jordankbieber @jordankbieber - Tumblr Blog

I’ll be sitting in the back of the bar at a table for two. I’ll hope you stop by but it’s okay if you don’t. I hope the meals you’re now sharing with someone else leave you full and satisfied.

I miss the stimulating conversations we shared in broad daylight and under the neon moon. The kinds of conversations most people only have when they’ve sipped a few too many drinks. I’ve come to understand that perhaps we weren’t meant to be friends forever, but my goodness how nice it could’ve been.

During our time together you taught me so much. The meaning of real friendship. The ability to believe in yourself and your own potential. The power of self love and confidence and how to find the beauty in everything.

Even now that we’re apart, you continue to teach me. I have learned to enjoy people as they come and go because nothing nor no one is permanent. Sometimes people remain only for a few chapters meanwhile others remain through several books of the series. Give and take what you can meanwhile savoring it all.

… but in the end I’d plant more trees if I must just to have more paper for you. I’ll continue to wait at that table with an open tab in case we need to order a drink as we catch up on everything we’ve missed if and when you stop by.

I really like everything about you.

I like the way you look in that hat.

I like it when you wear that quarter zip sweatshirt and have it zipped up.

I like how tall you are and how you tower over me.

I like how you make me feel physically small when I’m usually the tallest person in the room.

I like the look of your hands, your fingers are long and slender, fingernails clean and cut.

I like the sound of your voice.

I like the sound of your laugh.

I like it when you share with me.

I like it when you look for me.

I like the way you walk.

I like it when you lean in to talk to me.

I like it when you smile.

I like it when you wink at me.

I like it the way I feel when you’re around.

I like the way you let your beard grow out after I told you how great you look with it.

There’s just so much I like about you but the one thing I love…

I just love the way your eyes look when you’re looking at me.

juliaxyn

Work until you no longer have to introduce yourself.

just a glance. all I got was a glance and the feelings all came rushing back to the surface. You could see it in my face, my eyes widened and they lit. My skin began to feel warm and my hands began to shake. Suddenly there was a montage of every moment we shared playing back in my mind. your presence is dominant, the chemistry was so overwhelming it became like nicotine, addicting, making the withdrawals rough.

y pensar que mientras tu estas es las redes buscando alguien con quien salir, alguien con quien compartir tu tiempo y alguien que te quiera aquí estoy yo desvelándome por pensar en ti. No puedo ni voltear a mirar a otro hombre sin compáralo a ti o desear que el que me está coqueteando en ese momento fueras tu.

I wish I was in love. Let me rephrase and elaborate that… I wish I was in love with someone else just so I had no feelings for you. I wish I could meet someone who would captivate my heart and mind so that there would be no association no remaining link between the two of us.

But that doesn’t sound fair does it? Not to me, not to him. He deserves the best of me. He deserves my undivided love and attention. He deserves me completely and wholeheartedly, not in half, not the remaining pieces of your betrayal. He deserves much more than you gave me. And I deserve the best. I deserve more than what you gave me. I deserve consistency and proactive attentions, I deserve clarity and conciseness. We all deserve the pure and honest love someone has to offer before they got their heart broken.

I want to start over. I want a fresh start. I want a clean slate. I want to go to a place where people know my name but nothing about me. Even better if they knew nothing at all. I wish I could start over in a new place, as a new person.

Unfortunately, that’s not possible. All I have are mere opportunities to reinvent myself and become the person I envision in my head.

there’s people who were in my life this time last year or the year before who are no longer around. People who said they wouldn’t leave this time and others who said they wouldn’t ever leave. Today they are strangers who if we were to bump into each other in a random place wouldn’t come up to me to greet me or vice versa. The same people who once knew all my secrets and who’d share every detail of their life with me could pass me by as if we’d never met. It aches me quite a bit to think that it bothers none of us enough to make the effort to reconnect. It aches me more to know that even when I’ve tried it wasn’t enough for them to return the effort. We’ll one day meet as indifferent acquaintances unable to look each other in the eye. Simply to avoid the awkward “hello’s” and questions of “where did we go wrong?”

The only thing that consumes me is the grand feeling of missing them and the regret of not knowing the last time we spoke was the last time because if I had known then what I knew now I would’ve held on a little tighter and enjoyed every syllable a lot more.

maybe if I was the obviously beautiful kind of girl I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this today. maybe if I was funnier, cooler, maybe if my flirting wasn’t so ambiguous, maybe it was too obvious. maybe just maybe this entry would have a different plot.

I am yours even if you aren’t mine. my mind is comprised of nothing but thoughts and memories of you. my tongue refrains so often from speaking your name or speaking of you. my eyes wander and seek you. my body is carrying the weight of the pain of having to pretend im fine and concealing it all. my hands hold onto the hope of running into you one more time.

Although this makes me sound egotistical I really want you to notice the shift in my energy. I want you to realize that I liked you but moved on. I want you to question whether the possibility of reigniting those feelings within me still exists. I want you to question what happened within your mind so often that you have no choice but to ask me personally. I want you to ask those that know me what occurred. I want them to tell you about how I gave up and how I’m moving on. I want them to let you know that you missed your chance. I want your acquaintances to ask me what shifted and I want them to tell me you’ve mentioned it to them more than once. I want you to want to run into me or see me because I know you haven’t in a while and to you it feels odd especially after seeing me all the time. The next time I see you I want you to ask where I’ve been and whether I’ve been hiding from you just so I can present myself with a demeanor you might not recognize. I won’t be rude and I won’t be plain but I also won’t be the girl you were used to seeing. I really grew tired of being an accessory to you. I wasn’t fond of the idea of being treated like show dog you bring out to show off to your friends.

The synchronicities of life just really blow my mind. It just goes beyond me how everything and everyone in our lives whether they be here for seasons or permanently perfectly intertwine with the growth we are destined to achieve. They perfectly mold into the roles they are meant to play at that certain point in time and simultaneously they are helping mold you into the person you are meant to become.

The current people in my life would’ve never been there if I didn’t get to the places I am in right now. I would’ve never met them if I didn’t attend this class or work at this store. It’s crazy to think how hard I tried to get a job at one store and was bummed when it didn’t work out. Cut to where I am today and thinking of the people I have met and the person I have become and how none of it would have been possible if one thing would’ve been different.

I can only begin to think of the many things I have desired but didn’t get and the things I want and may or may not get in the future that will also perfectly align with how the future is destined to be. This leads me to trust and urges me to keep faith that in the end, it will all work out in my favor.

I don’t mean to sound narcissistic. I am not confident enough to believe I am the best you could have ever had. I am sure you have options available and perhaps you have a new girl each weekend. However, I can for sure say that I was willing and capable of giving you so much. Although I am a newcomer, and not even that, to anything related to relationships, love, or feelings I was willing to learn from you and set my fears, embarrassing/feelings to the side. All for the mere opportunity of being with you. I listened to and tried so hard to consume every bit of attention and information you gave me. In some silly manner, it made me feel/believe like you were letting me in.

I couldn’t have been more foolish. You knew exactly how much attention to give me to keep me hanging from your thread. You knew the effect you had on me and you used it to your advantage. You may have used it to raise your ego. You may have used it to gloat to your friends about the stupid and naive young girl who likes you but you have no intentions of acting on.

It’s taken me some time to remove the rose-colored glasses but the view has begun to get clearer and clearer. Before we know it you’ll just be another person I see on a daily. You will have little to no effect on me. You will recognize that I treat you no differently than the rest. You will begin to reminisce about when you were my favorite. You might even miss it. By then, it will be too late. I have always been proud of my ability to never like someone again once I am over them. I can guarantee that when I am over you I will be fully over you. No attention you give me, no smile, no wink, no action will get me to swoon at your sight anymore. Maybe then you’ll begin to hold me in the same regard I held you in just yesterday, but by then there will be nothing you could do about it.

In the end, I hope you find your match even if it wasn’t me. But know this, that match won’t be me. You’ll get older and your odds/prospects decrease. I’ll also get older but mine won’t.

-ka

I have watched too many romance movies, read a few romance novels, and played too many love songs to believe that love of that magnitude is possible. It definitely is possible, perhaps it just isn’t in the cards for me. Not at the moment, maybe never.

The idea of love in my life is just so much more fun in my head. I’d rather romanticize over the versions of people I create in my mind than pursue the reality of who they are.

In the end, I think it’s my fate to remain the girl who possesses the qualities that can make someone fall in love but to run away before that actually happens. I’ll attend weddings and wish it’ll be my turn next, but fail to get into a relationship. I’ll develop a crush on a guy then get over it when it begins to feel mutual. I’ll continue to be invited out and have never ending excuses as to why I can’t make it.

I’ll continue being the girl who invites love into her life but leaves the door locked and the lights off.

He is a daily passerby at this location. She’s the first thing he sees when he enters. He’s familiar and comfortable with no one else but her. She knows this. She waits patiently for his arrival everyday. “Sometime around 6 or 7 am”, she thinks. She pretends not to notice him when he enters and focuses on the person in front of her. He is already behind waiting his turn, staring at her and smiling. Two foolish adults who tease each other on a daily basis but this foolish girl cannot get herself to admit she likes him. Perhaps she never will, because despite their obvious chemistry she fails to believe she could be an object of his desire. She will continue to live for the long glances and the long smiles that make your face hurt rather than do anything about it. He will continue to believe she’s just being nice and she treats everyone with the same courtesy. Little does he know, this is one of the best parts of her day.

- ka (August 20, 2023)

I have envisioned and fantasized about this version of me in my head so much. She’s alive, she’s not just in the city, she’s a part of it. Many years living within reach yet never being able to explore it freely. Cut to age 25, spending everyday here not feeling like I quite belong, at least not entirely. I see the men and women in suits and fancy outfits strutting down the streets on their phones having what I could only imagine to be important work calls. Seeing two people come close in deep conversation discussing the new software they’re developing or how amazing their weekend was. I love seeing the people who come in everyday to grab their coffee before they start their day. I love knowing their names and for them to know mine. We greet each other because we are frequent acquaintances.

I have become part of this city and the people who make it go round. For me, it’s not enough. I want to run the city with them. I want to help it go ‘round. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon.

-ka (August 19, 2023)

Sometimes I want to blurt out how much I like you, but I stop myself. It’s a sensitive matter that I do not know how you’d handle it, or if you’d be able to. I’d like for you to know how often you cross my mind when something that associates you, your interests, or what you’ve told me about you life synchronizes it’s way into my own. I want to tell you about how now when I think of London I think of the time you told me how your sister met her British husband and now lives there. How you shocked my interests by being someone completely opposite to what I consider my “type.” Did you know that sometimes when I think of you angel numbers appear? No you don’t, and maybe you never will because it’s too delicate…

-k.a. (August 15, 2023)

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