What a whirlwind of change these past few months have been. They say, when it rains, it pours. What I have come to find out is that the pouring has to stop at some point, and when it does you can sometimes find a rainbow somewhere in the distance offering you hope once again. As some may know, I have recently admitted and am seeking help for an eating disorder I have had for almost 15 years. I have been on and off anorexic in high school and bulimic in college until now. I was very hopeless for a period of time and when you experience that deep emptiness, it feels as though no one and nothing can help you. With an eating disorder, you have a distorted sense of body image, food, healthy eating, etc. I was coping by staying very, very busy with appointments, meetings, and coffee dates that offered little fulfillment. I had no time for myself but even more to the point, no time to deal with the shitty mess that was contained inside me. I became frustrated when meeting with friends because all their problems seemed meaningless and trivial compared to what I was going through. (Awful, I know) I have never been good with communicating what I need, due to fear of inconveniencing people. However, my lack of communicating created a divide between some of my relationships. In order to fully give myself and be a genuine friend, I need to work on my self. There is a lot of shame that comes with admitting to an eating disorder. I didn’t want people to know that independent, strong and equipped Amy Jo had problems. My perception of myself is that everyone counted on me and looked up to me. After 15 years, it became too much and I couldn’t take it anymore. Let me tell you, I am really glad it got to that point. Now, I can see light at the end of my tunnel J As many of you know, my living situation is not the greatest right now. It’s uncomfortable and I was seeking a quick change. My brother and sister had a good friend living in a faith-based communal living situation. Of course, I was very reluctant because what I pictured was a group of hippie Portlanders who composted, had a farm, and walked around naked, etc. lol. That isn’t at all what this is. They are living intentionally with each other. They know each other’s shit and are there to support and encourage each other. Even more amazing, one of the girls has already gone through what I am going through. She has been such a Godsend in my life… I cry every time I think about it. Even though I’m frustrated and angry with God, he continues to show me His light. It’s like He’s chasing me and won’t stop, so how can I stay angry with Him? I am so looking forward to being apart of this community. I know it will challenge and push me in so many different ways. I have to say good-bye to some of my relationships during this season of time. I need to take more time to work on me right now. I can’t be the friend I want to be until I allow God to work in me. That requires me to be completely vulnerable with Him, others and myself. It feels as though spring couldn’t have come at a better time. As the flowers are blossoming, I feel as though I am too. I want to learn to live well, intentionally and authentically, not for others, but for God and myself. I have to learn to love myself before I can truly love others. Thank you to those who are praying and encouraging me during this time. Your love is overwhelming and I am humbled by your grace and love for me.
