Spies With Silver Eyes

Joyce and her outstanding ability to make an issue out of everything. 

[joythwrites]

I have had my fair share of storm chasing, tiptoed ramblings, quiet mournings, reluctant assumptions, and steadied breathing, but this - you and I, and whoever we once thought we were, (almost) together - this is the unbecoming of glorious, floating beds of cloud into continuous, free falling rain.

I can smell the washcloth taste of your lips on my skin. Your curious, wandering gaze - I can hear the pauses you take with each breath and enunciation - it’s tangible, alarming, and tonight, for the first time in a while - unwelcome.

I have no more words. You’ve taken them all away with you.

[joythwrites]

“What a waste of heart; why would you want to spend it on somebody who thinks so cheaply, vaguely, selfishly - of love?”

[joythwrites]

Epiphany

I dont mean to pry But i wonder if you can tell me why The sea ends by the sky And you smiled as i said good bye

Your eyes they do not offer Condolences of any sort When I told you i didn’t want any other And you only said maybe we should part

So lies had always covered The hands you used to touch And these ribs have caged my exhaust From loving you like a fool, too much

So lust was all you hungered And like a fool, I had given it to you Your skin was seasoned, salted It hid the scars like shadows to the moon

So like a fool I waited For depth to line your skin The love I had just stated Was all it took to cave in

So out the door you went dancing Like glimmer against lake light the haze you and I was once in Passed just as morn to night

And like a fool I took you And let you overflow I had loved you like no other I wish I hadnt let you known

[joythwrites]

There it went, like the last trail of candle wax smoke pinching wildly against my breathing - your scent on the sheets, consuming, addicting - with half an empty glass of water lying around the table next to my beer.

It was not as if had expected it to be different; even more exhausting, is it falling right into the pieces I had thought it would (but wished would not).

So maybe, this won't be the last thing that I will write about and for you (even though it should be,) but I wish now I had told you I loved you and looked you in the eye, that I should have said how I wish you sleep softly, that your heart may be so filled one day, so much so that there will be no room left for doubt, that one day maybe you will find the right one and you will look back to how we were tonight and be happy and thoroughly consumed with love, then my pain now will not have been in vain.

That I only wish you love, above all. Maybe even, the kind of love I had found in you.

Good bye, stranger.

[joythwrites]

Timing is a Bitch

Glass was broken And now I can’t write Things unspoken, More so what might

-

It didn’t take long To leave you lover When things went wrong You were off with another

-

So no do not ask And no do not bother I write now not for you Neither to recover

-

I write for love And all its fickle foes

-

I write for those In challenges rose

-

For Love is for the brave And love is for the kind Love chooses to stay Even when all isn’t fine

Love is for leaps of faith And love is for what might Love commits without disdain It does not fade like the night

Love will conquer If you let it be Love will prosper If your hearts will see

That there is no right time No right places There is no needed primes No cunning aces

Love will come It’ll blaze right through If pride took over and missed it I will have missed you too

[joythwrites]

Calm down, dear heart

Before you overbeat and break

It's okay, sweet heart

You've given everything 

When all they ever did was take

-

That's enough, fool of a heart

It's time to run into something new

It's true, dear heart,

Nobody loved, 

Nobody,

Except you

[joythwrites]

Morning Breeze

No, my love, you are not a firework. For fireworks are rapid, fleeting, bursts of light – beautiful, but passing, loud, but eventually fading.

  You are the stars against my deep, dark night skies whose light lives on beyond its death, surpassing lightyears, bursting into wild flames before it retreats into an abysmal kind of beautiful. You are my very own universal mystery, and I am still at awe to love you from afar.

  Burn me if you must, swallow me whole and let me die along with your light; I wouldn’t mind, as I still will have been part of your flickering, fiery, life.

[joythwrites]

I went for a run And met a stranger He said hello And I waved good bye

I couldn't quite Take up time With another When Id much rather Have you spend it With mine

[joythwrites]

Sunsets

I would stare at your demons and I would carry them incessantly; into the deepest forests, into the farthest of seas – and you would hold my hand and tell me I am loved, and we would go far and beyond, digging and dragging, away with these until I feel like you are ready to love again.

But you only tread far enough before your soul’s all strew again; and I will have had the weight of my demons and yours, but no lover to share the pain. You walk with me for far enough but never the same path, and behind your walls you hide behind, until I, too, am lost, again.

I woke up today with the kind of pain that lined my stomach from the inside out, slicing my hope for love to spill on my toes, reminding me of the night that was, and the us that never will be. It doesn’t really matter I guess we both kind of knew – you looked at me with blank eyes, always scanning the room for better things to do than fill your head with my image or voice, always toggling through your phone, always holding something else to keep the spaces in between your hands occupied, so it won’t have to deal with mine.

And I guess it’s only rightful to say good bye when I have loved you long enough and maybe even more, and you only say things like you miss me just to even the score.

And I guess it’s only polite to say these things now, when you and I both know it doesn’t matter enough – how I loved your bones and your words, your lack of interest and even worse, I have loved you for everything they hated you for, because I wanted to love you like quiet, tender darkness that is inevitable but ever changing.

And I guess that’s pretty much it, I have been loving you without the need for reciprocation, thinking you will eventually let me in; but we both kind of silently agreed there really is no end as we have had no beginning.

And maybe just to end, I’d like to say, for the last time, at least for today - how I have loved you in the quiet,

I have loved you in the crowds,

I loved you long in silence,

Even more so, out loud

I have loved you with conviction

I have loved you despite the pain,

I have loved you without condition,

- only that you say my name

I have loved you in the darkness,

I have waited on your light

I did not mind all your weightless,

Careless, little lies - 

I have loved you thoroughly 

But with every kiss I kind of always knew

That I could love you all these ways

And even more,

But you’ll only stay 

Until you find

Somebody new

#

[joythwrites]

She's an odd one, but I love her thoroughly.

[joythwrites]

You are the loftiest love I ever knew,

But you carried me til the very end,

And never let me through.

[joythwrites]

That's What He Said

There was nothing spectacular about her, they'd say. She's got a long list of short-term ex-lovers, I hear. She curses like a sailor and lies like a convict, they'd gossip. Too many times, she'd disappear, I've noticed.

But there was something about my girl that was like inhaling fiery freedom; the initial sting, with the settling warmth - quietly creeping in my veins like the rise of sun, flammable as most chemicals be, weightless as a ship sailing on roaring seas.

She loved me like a mad girl on the loose; with fingers that could heal and lips that just swoon. And everyday I lie in bed next to her and hear her breathe and realize the heartaches now made sense, if all that pain was in exchange for all I have now - her, and the life I've chosen to leave - to finally, live.

My darling, I had not been able to love recklessly - I'm a man of construct and plans, I do not believe in destiny, I am far too proud to let my walls down; I will not be outsmarted, I cannot take failure, not most especially, any more pain.

But with you, I am fearless. I love you.

[joythwrites]

Undoubtedly

Dear friend,

So maybe I held on too long and maybe I didn’t want to let go and let you run the rest of this after-evening without me; maybe I wanted to hear more about your day, even make a fort inside your car amidst leather seats and your alcohol spray, play with your hair and kiss you in between your sentences; maybe I sunk my head too deep that I hit your collarbones and got high in your usual, rousing scent, too much it kind of hurt; maybe I want you more than I’ll ever admit to myself or you, maybe I’ve been loving you more than I have anyone, before.

Maybe it doesn’t matter, maybe you don’t mind - maybe it doesn’t take you two seconds to forget me in the thick of your rampageous days, maybe you’re only being kind. Maybe tomorrow you’ll wake up and ask yourself why you spend so much time, maybe you’ll realise you hadn’t really fallen in love, and was just being polite.

But the 'maybes' aren't really important, you see, as I have found amongst all uncertainty, is a constant you and me. 

Yours always,

 J

[joythwrites]

It's odd, really - all these love songs, and no lover to sing it to.

[joythwrites]

But rest is not sleep nor time away nor a shower nor a warm meal at the end of this havoc of a day.

Rest is you.

And maybe that's why this is heavy - my insides have made room for so much of you, and when you are gone, every inch of your goneness is solidified. Maybe it's the way I find my rest in you, whilst you in other things - maybe I've been missing you all my life and only really realized how much I've been lacking when your presence started to fill it.

My love for you is like the burning of the sun - ever so present even when you think it had gone. 

[joythwrites]

In the off chance that anybody cared -

I will always be the strongest in the bunch only because I've known nothing else in my life but to keep up with the weaknesses and twists and dark corners and mask it as much as I can, as often as I do, as intricately as life demands me to - that results to my exhaustion - and almost naturally, strengthening.

Maybe it is why romance is such a hopeful, bizarre, thing for me - it's quite the concept, that I may finally free fall and come undone in the hopes of it not hurting as much as it has been my entire life.

But then again I digress and postpone the free falling when someone is stupid enough to think they can catch me over and under, and remain stumbling once, and thrice over again - in this endless search for calm seas and willing sailors.

[joythwrites]

In The Quiet

So in the quiet I think, 

Of how I see you 

Not as flesh and skin

But as poetry 

And soul;

More heart 

Than bones,

More stellar 

Than how stellar goes

More love 

Than anybody knows

So in the quiet I think, of ways to pull you down and stop myself from looking at you as if you are starry skies and big bright rays of light, and the frantic flowing of the sea, and everything I long for in everyone, everything my heart breathes to be, but I can't help it, not with these love drunk eyes.

So in the quiet, I love you - in the quiet I am lost.

So in the quiet I am reminded, once again, all that I love, I have loved alone.