untitled_diary

[judgeme]

she is the closest i have to a person who understands me.

[judgeme]

pro/con

i’m not sure if we should stay together. i think we both need time alone to find ourselves because i dont think our mental health can take being together. i don’t know if i’m ready for that. we’re speaking more now, and when i was with her we barely spoke and it was horrible being that way with someone you know so well.

but at the same time the idea of never waking up with her ever again is terrifying. she’s my best friend and if we break up I lose her forever. i want to go home to her and hug her to sleep. her face. her eyes. her smile.

[judgeme]

[judgeme]

her 22nd+more

i visited her back in her city for her birthday. it was kind of surreal. over summer i had built a life there, i had a place to live, a girlfriend and a job. now it was just my girlfriend’s city. when i arrived she was at university so i hung around the shops and what not for awhile. when i first saw her i hugged her, and she hugged me. it felt empty and fake. for the last couple of weeks we had been talking less and less. now i was here and so was she and i had missed her so much and there was nothing. we wanted to go to a club to hang out but no one was available, and the only time she ended up going out was for a girls night, so. 

on her birthday i got her presents ready and she opened them. we went out for dinner at one of her favourite places and saw a film. we spoke and it was nice, just empty. i don’t know. we agreed to go on a break when i left. she told me i could call her if i needed her, which i knew i would. a couple of days went by before i did. i was in tears and i didn’t know what to say i just wanted to hear her voice. i called again a day later for the same reason and she told me i was being disrespectful by calling her after saying i would give her space. i thought that was a harsh way to judge the situation. i called her after a week and we spoke about the possibility of breaking up. 

it’s been a week since. we haven’t stopped talking and weirdly i feel closer to her now. we don’t know if we’re going to stay broken up or not. she doesn’t know what she wants and neither do i. we think this is something we have to do but we dont want to have to do it. i haven’t left my room today.

[judgeme]

i wish i could be charismatic

[judgeme]

back home

i moved back to my city for uni. i miss living with her. every time i call her she sounds preoccupied, or at least like she’d rather be somewhere else. i think she’s annoyed by me. think we’re going to fall out of love and i don’t think there’s anything I can do about it.

[judgeme]

21st

it was my birthday yesterday.

the night before i had gotten off work and it was passed midnight so it had officially begun and i got home and waited for my girlfriend to come home. I knew she had been out with a friend of hers from work, Diane. I knew she’d be home late but she came home at half three in the morning and even then she stayed up even later so I fell asleep alone. 

i woke up before her due to a phone call from my mother, to wish me happy birthday. Me and my girlfriend had made plans to go out to an aquarium i’d never been to so i was quite excited. She didnt wake up until around half eleven and after opening presents it was around 12. I kept trying to get her up but she wouldnt really move or she’d just lay with me for a bit. I tried to make a move for sex but advances were rejected

After a while she started getting ready but took until two o clock to get ready, with the place closing at 5 we didnt end up going as it wouldnt have been worth it. We had a small argument and she cried saying “I didnt want to ruin your birthday”, we made up and went out to a few shops and hung out. It was fun and I enjoyed spending the time with her. When we got back she slept until our friends came over to watch a movie. The movie was OK and then we went to bed.

I tried initiating sex but she didnt seem interested. I know i wasn’t entitled I just wish she hadn’t said the actual words “We will have sex today”. We havent had a lot of sex recently so I was hoping this would be a good way to hopefully get a little bit closer as we’ve been distant as of late. I dont know.

[judgeme]

i

i don’t think my girlfriend loves me anymore. we have been living together over summer between our university courses as we are at universities at different cities. we have had sex twice over the passed two months. i love her. she says she loves me. a few weeks prior to me coming down to live here she met a guy through one of our friends in her city. they took MDMA and went to a festival where he felt her up and she insisted she had a boyfriend and she says that was that. she keeps messaging him though. whenever i express the fact that this makes me uncomfortable with her she gets defensive, explaining that she doesn’t want “that kind of relationship” and wants to “be free”. she tells me i’ll probably get on with the guy when i meet him. i wish she’d defend me as much as she does him. 

just before we started university, around two years ago, we briefly broke up. she was scared about having a long distance relationship. after breaking up with me she had slept with a guy who she previously claimed was just a friend when i had similar worries. after i heard i slept with one of my friends who was also one of her friends. i don’t know if i still hold resentment towards my girlfriend. i don’t know if i ever got over it. she still keeps one of his t-shirts. she also gets jealous when i talk to girls, even though i only have a small handfull of female friends that i did not meet through my girlfriend. regarding one girl she  went as far to ask “do you fancy her”, with a straight face. i insisted that i didn’t and found it annoying that she’d think this of me.

i’m working two jobs in an expensive to live in city hundreds of miles away from where i go to university. this  seems like a lot of effort to put in for someone who won’t stop texting a person she’s met three times in person to make me feel a little more comfortable. i know it’s wrong to ask her to stop texting this guy but i don’t know. i have no problems with her having male friends, at all. she has several of male friends who i think are fantastic people, because when she met them they didn’t establish the fact they wanted to sleep with her, like this guy did. she thinks i’m stupid for being worried. she says if i met him i’d understand because “he’s like that with every girl” and that the only reason he did it with her was because she was “the only girl there”. this information doesn’t make me feel better about the situation. 

i am not proud to admit i have read several of her online chats with the guy. although most of it is innocent, sending links to cat videos etc. i can’t help but feel a cold sharp pain in my chest whenever she sends kisses (xxxx) or discuss something like sex, or porn. do not get me wrong there’s no proof in the messages, i just can’t help but think that if she were single that she’d sleep with him as soon as she got a chance. we both know that he would. also literally whenever someone mentions anything to do with cats she brings this guy into conversation. i dont think shes sent me a link for anything in the passed year. she insists that this is because we’re usually with eachother but we both work. and when she gets a break she’s messaging him. never me. i don’t know what i expect from writing this down. please don’t judge me. 

if anyone has any advice please message me.