love me just for now

if the pain is endless, how can i live?

[alice--griffin-deactivated20191]

alone

[jordan---fairfield]

alice--elliot‌:

She gave Jordan a weak smile, appreciating her kindness and willingness to listen but her smile faded as quickly as it had appeared when she realized she was going to have to voice the grim news. Voice shaky, she said “Um.. Alec left. He left and I don’t know where he went and I don’t know what to do or when he’ll be back. Or if he’ll even be back at all…” She closed her eyes and tried to hold on to her composure but the tears fell anyway. “I just don’t know what to do…” she said again, almost at a whisper this time.

Jordan’s eyebrows angled down, eyes widening when Alice finally spoke. “He-- what?” They were just getting married a few months ago, seemed perfectly happy, and based on Alice’s reaction, it was as shocking to her as it was to someone on the outside. She’d seen her almost this distraught, afraid to be abandoned, before, but she’d known how to help then. She knew how it felt to have her heart broken by Pepper, but this was a different person, different relationship, different situation. “Jesus. That’s-- fucking horrible-- I’m sorry,” She stepped forward to pull Alice into a hug.

[jordan---fairfield]

pc: neal walters (instagram)

[jordan---fairfield]

Jordan had just finished her first chemistry midterm, cried a little on the train ride back uptown, and hurriedly packed a bag for the night. She typically spent at least part of the weekend with Romi, and after the last two stressful exam weeks, she was very much in need of unwinding, preferably sexually. Otherwise, the release of the tension would most likely be emotional, and she knew that wasn’t what this relationship was about. She’d touched up her face, tousled her hair a little, and taken off her bra, and was now standing outside Romi’s door, having knocked lightly and sent her a text. “Hey,” She smiled when the door opened. “I’m a free woman. No exams for about a month. Which means chemistry no longer owns my ass-- you do.”

( @romi--weiss​ )

[pop-punk-girls]

you are my yellow lovely

[dannymcflys]

but we can’t say that we never tried i guess everything seems more clear here on the other side

[alice--griffin-deactivated20191]

alone

[jordan---fairfield]

alice--elliot‌:

Alice was relieved to see her friend but she practically crumpled when the blonde asked her if she was okay. Giving a small shake of her head, it was almost as if, just for a moment, she was transported back to the days at Glendale where Jordan had seen Alice heartbroken, afraid of losing Pepper to Gina, and drowning her sorrows with a bottle in the basement. All of that felt like eons ago now. She looked down at the containers in Jordan’s hands and almost burst into tears right then and there. It was such a simple yet kind gesture. “No, I’m not…” she said softly. “Um… Do you want to come in? It’s kind of a mess in here, I’m sorry…” The apartment wasn’t so much a mess as it was cold and empty. The orange Halloween lights that had lit up the room the week before were turned off, there was mail strewn all about the kitchen island, and the silence was simply deafening. Once the door shut behind Jordan, Alice cleared her throat and turned on a light. “Thank you so much for bringing this over, that was really sweet of you..” she said, trying to keep herself together, her throat threatening to break her voice into a million pieces at any moment.

Jordan pursed her lips at Alice’s reaction: this wasn’t a crying in the library because of the fucking chemistry exam review and the fact that the 10 am exam starts in 6 hours and there’s not enough time in the day for this much math and critical thinking when you factor in eating and showering and walking around the whole damn city type of breakdown-- that kind of emotional distress was more immediately overwhelming, worked through within a few minutes, typically, before soldiering on and accepting the reality of sleeping for 4 hours and hoping the test is curved. This was an issue that deteriorated slowly, hurt more, felt hopeless-- this seemed worse even than the last time she’d seen Alice vulnerable. She nodded and stepped inside, glancing around before placing the baked goods in an available space on the counter. “Of course... what’s wrong?” She almost wondered if someone had died-- that seemed plausible, based on the circumstances. “You can tell me.”

[jordan--fairfield]

[alice--griffin-deactivated20191]

alone

The apartment had been quiet for the last few weeks but within the past few days, it had been dead silent. It had been four days since Alec had packed a bag and left. She’d begged him not to go, had tried to convince him that they could work through everything, but he’d insisted that for her safety, he had to leave for now. In the end, she’d finally stopped fighting it and let him go. Alice thought that his ‘wanting to keep her safe’ was just a kind white lie–he hadn’t had the heart to tell her that he just didn’t want her anymore. She’d waited for him to call her, to let her know that he was safe but so far, she hadn’t heard anything. What had been a strict routine of going to class and then coming home to study was inevitably broken and Alice hadn’t left the apartment since Alec had walked out the door. She’d missed a full week of classes, had barely eaten, and all of a sudden, taking a shower required a great amount of effort. Normally, in stressful situations, Alice would get strong unbearable urges to use but they weren’t there this time–or maybe they were but the silence was too deafening to even register them. Then again, this wasn’t a stressful situation: it was absolutely devastating. Today, she hadn’t gotten out of bed until around 11, though she’d been up for hours. Once she was up, she had thrown on one of Alec’s t-shirts and planted herself on the couch. She supposed that her plan was to wait there until he came back. After all, he’d promised that eventually, he’d be back. At first, she’d tried to read but she kept losing her place so she’d turned on the TV but that soon bored her. Eventually, she’d just turned the television off and sat there in silence. After what had seemed like an eternity, she heard a knock at the door and she felt her heart practically jump out of her chest. Leaping up from the couch and running to the door, she smiled as she swung it open, expecting to see her husband there on the other side–so she couldn’t help but be heartbroken when she found someone else standing in the hallway, someone who wasn’t Alec. Unable to hide her disappointment, she said “Oh, I’m sorry. I just… I thought you were someone else…”

[jordan---fairfield]

Jordan prided herself on knowing too much about other people’s business. And since she worked weird hours, she was able to get a pretty good idea of her friends’ normal schedules: Alice was a student, not a huge partier, but might occasionally go out with friends, certainly not a hermit-- so it was odd that she hadn’t seen her in a week. She figured it was just a minor case of seasonal depression starting up, as the sun was setting earlier and it was getting cooler, or maybe she’d had a sinus infection or something. Either way, she was pretty sure a friendly welfare check and some food would help. She’d originally planned to come with Pepper, but she’d been called into the tattoo parlor. But the pumpkin chocolate chip cookies and apple pie were already in the oven, or waiting to be, so Jordan decided to come on her own, dessert still warm. She tried not to look too surprised when Alice answered the door. She immediately thought of Pepper, how she’d looked after missing school and not responding to her texts and not getting out of that suffocating bed for god knew how long, standing in the doorway with her clothes swallowing her like a sick child-- Jordan had to blink herself out of the memory, or she’d fall too far into the past. “Hey. Are you okay? I haven’t seen you around, so I brought some-- fall treats-- um-- you good?”

[jordan---fairfield]

[jordan---fairfield]

[jordan---fairfield]

// sitting in your sweatshirt, crying in the backseat

happiness is a butterfly, try to catch it like, every night it escapes from my hands into moonlight every day is a lullaby hum it on the phone like, every night sing it for my babies on the tour life

if he’s a serial killer, then what’s the worst that can happen to a girl who’s already hurt? i’m already hurt if he’s as bad as they say, then i guess i’m cursed looking into his eyes, i think he’s already hurt he’s already hurt

[nickiporter]

Nicki wasn’t big into drinking, but when the other girls in her conservatory ordered shots, she couldn’t decline. She didn’t want to be the only one there sober and bored. She told herself it was experience, and that it would be good for her as an artist. She downed the shot and immediately felt sick from the taste. She looked to her friend. “I have to pee.” She walked away from the girls, ready to go vomit in the bathrooms. She ran into a person and someone’s drink got shoved, spilling onto her white shirt. “Are you kidding me right now?”

[jordan---fairfield]

Jordan hadn’t planned on attending the rave, but it seemed like a good opportunity to get drunk, high, or laid-- or any combination of the three-- so she’d decided to go for it. If it was a bust, she’d just leave early, pick up food, and eat in front of her TV in sweatpants. She was cracking open a White Claw just to get the night started when someone slammed into her side, splashing the hard seltzer on another girl. “Shit,” She gave the person who’d bumped her a look, but turned her attention to the clearly-irritated young woman. “Sorry, it’s fucking crowded in here. I don’t really know what to say-- ain’t no laws when you’re drinkin’ claws? Maybe there’s a hand dryer somewhere.”

[jordan---fairfield]

clarirhds‌:

“Two minutes can feel like forever and you’re thinking, ‘they definitely stood me up’.” Clarissa joked, grinning. She didn’t usually feel nervous on dates with guys, and she thought it had to do with the fact that she wanted to settle down with a woman. With guys there was no pressure, she wanted some free food and sex. With girls, it was always, ‘is this it?’. “They’re cute,” Clarissa said after taking a peak at Jordan’s heels. “Kind of chill. I worked half a day. Then I-” shit, this was always the part that set people apart, “picked my daughter up and took her to the grocery store. Not such a good idea.”

“Oh, yeah. I still can’t believe there are actually people who think it’s okay to just not show up to things, but-- it suddenly becomes really plausible when you’re staring into your drink for more than like, a minute.” Jordan approached a lot of dates guarded, figured she knew how they’d end, but it was nice to know Clarissa was a little-- nervous or unsure of the dating scene, too. Not because she wanted everyone to be as insecure as she’d become, but because it made her seem more-- invested. Like she actually cared how the night went. “Thanks. I’m usually not a heels girl, but I’m glad I jazzed the look up a bit.” She tried not to look surprised when she mentioned her daughter-- just smiled, allowed her eyebrows to lift a little. Woah. She’d never even had a long-term relationship-- or any official relationship-- and this girl-- woman-- already had a whole daughter? It wasn’t bad, just-- unexpected. “Oh, cool, I didn’t know you had a kid.” Jesus, was Jordan even a real functioning adult yet? “Uh oh-- what went down at the store?”

[jordan---fairfield]

clarirhds‌:

Clarissa chuckled, the bartender placing a new drink in front of her. “No, I haven’t been waiting. You’re good.” She got nervous now that Jordan was sitting down. Introductions was the easier part, now she had to keep calm and normal in a real conversation. Her mind was a little off since Zelda came to live with her, like her thoughts were consumed by the girl. “What did you go with?”

Jordan was relieved to hear she hadn’t been too late, and gave her a thumbs-up. “Oh, good. I swear, when you’re waiting on a date, time is warped in the worst way possible. Maybe I’m just always too nervous,” She grinned as she tilted her head down toward her shoes. “Just some heels. I thought about Vans and some super gay sandals I have, but I figured I’d look too casual.” She gave a small nod and smile in the direction of the bartender to indicate she was ready to order, then asked them for a rum and coke when they approached. Turning back to Clarissa, she rested her chin in her palm. “What’s your day been like so far?”

[jordan---fairfield]

// white lines and black beaches

high tops in the summer don’t be a bummer, babe be my undercover lover, babe don’t be a bummer, babe

( @romi--weiss )

[tonightalivephotos]

[jordan---fairfield]

romi--weiss‌:

“Oh, shit, I guess you’re right,” she chuckled, feeling a little silly. “Yeah, I’m sure there’s Tylenol somewhere in there.” She knew it was part of her job but Romi really did admire Jordan and all her medical knowledge. She nodded in agreement and said “Oh, we definitely did go hard last night. I mean, I don’t about you but I had a great time. Are you… Are you okay with what we did last night?” She wanted to make sure that Jordan had felt comfortable and hadn’t felt pressured to do lines simply because Romi had been doing them. She chuckled and nodded in agreement and turned to smile at Jordan before heading to the kitchen. Once she was alone in the kitchen, she headed to her bag and grabbed the small ‘makeup bag’ that contained her stash, a dollar, and a razor, and a key before disappearing into the bathroom in the entryway. Once the door was locked, she turned on the sink and prepared a single bump. The second it hit her system, she felt a wave of relief wash over her and she felt a rush of adrenaline. Putting everything back in her small bag, she flushed the toilet, turned the sink off, and opened the door. Grabbing two water bottles out of the fridge, she walked back into the bedroom, handed a bottle to Jordan, and laid back in bed. “So what do you want to do today?”

“Okay, cool. It might not be a big deal, but-- my nose is in a fragile state at the moment,” Jordan grinned, not wanting to seem critical of Romi’s medical care-- she never wanted to take her morning-after presence for granted. If this thing went sideways, she’d be right back to her old routine, which didn’t involve anywhere near this level of tenderness. “Oh-- yeah, it was fine! I’m afraid I was too much for, like, everyone, but I definitely had fun. I have my own chaotic energy, so-- that really had me-- amped. In a good way. Minor regrets at the moment, but-- that’s to be expected, I guess.” Jordan had never been one to do drugs, other than marijuana, but at this point, that was about as much of a drug as a tobacco cigarette. She’d definitely been more open to it all recently, more drinking, more snorting, pretty much whatever she was offered or could buy herself. And she knew it wasn’t good, but she didn’t have a solution. It felt better than she’d expected, and she understood why people did it, and it was a distraction. Once Romi had left, she finally dove into her phone’s camera roll-- and immediately cringed. Most of the people she’d taken blurry selfies with were strangers, and Jesus, she looked way more fucked up than she’d been picturing. She deleted most of them before her phone could make a compilation video with inappropriately wholesome music, but kept a few that featured Romi. Just ‘cause. Why not? She locked her phone and gently tossed it so it landed in one of her Vans that was lying by the bed, smiling as Romi walked back in. She took the water with a thank youuu, flipping onto her side so she could see her more easily. “I mean-- I was thinking, like, be a lazy shitbag, but if you have any better ideas that don’t involve using my brain too much, I’m open.”