https://www.wattpad.com/225928280-lilo-one-shots-solace
In which a distraught ex-lover wanders around the city of London, desperately seeking solace, from memories that haunt him.
How long would it take to walk around the entirety of London? A frivolous question, I suppose it is, but an interesting one nevertheless. It comes to mind as I step off the train at Victoria Station. The winter air is brisk and refreshing, after being confined in such a cramped train.
I haven't visited London is years. 3 years, 4 months, and 23 days, to be exact, however, my absence from the beautiful English city is not the only incentive for that countdown.
I stroll past a bulletin board, that is dripping from the morning condensation. The timber outlining the thin glass is splintering and disintegrating, the dodgy, pistachio green paint pealing away from the flaky wood, creating little piles of green dust on the pavement beneath it.
"Liam!" A chirpy voice calls from behind the morning fog.
I turn on my heels and focus on the direction in which I heard the soft, joyous voice. The light pattering of rushed footsteps gets louder and louder, as the small silhouette transforms into the visible being of my boyfriend, Louis.
"Lou, I've been waiting so long to see you!" I exclaim, wrapping my arms around his waist and bringing his body tightly to my chest, my lips pressing against his wintery neck.
And there we stand, embracing in front a vibrantly coloured, pristine bulletin board, and hundreds of busy London workers. My fingers aimlessly trace along the ridges and crevices of his spine, as I breathe in his scent of wild raspberry and coconut.
"You would not believe how long I've been waiting to come and see you!" Lou begins to ramble, pulling away from our embrace and looking up at me with wide, excited eyes. "I've been waiting weeks for this time off work! I really need to find a job so I can live here permanently! Oh! We could share an apartment together and decorate it with cheap thrift store bargains!"
Although a quaint existence of small, one room apartments and second-hand furniture is not appealing to most, if it meant I got to wake up to a warm body cuddled in my arms and Louis' lips pressed against my neck, I wouldn't mind. But instead, I live here in London, and Louis lives in Doncaster, which creates distance, and thus, limits our time together.
"We'll have to start searching, baby," I whisper, kissing up Louis' jawline.
Louis giggles bashfully. Until suddenly, thick, icy snow falls from the roof above us, landing directly on Louis' head. The snow splatters and melts over his caramel coloured hair, causing him to squeal in surprise and shake his head back and forth to fling off any excess snow.
"Ah shit, now my head is going to be cold for the rest of the day!" He laments, evidently frustrated, continuing to run his fingers through his now wet hair, shaking out the moisture.
"Not to worry, you can borrow my beanie," I laugh, pulling the grey hat from my head and pulling it over Louis', bringing a sheepish smile to his face.
"Thanks Li, what would I do without you?" Louis ponders. "I'd probably still have my sanity left."
"Oh ha ha. Now lets go, before the next rush of people get off the train," I suggest, pressing a lingering kiss to his cool forehead, and walking into the heavy crowds polluting the streets.
I don't realise I've been standing in a motionless position until a hectic business man bumps me on the way to his car. My attention shifts back to the bulletin board, and just how worn down and fragile it had become over time.
I gaze around me, trying to find someone I know is not there. I take a shaky breath in and remind myself why I'm here, to find strength, in my loss. I tighten my parka around my shivering torso and turn away from the bulletin board that holds more memories than anyone will ever know, and bounce down the steps leading to the footpath.
The concrete beneath me is encrusted with slippery ice, causing my boots to skid whilst I saunter down the street. One step after the other, I travel a mile on foot. Having lived here before, the surroundings are familiar, and it feels as though my body is on auto pilot as I mindlessly navigate my way through the area.
My steps begin to feel heavy as I approach a little, picturesque café, titled 'Ester's Café'. I gently run my fingers over the top of the first slate on the picket fence. Each year, the owner paints a new colour over the fence, her way of symbolising new beginnings, or so I heard.
I force down the forming lump in my throat, as my attention shifts from the fence, to the large window revealing the interior of the shop. Right in front of the window sits a grey table for two people. From my position in the street, I can see the sugar shaker, and small tea cups, sitting elegantly on the table top.
Steam rises up from the white tea cup grasped delicately in between my fingers, creating warmth over my cool cheeks. Placing the cup back on the wooden table top, I glance across at the stunning boy sitting in front of me. It's been a few weeks since Louis last visited me, however, this time, he is staying permanently.
"I'm so glad you've finally moved baby, I was getting bored of all the hookers," I tease, a mischievous grin playing at my lips.
Louis narrows his eyes, glaring at me playfully, "that's funny babe, because I was just about to say the same thing."
I snicker loudly, causing the surrounding customers to glance at us briefly. Once I had calmed myself down, a genuine smile comes to my face. Louis is staying with me and my roommate David, until we can afford an apartment of our own.
The sun shines through the window we were seated against. I peer out of it, the neon green, picket fence standing bright amongst the garden. Louis' blue eyes were fixated on the garden. I suppose he finds it beautiful, but I think he is the true stand out.
"You're giving me that look again!" Louis suddenly giggles.
"Yes, because you're so incredible. You know I've been waiting so long to have you here with me," I whisper. "I love you so much, you have no idea."
"I love you too babe, but you're the corniest boyfriend ever," Louis chuckles, before a rosy pink blush covers his tan cheeks, "but I wouldn't trade you for anything."
I simple shake my head and laugh in return, leaning across the table to press a soft kiss to Louis' lips. Louis kisses me back leniently, reciprocating my gentle movements. Louis giggles and pulls away, "I missed that the most," he grins.
"Me too, because hookers are good for sex and all, but apparently there are rules against kissing on the lips?" I mess around yet again.
Louis scoffs and pushes at my chest, "always the gentleman, Payno," he sasses.
"That's the way you like it," I wink, placing my hand on Louis' thigh, rubbing sensually, squeezing lovingly.
Louis gasps and jumps, covering his mouth, attempting to stifle his laughs, "I think I made the best decision of my life moving here."
"Sir? Um, sir, can I help you?" A boney hand presses against my bicep. "You've been standing here for 20 minutes, you can come inside if you like, we don't bite."
I turn around and peer down to the lady besides me, who I now recognize as Ester, the owner of the café. I attempt to mask my somber mood with a friendly smile, "oh, I'm just reminiscing. Um, it's hard to let go of the past sometimes," I sigh dismally.
Ester gives me a sad smile, "maybe a cup of tea will help?"
"That's lovely, but no thank you. Um, but I would like to suggest a colour for the fence next year, if you wouldn't mind," I smile.
Ester looks at me eagerly, "please do!"
"A medium blue, with specks and splatters of pale blue and yellow," I suggest, thinking about the incredible blue eyes that belong to the love of my life, Louis.
"That would be beautiful! You could come help me paint it! Oh my, I love help!" She grins brightly.
"Definitely, but for right now, I have places to go," I smile courteously. "I'll see you next year."
Ester waves me goodbye as I set off back down the street, the pavement still icy beneath me. My heart feels heavy and twisted within my chest, and I'm starting to wonder whether or not this was a good idea. How is it that emptiness is the hardest burden to carry?
I walk block to block, hours passing me by. I make my way to the less reputable parts of town, my memory of the surroundings being vivid. I pass by the pedestrians talking on their cell phones, or desperately screeching for a taxi, as if their current circumstances are larger than life. I have to hold back a bitter laugh, these people don't know the real cruelties of life.
My fists clench and release from my sides. I take a deep breath to remind myself that what happened to Louis is not the fault of these strangers, and as the resentment runs out, the sadness rushes in. I continue to saunter down the narrow walk way, and suddenly, I hear the carefree giggles of someone who is no where to be seen.
"C'mon Li! You're so damn slow!" Lou giggles, grabbing my hand and dragging me down the street.
"Lou! Baby! Slow down, we don't have to rush, we have all the time in the world," I smile, but continue to run after Louis regardless.
The wind is blowing Louis' hair all over his face, but he doesn't let that bother him, he doesn't let anything bother him. We're running down this street as a complete and utter public nuisance, but we only have focus on each other. Louis' smile is so bright and sincere I find myself chasing him faster, trying to get closer to him as we run.
Louis' hand is small and warm, my larger hand wrapped around it tightly to keep a firm grip on him. Louis laughs even louder, "hurry up babe!" Louis encourages me. "And don't step on the cracks!" He shouts over his shoulder, jumping and bounding over the cracks in the cement.
I flinch at the memory. It was such a minute part of the day, of our relationship, and yet, when it's gone, it has the greatest impact, the greatest heart ache. I let out a shaky breath, avoiding eye contact with those surrounding me as I continue to stroll down the walk way. Leaving fragments of the past behind me.
Being the cheaper area in town, it wasn't surprising that I eventually stumbled upon my previous flat, and not only was it my flat, but it was Louis and I's first apartment together. The building towers over me, looking exactly as it did 3 years ago. The wooden patterns on the outside of the building form geometric patterns over the bland, grey concrete.
I look upwards. The apartment I had come accustomed to was on the 7th floor, and not visible from where I was standing, and honestly, I'm not sure if it would be appropriate for me to waltz into someone else's home. I cringe at the thought. The thought of others living in the space where so much of our love, affection, and lust was exchanged.
Louis and I share nervous glances, a fresh, metal key held tightly in my hands, "Are you ready, baby?"
Louis nods, wrapping his hands around my bicep, leaning against me. I slide the key into the lock, and open the door to Louis and I's apartment. The door creaks as it opens, but there is nothing more satisfying. Holding Lou's hand tightly, we step inside. The apartment is barren, and it's going to stay like that for a while, as we don't yet have any furniture to fill the space.
On the kitchen bench, is a bottle of cheap champagne, and a note from the land lord, welcoming us to the apartment complex. I grin, holding the bottle up in front of Louis, "So, cheap alcohol, take away pizza, and a blanket?" I suggest cheekily.
"It's a date," Louis responds, pushing his body up on his tippy toes. I meet him half way and gently grasp the back of his head, kissing him ardently. "Although, I don't know how I feel about sex on hardwood floors... you might just have to give me a back massage tomorrow when I'm all sore," Louis sighs dramatically, looking down at the bare floor with a frisky grin on his lips.
I smirk and swoop my hand down to his ass, pinching it swiftly, Louis gasping and giggling, before leaning up to kiss me once again. It's not perfect, it's not the grand, marble mansion that 7-year old me imagined when I thought about my first flat, but it's home, and there is nothing more comforting than that.
And so we did exactly that. We had pizza delivered, and set up one of the blankets I had in my suitcase. We sipped at the champagne, and lit unscented candles. I sit with Louis on my lap, my arms wrapped protectively around his waist, my hand sitting lazily across his stomach.
"We can put the couch over there," Louis propounds, pointing to the corner in the living room. "And then, hmm, oh! We'll have to get a bed as soon as possible! That's the most important thing."
"I don't know what you're talking about baby, whats wrong with the floor?" I tease.
"What isn't wrong with the floor? I'll get splinters," Louis laughs, resting his head on my shoulder, and turning his face upwards to look at me.
"Don't worry, I'll kiss them better," I wink, taking another sip of my drink and placing the glass back down on the blanket.
Louis giggles and smirks, "Good, that's why you're here, babe, to give me lots of kisses."
"Lots of kisses? I can do that," I simper, placing my lips to Louis' collarbones, gently leaving a line of soft kisses up the supple skin of Louis' neck. Louis moans lightly, lifting his chin to give me more space, to which I definitely take advantage of, continuing to kiss in an upwards direction, until I reach his lips.
I close my eyes. Suddenly the sight of this building makes me nauseated with grief. I step away, I have no time to stand here and further ponder this apartment, I don't think I could take it. I run my hands through my short hair in frustration, before shoving them into the pockets of my parka, increasing the pace of my steps as I storm away from the apartment complex.
I rush down the suburban streets, not being able to look up from the plain surface beneath me. By this point of time, it's approximately 1 in the afternoon, and I've been wandering around London for several hours, and yet, it doesn't feel that way at all.
I walk down the main street, and eventually find myself standing right before a shopping centre. A small, yet dejected, laugh escapes my lips. Who would of guessed that a parking lot would hold memories. However, as most know, being in a relationship means not only good times, but struggles too. For example, Louis and I's first argument.
"Louis, baby, can you not pack so much stuff into the one bag? They're mad of cheap plastic, they'll break," I calmly state, trying to convince Louis that he is over filling the bags at the self service.
Louis scoffs, getting only 2 hours of sleep the night before, he wasn't in the best of moods, "can you stop talking down at me for one minute and just let me pack the damn groceries?" He snaps, something that is not a regular occurrence.
I take a deep breath and step back, deciding just to let Louis do it how he pleases. I don't want to fight, we've been together for almost two years without fighting, and I don't want to start now. Especially over something so insignificant.
Louis finishes filling the bags, paying, before picking up two of the plastic bags, whilst I picked up the remaining three. We began walking out to the car, but before we could reach it, one of the bags I was holding tears at the handle, our bottle of milk and several of our cans fall to the dirty ground. The milk cap flies off, and milk begins pouring all over the asphalt.
Louis turns around at the sound, taking in what had just happened, "What the hell Liam?!"
"What do you mean 'what the hell Liam'? You were the one who packed them so full. I literally told you 10 minutes ago that this would happen!" I argue back, exasperated at Louis' attitude and accusations.
"Well if you weren't swinging them around so carelessly, they wouldn't of broke! God Liam, it's not that hard to carry the bags in a gentle manner! You don't have to be so rough all the time," Louis fights back. Quite frankly, everything coming out of his mouth right now is sounding profoundly ridiculous.
"Rough? If you weren't so lazy and packed the bags like any normal shopper, than this wouldn't of happened! Not everything is my fault," I bicker back. And it continues on like that for another 10 minutes, other shopping staring at us as they get into their vehicles.
Then, the fight about spilt milk suddenly becomes about how I snore all night, and how Louis has never washed a dish in his life,and now I'm not so sure if this fight is about the trivial matter of our groceries all over the pavement, as much as it is about all our hidden pet peeves that have been bottled down over time.
When Louis and I stop yelling, we turn to silent treatment. We put the groceries in the boot of the car, and I go back into the supermarket to buy another bottle of milk. The car ride was awkward, and there was a underlying tension that didn't seem to go away. It was almost as if we both had things to say, but nothing would come out.
Of course, the argument was resolved later that night after we both had the opportunity to relax, and was then concluded with what Louis called 'incredible make-up sex', and was put to rest.
It's almost comical, as I think back on it now, but I suppose as two young people in love, there isn't anything serious for us to actually fight about. We were naive, and thought the world would accommodate us, but of course, it doesn't work like that, it never works like that.
I exhale, watching my breath fog in the bitterly cold, London air, before a shiver runs up my spine. I keep moving, determined to warm my body up again. I'm starting to wonder if it was a bad idea returning to London. My past, how life was with Louis, is too hard to bare now that it is gone.
Even in his darkest days, Louis depicted energy that could resemble something as complex as one of Picasso paintings, with swirls of colour and brilliance that cannot be undermined. He was anything other than ordinary, and I was the person who was lucky enough to live a significant part of his tiny life out with him.
Travelling another few blocks, I continuously kick one of the small pebbles from the street, trying to distract myself from the anxiety that feels like water in my lungs. I reach a small, fenced off park. With a large patch of fresh green grass, a children's playground, and a pretty little pond. I stroll over to the said pond, peering into the crystal like water, small ripples breaking over the surface.
"I feel like we're in the Lion King," Louis points out, both of us bent over the pond, staring at our own reflections. "Remember who you are," Louis mocks, before giggling and pulling away from the pond, laying on his back, on the soft picnic blanket.
I laugh contently, laying back down next to Louis, "you're such an idiot, Lou."
"Am I?" Louis enquires, raising his eyebrow at me. "But guess what Payno? You never saw this coming."
Before I even had the opportunity to question Lou's motives, I feel the splash of ice cold water pouring all over my face. When the flow of water stops, I look up to see Louis' drink bottle empty and directly above my face, with Louis' cheeky smile next to it. He just poured his water all over me.
I gasp and sit up, "watch yourself Tommo, I have a full bottle too!" I threaten, grabbing my water bottle and pointing it in the direction of my boyfriend.
"You have to catch me first," Louis teases, getting up from the blanket and sprinting away from me.
I smirk, bouncing into my feet and chasing him fast. My long legs work to my advantage, as I catch up to Louis relatively fast, spraying him with water. Louis squeals and gasps, giggling as I pour the contents of my bottle over Lou's head and torso, holding onto his petite, tattooed arm so he can't escape.
Louis snatches the bottle off me, spraying my shirt and pants, loud, care free laughter sounding from his lips. "Ha! Take that babe!"
Fellow strangers surrounding us turn around to glare narrowly at our immature behaviour. We probably look like two children, participating in a water fight, right in the public eye. After the water had run out, Lou and I had nothing else to do except laugh, and laugh, until we could barely breathe. Louis' face turns a bright, humorous red, and I'm so besides myself with laughter, my abdomen aches.
Louis manages to calm himself down, pointing at my damp shirt, "woo! Looks like we have a wet shirt contest on our hands, and look at those abs!"
"Mm, I think you're winning baby," I simpler, Louis' white muscle tank now drenched and completely see through, revealing his torso.
"Stop your perving babe, we're in public," Louis giggles bashfully, pushing at my chest.
"That doesn't stop me," I grin confidently, leaning down to kiss his neck, kissing over the hickey I had created last night.
Louis chuckles, "you're so lucky I love you."
That hurt more than I anticipated. I think about the smile on Louis' face in that moment, and how his happiness seemed untouchable, as if nothing could take it from him. It expelled truth, he couldn't hide how he was feeling. Because truth, much like beauty, is neither created nor lost. And Louis' beauty still lives on to this day.
I almost wince at the thought of him being so carefree, as it would only be a matter of time, before everything he ever knew was stripped from him, and me. The guilt eats me alive. Still to this day, I believe it should of been me. I turn my back to the park, sauntering down the empty street.
Another hour passes, and I find myself closer to the city once again. I'm dragging my feet, creating scruff marks on the matte material of my boots. Its late in the afternoon, and I've eventually reached a place I was hoping I would miss. But of course I wouldn't. How could I ever miss the hectic surroundings of the hospital. A place in which holds both miracles, and the brutality of human life, between its very walls.
I peer up at the plethora of windows visible on the exterior of the hospital, each window representing a different room. Rooms that I had become all too familiar with.
I don't think I've ever felt more anxious than I do right this moment. Louis and I are sat in one of the many rooms in the large hospital. Louis is next to me, his leg bouncing hard, shaking the unstable hospital bed. Louis is also oddly silent, his shoulders curled forwards in angst.
I peer down at him, the loose hospital gown hanging baggily off his body reveals his thighs, which were littered with dark purple bruises. He had landed in here after he fainted yesterday evening. Louis didn't want to, but I insisted. Weight loss, bruising, fatigue and nose bleeds were all present in or on Louis in the past month, and him collapsing was the last straw.
"Baby - you know I love you right?" I whisper, gently placing my hand over his bruised thighs.
"Don't do that. Please don't pretend like this is serious. I probably just have anaemia or some shit," Louis refutes, evidently in denial.
"Lou-"
"Li I'm serious, I love you too, but drop it, and stop your panicking," Louis argues.
I sigh in defeat. Louis didn't want to admit it, but he was scared, terrified even. We both knew something was wrong, and we both knew it wasn't going to be something that can be fixed with a round of antibiotics. I stop pestering Lou, wrapping my arms around his waist and pressing a comforting kiss to his forehead instead, him resting his head on my chest in response. His body remains tense, however.
There is a soft knock on the door, followed by the creaking of the door as it is slowly opened by an apprehensive doctor. A grave expression evident in his facial features as he approaches the bed. Louis curls his lip up, biting it in trepidation. The doctor, Nick, who has been talking to and running tests on Louis since yesterday, is holding a few sheets of paper in his hand.
"Louis?" Nick questions, standing besides the bed.
"What? Just tell me, god, please don't keep me waiting," Louis practically begs.
Nick gulps, "Louis, the pathology tests concluded that is an abnormal count of white blood cells in your blood. Further testing of the bone marrow that we extracted yesterday indicates that you have a rare form of cancer called Acute Lymphoblastic Leukaemia."
"Cancer?" Louis hardly manages to get out, his voice hoarse and quiet, almost inaudible.
My heart stops. I feel my body tense. This cannot be happening. Not to Louis, not to us. He's only 22. We've only had the chance to live together for a year. I clench my hands into fists, my knuckles turning white, "But we can treat it, right? With chemotherapy?"
Nick's eyebrows furrow slightly, as he purses his lips and tightens his grip on the paper, "I'm sorry, Louis, but this kind of cancer progresses awfully fast. In your case, it has progressed to stage 4, and is classified as terminal. In these cases, treatment can buy you time, but only in little amounts. Invasive treatments such as chemotherapy and radiation contract from the quality of life, and often patients in this situation decide not to undergo treatment, so they can live out their final time with a better quality of life."
"How long?" Louis whimpers, his bottom lip shaking. He's trying desperately to hold in his tears.
"3 months, 4 at most," Nick explains. "Of course you can still undergo treatment if you wish."
"No," Louis denies, his voice shaky, but conclusive.
I look at Louis in shock, "Louis, you have to try at least, we can't just give up, we can't just let this kill you!"
"I don't want to be in pain, Liam," Louis rejects.
I just nod. I couldn't bring myself to do anything else. I zone out for the rest of the conversation. Dr. Nick and Louis discuss several options. I think about what it would be like to watch Louis gradually die. I ponder what life would be like, not being able to wake up to him every morning. I'm pulled out of these dreadful thoughts when I feel a tear roll over my cheek. I sniffle and wipe it away subtly, taking a few deeps breaths.
Once Nick leaves, there is a deafening silence left between Louis and I. I look down at him, gently cupping my hand over his face, "I love you so fucking much Louis."
"Don't say goodbye," Louis mumbles, "Not yet. I just need you to be normal, babe. I can't live the rest of my life with you tip toeing around me like I'm a fragile flower. You know, I want your cuddles, and I still want the rough sex too," Louis laughs, but there is so much despondency behind it, I can't even bring myself to laugh along.
"How have you accepted it so quickly? How, how aren't you crying and screaming and begging for life?" I question, perplexed,and entirely amazed, at Louis' strength.
"I knew, Li. Leukaemia runs in my family. The symptoms, the look on the doctor's face, the conversations I overheard yesterday, I just knew. And it's okay. I'm not ashamed to die. As long as I have you next to me throughout the next few months, I'll pass happily, okay?" Louis murmurs, his voice cracking. "That's all we can ask for."
"It's okay to be scared," I whisper, kissing Louis' cheek. "You don't have to pretend for me."
Louis died three months later. Warm in our bed, on a Tuesday morning, wrapped tightly in my arms. The decline in his health was rapid, and heart wrenching, but I never once saw the smile leave his lips. He died brave, carefree, and cheerful, just as he always was. But that didn't make it any easier when I had to say goodbye. It didn't make it any easier, when I felt his body go limp in my arms.
I take a deep breath in, tears rapidly falling from my eyes, rolling over my cheek bones and falling to the icy ground beneath me. My heart is breaking, all over again. I tighten my parka around me, take one last look at the hospital, and speed walk back down the street. My heart feeling tight and weight bearing in my chest, I push on, until I reach the place I've been dreading all day.
Here, is the end of Louis' journey, and the end of mine. Under the small expanse of thick, luscious grass, lives the boy who stole my heart, the cemetery. I walk down the row that displays many tomb stones, until I find the one I'm looking for, which reads "Rest in Peace, Louis William Tomlinson, 1991 - 2013."
I fall to my knees before the stone, grabbing the grass, feeling the dirt in between my fingers. I haven't been here in 3 years, 4 months, and 23 days, and I regret it. I run my fingers along the top of the tomb stone, letting the tears fall freely. 3 years, and two boyfriends later, I still love him. I suppose some people are destined to live in your heart, but not your life.
"Hi Lou," I whisper. "I feel so s-stupid talking to you when you're not here. But, I just, I miss you," I whimper.
I sniffle, crossing my legs, "Nothing is the same without you. I can't, I don't think I can do this. I'm sorry I haven't visited since, since your funeral, but, I c-couldn't bring myself to, to sit here and accept the fact that you're gone, simply because, it hurts too much. It's selfish I've me, I kn-know."
"I love you," I whisper, weeping. I lean down, pressing a kiss to the grass, before laying down on my back. Laying down like we did in the park, like we did every time we cuddled, and like we were the moment in which he passed.
And for the first time in three years, I feel him with me.
