Heavier Things

JJ.Buckley||21||Junior||Hastings "I have nothing to declare except my genius."-Oscar Wilde

[rosethcrn]

joshua-buckley​:

Ethan and Annabeth Albright. Politics and philanthropy, a matching set. Joshua had had almost nothing to go on, and still, somehow her parents still seemed exactly like he’d imagined them. Educated, successful and important. He’d expected nothing less. It was however, a pleasant surprise that he actually seemed to have things in common with her mother. If home countries and places of work were common enough ground to be considered as much. 

Before he had really processed her final thoughts on the subject, he found himself in the hot seat. “Oh fuck.. that’s a good one.” The question wasn’t one he’d ever asked himself before, much less one he could answer coherently. “I act differently around each and every one of you I guess, If I really think about it. It’s not like I have multiple personalities or am ever pretending to be something I’m not. Not anymore at least. I just.. I guess they all bring out different parts of me?” It was a non answer, as vague as she’s probably expected. She’d been so direct and he’d basically danced around the question. Really it was only fair to give it another go. 

“If I’m with just my mum it’s non stop banter. She’s hilarious and sharp and witty. But somehow simultaneously such a.. Well such a mom. She doesn’t value academia at all, but still she is far smarter than I’ll ever be. I call once a week. She always worries that I don’t eat enough or that I’m not getting enough sunlight, whatever the fuck that means. But yeah, I’m sidetracking. We get on really well and she mugs me off constantly. It’s pretty similar with my sisters actually. Georgia is a dancer and Syd is too young to be anything yet, though we’re pretty sure she wants to be a chef or some kinda food blogger, who knows. I make a real effort to like… I don’t know, remind them that they don’t have to be exactly what our parents want them to be to be loved by them? Which shouldn’t be something kids needed to be reminded of but it’s hard, you know? So we have a pretty standard sarcastic, soft bullying kind of a dynamic where we bicker over the dinner table but they know they can talk to me if they need to. My dad-“ He paused, knotting his brow as if he had never really thought about it before, how he interacted with his father. “I think my dad is a great man. His family comes before anything. I try to be like him, in so many ways. But he’s a complete product of his environment. He doesn’t understand why I would ever choose to follow this path when I could have, in his opinion at least, been a really successful athlete. So we get along as well as we can. I love him and feel super lucky to have a dad that cares so much about all of us.” For the first time in what felt like forever, he took a second to breathe. He hoped the majority of his ramble was decipherable, though really, he knew better than to assume as much. It felt nice, getting to gush a bit about his family. He was very aware that he’d been talking for far too long however, and the honesty their current conversation required was making him sweat. 

His ever present smirk was back on full display as he leaned in closer and lowered his voice a little, hoping a change of tone would make breathing a little easier from here on out. “We don’t have to keep these questions all squeaky clean you know. Especially if nothings off limits? I mean, I for one have always wondered about that Liberal Arts major douche you were seeing when we broke up last fall.” There was no venom meant in his tease, air quotes flying around far more often than he would ever use in a normal conversation. “Were you guys actually together? Like really together?” Again with the air quotes, he made a mental note to cease with them altogether, leaning in a little closer. “I mean, did he ever make you cu-” Surprise and immediate embarrassment caused him to physically jump and then immediately recoil in his seat as he noticed the waiter stood beside them. Their starters were ready apparently and being served at the larger table in the other room with the rest of their party. “Oh no, we didn’t order any- Oh fuck. Sorry I mean- Shit. I mean- Thank you. Thanks. Cheers.” 

—

each and every one of you. it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing—in fact, it was quite relatable. everyone put on a different face, shone some light on a different side or from a different angle, for different people. seraphina was aware, almost catastrophically so. she’d spent so much time sat at the end of the albright dinner table, watching every other individual in near silence, studying the ways in which they calculated and filtered their presentations of themselves. or, perhaps it wasn’t that cynical. perhaps he was right—not only regarding himself, but others. the benefit of the doubt urged saf to believe it, that different situations and people brought out different aspects in someone.

but she’d never been great at giving the benefit of the doubt. specifically, extending it to her family. JJ, however, she chose to believe, even if it was merely expressed with a slight nod.

whether or not she’d intended to draw more out of him, he continued to explain and she keenly listened. just as she always had, hungry for information. not a cyborg, ready for data to be loaded in, but like an actual, genuinely caring and curious human being. she’d always felt a little more human around him, after all.

what followed was far more details than, frankly, she’d expected. mum, banter, sharp, smart—but probably in a more real-world sort of way. georgia, dancer. syd, young, food. the crushing weight of a parent’s expectations, the brotherly guidance that helped one avoid it. honesty. vulnerability. someone to go to. admiration and jealousy filled saf in equal measure, a stray thought briefly causing her to wonder how her life would’ve differed had she had an older brother to watch out for her. had she had parents that weren’t so quick to express disappointment and draw back at the slightest deviation from their ideal plan. would her edges be softer, eyes kinder?

but a thought then occurred to JJ—or maybe a lack of thought, a stall, a confusion—and her wonderings concerning herself fell away in favor of those that center him. his relationship with his father greatly related to that of his mother, though with its own specificities, and saf found herself nodding in understanding. not agreement, because she couldn’t quite relate, but she could see it. not making the decision someone else would’ve made, but knowing they still love and care for you.

okay, maybe she could relate. a little. the jury was still out on the latter portion of the whole thing.

but now, despite the tone of honesty and vulnerability that permeated the immediate area, wasn’t the time to get into all of that. unless JJ asked. and, well, it became apparent that other things were now on his mind. things she felt much more comfortable getting into, believe it or not.

her eyes rolled at liberal arts major douche, jovial, as though saying, ha-ha, very funny. some of that sarcastic ease was lost, however, as he continued to lean closer, voice hushed, saf’s brows raising teasingly. do you really want to know? not that there was much to know. the flings that’d taken place during their off periods had held little, often no, substance. tissues to be disposed of, wild game to be hunted and released. but she’d let him keep asking, offer an expression that maybe put him on edge. good edge, if there was such a thing.

well, she would’ve, had he not extracted himself at the presence of the waiter. “i think there’s been a mistake,” saf interpreted smoothly, turning to offer them a polite smile. and if JJ’s response hadn’t clued them in to leave, hers definitely did.

a sort of cocky, amused grin tugged at the corners of her lips, quiet laughter leaving her. but rather than drag it out like she maybe would’ve under other circumstances, her head tilted to one side and she was back on track. “do you think i’d actually get together with someone else?” the response was perhaps unexpectedly sweet, but upon further inspection, entirely within her character. it held, in itself, a slew of similar questions. do you really think anyone else could meet my standards? especially in such a short period of time? especially when i knew exactly what i really wanted? “no,” she then added, leaning back in her seat, “to… all of the above.” there, she’d let him have it. “not the best lay. not bad. ” they were being honest, weren’t they?, “but not the best.” a knowing smile settled onto her face that said everything else that needed to be said.

“okay, what about you, then?” she countered, already smirking at whatever question was formulating in her head. “did you ever think about really moving on with someone? because they were a better person, a better fuck?” saf’s elbow found the table, and her hand her chin, gaze unwavering. in doing so, she’d leaned forward a touch, foot reaching out under the table to briefly run along his leg.

[joshua-buckley]

Do you think I’d actually get together with someone else? The question was rhetorical, that was how it sounded to him at least. In all reality he did think it was possible, why wouldn’t it be? He was under no delusion, there were definitely better people at Yates. More intelligent, emotionally and academically. He’d imagined her meeting someone who didn’t possess his chaotic brand of cleverness. Someone who didn’t curse in every other sentence and didn’t ramble on whenever he felt even remotely impassioned by a subject. A person that didn’t overthink every single interaction they had and knew how to calm their brain for long enough to actually experience the pauses between her speech, instead of losing himself in thought until the moment she spoke again. His smirk was inevitable as his eyes narrowed, surprised at her ability to seem so candid while talking about something that had been so triggering for them both in the past. He couldn’t recall a time they’d directly spoken about the people they’d seen when they were off. The pair were both the jealous type at worst, vaguely possessive at best, so these conversations had always been best left alone in the past. He was thrilled that her past fling hadn’t been anything worth remembering however, clearing his throat in preparation to share as much before realising it was already too late, once again under the microscope himself as she probed.

Joshua really wanted to be elusive and coy with his answer, though the second her foot met his leg under the table any cohesive thoughts were immediately tumbling out of his head, blinking a few too many times as he attempted to seem unfazed by the action. There was definitely a higher likelihood of scrutiny with his response to this one he assumed. Though she hid it well, signing it off with a question as playfully crude as his own, her first question seemed a little more genuine than playful, at least to him. That led to his response, careful and with intent, pushing the jokes aside to offer reassurance if she wanted it, not that it was hard to come by from each other these days. “I have never seriously thought about moving on with someone else. Not for one iota, honestly.” His textbook shrug was back, finally shaking off the panic from his encounter with the waiter enough to settle back into his seat. “I don’t know how you’d quantify better, but again, no. I really have so little time for almost every other person we know, Saf. I’m not a typically nice person I don’t think, and I wouldn’t have a fuckin’ clue how to date one.. I’ve also been like completely in love with you for forever so there’s that?”

[joshua-buckley]

rosethcrn​:

in a matter of eight words—you can ask me literally anything you want—the entire dynamic of the conversation had shifted. not to say that the two of them hadn’t had their honest, even brutally honest, moments and conversations with one-another. that said, there was still, even now, much they hadn’t talked or asked each-other about. an intense curiosity, as well as some nerves, rose in her head as she waited for him to decide on a question. if he drew out the pause intentionally to keep her on edge, it was working. however, saf relaxed a touch as it was revealed. she nodded briefly at the assumption about her mother, the image of her cold, pale face and flaxen hair to match coming to mind. her father’s own stern eyes joined the picture as they both were mentioned, saf blinking both away after a few seconds.

“whoa, slow down, you said one question,” the redhead teased flatly, though her statement wasn’t entirely true. merely an assumption on her end. “my dad, ethan, works for my uncle, who’s a new york state senator. and my mom, annabeth, is a…” saffie’s eyes squinted for a near-imperceptible moment, “philanthropist. she’s a museum donor, on the board of a few charities, that sort of thing.” altruistic, even she could admit, though she knew her mother’s motives weren’t exactly selfless. “they met pretty soon after my dad graduated from yates, though i’m tempted to believe they were actually made in a factory as a matching set.” amusement flickered in her eyes, the redhead shifting some in her seat. it was the last question that took a moment more’s consideration. because, despite not liking many of her parents’ choices and qualities, she did admire their relationship with one-another. “but, major disappointments aside, i guess i respect parts of their relationship. they’re like a rock-solid team. i honestly don’t know if a thing in the world could break them.” saf thought back to when her father and uncle had their falling out. when james died. all the times she’d acted out. publicly, as well as privately, her parents seemed to excel at being each-other’s rocks and supporters.

“okay, my turn.” as tempting as it was to repeat questions, she decided not to. at least, for now. “how similarly do you act around your parents and sisters, compared to with me?” sure, it was more of a question about him—who he was away from here, outside of school—but the answer could tell a lot about his family, too. about their expectations, about his relationship with them.

Ethan and Annabeth Albright. Politics and philanthropy, a matching set. Joshua had had almost nothing to go on, and still, somehow her parents still seemed exactly like he’d imagined them. Educated, successful and important. He’d expected nothing less. It was however, a pleasant surprise that he actually seemed to have things in common with her mother. If home countries and places of work were common enough ground to be considered as much. 

Before he had really processed her final thoughts on the subject, he found himself in the hot seat. “Oh fuck.. that’s a good one.” The question wasn’t one he’d ever asked himself before, much less one he could answer coherently. “I act differently around each and every one of you I guess, If I really think about it. It’s not like I have multiple personalities or am ever pretending to be something I’m not. Not anymore at least. I just.. I guess they all bring out different parts of me?” It was a non answer, as vague as she’s probably expected. She’d been so direct and he’d basically danced around the question. Really it was only fair to give it another go. 

“If I’m with just my mum it’s non stop banter. She’s hilarious and sharp and witty. But somehow simultaneously such a.. Well such a mom. She doesn’t value academia at all, but still she is far smarter than I’ll ever be. I call once a week. She always worries that I don’t eat enough or that I’m not getting enough sunlight, whatever the fuck that means. But yeah, I’m sidetracking. We get on really well and she mugs me off constantly. It’s pretty similar with my sisters actually. Georgia is a dancer and Syd is too young to be anything yet, though we’re pretty sure she wants to be a chef or some kinda food blogger, who knows. I make a real effort to like… I don’t know, remind them that they don’t have to be exactly what our parents want them to be to be loved by them? Which shouldn’t be something kids needed to be reminded of but it’s hard, you know? So we have a pretty standard sarcastic, soft bullying kind of a dynamic where we bicker over the dinner table but they know they can talk to me if they need to. My dad-“ He paused, knotting his brow as if he had never really thought about it before, how he interacted with his father. “I think my dad is a great man. His family comes before anything. I try to be like him, in so many ways. But he’s a complete product of his environment. He doesn’t understand why I would ever choose to follow this path when I could have, in his opinion at least, been a really successful athlete. So we get along as well as we can. I love him and feel super lucky to have a dad that cares so much about all of us.” For the first time in what felt like forever, he took a second to breathe. He hoped the majority of his ramble was decipherable, though really, he knew better than to assume as much. It felt nice, getting to gush a bit about his family. He was very aware that he’d been talking for far too long however, and the honesty their current conversation required was making him sweat. 

His ever present smirk was back on full display as he leaned in closer and lowered his voice a little, hoping a change of tone would make breathing a little easier from here on out. “We don’t have to keep these questions all squeaky clean you know. Especially if nothings off limits? I mean, I for one have always wondered about that Liberal Arts major douche you were seeing when we broke up last fall.” There was no venom meant in his tease, air quotes flying around far more often than he would ever use in a normal conversation. “Were you guys actually together? Like really together?” Again with the air quotes, he made a mental note to cease with them altogether, leaning in a little closer. “I mean, did he ever make you cu-” Surprise and immediate embarrassment caused him to physically jump and then immediately recoil in his seat as he noticed the waiter stood beside them. Their starters were ready apparently and being served at the larger table in the other room with the rest of their party. “Oh no, we didn’t order any- Oh fuck. Sorry I mean- Shit. I mean- Thank you. Thanks. Cheers.” 

[joshua-buckley]

rosethcrn​:

why was it that the space between words—the pauses between her words and his response—still felt so cavernous? so vast, so… admittedly, terrifying? she found herself sitting in anticipation of how he’d take her admission, despite having attempted to be careful with her words. then again, saf being careful with words didn’t exactly mirror when other people did it. still, she was being delicate, here, right? a tension that’d been subconsciously held in her limbs released with JJ’s agreement, nodding to signal that she understood his explanation. the relief was short lived, however, with a nagging worry quick to take its place.

“JJ,” saffie started again, a hand reaching out to rest halfway across the table. reaching out towards him. “i talked to you more than i did my parents over winter break. of course they know you exist.” even as the words left her, she knew they wouldn’t satisfy. or, at least, they didn’t satisfy her. they wouldn’t if she were on the other side of the table. “if you think i didn’t brag about you whenever i could get a word in…” her eyes rolled. not in annoyance, but in amusement. in a way that made it apparent that she was just short of laughing at herself for the cheesy admission. but she’d admit it, anyway. “i mean, i’m pretty sure my mom started mentally planning the wedding the second she heard the words london and natural history museum,” she muttered, eyes falling to the table. she recalled the delight in the woman’s eyes at each detail she was given, a mix of positive surprise and protectiveness immediately forming in the daughter. drawing a slow breath, saf met JJ’s eyes, slumping a tad in her seat. very lady-like. “if you want to tell me about your parents, i want to hear it. i do. my family’s just… different. i’m not super proud of—” who they are. what a shitty thing to say. an embarrassing feeling for her, though one she knew to be true. “what… what do you want to know? or tell? i mean, i meant it when i said let’s talk about it.”

Joshua met her gaze at the mention of his nickname, eyes flickering away for barely a second as he noticed her hand nearing his own across the table. Of course they know you exist The relief and embarrassment washed over him in equal measure. In hindsight his question had been at best silly and at worst needy. It wasn’t that he needed or even wanted constant validation, but obviously subconsciously this had been a worry he’d had for a while. Regardless of whatever strained affection Saf shared with her parents, he knew that their opinion would matter to her and that she’d only mention him if she took their relationship as seriously as he did. With a barely audible and incongruous sigh, he adjusted in his seat slightly and let his hand meet hers across the table, intertwining their fingers as he took in her admissions. There was no way of hiding his smirk as she mentioned bragging about him, feeling a little more himself as his ego began to soak up the implied compliment. Then she mentioned the museum and he found himself confused again. Why would his work there impress Saffie’s mother? Why would she have even thought to mention it? He gave her hand a light squeeze as she paused. Pride was a funny thing. Something he had for his family in some respects in droves and in others barely at all. Suddenly the ball was back in his court and he furrowed his brow a little, sitting up and leaning towards her slightly in stark contrast to her slump. “You letting me ask you questions about this kind of stuff is a dangerous game, Albright. It’s only fair I agree to the same right? You can ask me literally anything you want, but if I get to go first…” His usual grin was back in full force now, pausing for a few seconds longer than necessary in a playful attempt to make her squirm a little. “Okay, I have one.” He decided to start with something pretty basic, not wanting her to back out and put a stop to the game before it had even really begun. “You mentioned your mom liking me being from London so I’m assuming she’s the English one.. What do your parents do? I literally know nothing about them so yeah, what are their jobs, how did they meet, do you want a relationship like theirs? Like when you’re older obviously..”

[joshua-buckley]

rosethcrn​:

her shoulders briefly rose at his explanation, head tilting back and forth as if to mumble, yeah, checks out. though, the small motion seemed to come to a full stop at the mention of his mother’s desperation to meet her. if saffie had been chewing on something, this would be the moment when her mouth hung open just enough for some lettuce or something to comically fall out. however, just as quickly, she came back into motion, a low hum of a chuckle meeting her closed lips at the thought of JJ being embarrassed. with that in mind, perhaps meeting his parents wouldn’t be too bad. “still,” the redhead noted, eyes flickering down at his cufflinks, noting the fidgeting. they rose again at the reference to his sisters. the only two people in the world who probably intimidated seraphina more than mr. and mrs. buckley. watching him pick up his menu, she moved to do the same, though she refrained from looking down to read—clearly bent on observing his reaction for a few more seconds.

“wait, what?” if she hadn’t been holding her menu, her nails would’ve immediately dug into her palms, hearing herself back. fuck, rewind. “wait,” she started again, slower, backtracking through what he’d said. before he’d turned the question back towards her. “meeting your parents is a big deal to me,” saf revealed, though she mumbled through the statement just a touch. mostly due to a slight and persistent embarrassment. “i mean, i’m not disappointed. honestly, i’m relieved.” that did it—that got her to glance down at her menu. anything so that she didn’t have to make eye-contact while saying that. however, she resumed her gaze quickly enough, adding, “but purely… out of nerves.” a hastened sigh left her, saf setting her menu down so that she could once again rest her forearms on the table. “if it wasn’t completely obvious, i’ve been stressing about making a good impression.” it pained her how difficult it was to admit—to admit to him, of all people, even now. after everything. the realization rubbed her the wrong way and, thus, before he could quite respond, she spoke again. “okay, so we don’t… really talk about this much. then let’s talk about it.” in a change that might’ve frightened anyone else, a smile began tugging at the corners of her mouth. a challenge.

He would have just gone ahead and finished verbalising his assumption initially, he mused, if he’d have known he was going to get berated either way. His parents had pushed for this dinner, it wasn’t as if either of the pair had proactively tried to make this situation happen. Family seemed to be something they both preferred to keep private. It wasn’t meant as any kind of attack on the red head, just an observation. Relieved. A furrowed brow and what could only be described as a half frustrated sigh/half exasperated scoff was all he could manage in response. It was bizarre how having his own feelings described back to him could be so jarring. For a split second he was ready to leave. Because what were they really doing? If she had absolutely no interest in meeting the only people in his life aside from her that he truly cared for, why were they even here? She spoke again just in time, catching him before his overthinking pulled him into yet another spiral. He couldn’t help but think back to the freshman kid in the Hastings hallway that had tried to trade a few valium for a joint just before he’d met up with Saf. He’d avoided all pills since their last big fight, not wanting to be any kind of bad influence. Still, the thought of being high enough to just not give a shit in a situation like this had him almost regretting his decision. Almost. “I think I completely underestimated how anxious I felt- Well... Feel? So ditto.” He relaxed into his chair a little, before almost instantly straightening back up realising how little context he’d given to his agreement. “Not about you making a good impression. I- They’ll love you. I’ve never doubted that for a second. They’re just... A lot. And I guess I just- I guess, I was more worried that you wouldn’t like them back?” He couldn’t match her smirk, instead apparently rambling was the only way he felt fit to respond. “And I mean it’s weird right? That they know about you and you don’t really know about them. That’s pretty unusual I think. Maybe. And then it makes me think, you know, do your parents even know that I exist?” 

[rosethcrn]

→ @joshua-buckley​

a fair bit of relief came over saf as she and JJ entered the upscale restaurant, eyes having immediately scanned the place like a nineties sci-fi robot. it wasn’t that she didn’t want to meet his parents—she did—but the nerves had definitely been gnawing at her from the inside. deep, deep inside. of course, she hadn’t told JJ that, though she assumed he’d picked up on a few tells. her suggesting they leave early enough to make sure they wouldn’t be late. her asking for his opinion on her outfit, twice… two days ago. true, saffie didn’t know exactly what his parents wanted or expected from her, but she’d wanted to be prepared for anything. attribute it to her analytical nature—or the fact that she’d never been introduced to anyone’s parents before. anyone important to her, anyway. now, however, as they were led to their table, her shoulders released a noticeable last bit of tension; as if, despite the update that they wouldn’t be able to make it, there was still a possibility they’d turn a corner and find them sitting at their table.

once they’d each settled in and got some water, saf allowed a few seconds for their server to walk away. then, with both forearms coming to rest atop the table, she met JJ’s eyes. her fingers drummed for a moment as she readjusted in her seat. “are you disappointed?” she wondered aloud. not the most tactful first thing to say at the dinner table, but it was on her mind. as if to try and soften the blow, she then abruptly added, “i mean, my parents are far from parents of the year and i’d still be a bit bummed.” an understatement, really. if her parents had planned to meet with them—to meet JJ—and then blew them off, she’d be furious. not that his parents blew them off. the albrights’ motives and intentions, however, were far less pure, she assumed.

[joshua-buckley]

Joshua had always felt out of place is restaurants like this. They always made him feel like a bit of a fraud. No amount of fancy clothes or learned etiquette could hide the fact that he was so obviously from new money, and people in places like this could always smell it on him a mile away. He’d often felt a similar judgement in his early days at Hastings, but had learned to ignore it. A task that was eternally more difficult when he was around his parents. Their rain check had been a little annoying if not typical. One delayed flight and they had quickly become behind schedule and now a night he’d been stressing over for weeks was nothing more than an overly fancy date with his girlfriend.

“No, not disappointed..” Now he felt bad. His relief had blinded him to the fact that Saf might see this as a reflection on her or their relationship, something that couldn’t have been further from the truth. “Their itineraries are always pretty back to back when they travel for work and despite my mums obvious desperation to get to know you and embarrass me, attempting to fit in time to travel across the country just to meet us for dinner was always going to be a push.” He fiddled a little with one of his Knicks cufflinks. A gift from his mother that only ever came out when he was planning on seeing her, knowing she’d ask if he still liked them if he didn’t. “Besides, they’re over here often enough, I’m sure you’ll have to endure the whole meet the parents shtick at some point. It’s just a shame you didn’t get to see Georgie and Syd. I think they were pretty excited to finally get to talk to you.” His sisters were a lot. In fact, his whole family was a lot and if anything, the pair had narrowly avoided disaster. One night with his family could have been enough to scare her, or any sane person mind, away. He eyed the menu as if it was in a foreign language, eyes not quite following the lines, scanning the paper for words he recognised as he spoke. “Thank you for coming though. To meet them I mean? I know families aren’t really something we discuss much- I doubt meeting mine was really something you… I don’t even know what I’m saying. But thanks.” He glanced over at her, his subconscious apprehension painted more obviously on his features than he would have liked. “What about you Albright? Are you disappointed?”

[aeroplvne]

[joshua-buckley]

saffiealbright​:

he lifted his shoulders with ease and her eyes briefly fell to meet them. how cool and nonchalant, all but detached to the question it followed. how cool saf used to think JJ was, when they were only so close that they new each other as the versions they presented to the rest of the world. but no one was ever cool, not really. not in the way film, television, and the modern mecca that was social media forced fed you to believe. people were goofy, or got angry—they slipped and faltered in ways that were both entirely unappealing and utterly charming if you stuck around long enough. and she’d known JJ long enough, seen enough sides to notice the way his grin remained tender where it used to revert to smugness; their genuineness previously a match that could only burn so long before being snuffed out. though, now, it continued to flicker, saf’s own palm gently moving to rest over his. her eyes remained foreword in a gaze unbroken as her index finger began to trace his hand. “of course i missed you,” she said. the first thought that’d come to mind at the voiced assumption. something she’d forego saying so plainly in the past. but she, saf was well aware, was no cooler than he was, nor did she want to be. even if her tone maintained a hint of its teasing nature. “—and, thank you. i might even prefer you saying that to you telling me i look like shit.” her nose scrunched. “maybe.”

then, like time had resumed or the world had snapped back into place, she stole a glance down at her things. “want to head up?” she asked, referring to either of their rooms. “have you even unpacked or did you immediately set out to find me?” her brows rose toyingly, though the entirety of her expression remained joyous. he knew, likely more than her own family did, that she was the kind of deranged that unpacked upon arrival. “i could… help, if you need it.” had that been to obvious? too subtle? did it matter? it’d been more than a couple days, of course she was itching to get back to one of their rooms.

Of course I missed you. He couldn’t help but grin wider as she spoke, hearing her speak so casually about them in this kind of way was still new enough that it surprised him every time it happened. This new, uncharted territory in their relationship that they’d had to leave on pause over winter break, had led to JJ trying to work through any of his reservations and bad habits. Not wanting to fall into the same traps they had previously. One of those habits was centred around his own ego and lack of self awareness when it came to them. Hindsight was a bitch and he’d been able to over analyse some of their arguments enough to deduct that ego was the route of the issue, his issue at least. He was obviously far more physically affectionate than he’d ever really cared to think about and clearly Saffie wasn’t always thrilled about it. Even in his subconscious while fast asleep he’d pull her closer, and often wake to find her immediately trying to escape his embrace as soon as she’d regained consciousness. It was awkward. And embarrassing. And left his ego feeling plenty deflated. Understanding social constructs and norms was his literal profession though, and he figured that he could devise a way to stop such a non-issue from leading to actual issues for the pair. He was done with affectionate impulses for the time being. Making an effort to be that little bit more calculated in his interactions with her. Some nonsense about Love Languages came to mind as he tried to navigate this new normal. Val had mused that this issue was to do with the fact that they express love differently, and although he didn’t trust much in science that the likes of Co-Star presented, it made enough sense for him to not completely dismiss it. The key of course to this working was him being subtle with these changes, nonchalant even. Something JJ wasn’t exactly a master of. Saf’s hints that she wanted to go somewhere private weren’t lost on him, though it messed up his plan a little, her Christmas gifts already ready to hand over, and coffees waiting to be drunk. He’d already nearly blabbed her gifts to her over FaceTime multiple times, awful enough at waiting to give presents without the added stress of them being on opposite sides of the world. He shook his head a little, lifted the bag that had previously been beside his chair and placed it between them on the table. “We can go wherever you want, but open these first?”

[saffiealbright]

joshua-buckley​:

The frost that clung to the entrance of Hastings appeared more like a thin layer of dust now, in stark contrast to the thick and brittle clouds of white that had invaded the beautiful buildings archways upon his last visit. Winter break never lasted quite long enough, he thought to himself as he lugged his cases along with him through the familiar hallways. It had been nice, being home with his family.  The Buckley’s were surprisingly low-key when it came to Christmas. Just his immediate family and both sets of grandparents in the family home. Dad would always burn the potatoes, his grandma would always waste days slaving over a Christmas pudding not even she enjoyed to eat, and without fail every year on boxing day regardless of the weather, he and his family would take part in the Bucklympics, and he would be reminded yet again that his parents were absolutely insane. The intimacy was gone by New Years Eve, the family home abandoned for a French Chateau, boardgames replaced by loud parties and the kids he’d grown up with appearing like strangers as they all awkwardly reminisced about the glory days before the edibles took the edge off of the coke and they were reminded of the sad truth that nepotism was bad and they were probably never going to feel as if they’d earned anything in their privileged little lives. 

So perhaps the break hadn’t been perfect, but still, forgetting the stress of his bachelors for a few weeks had been necessary. He could have easily stayed a while longer if it wasn’t for Europe’s absence of one Seraphina Albright. They’d talked near enough everyday, enough for him to know what she was up to, but far too little for him to avoid the slight ache that had begun to spread across his chest with every little smile or scoff she’d given him over FaceTime. Though he didn’t plan on ever letting her know, he was a complete sucker for her at this point, and a few weeks apart after near constant contact for months had been difficult. So much so that he’d rescheduled his flight to leave a few days early, hoping to catch her off guard and get one of those raw, unedited Saf reactions that he was occasionally treated to. 

JJ had managed to get to his room without being detected, dropping off his luggage and grabbing a quick shower before he even let himself think about finding Saffie. Jetlag was certain to get the best of him if he didn’t get some caffeine in his body soon, so he’d set about getting the pair some coffee prior to returning to his room to grab her gifts and heading towards where he hoped he’d find her. His girlfriend was far from predictable, he knew better than to assume otherwise. She did however seem to favor routine, especially when it came to studying and if his predictions were right, he’d find her in their preferred Hastings study for at least another hour. 

His first glimpse of her fiery red hair had him grinning immediately, resisting the urge he had to head straight over to her and pull her into his arms rather dramatically. Instead he took the long way round, ducking slightly so his head didn’t stick out over the top of bookcases as he made his way over to their table. She seemed entirely immersed in something on her laptop, so much so that he probably could have risked walking straight over to her without her noticing. Her focus made it easy enough for him to casually drop into his usual seat beside her, pushing her usual coffee order practically under her nose in the hope it might get her attention. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re super hot when you code? You’re like a… Sexy genius or something. It’s a great look.”  @saffiealbright​

saffie had slipped back into her routine at yates as one slipped on their favorite old ivy league pullover—with haste and ease. in her absence from campus over winter break she’d actually longed to return to the lofty campus and, more specifically, the hastings house that felt more akin to a home than her parents’ high rise on the park. she sat within its refurbished library walls now, already tucked away into a study that’d practically become her own over the past four years. claimed territory that didn’t need to be spoken aloud to be duly noted by others. except that the spot wasn’t hers alone. saf’s eyes, which had been reflecting the light from her laptop for at least an hour now, flickered up from the screen and swiftly landed on the empty seat across from her. one foot even swung forward in its direction, the girl imagining the tip of her boot-clad foot meeting JJ’s shin with a nudge. nothing.

her gaze came back to the bright screen with languidness; a cat settling back into her perch. shoulders rolled back, hands rose to tighten the ponytail that held back her red strands, and fingertips resumed their places at the keyboard. the almost ceaseless tack-tack-tacking could be heard all throughout the large room and likely just out into the hall, the silence it was met with soothing enough that saf didn’t require headphones. then again, it was quite often that the thoughts that inhabited her head were loud enough to drown out any noise within the vicinity anyway. a saving grace most days, a habit that resulted in consequences others.

today, it seemed, favored the latter. that is, if you considered submerging oneself in the following week’s coursework worthy of consequence and being noticeably startled by a mere cup of coffee a fitting ramification. both hands froze in place above the computer keys, saf’s chin promptly lifting. typically she’d wait until she was finished with a line of code or practice test question to look up from her work—because god forbid she lose her train of thought—but some things were just too intriguing to make wait. for some seconds she only blinked back at him, at JJ, a smile slowly spreading across her lips. full teeth, insuppressible. then, “yeah. yeah, i think i’ve probably heard that once or twice.” an elbow met the surface of the table, hand momentarily covering her mouth. still, the motion did nothing to subdue her excitement. it was obvious in the way she looked at him alone, wide-eyed. almost as though she were in awe. elbow brushing with her laptop, she was quick to shut it and carefully push it, as well as her coffee, aside. and, well, with all of this now free space across the tabletop, she would’ve been remiss not to lift from her seat a couple inches, lean over, and hastily press a kiss to his lips. though it was brief, she lingered a few seconds longer just an inch from his face. then, releasing a breath of a laugh, she sat back. “i thought you weren’t coming back for a few more days,” she picked up, delighted in her own subdued way. admittedly surprised. she’d missed him—the him she could see in person and reach over to tug closer if she felt the sudden need. could he tell?

[joshua-buckley]

JJ arched a brow as Saffie pulled back, half tempted to push out of his own chair an inch and close the distance between them again. Instead he settled for a wide smirk as she stayed close for a moment. His gaze stayed on hers as she sat back down, tilting his head to the side as she spoke. He mused that he slightly resembled a puppy listening intently to praise, smirk settling into a warm grin as he watched her. The question pulled a small shrug from him, trying his best to seem unbothered. “Eh… I didn’t want to fall behind in my classes.” It was a lie. He was more than comfortable with the syllabus and often grew bored of the way the start of each semester seemed to be one long recap of everything he’s already learned. He’d missed her. That much was obvious. But even their new normal wouldn’t allow for that kind of unabashed admission. Instead, he reached across the table, letting his arm rest palm up. There for her to take if she wanted. “Also- I figured you’d be missing me? What kind of a boyfriend would I be if I left you waiting for me unnecessarily, huh?” A wink, as obnoxious as it was crude, quickly followed his words. He wasn’t sure why she put up with him, honestly. But, god, was he glad to see her. The second her eyes left his, he let his eyes wonder over her face, all of his favourite curves and lines almost surreal now he could see them in person again. “Also you’re beautiful. I know I’ve kind of said that already, but it’s true, so I’m saying it again.”

[joshua-buckley]

The frost that clung to the entrance of Hastings appeared more like a thin layer of dust now, in stark contrast to the thick and brittle clouds of white that had invaded the beautiful buildings archways upon his last visit. Winter break never lasted quite long enough, he thought to himself as he lugged his cases along with him through the familiar hallways. It had been nice, being home with his family.  The Buckley’s were surprisingly low-key when it came to Christmas. Just his immediate family and both sets of grandparents in the family home. Dad would always burn the potatoes, his grandma would always waste days slaving over a Christmas pudding not even she enjoyed to eat, and without fail every year on boxing day regardless of the weather, he and his family would take part in the Bucklympics, and he would be reminded yet again that his parents were absolutely insane. The intimacy was gone by New Years Eve, the family home abandoned for a French Chateau, boardgames replaced by loud parties and the kids he’d grown up with appearing like strangers as they all awkwardly reminisced about the glory days before the edibles took the edge off of the coke and they were reminded of the sad truth that nepotism was bad and they were probably never going to feel as if they’d earned anything in their privileged little lives. 

So perhaps the break hadn’t been perfect, but still, forgetting the stress of his bachelors for a few weeks had been necessary. He could have easily stayed a while longer if it wasn’t for Europe’s absence of one Seraphina Albright. They’d talked near enough everyday, enough for him to know what she was up to, but far too little for him to avoid the slight ache that had begun to spread across his chest with every little smile or scoff she’d given him over FaceTime. Though he didn’t plan on ever letting her know, he was a complete sucker for her at this point, and a few weeks apart after near constant contact for months had been difficult. So much so that he’d rescheduled his flight to leave a few days early, hoping to catch her off guard and get one of those raw, unedited Saf reactions that he was occasionally treated to. 

JJ had managed to get to his room without being detected, dropping off his luggage and grabbing a quick shower before he even let himself think about finding Saffie. Jetlag was certain to get the best of him if he didn’t get some caffeine in his body soon, so he’d set about getting the pair some coffee prior to returning to his room to grab her gifts and heading towards where he hoped he’d find her. His girlfriend was far from predictable, he knew better than to assume otherwise. She did however seem to favor routine, especially when it came to studying and if his predictions were right, he’d find her in their preferred Hastings study for at least another hour. 

His first glimpse of her fiery red hair had him grinning immediately, resisting the urge he had to head straight over to her and pull her into his arms rather dramatically. Instead he took the long way round, ducking slightly so his head didn’t stick out over the top of bookcases as he made his way over to their table. She seemed entirely immersed in something on her laptop, so much so that he probably could have risked walking straight over to her without her noticing. Her focus made it easy enough for him to casually drop into his usual seat beside her, pushing her usual coffee order practically under her nose in the hope it might get her attention. “Has anyone ever told you that you’re super hot when you code? You’re like a... Sexy genius or something. It’s a great look.”  @saffiealbright​

[joshua-buckley]

saffiealbright·:

i’m sorry, i’m really sorry. her head shook again with immediacy, not having been looking for some sort of apology. that had never been her angle—to be on the receiving end of pity as a result of her own idiotic actions. sure, in many other situations she would’ve readily accepted his ‘sorry,’ even taking some satisfaction in the shift from tension to potential regret. but now it just felt wrong. seraphina didn’t want his apology, as nice as the brief verbal gesture was, she wanted him to accept hers. she wanted to be reassured in some way that it was okay, that things would be okay, and that he wouldn’t ultimately cast her out after everything she’d done. the ever-looming fear, ever since they’d found themselves in their turbulent cycle of habits. even greater than the fear of disappointing her family and losing them, she could plainly recognize now, hands opening so that she could cover her face with them for a second. a hastened exhale left her as she sat back up, hands moving to now grip the end of the bed at either side of her. “it wasn’t,” saf backtracked a touch, “it wasn’t hard at all. in fact, it was far too easy. and—and that’s the problem.”

for the first time since she began her explanation, she looked up at JJ. really looked at him. “i should’ve told you, but i didn’t, because i was afraid. and i should’ve told you about tonight, but i didn’t because i was ashamed.” an almost uncharacteristic half-smile tugged at the corner of her lips, nervous, eyes flickering away as her hands began to motion some out in front of her. “—and, fuck, i love you and i didn’t want this to be the thing that convinced you it’s not worth it. after everything.” her head shook a final time, though this time noticeably at herself, eyes downcast on her lap. “but i should’ve. i’m sorry, i should’ve let you in instead of… shoving you out.”

Joshua couldn’t help but frown as she rebuffed his apology. It wasn’t hard. What did that even mean? The far too familiar pang of disappointment hitting him as he rationalised her retort. Maybe it wasn’t hard because his opinion of her didn’t matter? Or because omitting the truth from him didn’t bother her? He had his own secrets, it seemed as if everybody they knew did, but it definitely wasn’t easy for him to keep them from her. This had turned out to be a rather awful day, he mused, dragging his eyes away from her again as he focused on his bags splayed out in front of him. The pair had argued about something tedious, he’d internalised his frustration and now it seemed as if she could be about to call the whole thing off. Maybe? He wasn’t sure. The energy between them was definitely uneasy though, the space that separated the two seemingly growing as they mumbled at each other from across the room. Before he could manage a response of his own she was talking again. Honestly, he was relieved, not entirely sure of what he was supposed to say, her gaze burning into the side of his head as he fought to keep his own unchanged. There was no way he was willing to be vulnerable with her now, unsure of her motives. Though they’d broken up a dozen times before, it would inevitably hurt more this time. It was different now. Drunken confessions and sober decisions had led to them becoming something that resembled a functioning relationship. Sometimes. 

This new explanation made more sense to him. Fear and shame far more relatable than the ease she’d mentioned before. There was a tone shift that was unmistakeable and he almost instantly felt ridiculous for being so paranoid only a few moments earlier, allowing himself to glance over at her. His brows flexed, bemused by her slight smile and how it contrasted what she was saying. Then came the words he’d never even imagined he’d hear her say. Suddenly he was a deer in the headlights, caught entirely off guard with no real grip on how he felt or rather, how he was supposed to feel. There wasn’t anything particularly reassuring about his lack of a reaction, he realized. It was the same way he’d behaved every other time someone had confessed any deep feelings for him. Of course, usually his shock was due to his inability to understand how anyone could feel so strongly when he felt so little. This was entirely different. The words didn’t scare him like they had in the past. If he was being entirely honest, he’d had to stop himself from saying them to her innumerable times over the past few months. Swallowing down every I love you and replacing it with a sigh or a joke, maybe even an insult depending on the situation. Him loving her was common knowledge as far as he was concerned. Anyone could see it if they really looked. But her loving him wasn’t something he’d ever even allowed himself to imagine. He had assumed he didn’t concern herself with such nonsensical things.

Her last words echoed in his mind, causing him to roll his eyes as he let his own gaze drop once more. “I love you too.” There was no trace of nerves or doubt as he spoke, as if he’d said it to her a thousand times before and it’s meaning was far less terrifying to them both than it was. “I don’t know if you said that on purpose, or if you misspoke, or if maybe that phrase means something different to you Yanks and I’m making a complete fool of myself by saying it back but-” A small shrug left him as he glanced over at her again. “But, I do. And I can’t think of any possible reason that you would ever be not worth it. Even if you do drive me completely fucking insane...” He allowed his smirk to peak through as he gave her another quick look. “Are you still in one of those moods where you don’t want me too close?”

[lovegoodchris]

Tom webb

[joshua-buckley]

saffiealbright​:

for one fearful moment she really thought he was done. she was convinced, what with the way his head shook and he walked right past her, that JJ was finally done with all of her shit. that this, somehow, had become the tipping point. a culmination of struggles small and large—communication issues, frustrations, avoidance, and finally one big problem to prove that seraphina albright was actually fucked up—that made him realize that he didn’t want to do it anymore. that it’d just be easier and somehow more worth it if he walked away. separated himself. the thought provoked a memory from not that long ago, in which JJ read something to her aloud. a rilke poem—his favorite at that moment. unbeknownst to him, she’d revisited it a few times since, picking it apart in the way that she felt she had to when she didn’t just get something. how can i keep my soul in me, so that it doesn’t touch your soul? it was cruelly ironic, the way it came together now, the struggling of it all, while watching him lift his bang to his shoulder and grab a hoodie that must’ve been thrown aside earlier in the night. how can i raise it high enough, past you, to other things?

saffie swallowed, hoping the motion would sooth the growing lump in her throat, turning so that she could face him wholly again. it wasn’t much of a conscious decision—more so something her body felt the need to do without entirely making her aware. even if this was it, even as she waited for him to say something that would confirm he was tired of it, she needed to look at him. she just needed to. her line of sight rose as he neared, maintaining contact with his eyes despite a truly unfair height advantage and fear of what very well may happen next. except… it didn’t. “oh—” she spoke too soon, releasing a breath as his words register. “right. i do. um—okay.” she then nodded, turning away from the basketball court and beginning to walk.

it wasn’t until they were back in her room that she realized it wasn’t the most convenient choice. JJ still had his things, which usually wouldn’t be a problem, but in this case may have been another small burden to add to the pile. it was too late to go back and continue down the hall, though, saf moving to sit at the edge of her bed once she’d shut the door behind them. a nervousness—a shame—foreign to her typically indifferent presentation inhabited her, even finding its way to one of her hands as it rose to move some hair from her face. “so… what’s going on has been happening for a few months.” the timeline wouldn’t get more specific than that. the loss of time, the unawareness of its passing, had been one of the more worrying effects on her end, the impact of it seeming to hit her now as she looked back. “i was really overwhelmed with school work and a few other things and i just needed more time. i—” something stopped her then, mouth quickly shutting and frustration furrowing between her brows. she didn’t want to hide behind excuses. so, off with the band-aid it was. “i’ve been abusing adderall. buying it off of someone.” her eyes met the floor, hands holding one-another and fidgeting some. “last week i fell asleep in a lecture hall… for a class i didn’t even have that day. when my instructor woke me up, i didn’t immediately remember how i got there and, well,” a sigh left her, “i guess that’s when my parents were called. apparently, i’ve also been ‘showing signs of burn out’ and ‘taking on too much.’” saffie brought her chin to her still clasped hands, leaning over so that it could rest there. her head then shook, still not making eye-contact with JJ. “i didn’t mean for it to get out of hand, but…” a weak shrug lifted her shoulders, humiliated.

Back in familiar territory for the pair, he let his belongings fall to the ground beside his feet, leaning back against her desk and spinning his basketball on the spot atop a closed textbook absentmindedly as he waited for her to speak. It was laughable really, the sight of them both only a letterman jacket away from seeming like a scene from something reminiscent ofJohn Hughes movie. Him the jock, her the princess, waiting for some big reveal that might change their relationship forever. They both looked the part. Though he wasn’t a jock really. He didn’t quite fit the mold of any archetype, all the parts and none of the whole. Nothing substantial enough for him to ever really feel as if he made much sense in the social ecosystem of Yates, much less anywhere else. It had been a complete overreaction for him to take her embarrassment of him so personally that it had led him to spiral. But here he was, feeling rather sorry for himself as he waited for her to clue him in on whatever it was she’d been struggling with. His concern that her struggle had been legitimate had been enough to persuade him to travel back with her, but along the way he’d managed to convince himself that it could have just been her laying the foundations for another excuse. Her way of cushioning his embarrassment and avoiding any lasting tension between them.

As she began to speak his gaze stayed on the ball, resisting the urge to reference Harry Potter as she mentioned needing more time, a time-turner coming to mind almost immediately. At the mention of abusing adderall however his eyes instantly met her own, their line of sight only crossing for a moment as she looked down to the floor. Well shit, he really had been oblivious. His focus stayed on her as she continued, expressionless as he listened. There was no judgement on his end. His own attempts at ethnography had led to him becoming quite the yes man on campus. Taking any drug or substance that had been offered to him at parties or out in the quad over the past few years, all part of his so called study into American college culture. Three years in of course, this had led to him taking drugs and drinking far too often for his liking, but he’d made no effort to stop. What Saffie was saying was different though. Addiction wasn’t something he had any experience with, and she was the last person he’d have ever expected to be referred to as a drug induced burnout.

The real issue here though was that she’d been struggling. For months. And he obviously hadn’t noticed. She barely slept and was seemingly always working. He should have put two and two together, surely. Everything he’d put down to her just being a hard worker and a perfectionist with her work, all signs of something he was too distracted to question. “I’m sorry...” He didn’t really allow himself time to process the words before he’d mumbled them, unsure of how to follow up and stumbling slightly as he attempted to get his thoughts in order. “That- I mean, it must have been hard? Going through all of that on your own. I didn’t- I’m really sorry.”

[joshua-buckley]

saffiealbright​:

it’s fine. okay, so it wasn’t fine. she’d known this wasn’t going to be particularly easy, but something about his dismissive response especially didn’t sit well with her. if there were a few things she’d come to terms with their last year and some change together, one of them was that she’d much rather fight it out in the moment than let things simmer. doing so only ever seemed to further the chasm that could appear between them, with neither one exactly eager to try and cross it. but things were different now, weren’t they? despite what little she had to show for it, she’d been trying—truly trying—and to continue doing that meant working through the mistakes she’d make. because like it or not, she knew times would come where she’d make them, just as she had earlier that evening.

his immediate suggestion that she leave drew a sigh from her lips, the expressions that crossed saffie’s face—confusion as her eyes flickered over his own clothing, guilt as she found his gaze again—unguarded in a way that wasn’t exactly typical for her. he spoke again of tomorrow, or whenever, and she couldn’t suppress the next word that came to pass her lips. “joshua,” she spoke, not usually one to use his full first name. it was delivered in a tone that implied a silent, come on. a tone that, though a bit on edge, pleaded with him to stop blowing her off. the irony didn’t escape her. “okay, look,” she continued, most of the tension leaving her voice, “you don’t have to talk, but i want to, so…” her head shook, one arm coming to cross over her chest while the other’s palm cupped her cheek. nervous fidgeting disguised as getting comfortable to the best of her ability. “i was embarrassed.” though she fought not to look away, her line of sight drifted off to the side for a couple seconds. then, drawing a deep breath as both arms moved to hug the front of her body, she looked back at JJ. “i’ve been… struggling with something and they found out and i didn’t want you there while i groveled with them not to cut me off, effectively taking me out of school.” some of the aggression and deeper sadness she hadn’t been able to expression towards her parents began inhabiting the words. “—because i didn’t want you to find out that way.”

JJ couldn’t help but notice as she altered her position to wrap her arms around her front. Almost as if she was comforting herself. A move that while could often be construed as her strengthening her defences now seemingly softer, more vulnerable. It made him want to cross the distance between them almost instantly, wrap his own arms around her in an attempt to soothe whatever thoughts were plaguing her. He’d attempted that once before today however and it hadn’t exactly gone to plan. The audible sigh it had earned him still echoing in his ears as he stood his ground. He struggled to make much sense of the rest of her words, confusion obvious as he tried to replay them in his mind. Like a riddle or puzzle he couldn’t quite piece together. She’d been struggling with something. Something so obvious that someone had reached out to her parents. Something that would have upset them enough to warrent her having to grovel to avoid losing their financial support. It was seemingly solvable, there were plenty of things that could have caused her seemingly uptight parents to become upset. It was the somber fact that this something whatever it may be, was something that he hadn’t noticed himself that made the riddle all but indecipherable. Was he really that oblivious? That he’d been able to overlook something that was apparently a huge deal? They spent so much time together, and he’d someone completely ignored this struggle. “I...” He didn’t know what to say really. He wasn’t going to interrogate her out here in the cold. Though he couldn’t exactly send her on her way and go back to working out, not now. Instead he let out a breath and shook his head, moving past her and over to his belongings, slinging his bag over his shoulders and grabbing his hoodie before he walked back towards her. Basketball still under his arm, he shrugged the best he could, trying to make eye contact with her despite his lack of understanding of whatever she was trying to tell him. “We should go inside. You really do look cold, Saf..” He busied his free hand, gripping at the strap of his gym bag to avoid it awkwardly hanging freely between them. “We can talk. If you want to. Like if you want to tell me what’s going on? It’s also okay if you don’t want to- I mean- Whatever makes you comfortable.”

[joshua-buckley]

saffiealbright​:

she’d made the mistaken of taking a small step forward, not anticipating the way he’d suddenly turned over one shoulder and continued to stand in her doorway. the motion had brought her an inch, maybe two, closer and if she didn’t have to look up some to meet his eyes before, she surely did now. a hand reached up to tuck some hair behind one ear as he spoke—taking shots at her, and rightfully so—the opposite arm crossing over her chest. there was no point in interrupting or trying to backtrack now, as disappointing as the fact was. as much as she wanted to amend some of the things he’d said. because, plain and simple, she did want to talk to him. she did want to feel him there. however, those innocent, sensible desires had become warped, lost in translation somewhere within her synapses. where she wanted to lean into his touch, she instead created a distance. an all too comfortable chasm. it’d so often before kept her safe, but now it’d become something of a detriment. have a nice night. it was all she could do to stay planted, drawing a deep breath and allowing it to fill her chest and then release. then, after letting a few seconds pass, she too turned away from the door, shut it, and left.

***

not many people were out and about, driving in their cars by the time saf came back from the dinner; the term being used loosely, seeing as she’d hardly touched anything. her car’s headlights alone illuminated the street in a faint glow as she pulled up as close to hastings as she could get. putting the little black vehicle into park, she reached up to lower the driver’s side visor, slide the mirror open, and take a good look at the face that met her there. tired eyes framed by smudged black and brown, cupid’s-bow lips set in a nearly permanent frown, the unmistakable streak of black that’d left a trail down one cheek. and the bags—were they always so bad? releasing a curt sigh, she leaned over to pull some tissues from the glovebox. a crumpled few met her face in gentle swipes until there wasn’t a trace of makeup or discernable sadness left. without even a second to take another good look, saf finally opened the door, stepped out of the car, and made the short walk to the house.

she’d decided at some point on the drive back that one of the first things she should do upon getting back was find JJ, though the idea seemed discouragingly more tiresome now. still, after having made a quick stop at her room to change, she started making the rounds. his room, the studies, the quad. finally, pulling up the collar of her aviator jacket, she began to cross campus and head towards the last spot she could think of. if he wasn’t there, she’d have no choice but to give up, seeing as the cool night air already had her limbs shaking and face going numb. luckily enough, though, as she approached the court she could just spot the familiar figure that was her boyfriend. “hey,” she called out once she’d come within a few feet of the hoop, voice verging on hoarse. the sound prompted her to clear her throat, fingertips briefly coming to meet her throat. “i’m sorry for being an ass earlier.” it was all she’d prepared to say, not having had the mental bandwidth to plan out any more. still, figuring it wasn’t quite enough, she moved to lean against the hoop and opened her mouth to say more. “you were right. i was stressed and i shouldn’t have taken it out on you by being short.” she nodded once, gaze falling to the ground. “—and difficult. your offer was nice.” god, it all sounded so lame, so flat. it often occurred to her that JJ deserved so much better than she could apparently deliver, and this? well, it was one such moment of recognition.

JJ had tried to study, he really had. Rather notorious for procrastinating in the most dramatic of ways, he’d limited distractions and had intended on spending the evening sat at his desk, trying not to fall asleep. It had been no time at all before an invite from a friend was enticing enough to pull him from his work. Streetball was of little to no interest to him usually, but it was always easier to keep himself distracted when he and Saf were arguing and sport was the easiest way to do so. As always, as it got darker and colder, one by one the other guys he was playing with heading back to their dorms. Eventually it was just him left, working on his endurance until he spotted his girlfriend walking towards him. He stilled with the ball in his hands, surprised and a little frustrated at her arrival. He was never unhappy to see her, but he couldn’t help but feel like it was a little typical. Now her parents had probably already set off back to New York, the two of them could make up without there being any risk of JJ poking his nose around in an part of her life she clearly didn’t want him to know about.

“It’s fine...” He was still catching his breath a little as he spoke, tucking the ball under his arm as soon as it was obvious that she had made it impossible for him to take a shot without risking accidentally hitting her with the ball. “You should get back to Hastings though, wouldn’t want you getting too cold.” He was a hypocrite really. The sweatpants and T-shirt ensemble he had on was hardly weather appropriate. His hoodie had been discarded with his belongings only a foot or two behind where Saffie now stood beside the net and if had any sense he’d have reached for it an hour ago. He didn’t feel the cold in that moment though, the sweat between his brow still managing to be evident despite the temperature. It had also caused his shirt to cling to his back, his free hand reaching behind him to pull at the fabric and relieve himself of the annoyance for a moment. “I’ll probably be out here for a while, but we can talk tomorrow, or whenever.” He couldn’t remember the last time the two of them had both been on campus and not in contact for longer than twenty four hours, not since they’d become official, or whatever they were. And he didn’t have a right to be so passive aggressive, not really. She’d come to apologize, though he didn’t really put much blame on her for how he felt in that moment. It wasn’t her fault that he probably wasn’t proper enough to be liked by her parents. Despite his parent’s accomplishments and fortune, he was still just a common kid really. He didn’t come from a long line of prestigious and powerful businessmen and women, he was going to be the first person in his family for generations to even graduate. He’d reasoned that he’d have nothing to even talk to them about. Not that he knew even as little as their job titles, but he could just sense that they were considerably more sophisticated than his own parents. So it was fine, he understood why she’d have avoided mentioning the dinner to him and why she was so quick to get defensive when he offered to come along. It made sense.

[joshua-buckley]

saffiealbright​:

by the time she’d finished with the second shoe JJ had already made it back to the door, saf’s gaze flickering down to find the books now under his arm. part of her was very aware in that moment of how dismissive she was being—how brief and under wraps—but if it weren’t that, it’d be anxiety and stress. a mess of emotions she’d undoubtedly carry into the rest of the evening. as pretentious as it was, she didn’t lose her cool very often and this simply couldn’t be the moment she cracked. not even in attempt to garner reassurance, not even in these fleeting moments with him. composure, apparently, was the one useful thing she’d learned from her parents, rebuilt and modified to fit her own arsenal. but then there was JJ’s comment, and there was no preventing the bit of perplexity that found its way across her face. surely, it was meant as a joke, right? if not just an actually kind offer. a nice idea. a riff on the whole outfit disparity thing. still, it’s implications quickly seeped into her thoughts like wine to a dress, practically impossible to get out. and they sucked.

“yeah?” seraphina prompted, standing up. even in three inch heels he stood a full head above her. a bit of a sardonic chuckle slipped past her lips as she hurriedly stepped around her bed and reached for a small black bag hanging off her vanity chair by its chain. “because that’s a low i’d stoop to, right? passing you off as a driver, because you’re not in head-to-toe black tie?” she slung the chain strap over one should and cast one last glance in the mirror. “because that’s something i really care about?” the irony hadn’t missed her. in fact, it nearly slapped her in the face, looking into the reflective surface at the dolled-up attempt at an albright she’d cobbled together in hopes of impressing—of proving something. it made her sick. it didn’t help that the stress and fear she’d been experiencing on a deeply hidden level latched to the small quips as a way of release. turning to face JJ, saf stepped forward until she, too, was at the door. despite the plain fact that she needed to walk through it, she’d stopped and planted herself in front of him—unable to leave. “why do want to go so badly, anyway?” it wasn’t that he’d said anything that’d suggested as much, save for repeated offer to join, but in her haste she didn’t have the mind to come up with anything more accurate.

JJ nodded playfully in response to her prompt, though he quickly stilled as the tone of her laugh made it clear she hadn’t taken his teasing in the way he’d hoped she would have. Her next words had his brow creasing, a mixture of confusion and biwilderment playing on his features as she moved around the room. “That’s obviously not what I-” As she appeared in front of him he sighed, not bothering to finish his sentence or attempting to talk over her as she questioned him again. In any other situation he’d have made some quick quip about how she was cute when she was pissed off, maybe made a move to bring them closer together. After her previous rebuff of his attempt at physical contact however, he stayed frozen in place in front of the door, expression now stoic and a tad bored, not overly interested in whatever passive aggressive warfare they were fast approaching. Her final question was the only one that appeared to not be rhetorical, pulling an apathetic shrug from him in response. 

“I don’t.” Joshua blindly reached for the door behind him, grabbing the handle and pushing it open. He turned as if to leave before spinning back around, unable to stop himself from a retort or two. It was his own fault really, expecting any kind of predictable reaction from Saf. That didn’t stop him from getting frustrated though, especially as his offer was all but thrown back in his face. “I’m sorry that you’re pissed that you have to go out with your parents. Remind me to never just fuckin’ turn up here unanouced again. Or maybe you could put a sign on the door? Whenever you’re having one of those days where you don’t want me to touch or talk to you? I offered to go with you because I thought that maybe being around your parents is hard for you, like it is for me with mine, and maybe-” He shook his head and rolled his eyes simultaneously at himself for trying to rationalize something so small and stupid. “It doesn’t even matter. You’re making it super clear that when you’re fucking stressed out, you wanna deal with it entirely on your own. Which is cool. Good for you.” A sarcastic nod was all the dramatics he’d allow himself before he turned and walked back down the hall, loudly calling back to her as he made his way towards the staircase, voice dripping with the kind of forced prep he reserved for basketball games and calls with his parents. “Have a nice night.” 

[tomweb]

Tom Webb for Jack Wills Friendsmas - Let it Snow

[joshua-buckley]

saffiealbright​:

as much as she would immediately regret it, a frustrated sigh left her the moment JJ’s arms wrapped around her figure. she’d been trying, especially lately, to be even the slightest bit more vulnerable and affectionate and that, right there, had been about three steps in the wrong direction. dammit. as recompense she allowed him to turn her around, forgetting the pair of shoes she’d been headed towards and taking some seconds to really look back at him—or, more accurately, look at him look at her. to be fair, this was a far cry from her usual garb. she couldn’t even recall the last time she’d put this much effort into something as inconsequential as her hair, making sure each and every individual strand was in place and glossed to perfection. there was nothing she could do about the red, a personal choice her mother wasn’t shy about showing distaste toward, but her best otherwise would just have to do. “unfortunately necessary,” saf noted in response to his comment, taking the moment to promptly slip from his grasp and reach her closet. a movement that took more self-convincing than was noticeable.

securing the shoes—black, strappy little things—she tossed them onto the bed with all the elegance of someone bowling way above their weight. she soon followed, carefully sitting atop the mattress and beginning to put one on. however, JJ’s sudden suggestion momentarily pulled her from her focus, chin tilting upwards like a deer that’d just heard a twig crack under a nearby predator’s weight. her mouth opened to protest, though no reasoning came to her right away. nothing that wasn’t the fact of the matter; that he couldn’t be there for this conversation, for the potential beginning of the end. for the reveal of the petty little secret she’d kept from him the last month or two. or had it been three? time was a blur, all things considered. much to her luck, he quickly provided another reason for her. it was flimsy at best, but if she played it off well enough there was a high likelihood it’d work. “self sacrifice. i appreciate it, but i can’t spare the time.” her eyes flit back downward, hands reaching for the second shoe and beginning to put it on. “you know my parents—” she added, knowing that he very well didn’t, but would understand what she meant. “they’re… incredibly particular. not being punctual may as well be a criminal offence. believe me, you don’t even want to meet them.”

If Saf’s sigh hadn’t made her discontent with him pestering her apparent, her slipping from his grasp at the first possible opportunity definitely had. It was fine. She was already running late and it seemed as if he wasn’t exactly helping. As he watched her busy herself with her shoes he pulled his glasses off, hanging them from his collar in the hopes that maybe loosing some of the clarity of his surroundings would make the last two minutes of embarrassment fade away a little quicker. There was no aim really, with his offer to go with her. It wasn’t exactly his idea of a good way to spend an evening but she seemed stressed and he’d figured that maybe a friendly face at dinner would have helped. Either way he just wanted her to know that if she wanted him there, he would be. Her rebuff was message enough that that was not the case though, and he believed her reasoning. Almost. “Uh.. Understood.” A small nod followed his words, there wasn’t really much to say. He didn’t know her parents, not enough to protest anything she might be playing up. Meeting the parents was a big deal, not something that should be rushed. It was completely rational that she’d reacted the way she had and yet he couldn’t help but feel like he was missing something. 

Suddenly remembering the reason he’d made the trip to her dorm in the first place, he headed back over to her desk and reached for the small stack of familiar books. Another bad habit of his, leaving things he needed pretty regularly in her room as a poor excuse for another visit. These particular textbooks had been accidentally left behind in her room for a few weeks now. Linguistic Anthropology, a total bore in JJ’s eyes and a subject he’d found easiest to study in her dorm. At least, if he was with her it wasn’t a complete waste of time. With her night fully booked though, he figured he could actually attempt to study in place of his usual procrastination. He wanted to act normally, maybe say something sarcastic and pair it with his smirk before leaving, but the whole vibe of the room felt off and it was making him feel a little awkward. He resisted the urge to try and get a proper goodbye from her, instead just made his way over to the door, books tucked under one arm. “I’ll leave you to it then? I mean unless you want me to drive you down..? We can pretend I’m just like your very underdressed chauffeur or something.”