Maybe I’m not the millennial I thought I would be. I find solace in connecting to people. But, most times... it’s not in the ways that the average millennial does. I used to be vain - normally bothered by how I look. I still am. I used to like documenting every thought. But, nowadays I find it hard to express a single honest thought.
Part of growing up takes this vast transformation from the small town boy to a life adventurer. That paradigm shift takes your mind to a whole new level. Morals are in check. Socializing is a tool, but won’t always explain why you are who you are. You’re boggled by the daily news thinking that this may affect you some day. Taxes are being exploited. Soon I’ve got to pay them. And, eventually, you become wondering off to what is the unknown - the tomorrow.
Whenever I look at myself in the mirror, I always imagine a lot of what-if scenarios. What if I studied in a different program? What if I never wanted any achievement? What if I cut some slack and just go with the flow? What if I never had a loving family? It’s that point of view that makes me wonder about more than what is, but what ought to be.
Going back, I always put my mind in someone else’s shoes. Living a life that was never yours to begin with should never be so for someone. But still, the curiosity becomes a never ending stream. And it is torture. Painless. But, deadly.
You look in the mirror to check your face. How should you part your hair? When will the pimple on your face burst? Why didn’t you shave last week? Doing so establishes an identity for which you present. You flaunt this to the world. But more importantly, you flaunt this to yourself.
So, are you happy with this? Because, I can damn tell you a lie and say I do. My constant questions are: Where was I wrong? Where do I go next?
I spent time thinking. I can’t even fathom the amount of time it took for me to finally stop and start this post. Lately, I’ve been feeling blue. No, not because someone suffers from depression (me). The past week has been good to me.
In the most recent events, I realized the biggest flaws in my own nature - accountability. It’s one of the things I even thought I had. Growing up, I used to be always the “right” person. I spent a lot of time showing people that I know stuff and I’m right about them.
But that’s not the reality I live in now.
It sucks to say, but most days, I find myself always in the wrong. Of course, I could always give credit to myself for trying to do the right thing. But, the thing is - knowing what is right and not being able to do so is quite unnerving. I’m not even proud of it.
Despite this, I still think that I am capable of doing good things. It’s just that I have to be held accountable for my mistakes. Owning up to something is literally one of the best and worst feelings one could ever have. It’s like Icarus. One minute you’re in the heavens - and the next, you’re crashing down to the ground. But the beauty of it all is that it’s a big thing for one to do so.
Not a lot of people can do it. And certainly, I can’t do it consistently, if anyone asks. It’s pretty hard to work on especially when you’re a child growing up in an environment when people do not own up to their mistakes. But, lately, I’ve said things and done things that are quite upsetting for other people. It’s actually scary and I can see how damaging it is for others... and for myself.
One of the most important things I’ve learned regarding owning up: apologizing and letting it go. I’m not gonna lie - I find it hard letting go of things that make me look like a bad person. Every mistake and every flaw is etched on my mind. But, when I was in therapy, the therapist would tell me that every bit shouldn’t be rejected - but acknowledged.
And hence, I wrote it down.
I lost you.
Somewhere to the distance, I yelled thinking that the vibrations would be enough to get your attention. But instead of vibrations, what I sent was a wailing hurricane. It blew away everything I’d ever hoped for, even that of which I didn’t want to let go.
I lost you.
Somewhere in the vast cold fields, where the mountain meets the embrace of the sun. I was neither the searing ball of gas nor the frigid rock under your feet. I was the wind. Swiftly drifted by, unable to grab hold of you.
I lost you.
Somewhere along the way I didn’t know if I was dreaming or I’m slapped with reality’s cold hand. It’s brutal. It chills me to the bone. But - most of all - it hurts. When pain arrives, it wasn’t enough that I take in the morphine to suppress it. You were my cure. And nothing says addiction more than someone who takes the pain away.
I lost you.
Somewhere among the galaxies, you told me that the reason why you had to go was that you had no reason to stay. I mirrored that sentiment, thinking maybe it wasn’t distance you asked for, but the chance for cosmic alignment. That maybe we just needed to fix the stars for ourselves and hopefully make them intertwine one another. But we are not astronauts or magicians - we were just two beings drifted apart by a force we cannot control.
I lost you.
I lost.
Silence me.
Rain down on me like the heavens decided a storm.
Pour onto me the blessed tears from the angels.
Inside me is also a storm
It’s endless and tireless
And it tires me
How can your life support be such a curse?
Yet, somehow deep down the flames burn
From embers the arise from the drenched ground
So this is a project that I’ll work on for the next few weeks - hopefully. I’ve been listening to a lot of electronic and indie music lately, and I daresay it’s the best thing I’ve heard so far. I’ve also delved into darker forms of pop - where the lyrics don’t sound so superficial at all. The internet and social media are incredible spaces to discover music (although, arguably the College of Music in UP is most amazing)!
I miss songwriting, and I miss working with people who love music as much as I do. So for the duration of this midyear, I’ll try to write a couple of songs and hopefully make a mix of them. When I entered college in 2014, I met this cool girl who pretty much has everything one needs to be an indie artist. (We became close friends real fast!) It’s been months since we started poking each other to jam at each other’s places and collaborate - and I think it’s about time to make it so.
I already thought of a couple of what I want to write about. I just need to dwell and reflect on personal experience (and make more of it) so I could get into writing. It’s amazing how you get a change of view on things around you. It’s scary to think that you’ll never be okay for one moment, or happier on the next - and so on. I remember back in my high school days, I’ve always been an early bird. I love mornings. I make it a point to wake up as early as I can to get that morning air and feel that breeze outside. Rejuvenating. But as I entered college, everything changed me into a night owl. (Yes, I blame my classes and my procrastination for this. Haha!) So, I took time to let that change sink in my veins and - boom - I feel grown up and changed!
Hence, I name this new project Early Bird, Night Owl - inspired mostly from my sleepless nights pondering about almost everything, and the song of Foxes’ Glorious album. I want to take snapshots of my life right now and capture this amazing change by music. (I also consider this as my sanity break from all the stress of college and org work.)
Alright, let’s get these creative juices flowing again...
I’ve been super stressed lately. I haven’t written in such a long time, in fact.
I want people to realize that the best part about being human is that you feel. You feel happy when things are good, you turn sad when they go south. You feel scared as the thunder crashes in a whim. You feel anxious for your grades after an exam that you flunked. It all rushes in.
But I’d like to stress the importance of pressure and pain.
Yes. The two grueling truths about life is that it doesn’t give you all the pleasures of the world... it gives you something more. When your body gets to overwhelmed you just enter a shitty phase to endure the overwhelming odds.
Pressure is good. Too much of it? Maybe not. But it drives you to do be at your best - to bring the A-game. It’s enough to note that being pressured allows you to expand your limits and challenge yourself to do better. But it’s a dynamic that you shouldn’t let go of easily. It can also consume you and make you unhappy.
Such as pain... it’s the best and worst thing that can happen to you. Why is it the best? Perhaps the assumption I can posit is that it’s the greatest teacher in life. The pain of losing a loved one teaches you how to make sense of life and death. The pain of getting your heartbroken gives you allowance to think of how capable you are of loving, and what kind of love you accept. Essentially, hurt is indescribable - but, as a line from a movie goes - “it demands to be felt.” And it constantly does. The best thing about you is that no matter what you think of yourself, know that pain is something built in your system. You can endure pain - especially at times when the people you love can’t take theirs. It’s a gift we all share.
Getting hurt physically and emotionally isn’t something that makes humans unique with other living organisms. Theoretically, everything can feel pain - even plants. But, what makes humans and animals different from plants is that we can manifest pain into a sound or a reaction. But despite this biological analysis, you have to remember that the gravity of pain differs from people. Pain is not relative. It is what it is. But we can find a common ground to it.
The challenge, at the end of the day, is how we - as people who feel - use these negative emotions to make something positive. Maybe, to spark change. Or maybe, to help others. Pressure and pain does make us stronger beings. All we have to do is make sense of it. What causes this hurt? Why is it happening to me? How can I rise from this? Who can I talk to for help? All of these queries are for us to decide...
Is pain a good thing? Or, is it something to drag me down?
Only then, we achieve the serene calmness of the mind.
I miss you, every minute, every day. I can’t help but think about you. Your face, your smile, your every bit of laughter. I miss how you used to talk to me. How every story of every snapshot of this chaotic life would turn so bittersweet with every word we speak to each other.
I miss you, every minute, every day. Like, how you used to hold me. Like, I’m the only thing you’re afraid of letting go. Like, I am the only person who’ll get the privilege of your warmth. But that’s just not the case here anymore. You’re not here, and the room has just cooled down to frigid.
I miss you, every minute, every day. How you selflessly looked after me. Listening to every single emotion my mouth pours inexplicably. How every act of love and aggression rooted from the way you looked at me. Like I am, who I am, and you didn’t care how much it could hurt you. But it did.
Why am I doing this to myself? I miss you, and I miss you even more. But I guess my only pleasure of seeing you smile again, has a toll of taking in the pain. I miss you, I really do. And I can’t even change a thing, not one bit. You’re okay now. But I’m unsure if I am. Because I miss you, and there’s nothing I can do.
Every time your face goes blank, and your mind drifts into nothingness, it’s as if I’m peeking into a whole new world in front of me. You open your doors to me, and every eye roll is a blissful walk into the gardens of your soul.
But when our eyes meet again, it’s as if I’m seeing the stars - how they connect to each other to form beautiful constellations that immerse in the dark sky. Every time your brows show how you feel, I’m captivated by the way you look back - like the Wonders of the World couldn’t compete to what we see in front of us.
Since most of my college friends' sems are over, I figured now's the time to write this. (Medyo insensitive, in my opinion, kapag ginawa ko earlier.) I don't do this often - but when I do, I speak from deep down in the depths of my heart, and I thought that posting it would be the best way to share it. I'm not much of a talker, but I'm pretty damn sure that writing is my thing. I love writing as much as my music. And what better way is there to exercise a skill or talent than by sharing it? Okay, here it goes...
Maybe I should start from the beginning, like how that guy wrote about that girl that broke his heart and got my first org the best publicity so far. Kilala niyo na siya (hopefully). When I attended the FOP, I was literally nervous - not just because of the fact that I'm going to be in college, but the fact that I'm facing it alone (well, most of my friends are also in UP but they were in different colleges from mine, so it feels very different). I made a couple of new friends, as a start - mostly, galing sila sa student council kasi they were so nice and helpful to us freshies. And later on as my vacation (the longest one, might I add) progressed to its end, I made a couple more because of these 'summer' events the SC and other orgs have organized. And as the academic year began, things we're turning well. Not to mention, I met my blockmates and semi-blockmates (woot go N9+A!) online and in Math 11 - whom I considered as my first family there. I knew things will be okay. I just need to stay strong and believe in myself. "Posivibes!" - sabi nga ng besh na nakilala ko sa CSSP picnic. And now, I'd say I've make quite home in UP - but I'm certain it's not complete yet!
But this year, I also discovered my strength and weakness as an individual. I've realized how I've lacked self-control, confidence, and conviction that I am more capable of something than I thought was. I needed to re-identify myself. I guess the decisions I've made in college so far helped me do so, and I think I've come to the point of realizing that you get to know yourself better and better everyday once you've got a gist of something out of the comfort-zone. Even the mistakes, blunders and unfortunate moments shook me off, but never broke me down. The limits had to be tested. And thus far, I feel more passionate about what I like, what I love, and what I want to become someday. I don't think the discovery stops... it never will.
What I'm really trying to make out of all this is that there's always gonna be a new road ahead - and I'm treading with optimism. As I've tweeted this over and over that I want to accentuate the good, and eliminate (but learn from) the bad. Hence, I want to accentuate my gratefulness to the people who helped me get through this year. A year of paradigm and rediscovery. A year of fresh starts and looking forth.
First, to the CSSPSC '14-'15 who've been so nice, helpful, and high-spirited, thank you for being so incredible! It's been an honor to be served by ALL of you! Thank you for guiding the Freshie Circle in our events and projects! I'll surely miss the graduating councilors more, and I wish the re-elected councilors the best of luck this incoming academic year! Kuya Jofer, you are the BEST! Thank you for supporting me and teaching me your pub skills! Haha! Kuya Renz, you are the queen! (Chos!) Haha! I definitely look up to you as a freshie, and I admire your enthusiasm and versatility as the chairperson! Ate Marian, salamat sa mga kwentuhan, intriga, and support! Go PUB!! Ate Kris, you are still my fave councilor! Hindi yan nagababago! Ate Ina - the queen, oh diba silent support nanalo rin!? (Hahajk) Good luck on being the Vice Chairperson for next year! I look forward to your supreme dominance - I mean service next year! Mama Aubs, I will always be your “bebe,” but I hope you find the actual bebe you are looking for! (Hindi naman nang-i-issue or anything! Haha!) To Pam & Mayumi - the #psychxy dept. reps, thank you for an awesome first year as a psych major! I truly enjoyed working with you guys in Euphoria! I hope I could get to talk to you soon!
To CSSPFC, it was my pleasure working with you. In fact, it was my first time working in a council - as in legit, especially as Pub Head. I enjoyed it! It was a good year for me. We could've done better sana with FSTval, were it not for my unfortunate case of my laptop getting stolen. (Really sorry about that, and other shortcomings!) But anyways, I want to say TYSM for still helping me out during those times, kahit dagdag hassle pa sa inyo. I look forward to a chance of working with all of you again kung pwede sana! (Kurt Cabujat, please naman wala pa tayong bonding!)
To Block N-9, may kanya-kanya tayong kulit but we flawless! Haha! Theresa, I hope you get nto Econ (huhu mang-iiwan). And I'll still see you around Psych classes okay? Gelo, you're still my papi! I miss you! Karla, I miss you! Talk to you soon! Have fun in CMC! Thank you all for being such an incredible block guys, kahit napansin kong may dalawang squad na nabuo mula rito! Solid pa rin tayong lahat!
To Chase , Lanz, Ra Hyun & Giam - the best people in the world, thank you! Basta thank you for everything, especially for accepting me for 'who I am'! I love you guys! More "experiences" (wink wink) please! You guys help me get through a lot of emotional stress this year and I'd say that you guys are worth keeping! More bonding soon, okay!?
To Kate - my college besh, thank you for ALL the #posivibes! It truly helped me a lot get through the highs and lows of these past 8+ months! Thank you for trusting me, accepting me, supporting me, and believing in me. I'll always be here for you! Just a phone call away (huwag na midnight though nakakaloka na yung magpuyat now that we have more shit to do haha).
To Alec, stop eating too much, you'll get fat - sayang gym! (haha 1/2jk) Thanks for being such a great friend! Malaki na bagay para sa akin yung mga tulong mo when I lost my laptop! I'm really sorry if I caused you so much trouble from the things that I've done! Forgive me! Thank you for also accepting me for who I am! It really meant a lot for someone like me. I really appreciated how you did not become awkward around me, even if I did the most selfish thing someone like me could possibly do. I hope we could bond soon - which I'm pretty sure we've got a ton of movie dates with Nina and Mariel! Haha!
To Dayday - one my first few friends in UP! Thank you for all the hugs during BNPN and Euphoria! Hahajk! Thank you for trusting me and being so supportive! If you ever need me on something, or you just want to make kwento, I’m right here! More commutng stories and adventures soon, okay!?
To UP PsychSoc, especially the people I’m really close to, I’m not really the best app there ever was, but I’m really looking forward to do great things with you guys! I think I’ve found a home somewhere in this huge org and that I’m willing to nurture it and make it grow! Liam, you’re the best LAC daddy ever! Thank you for so much trust, patience, and effort to help us LAC BOPS ‘14! Proud to be ma- #LACas! Isis, my buddy, thank you for all the support - despite me almost wanting to defer, you believed in me and hindi ka nagkulang! Stay strong, okay!? I know you’ve been having a rough time yourself! Nizza, you are incredible! You are very strong-hearted and benevolent! Good luck being the new dept reps with Gelo! Gelo, don’t stop being pogi! I look forward to a great year for Psych! Hannah, Jane & Armine, thank you for all the kwentuh. I’m certain that we’ll have ton of those for the next few years! BOPS 14, I love you all!
This year was truly a remarkable point in life. But there are so much more to explore, so many discoveries, and so many experiences that God and his universe has to offer! But for now, He gave me UP - now let’s see what happens, shall we?
I really don’t know how to start this letter, nor do I know what to say to make you read on. But I’m never too sure what is right or wrong about this, so for now, this will do. I can’t really find a way to talk about this with you, because ‘m afraid that I might mess up all my words, scramble my thoughts as I go by, and eventually confuse you as we go on in that conversation. I don’t want that to happen. I love writing, and I find comfort in it. So please bear with me as I go on with this letter.
Remember when you said, “[Y]ou never talk about your crushes with me” when we went out to watch a movie with our friends?
And I answered, “It’s because I’m not sure if you would accept [my crush stories].”
You replied, “I’m pretty sure I’ve accepted you for a while now.”
And I paused for a moment, until you said, “Maybe next time?”
“Yeah, siguro next time na lang.”
Tell you what? I guess this is that next time.
I guess as you read this sentence may already know, or not, what I would say (or write) next. But before I say it, I want to tell you why I’ve tried not to. So please hear (read) me out. But if you find it a little too much right now, you can stop and read on when you’re ready.
---
I didn’t want to say it because there’s already a “fault” that is way beyond my control - my sex. I’m not implying that I don’t love myself, or this body, or this mind - I love it and I’m happy with it. It was my choice to be this way. But I always feel scared about this aspect whenever I think about having a crush on someone, or even falling in love (which I know you said it’s dangerous to mistake it with something else but I hope you’ll forgive my romanticism just for now). I feel scared and I’m not yet entirely certain why. This is part of what I meant by the “extra cognition of LGBTs” when we had that conversation when we were walking from Bio to CASAA. Will someone ever like someone like us? Will love ever come to us?
Maybe it’s because I‘m scared of what you might say next. Remember how I used to highlight how handwritten literature is always the best because the emotion of the writer is reflected on the handwriting? Well, I do not know if you’ve noticed but I’m scared as I write this. Scratch that - I’m terrified.
I’m terrified because I really think of you as a great friend. In fact I’d thank Him everyday for introducing people like you to me. You are kind, selfless, forgiving, witty, smart, funny, and I hope you don’t mind - charming. But it’s not just those things that made me like you... there’s something else. Something that I coudn’t really point out or, at least, put in to words which makes you more interesting.
Your friendship is a blessing. You are a blessing... and I’m terrified of losing it. I hope that even after you read this, you wouldn’t feel awkward around me, because maybe I’m already awkward around you. It’s unfair to ask this from you, but please, please don’t.
I know it’s been almost a year since I’ve known you. And I’m sure I can’t compete with the other people who’ve known you longer. But to me feelings such as liking someone doesn’t always have to come with time... or maybe it does, in a subjective way. But I think the time I’ve spent with you, or getting to know you more, is enough for me to like you. Of course there are other factors, but for me, when it comes to things like this, I couldn’t explain it. I’m not good at it. It’s mysterious. I don’t know how. (And I’m sure you’ll argue something else hehe)
There are a lot more that I wish to tell you, but this will do for now. If you want to, I could talk about it with you, but only if you want to. I do not want to force myself into you. I’m not expecting reciprocity; I never have, and you know why. But I want you to know that it’s okay with me!
And so after that long dramatic letter - here it goes...
I like you, A*** *******.
I hope you like me too...
---
Sincerely yours,
Josh
P.S.
Pasensya ka na sa maraming hugot galing sa akin! I think being emotional has been a part of me ever since, and I’m not ashamed of showing it to you in this way. :) Salamat rin sa lahat ng tulong mo sa akin! I will never forget them!
this is actually some of the best merch they ever had ever although I wish they made the sweatshirt simple/minimalistic like they did with the tops and stuff
pls make a minimalist version of the bars sweatshirt thank you luhhh you
Today was a special day. It definitely became the epitome of my dramatic weekend. It made me believe on what I can do, who I am, and who I love. Most importantly, why I love...
It started out last February 13th - the UP Fair 2015: Free Fall. The night felt so sublime and natural that things were as lovely as the night sky above us. The drizzle poured and made things extra special. It fell like snow. Such as falling rain, so are my feelings. Yes. About him. It seemed very dramatic for some, but for me, it was magical. And I appreciate even the smallest of magical moments and things.
As my favorite band played their song, and the fireworks kept lighting up the night sky, I realized that I was happy and sad, and I didn't know why. But as the night went on, I knew why. I was reminded that I was in love with him.
Love. My friend and I once philosophized that love is an infinite matter which nobody controls. Even until this day, the philosophy holds true for my condition. As someone who loves to feel anything, I chose to reconsider the philosophy and putting it into action. And so I planned.
February 14 - Valentine's Day. I wasn't really fond of this day, because in truth I never had anyone who will significantly share it with - apart from my family, of course. But then again, I felt it and my feelings were strong... something that I could no longer control. Even the slightest suppression doesn't solve anything. So it felt like I was gonna explode! So I chose to make a move.
With the help of a few friends I was able to see him, but the event wasn't solely for my own purpose. I tried my best to reach out to him and tell him. But the night wasn't the night. And so I laid in bed with an empty feeling.
The morning after... the 15th. I opted to make another go. Couple of texts, here and there, I found an opportunity. I made a hasty decision of leaving our house and heading to where he was. The thrill, the excitement, the anxiety, I didn't know what to say to him... or at least I didn't know how. How do I tell him that he the reason why I took so much time off of this weekend trying to get to him? Trying to be with him? Trying to confess to him? But then my mind went blank as the moment arrived.
We were both there, sitting by the stone stairs. He was quite happy with what's going on, and I was happy just to see him. But deep down I was nervous... more so, terrified. I don't know what will happen next. It started with small talk, then it grew bigger, then I gave off hints. He bought it, so he asked me to say it...
I love you, I said, I really really really am in love with you.
And the rush of the whole universe was inside me.
I said crushing on him was an understatement, and I couldn't deny how close we really are. He laughed, smiled, and told me that it's okay... that I should feel okay. He kept telling me that what I'm feeling is okay, and I should just let it all out. He listens. Then I just wanted to say over and over again that I love him. I just wanted that moment again and again and again...
I took the remainder of my guts to ask him, do you love me back?
I wasn't expecting the answer, but I feel enamored from what he said. He does love me, but just in a deeper amicable sense. He told me that I've became an important part in his life, like how he is to mine. And so, I fell in love with him all over again.
The talk ended with him leaving me three things, which I'll just keep to myself.
Right now I feel like I did the right thing.... I feel love. And I want to thank him for letting me feel this way. Even if this is not my top-of-the-expectations-of-outcome-list, I still am happy that I was able to do it. That I am capable of expressing and sharing love. And in the end, it's all that matters.
So here I am, in this morning Fahrenheit, blogging on Tumblr and checking on Twitter, saying...
It feels like I have infinitely poured out my emotions and thoughts on every blog post in my Tumblr, but I really don't care. This one is like the others, except that this is about my mom.
Now, our family story wasn't really the best rated-G story of all time, but I'd say this already feels like normal to me. Every day feels like drama. I hate it - but ironically, at the same time, I like it... which is probably why I have this blog post right now. But again, I don't really mind disclosing my emotions via online, for as long as I do not get too "revealing" (if you know what I mean).
Anyways, back to my episode... when my mom and dad split up six years ago, I started creating this persona of being unattached to people, even those who are close to me. I never really understood completely, but for all I know, it was probably the trauma of seeing your mother sleep beside your father with cold shoulders one night, then leaving the house - leaving us, in the morning after. Trust me, it didn't really hurt that she left. I know she had to. She needed to.
But there's a disadvantage to leaving the house... disconnection. Now, I wasn't technically disconnected with my mom or whatever. In fact, I and my brother visited her during the weekends. My dad's house was closer to school so we opted to stay with him. But my mom got disconnected in such a way that she never knew what really goes on at dad's house. And not to mention, we miss her (I'm not sure with my dad though but probably), like she misses us. And ever since, my parents - mom especially, valued the quantity of time we spent with each of them rather than the quality of each moment. Fast forward to 2015, where drama doesn't to have reached peak yet, mom and dad have placed me in a situation that I could barely live in. I might regret saying that, but it's the truth.
There were times that mom had many misinterpretations of stories about my dad and how he is after she left, and same goes to my dad, but dad wasn't prone to talk about that kind of stuff with us. Mom would always blame dad, or at least tag a negative note on a certain happening. It's kind of frustrating, actually. And now she seldom questions why we still opt to go here, even if we chose to transfer and love with her last year. I couldn't tell her, but I wish i could have her that she would know only if she had experienced it - the feeling of responsibility to honor both of my parents, and likewise be a good son and stay neutral to the situation (unless something a bit more grave happens). But in truth, I'm really just sick of all this. I don't want this anymore, and more so, I do not need this anymore.
I know they are irreplaceable, and life is short... and so as I try to be a good son, I try my best to spend the most of time to both of them, even if not with equal time - but my attention, at least, is with them.
And that's why I always keep myself unattached. But they'll never understand...
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