainly in the choice of materials used. It is still possible to get a baby walker with wooden blocks but most are large plastic A-frames with all manner of knobs, squeaky things, buttons and dials to entertain and amuse your child.

Pros: Walkers, whether they’re made from plastic or wood are great devices to encourage Baby to stand on his own two feet. They provide support for your child’s first steps and give them the taste of independent walking while still being able to hold on to something. Long after Baby is walking unaided the walker is still lots of fun to push around.

Cons: If you go for the wooden block walker then be warned that your child will hide a block somewhere that is inaccessible to you or Mum and without fail you will be blamed for the loss of the brick because it went missing on your watch. Walkers are sturdy and therefore when they are aggressively introduced to skirting boards and wooden doors they tend to leave a mark, or a chip, or a dent. Or all three. If there are older children in the house then, at some stage, the walker will be ‘borrowed’ and no doubt broken.

What’s it all about? Simple but effective, these Zimmer-frames for kids are a firm favourite in every household. Especially useful on cold or wet days when you want to encourage exercise but can’t leave the house.

Bloke’s Rating: Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart…

[jonsmith-writer]

On... Playpens

Description: A play area for babies contained within mesh sides or bars. Usually playpens are a little larger than a cot, some have handy gates to get baby in and out. Playpens have nice soft floorings and once you’ve added a few of her favourite toys, it’s an Aladdin’s cave of fun for the little one.

Pros: Assuming that your child is happy to be penned in, then the playpen is a fantastic invention allowing the caring parent to get on with other things, like the washing up which is still there from breakfast time. You can use the playpen to store lots of toys and when Baby is playing the tall sides keep most of the toys in. Babies who really like playpens can even fall asleep in mid-play and wake up again an hour later and keep on playing

Cons: Most children aren’t happy to be penned up in a confined area, especially once they start crawling. Playpens do seem like a great idea and our parents’ promise us that we were more than happy to spend the first sixteen years of our life in one, but it simply isn’t true, or at least it doesn’t seem to appeal to today’s kids as much as it appealed to our generation. The grass is always greener and babies can get very upset if they’re dumped in the playpen when everyone else is allowed to wander around and do what they want.

What’s it all about? Playpens work for some kids and not for others. Don’t be too disappointed if it doesn’t work out. Remember when choosing a playpen for your home that, even though they fold up, they’re not small.

Bloke’s Rating: Let your baby try out a playpen at someone else’s house before you buy one of these contraptions.

[jonsmith-writer]

On... Paddling pools

Description: Paddling pools can be straightforward inflatable containers to which you just add water, or they can be complex constructions featuring castles, slides and even trampoline attachments, but one thing is for sure, kids love them, and on a balmy summer’s afternoon, the larger ones can even accommodate Dad. Pros: Hours and hours and hours of fun.

Cons: There’s an obvious danger with water, no matter how shallow it is, so paddling pools can only ever be a supervised activity, but when the sun’s shining what other excuse do you need to spend a few hours out in the garden? Buy a pump – filling even the smallest of pools with lungpower alone will leave you dizzy and wallowing in self-pity at your failing, ageing cardio-vascular ability. Save yourself the shame.

Explaining a hosepipe ban to a three-year-old is never an easy argument to conduct. If you do find yourself caving in, finish off the day’s paddling by adding some bubbles and giving your child a good scrub – that way you are only giving your child an outdoor bath which no neighbour in their right mind is going to prevent you from doing. Tenuous, I know, but is has worked for us.

What’s it all about? Getting kids used to water is only going to help when it comes to learning how to swim. Although Britain is an island, it’s a big island and most of us don’t live next to the sea, nor can we afford a million visits to the swimming baths. A paddling pool is chlorine- and wee-free – well, it may only contain their wee, which is different – and far cheaper than a holiday for three in Greece.

Bloke’s Rating: Fun in the sun.

[jonsmith-writer]

On... Outdoor playsets

Description: Again there are a range of products available to suit every garden and every pocket, but what you want for your money is some kind of climbing apparatus, maybe a tunnel or two, a slide and sometimes a swing or a fire-fighter’s pole. In a nutshell, your very own activity park – with the added benefit of not having to share the features with that horrible snotty-nosed six-year old who terrorises your little boy at the public park. Outdoor Play sets are generally made from chunky plastic sections that all fit together very easily. There are still metal and wooden sets available, but they tend to be at the top end of the price bracket.

Pros: If you have got the space, and the cash, your garden gives you another option during the day to stimulate your child and keep their activity levels up as long as the weather is amenable. It’s a given that on the days when children play outside they seem to sleep and sometimes even eat better than when they are cooped up inside. Fresh air simply knackers them out – and that’s a good thing when it comes to bedtime. We’re not all fortunate enough to have a fantastic play park at the end of the road, and if there is a park at all it can sometimes be closed due to vandalism or other nefarious goings-on from the night before. Sometimes it can be a real effort to get to the local swings, especially if they’re not that local, and having an outside play option in your own garden or yard is a blessing both for Dad and for Baby.

Cons: There’s investing in your child and then there’s spoiling him rotten. You can spend hundreds or even thousands on an all-singing, all-dancing model. Just because you would have really liked to have had one when you were a little boy doesn’t necessarily mean that you should throw caution to the wind and laugh in the face of rising credit card debt.

Encouraging your child to climb – maybe before they are ready – can lead to nasty falls and your toddler getting scared, but equally we can’t coddle them stupid. I remember playing for hours on climbing frames and I lived to tell the tale, so it can’t be all that bad.

What’s it all about? Let your child taste the great outdoors as much as possible. Unfortunately they’re not old enough to appreciate the clean air and the birdsong quite yet, but they will enjoy climbing over something that’s bright purple and made of plastic.

Bloke’s Rating: Far better than watching telly.

[jonsmith-writer]

On... Baby swings

Description: A swing is big and bulky, but how much kudos does it add to a garden? Lots. Especially when you are planning to sell to newly-weds who either are already or soon will be planning to have children. Swings can also make the most boring and barren backyard look appealing and fun.

Pros: Introducing a swing to the garden may mean an accident or two over the coming few years, but you’ll still go ahead and buy one anyway. Most kids love swings – I say most because my son hates going anywhere near them. I might as well be offering him the chance to walk on broken glass given the expression of disgust and horror he pulls when I even mention the word. Maybe it’s just Ronin and every other child in the world loves swings – who knows? As well as regular swings which involve a simple length of plastic or wood for a child to sit on, you can of course buy baby swings, which have a cage around the seating area especially suitable for younger children who simply do not understand what it means to hold on, no matter how many times you might remind them.

There’s an additional benefit to swings, for Mummy and Daddy; I mean, you own it and it’s in your garden and if your partner wants to sit on it naked and you just happen to be standing opposite her, without any shorts and its dark and you… can make up the rest, it’s pretty obvious... That’s a bonus, isn’t it?

Cons: Occasional accidents. It’s not a dead cert but no matter how much time you spend on hand to monitor proceedings there’s always a chance that a momentary lapse in concentration will result in a bloodied knee and a bruised ego. When you’ve picked yourself up from the floor and brushed yourself down, you should wipe away your tears and let your child have a go on the swing and pretend the whole nasty incident never took place. Of course it also means the absolute and total destruction of the patch of grass directly below the swing – all that foot-scuffing will leave a permanent scar on your lawn.

What’s it all about? Learning to swing isn’t as straightforward as it may at first seem. My daughter, for example, has loved being on a swing from an early age but has only just accepted that she no longer needs Daddy to keep pushing her. She’s now five. Buying a swing is a commitment – you may well be hearing the plea, “Daddy, can you push me?” even during sub-zero temperatures, for many, many years to come.

Bloke’s Rating: Swing when you’re winning.

[jonsmith-writer]

On... Shape sorters

Description: Plastic or wood, it really doesn’t make much of a difference. This is basic problem solving and a game that you can very much involved in. The task at hand is to squeeze the correct coloured shape through the corresponding hole. Not dissimilar to your or my own attempts to make babies in the first place – simple, yet tricky, and it’s a lot of fun trying.

Get it right and the piece of wood or plastic falls into the box underneath, get it wrong and it feels like banging your head against a wall. Despite the fact that all young children are easily frustrated, for some bizarre reason they will persist with a shape-sorter until they get it right. Observing a toddler on a mission to succeed is a sight in itself – the bloody-minded determination is a lesson to us all. Why it stops with the shape-sorter and doesn’t continue when it comes to eating vegetables is a complete mystery, but there you go.

Pros: To watch your own child struggle with the effort of trying to squeeze a large circle through a small square is a lesson in self-control. Yes, you want Baby to understand the concept and succeed at the task; yes, you will find it difficult not to rip the piece of plastic from your own son’s hands in a bid to complete the puzzle, but once you leave your frustration behind it becomes a fascinating psychological experiment watching them fail again and again. Please remember that it may seem very straightforward to you that the yellow triangle shape fits into the yellow triangle hole – but you’ve had experience of such matters.

Cons: The first few weeks of using a shape-sorter can be very trying. Baby is determined to squeeze the rhombus shape into the oval hole and it just isn’t happening. Net result: the tears start flowing and your small child starts hitting you and then throws small pieces of plastic across the room. Hey, this is supposed to be fun, you say to yourself, over and over like a mantra. And it is. Persevere. Give it a few weeks and suddenly you’ll realise that you have a little Einstein on your hands. All of those shapes and all of those options and suddenly the blue shape fits in the blue hole and the small circle accidentally fits in the large square hole – and everything is complete.

How sweet the moment when your toddler suddenly gets it and begins to systematically place the correct piece in the correct hole – all at once you appreciate your child on a completely different level. You’re not just giving marks out of ten for cuteness; you’re beginning to see their cognitive abilities and I don’t think there’s anything that’ll give you a warmer, fuzzier glow.

What’s it all about? Reasoning and problem-solving all begins at the toddler stage of development. A child who does not have the joy and challenge of a shape-sorter hasn’t lived. We all meet challenges on a daily basis which can prove frustrating and irrational. Although we all want the best for our kids, we also have to prepare them for the real world – even if they are a mere eighteen months old. Let them experiment with the shape-sorter. Only through failure will they succeed.

Bloke’s Rating: Do your child a favour: buy a shape-sorter, encourage them, share their frustration of getting it wrong and equally, share their joy of getting it right. Bear in mind that if they can manage a shape-sorter then the next stop is managing director of a large Plc. You think I’m joking? Well, just wait and see.

[jonsmith-writer]

On... Push and Pull-along toys

Description: Whether it is a caterpillar, dog or random unidentified animal on a string, it really doesn’t matter. Sometimes babies bond to their pull-along toys as if there might actually be a maternal or paternal bond. Don’t worry: this is obviously a load of rubbish. They really do love you, but sometimes a bright red dog or a yellow caterpillar just has more appeal to your little one. Sorry, Dad. Babies love pull/push along toys – it is a simple indisputable fact. You can’t really complain too much about jealousy. It was probably you who bought the thing in the first place!

Pros: The first toys that our children choose to play with, in a way, begin to define them as human beings. Our daughter took a particular fancy to a blanket which was given to her as one of many first-birthday presents. Our son was given a small blue bunny rabbit – a toy, not the real thing – and that has been his favourite since the day he first learnt to grab. These are the items that our children simply can’t live without, but the veritable army of push/pull along toys that have massed under the stairs and in every single cupboard in our house come a close second. There are simple wooden pull-alongs, like the classic nodding spotty dog and then there are the complex noisy plastic musical pull-alongs that offend the local cat population and for some strange reason never seem to run out of batteries.

Cons: Having children adds a decibel or two to the general ambience of a home. Part of the increased noise will be the emissions from your son and heir, but Push/Pull Along Toys make their own significant contribution. The simple wooden pull-along toys that clatter away to themselves are fine, but the plastic electronic versions are a complete pain in the arse. Not only will they annoy you throughout the day, but just as you’ve got the little one off to sleep in the evening and you’re tidying up the mess, you’ll trip over one of the little fuckers. It only takes one small flick, movement or a blatant kick and you’ll end up with a high-volume Casio concerto on seemingly endless repeat. There’s nothing worse than waking your baby up to the sound of his favourite toy. If you’ve ever wondered why people throw things into canals – here’s the answer. What’s it all about? Hours of fun for your precious babes, but choose your toy wisely, or you’re chucking money down the drain – or in the canal, to be more precise.

Bloke’s Rating: You can’t escape push/pull along toys, so don’t even try. There is definitely a photo opportunity to be had with the little one dragging a large green plastic caterpillar along the floor – but wise is the dad who refuses to put batteries in right from the start. What they don’t know won’t hurt them.