After working as a matchmaker for so long, I've started to doubt science a bit. Because you never know what kind of outrageous demands your next client will make.
Yesterday, a 32-year old female boss who owns her company contacted me. Elementary school graduate, earns 6 million RMB annually, owns a house and a car, and with an attractive appearance. She said, Teacher Hei, I have no financial requirements regarding the man's financial situation; an annual salary of over 100,000 RMB is sufficient. I can buy the house and car, but I have three hard conditions; they must all be met.
I said, as long as it's not illegal or against the law, I'll try my best to help you meet them.
She said, firstly, the man must be born on the second day of the second lunar month, on the day the Dragon Raises its Head. Even a day off is unacceptable.
I said fine.
Second, the man's name must contain the character for rain or water.
I said fine.
Third, and most importantly, he must be able to summon rain.
I said, what?
She said, he must be able to summon rain, the kind of ability that can make rain fall from the heavens.
I said, do you mean you want me to help you find a Dragon King?
She said, "Are you crazy? I'm seriously looking for a partner."
To be honest, after she yelled at me like that, I couldn't tell for a moment who was the lunatic.
She said, her grandma said she was lacking the element of water in her life, so she must find a man who can call the wind and rain, or else she will not live well in this lifetime.
I said, Lady, is there a possibility that rain isn't something you can simply pray for? It is part of a hydrologic system that will only happen when the cycle is complete.
She said, I've been to school, so of course I know. I'm not looking for someone who can 100% call the wind and rain. That would be too difficult.
I said, so what do you mean?
She said, I only require that the likelihood of rain be higher whenever I'm with him.
I said, isn't that still asking for rain?
She said, I already said it's not about controlling the weather absolutely. It's a kind of metaphysics, a feeling, a probability. Are you unable to find a candidate that meets my requirements, which is why you're going around in circles with me?
I said, Lady, is this still only a matter of whether I can meet your requirements or not? I need to confirm whether you're looking for a human being or a deity?
She said, I'm looking for a human being.
I said, "Then tell me, besides the director of the Bureau of Meteorology, who else can fit your requirements?"
She said Jam Hsiao (Taiwanese singer nicknamed 'the Rain God').
I said, "Damn it! Don't I know he's the Rain God? If I could recruit Jam Hsiao to be my male client, would I still be beating around the bush with you? I'm a matchmaker. My male clients still need to eat at lunchtime when they are hungry, work overtime in the evening, and drink soda when they are thirsty. They're ordinary people, not gods or dragon kings, and certainly not people who can summon wind and rain.
"Even if there is a Dragon King, none of his nine sons meet your requirements, because their names don't contain the character for water!!"
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