This is not me, but a part of me. @juansnoww - Tumblr Blog

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There will come a point in your life when you will make a horrible decision. Maybe you’ll hurt someone along the way. It’s not that people didn’t warn you, or that you weren’t fully aware of the consequences, but there will never be enough words to stop you from doing it anyway. Maybe it’s because you don’t want to live wondering “what if,” or because you are daydreaming of a life you wish you had.

But I want you to be clear about one thing: those are not mistakes. They are choices, wrong choices that you actively make for yourself. And when the time comes for consequences to ask you to be accountable, you must swallow it all and learn the hard way. Grow, live again, and become a better person.

5-30-2026

Quezon city

What’s something that you wish people noticed more about you?

5-30-26

Maybe this will be the last letter that I will write about you. Yet, you will never be able to read it. (Same as the other letter I wrote about you.)

And just like how some galaxies collapse and worlds end from distant light-years away, the same goes for what we thought ought to be permanent. I thought my love for you was stronger than the propelling polarity of gravity—but no, the longer I cling, the more harm it would do to both of us. I do love you, and I can say that even to the last minute, even when the hurt is still there, I do. (Even if you don’t believe me.) But I came to realize that sometimes, love is not enough. Or maybe our love is not enough.

From the past few years we were together, I am happy to have grown in grace with you. Safety, stability, warmth, joy—but at the same time, repeated heartache and longing that drifted us apart. I am mad about what you did before, but at the same time, I understand that you are not a bad person. I just see you as a person with complexities and stories, going through life for the first time. Both can be true at the same time. I don’t know if you will feel the same about me, but it’s okay if anger lingers more. And I’m sorry for what I did.

I am not expecting an apology from you; I made peace with it long ago, the same way I started to surrender my heartaches.

I still wish you joy, peace, and comfort from the people who stay. May you lean on the love of others when you can’t find love within yourself. I still wish you success, health, and to see you become the person I once wished you would be. Or maybe, be with a person who accepts you exactly as you are.

(Letters with no address)

#juansnoww

5/28/26

Quezon City

There’s this stillness after the storm in your life, where everything is left scattered and drenched, and somehow, you try to stop time.

You stop it by keeping everything as it is, as if life itself is suspended. But deep down, you know that eventually, somehow, life moves forward whether you are ready for it or not.

You keep things suspended because the damage feels catastrophic, blown far beyond what you imagined. Like shrapnel from an explosion, hitting the people you love, and the people you loved.

5/28/26

8-bitfiction

At the back of my mind, there’s always this feeling that I’ve made peace with myself—that I might not see the world much longer. The absurdist in me accepts that life is whatever shit is happening, whatever shit I’ve done, and whatever shit will happen. It’s not that I can’t see myself in the future, or even tomorrow. It’s not an unsettling sense of doom, just the quiet understanding that life happens, or doesn’t happen, and I’m okay with it.

5-25-2026

QC 1928H

Random dump

I’ve experienced an epiphany about how much I know about this world three times.

The first was when I was 5 years old, when I started to realize that the world I lived in was much bigger than I thought, all because of reading an almanac.

The second was in high school, when I realized how vast human knowledge is, yet how little we still understand about the world.

The third was in college, when I realized that the world of my childhood felt better than the adult world. Sure, I can have adult money, but the pressure, responsibilities, and all the things I have to do or leave behind just to live can feel insane.

5/22/2026

Oh how I crave to just sit on a park bench

A lot of things happening, and not happening at the same time.

Las Piñas

5/18/2026

Bakit ganon? Hindi naman masaklap ang buhay, may masayang pamilya, maayos na kalusugan, masayang relasyon– pero parang nabubuhay ka pa ‘din na parang may kulang?

Parang may buhay ka pa ‘din na gustong subukan? Magiging sakim ba kung habang binubuo mo ang pangarap mo ay malaman mong dahan dahan ka na ding nagbabago? Nakakalungkot lang kasi binuno mo ng oras para mangyari ‘to, tapos nung malapit mo na makamit ay nakita mong hindi na pala iyon ang para ‘yo.

It’s always grounding to watch animal documentaries or clips of microorganisms thriving in their own environments. It reminds me that life keeps happening, in all its beauty and hardship, no matter where you are.

The world is vast, strange, and quietly wonderful. Somewhere, something is learning to survive, to adapt, to simply exist. And maybe that’s comforting in a way, knowing that every life carries its own rhythm, its own struggles, its own tiny moments of becoming.

Each experience is so painfully and beautifully unique. Sometimes, it helps to remember that we are only a small part of something much bigger.

You know it’s kinda sad knowing that some people you wish to see you in the eye are those people who take the mundane things for granted. I don’t know, I’m always involved to other peoples lives and support what they love but I do wish someone would enter my world and see what I’m passionate about.

I’m not sure if I’m not advocating myself enough or I don’t know.

5/14/2026

Something in me ignited as I watched the Artemis II launch into full throttle. I’m always a science kid, I geek over space and dinosaur and I can’t help but feel at awe how inspiring this is to young people. But this is also my drag path living in a country where opportunities to achieve this big dream might not be for me.

Life has felt like a constant wave lately. I am still learning to pick up lessons with brand-new eyes, even when they come from mistakes, failures, and lapses in judgment. I admit that when things are cloudy, it feels like choices are limited and staying grounded seems impossible. I sometimes react in ways that may cause more harm than good.

Thankfully, there are good people along the way. Amid the complexity of human relationships, I have been able to carry a bit of wisdom from everyone, and I am learning to carry a bit of love with them as well.

I know my plate is still full, but I am slowly and carefully managing the dishes. I am hoping that the dust settles soon so I can start a brand-new day with the good people who choose to stay.

1/12/26 Las Piñas 0040H

It’s hard to understand love as a Queer person

Growing up to a certain age and realizing that love is not only about emotion, but that emotion is just one part of it, makes it harder for queer people to arrive at a deeper understanding of what love truly means. Yes, romance is a recipe for love, but long-term love asks for work and commitment. It asks us to grieve the lives we will never live and to grow together into the life we eventually become.

There are very few people we can look to for guidance on what love looks like thirty or forty years from now. Instead, we often rely on romanticism, cling to sexual roles, and turn them into identities in order to understand who we are. This becomes especially difficult when most of the love we have known is the kind portrayed on television, transactional, commodified, and superficial.

This version of love erases the reality that everyone we will ever love is difficult to live with in some way. And when the illusion of romance finally wears off, when we are faced with the truth that we are all a little broken and complicated on the inside, it becomes harder to understand how love survives at all.

I really love what Alain de Botton tells about love in general. “love is the ability to remain kind and committed in the presence of disappointment — yours and the other person’s. Love begins when the fantasy ends. When you stop believing the other person will complete you, read your mind, or rescue you from loneliness — and instead see them as a flawed human you might still choose.”

1-8-26 Quezon City

#love #blog

What I learned working with people with cancer

Being diagnosed with cancer felt like a death sentence. All of a sudden it will somehow feel like your life stop, your plans will change, and everything you knew and dream will narrow down. And this is what I usually see to people recently diagnosed with it. But what really surprise me is that people bloom amidst their frail body. Most of them started to live more, started to love more, and started to be intentional on how to live their life.

So it keeps me grounded to experience pain and failure as it is to experience life. I think what I see in them is living shouldn’t be about it is free from pain and sadness. But the ability to understand the ambivalence of life and to go through it. At some point regardless of whatever happened to them I often see a fulfilled life filled with hope. A person amidst their frail shaky voice is an indomitable spirit that cannot be moved.

It is a privilege to work and care with them.

1-8-26 Quezon City

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This is not me, but a part of me.