Singular, not plural. I fucked ME up.
I take a deep breath for every time someone throws it in my face that I consumed being in a treatment facility. Yeah, I used. Does that define who I am? While the wound is still fresh, yes. Does it bother me for people to critique, point their fingers, and try to belittle me because of it? FUCK YEAH. But honestly, I learned to cope with it and their inability to be mature about the fact that I am struggling with a day-to-day battle. I don’t wake up every morning thinking I want to take a hit out of the pipe, that’s for sure. My problem is my problem and if you can’t understand it the way that I deal with it then that’s your inability to comprehend or understand all what the program of recovery preaches. Everyone is in a different journey and I cannot condemn or look down on people because they could not resist to what pulls me down. My time does not make me any more superior to those who have less than me. And know that your time does not automatically give you the right to try and bash people for committing a mistake. It’s understanding… As a director for a recovery facility and after three weeks of dedication without prep or planning, and having to battle my emotional and psychological wars, to fall back into temptation of course is a downfall. What ive learned is that it fucking happens. I’m in recovery. I have a few options though. I can take the beat and mourn at how terrible my life is, I can take this as a blessing to remind myself that I was losing myself to the labor of taking care of someone else, I can stay on the ground and not give a fuck about anything that moves around me. I could use the easy way out. I’ve done it before. But that’s exactly what those people that point their finger, not realizing three are pointing back at them, want from me.
They want to see me stay on the ground, because to them it probably took them longer to bounce back. What’s it to them. Like I have said. It’s not the first time, and it sure as hell won’t be the last time that someone gets high in a treatment facility. That’s what happens in recovery. People slip but that does not mean its permissible to think that its okay. I know its not. But because I used, in terms singular, ME, I didn’t take someone down with me. I didn’t abuse my power and gave it others to use with me. I didn’t expect for people to ask me for some. It was brief and it was something I thought I could control, because that’s the lie that the drug promises me. But those around me don’t look at it that way. They shame me for what I did. They signal my failure like a mockery of things you shouldn’t do. And they try to clean their hands saying they never did it in treatment. Or they never did it while receiving the help. I am not one to bash on their success, but I am one to bash on their mind set. This slip helped me understand a lot of things. For one, I know my truth. I stick strong to my values. I don’t need some pretentious buffoon who has time under their belt judge me for something that I am going through. If your intent is to help, then seek to understand. Seek to comprehend. I did it to myself.
Another thing would be that I abused my authority and brought someone else down. That I was hustling the system and selling it. But see that would make me a legend to their eyes. I don’t seek glory; I seek to comprehend and learn how I can cope with my problem. I understand my expectations when given the responsibility to direct a facility were high. And I don’t blame those who put me there, but if it was a case of helping, then where was my help. I didn’t abandon the ship. I knew I had to face the consequences of my actions. I knew I fucked up. And I tried running away and the consequences always catch up to me. And their worse from last time. I am not asking to not be reminded. I am not asking to not learn from it. But come on. If it’s a case of being placed back in administration is not your plan of action to signal and claim whoever put me there is a moron.
. Obviously, I work and serve for a purpose. I learn what I am supposed to learn. And it’s the way the cards were placed to put me of use. Those above me saw it in me. And to this day, I pay for the consequences that came from that action. A director relapsing at a women’s recovery facility. Like I said, this brings light to how even the highest or strongest individual can collapse individually without even knowing why. It’s not an act of God, but a lesson from the universe that answered the interior questions that I needed. I was honestly getting sucked into not taking care of myself thinking I needed to help others first. It’s me. I need me. I have me. I will push through with me. And I will live with just me. No one to blame, no one to judge. Mistakes are lessons to learn from, and although this may be one of the 145th mistake, the 30th relapse, the 47th rock bottom experienced. Then that’s what it needs to be. But Id be damned if I didn’t stand up to defend myself because at the end of the day, my heart was always in the right place.
My vision was fixed in the goal. And my truth was believed and known to be real. So if people don’t want to understand, if people don’t want to listen, if people find it too hard to accept the lesson, that’s because their own intent is to disregard the failure and not think they need to overcome it. I as a change, I embrace it. I fucking dance with it. But respectfully I need to put it behind me and never again commit that mistake again. Using doesn’t make me a monster. It makes me human. It makes me vulnerable. It makes me realize that I need to seek guidance and protection from a God, the universe, whatever, whoever to help me with this journey.
