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NEW LIFE

“To start a new life, we need to store the past in a place where reliving it is impossible but still being able to recall parts of it for educational purposes only. That is the key to begin being free and happy.”

- Tony Bovi

Neighbors

The world around us is in constant change, and in this age of technology, it changes in seconds instead of decades of years. When my parents were little, their neighborhood was consisted of those who migrated to this country from the land they called their birthplace. They settled together in communities because they were the closest thing to family in order to make this new world home.

Some tried to make a better life than what their homeland had to offer. Some were escaping their government’s persecution stemming from greed, hatred, religion discrimination, family history, starvation, or poverty. They decided to leave what they used to call home to start a new life in the United States. I only heard a few stories from my Mom’s father before he died. Their experience was excitement to become an American.

I look around today and see change in so many ways, some for the better and some not. The Native Americans reluctantly accepted us as settlers, and WE moved in permanently. WE were the intruders, the unwanted ones, the illegal immigrants, and treated them with disrespect and humiliation. WE had the audacity to create a country with the saying, “… all men are created equal.” When, in actuality, we were not, and almost 250 years later, we are still not.

Look at us in the mirror and see the reflection of the person who staring back. Are you proud to be who you are and say “I accept every single person heart and soul” or do we say, “I accept every single person except for …” Think about it? A long story is coming soon on this matter.

My Friend (Part 2 of 2)

The situation called for tenderness and love. Speaking as softly as possible, her health issues were my first topic of discussion. She proceeded to tell me about her fear of breast cancer because of the results of her mammogram. There was a spot, which was not there before. We talked at great length about family history, her fears, and all the “What ifs” we could think of at that moment.

It was good for her to vent as much as possible. I asked if anyone in the family knows, and they don’t because she did not want to worry them. I advised to call a family meeting and lay everything out concerning her health because it involves them too. Again, she said that she didn’t want to worry them. I told her that they deserve to know why she is acting strangely and more tense than normal? This involves them as much as it does her. She agreed. Once we passed our tears, handholding, and third cup of coffee, we made another coffee date for the day after she received her results of her biopsy.

We talked about her husband’s affair, which turned out to be a phone call from his assistant insisting to talk to him and him only, no messages. This led her to believe that he was hiding something from her. I asked if she confronted him about the unusual call from the assistant. She did not. I just looked at her as if saying, “Duh.” I told her that I knew her husband long before I knew her. There is no reason for him to lie. She needs and deserves to get answers.

We proceeded to her kids. They really were the greatest kids of all times. Her and her husband raised them to be caring and well mannered. There comes a time when she should leave the kids’ judgment in their hands and have faith in the values they instilled in them. Their son is just following in his father’s footsteps, so if he likes wrestling, he will do great. If he doesn’t, he’ll quit. Finally, Kitty, the cat, was 16 years old and a prominent member of the family. She lived a life that even I would envy. It just may be her time.

I asked if anything else is clouding her mind. Being overwhelmed is not anything to deal with alone, and the longer we keep upsetting things inside, the BIGGER they seem especially if kept from loved ones. Everything is important to us, and sometimes we need to see it from another point of view. Talking things out is one thing, but listening is its partner. One is only as good as the other.

Oh, here is a quick summary of events after our coffee date. My friend is now in her 11th year of being cancer free. Her husband did not have an affair, but the secretary booked a cruise for their anniversary and was confirming dates. The girls survived the boyfriend problems and currently happily married with children of their own. The son quit wrestling after two weeks, is now a lawyer, plays the guitar, and sings at his church. Kitty is in cat heaven but Mr. Fuzzy replaced her and living the life of luxury. Life is great IF LIVED, isn’t it? Just do the right things to allow it to happen.

(THE END)

My Friend (Part 1 of 2)

Many years ago, a friend of mine asked me if we could meet for coffee. It seemed innocent enough and appeared to be urgent. There was a tone of “I need to talk to someone” in her voice. We set it up for one morning at a local café. We could talk things out before making my first business call. In addition, it would be great to be caught up on her family news.

I arrived before she did, so I picked a table away from the crowd in order to keep it as private as possible. Our laughter and voices can tend to project at times, which might disrupt other clientele. The appointed time came and went. Looking at my watch, she was 10 minutes late, which was unusual for someone who schedules bathroom breaks.

When the watch read 20 minutes late, I started to call from my phone when the door opened and who should appear? It was not eight tiny reindeer, but my coffee date. She sat down, ordered her coffee, and started to talk. I didn’t wear my “Roman Collar” that day, but the words flowed from her mouth like water through a sieve. I just needed to catch the important information before it disappeared down the drain.

When she stopped long enough to catch a breath and sip of coffee, I stopped her. I demanded that she take a deep breath, close her eyes, focus on the situation, and SLOWLY begin again from “Hi.” She laughed and proceeded as told.

Her life was in shambles. Her husband is having an affair. The two teenage daughters are giving her grey hair because of their boyfriends. Her youngest, her son, signed up for another sport, wrestling, which she told already told him no, but his father wanted him to learn to defend himself. She is having health issues, and their cat may need to be put-down due to its own health issues. I asked if that was all. She glared at me as if I should be “Put-Down”.

(TO BE CONTINUED)

Talk and Listen

“Talking things out is one thing, but listening is its partner. One is only as good as the other.”

- Tony Bovi

Our Past

“From the moment we were born every single one of us has a past, and that continues to accumulate until our last breath. How exciting, how productive, how intriguing, or how blah it may be, it is all our fault if it is not what we expected it would be.”

- Tony Bovi

GOALS

We all have goals whether we want them or not. Some are naturally set for us, like getting out of bed in the morning. Some are thrust upon us, like getting the garbage out on time. Some are self-imposed, like pay the bills before they become overdue. Then there are productive goals, which may lead to good health, riches, and an enriched life.

Once we come to the realization that goals are paramount to surviving in this world and accept the fact that this will never change, we become a real person. This is not just talking about huge goals like being a millionaire by the time we are 25, which never happened for me, but it was a goal. It just got revised and rescheduled. Forty plus years later, it is still a part of the list, but is becoming lower and lower in priority. This is important too.

We need priorities be sure the effort required is focused in the right places. The old cliché of taking the important one’s first now comes into play. This does not separate the dreams from reality. Dreams need to be a huge part of the equation because all goals originate from the dream. That is our major objective.

Regimented or not, we all have dreams, goals, and priorities. We work toward them, push for them, complete them, make more, and achieve more. The end result is the satisfying feeling of accomplishment and the overwhelming shower of happiness with each completion. The only major law in this whole thing is celebrating each and every accomplishment no matter how big or small they may be.

Moods

What amazes me is how the human race has the ability to have moods? The mood we wake up with is not always the mood we carry with us the rest of the day. However, the initial mood seems uncontrollable for most people.

Us morning people, the majority of the time, wake up with a smile on our face and a song in our heart. The mid-morning people do not smile until the caffeine hits the blood stream. The noon people are ones who are miserable or comatose for some of the most magnificent sunrises, but they can boast to seeing the breathtaking sunsets.

The afternoon people have a slightly lengthy adjustment period but once aligned become the most energetic ones straight through the wee hours of the morning. Then the last and most avoidable kind of mood, the all day funk people. They are miserable about anyone or anything. They make it their purpose in life to drag everyone down to them.

The exceptions to these classifications are for those who work second or third shift. There is just a delay of eight to ten hours. Not everyone follows the same mood all the time. We let our moods adjust to what is happening in our lives. The operative word there is “LET”.

We all have choices once our eyes open every morning. Our moods come as one of those choices. So many people do not understand this. Personally, I choose to be a morning person for many reasons. First, it makes me happy. Second, it gives me an opportunity to think thoughts that will raise people up. Third, it allows me to bug the living hell out of everyone else. Just ask my wife and kids.

Enjoy your day longer and join us morning people. Have a great day.

The Answer? (Part 2 of 2)

Her search for her husband was going not anywhere. It took one call to someone she dreaded and was afraid to confront, her mother, who started on her and didn’t let up. My new friend told me that she hung up on her three times, and the mother kept calling back. The last time, she pulled the phone out of the wall, but fifteen minutes later, her mother shows up at the front door and screamed at her for hours.

Mom informed her that she was the worse wife, horrible associate, a deplorable daughter, and miserable person and should be incarcerated for abuse. The mother said she knew where her husband was and was not going to tell her anything until she sought help. This was the classic case of intervention. She always knew of her “bitch” side, but never to this point. No one stood up to her like Mom.

It all became known to her that night. For the first time in her life, she felt all alone. It took years of hard work and therapy, plus many hours of learning to say she was sorry and rid her of, as she put it, her “Demons.” She made the rounds to all her school acquaintances, fellow work associates, neighbors, family, and most of all, started to go to church, which was a first. She turned her life around.

As soon as she had said that, a man walked up and asked if she was hitting on me. Her cute response was, “No man can take your place, sweetie.” She then introduced me to her husband, and the story continued from two sides. The person, with whom I was going to meet, showed up half way through this, so we rescheduled. I needed to hear the ending.

There is always hope. Sometimes it takes a little more effort.

The Answer? (Part 1 of 2)

I am not sure there is an answer to bullying and abuse. Looking back in history, they have always existed. Read the bible, both Testaments have stories of bullying and abuse. I am not a theology person, but if the Torah and Quran read in like manner, it is there also. It has been a part of culture, society, religion, politics, education, business, including the military for millenniums; however, so has prostitution, and that has not gone away either.

I know people who were bullies and abusers, and today live very normal and happy lives. When they are confronted about their past, it is spoken in a tone of forgiveness and a giving attitude. They seem to be very regretful, apologetic, and remorseful about their past.

One person sticks out in my mind. She was a resident at an assisted living community, which I called on. I was waiting for the manager, and this lady sat down on the couch with me and introduced herself. I asked if she was happy there, and she said it was wonderful and enjoyed the interaction with everyone. It made her feel a part of the center. I questioned about her past to discover the lack of interaction was before moving there.

She started dumping all she had done to her fellow students in school because she was the “leader of the pack.” If they did not fit the mold, she made it her responsibility to make their lives miserable. This lasted through college. When she was out in the world, she was doing well at her place of employment, but, again, she always needed to control everything around her.

This control mechanism carried right into her marriage. She loved her husband deeply, but it was almost as if she had to hurt him and control him to keep the upper hand. One night, he didn’t come home from work. She called the office, and they had not seen him that day. She became frantic. Her punching bag was not there. He didn’t come home the following night either. She called everybody she could, and the only answer was no one had seen him.

(To Be Continued)

Enough

There are times in our lives when we feel we have had enough, and really don’t know how much more we can take. Our plate is overloaded and somehow the disposal is not working. Everything seems like it is closing in around us, almost claustrophobic. Our breathing becomes difficult. Our sleep is disrupted with dreams like those that we have never experienced. We wake up in a frightened, cold sweat with our heart pounding and panting trying to catch our breath. We begin to question our every move as to avoid falling into the abyss. Our minds are continuously occupied with every little thing that happens. Our nerves are as sensitive as a bare electric wire and will explode if anything touches it.

Does this reflect a full-blown anxiety attack? It is not as if I have not had one or two in my life. In any case, all of this is usually a result of a problem of our own making. It may be a result of someone else lighting a fire in us, but we allowed it to get to the blazing stage. We may have started it thinking it would go away, but again we allowed it to get out of control, kind of like a forest fire. One little cigarette butt can destroy thousands of acres.

If this describes our life, it is time to take control again. We have allowed outside sources, human or otherwise, to commandeer our lives. This control is not an easy task to get started, but once we do, it is like Christmas or the 4th of July. The shower of happiness is overwhelming, and the pain and agony we went through are just scars to remember to avoid letting it happen again. I know. Seeking help is sometimes necessary and is not an embarrassment. It is taking care of ourselves in order to be us again.

Therefore, my friends, if we ever feel this happening, take care of the reasons before they take care of us. Remember, we love ourselves first, and once we to that, we can love everyone else even more.

Challenge

“We only have one chance to make this life great. Whether we stumble and fall or fly like an eagle, we have to move forward with every day, hour, minute, and breath. Choices continually face us. Do we fall into the pit of despair with the first wrong decision; or do we try again striving to fly like an eagle? One last point of advice, grab your wings and soar the skies. The view is breathtaking, and you will survive with honors, as promised.”

- Tony Bovi

LIFE

“If there is anything that we consider more important than our own happiness, is it our priority or someone else’s?”

- Tony Bovi

Shopping (Shock)

Once upon a time, there was a man who enjoyed shopping. There are more surprising things in this world like truthfulness as starters. The prices, fashions, volume, THE LIST, or other distractions did not consume him. It was the multitude of personalities, dispositions, attitudes, shapes, sizes, hairdos, fashions, and actions, that amazed him. The purchases were only a perk or, in some cases, a necessity.

He never worked in retail, so human nature in its raw form attracted his attention. He found it interesting to watch how the battle for survival was won or lost depending on the subjects. The elbow seemed to be the weapon of choice in department stores; however, in the markets, the preferred choice was the carriage.

Another factor to consider is the time of year. Thanksgiving through January was when the battle peaked beyond humanity. During this period, savage carnage is prevalent. The saving grace was the invention of the internet. Now the jousting is centered around on-line ordering, but some big item sales still bring the soldiers out to satisfy their blood thirst.

This over seer of retail shopping witnessed many decades of this, and has notes detailing his observations. Sometimes he humors himself by reviewing them for personal entertainment. Occasionally, he will publish the details of an event to share his observation allowing others to read about human life at its finest or worse.

The things that he gets excited about are the moments that make him smile, create a fire in his heart, and give him faith in the human race that not all is lost. Seeing a mother on one knee talking to her daughter about the fun they had that day makes all the other negative things disappear. It could be the time he saw a couple by the fountain in center court of the mall as the man proposed marriage to his future bride. These and hundreds more are things that are worth the wait.

The next time you are shopping, keep your eyes and ears open. You may witness love at its finest. You also may determine that the carnage is not worth it, where a hug and kiss are.

REFLECTION

When we get up in the morning and look in the mirror, what is the first thing we see? In my opinion, this initial image tells us who we really are. Maybe, some don’t care what they see, but others will see the real self, good and bad.

That reflection is the bare truth. That damn mirror tells no lies. It will reflect an image of beauty, horror, kindness, love, hatred, humor, sadness, illness, good health, truth, deception, avoidance, confrontation, devotion, etc. My philosophy professor reminded us of the old saying that the mirror is the gateway to our souls. (I loved that class.) The reflection is a microcosm of what is truly there.

If the only thing we see is the outer features of our physical self, that will always be our only concern. Looking into the eyes staring back can humiliate, humble, scare, and sometimes sadden us. If you see nothing, you have no idea of what I am writing. It is not until you graduate to see past the exterior and uncover the inside of this being will you understand.

It took me many years to uncover this. It came as no surprise, but the experience is one that I will never forget. The first time I saw through that image I was shocked at what I found. There were times I could not look at myself out of shame until I dealt with it. There were times I saw hatred, which stayed until it was resolved. I remember seeing love. I kept that as a reminder to cherish forever. For a while, that mirror became my personal confessional. It told me when things were right and wrong. It also taught me to resolve the problems, reconcile differences, forgive faults (including my own), and love with all my power, starting with the image in the mirror. If that cannot happen, it will not happen elsewhere.

The mirror is only a tool to see ourselves as others see us. It is how we use that reflection, which is most important. Applying makeup or combing our hair may be the original intention, but it tells us a so much more. Work on it, and let me know what you see.

Simplicity (Part 2 of 2)

After the discomfort passed, they reached a simple diagnosis. My “Ileum” was inflamed causing everything in my digestive system to shut down. Nothing passed through the stomach which in turn nothing processed through the other end. The result being a tremendous amount of pain. Ouch! Due to the amount of pain relievers, it all subsided allowing me to float the remainder of the voyage. Staying awake when visitors came was a problem.

The reason for the discomfort was logical; however, determining the cause was another story. A committee of professionals determined that a major change in life style might be a first step. They recommended to stop worrying about everything. My diet changed to eating bland foods, cutting out caffeine, eliminating or slowing down alcohol consumption, and being cognitive of things that upset me.

Fortunately, this never happened again. Over time, everything returned to normal along with my eating habits, coffee and alcohol consumption. The one thing that did not return was my emotional and mental lifestyle. To this day, whenever I feel a twinge of any discomfort, I know that action needs to happen to avoid any recurrence.

I learned to deal with things in a different manner and turn to a higher power to handle the ones that were too big for me. It was quite a change for someone who ran on nervous energy. Over time, I realized that I no longer needed to worry about everything and everyone. Placing the big opportunities in God’s hands relieved most of the stress, and dealing with the little problems one at a time was an education for not only me, but everyone else as well.

Simplicity is an opportunity that is available for all, but before we master it, we must deal with the consequences of our past, make a plan of action for the present, and have faith in God that He will handle the future. Nothing happens on its own. Have faith and thank Him every day for another chance to do it again.

Simplicity (Part 1 of 2)

The feeling of being overwhelmed creeps into our nervous system gradually. It used to happen to me all the time. A few decades ago, I landed in the hospital caused by nerves. It inflamed a valve in my stomach enough that things stopped working. The pain was excruciating. I spent hours in the Emergency Room, admitted to a room on a floor, had a bag of saline and drugs dripping into me. Slowly, the pain subsided, and the drugs had me floating.

For the next two days, I was in and out of consciousness, had x rays, blood work, lungs and heart examined. I was poked and prodded. I am not aware of one area that was not examined. Everywhere I went, a rack with an IV drip attached to my arm followed me like dog on a leash. Eating was not on the top of my list for first couple of days. If I remember correctly, I think the first solid food that passed these lips was Jello®; however, my real focus was on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

I never realized the number of tubes that could run in and out of my body in such a short period. I found it astounding. Being as drugs had me floating six inches above the surface, I could not determine if everything was a dream or real. Any professional who entered my room could not refrain from poking the stomach, measuring my pain level, ask how I was feeling, and jot a note in my chart.

I really wanted to see my chart to find out how many people signed it. I do not recall one doctor who visited me twice except for my own. When I was discharged, I asked for a copy of the chart because I considered it my guest book. I considered writing thank you notes to all who dropped in. It would be the only courteous thing to do.

(To Be Continued)

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