Judy

This is my spot when my mind is overwhelmed and I’m looking for the right words. My life isn’t completely terrible I just only come around when I’m depressed

[judymay24]

I’ve thought a lot about you

How it might have been

What it would have been like

I’ve thought a lot the last 10 years

I don’t think I truly miss you

Just the thought

The rose colored versions of you

I’ve had more time to make things up

It’s funny how you’re mind searches

When you’re feeling sentimental

Trying to make those small moments meaningful

Because you broke me

Right now I have this person in my life

That sees me

Loves me

Who needs me

I don’t think I would ever risk it

For anything

But I have moments

What if

You showed up

With a moment to relive

I would be tempted

[judymay24]

Still Searching

You looked good

You looked happy

I felt a rush I couldn’t explain

Before I knew it, you were gone

I spent the next few minutes searching

For that damn video again

I couldn’t find it

I didn’t realize it was a dream

Until I woke up

But what’s sad

Is my first thought wasn’t, “Wow”

It was—

I need to find that video

I need to see him again

I need to feel him again

I needed to search for him again

[judymay24]

Stupid dreams

I didn’t realize it was a dream

It felt like a real moment

Imagine

Sitting and scrolling through my phone

Pops up a promotion video from my old college

In the video you show up

My heart hit the top of my throat

You looked good

You looked happy

I felt a rush that I can’t explain

Before I knew it you were gone

I spend the next few minutes looking

for that damn video again

I couldn’t find it

I didn’t realized it was a dream

Until I woke up

But what’s sad

My first thought was

I need to find that video

I need to see him again

I need to feel him again

I needed to search for him again

8/26/25

[judymay24]

Ringworm Cat & The Air Mattress

Since July sixth,

I’ve been sleeping on an air mattress—

one that deflates just enough each night

to remind me I’m alive

and kind of falling apart.

My back feels like gravel.

My hips ache constantly.

My only comforts:

a cold can of LaCroix

and a stray cat

who probably has ringworm.

(It’s fine. He purrs. I’m lonely.)

Meanwhile, I’m dismantling this apartment

piece by piece

so you can swoop in later

to “help” and “finish.”

But most days,

it feels like I’m stuck in the middle

doing the heavy lifting

while also getting reminded

what’s not done yet.

“Tell her she can pick it up anytime this week.”

“Make sure you’re not buying perishables.”

I know those things aren’t a big deal on their own,

but they feel heavier

when I’m already tired,

hungry,

alone,

washing bedding for a maybe-infected cat

and trying not to feel like I’m drowning in the mess.

I know you care.

I know this isn’t easy on either of us.

But tonight,

this is where I’m at.

7/26/25

[judymay24]

I feel like I could throw up,

I feel sick to my stomach

I’ve never been at a job where I’m in between

I’m not good enough but yet amazing

I feel like I’ll never be good enough

I have stuff to do

Kids to teach and I don’t feel like me

I feel empty

I feel like I’ve given everything

Yet the moment I scream for help

I’m not good enough

I’ll never be good enough

[judymay24]

I’m not depressed—

just tucked away,

quiet and out of reach.

I’m not overwhelmed,

just tired in a way sleep doesn’t fix.

[judymay24]

A Quiet Neighbor

I’m not depressed,

Just somewhere quiet, isolating.

Not overwhelmed,

Just tired of waiting.

No one’s ever given me a name for this,

So I pretend it doesn’t exist.

It’s not bulimia,

Just a trick my stomach learned—

I’m fine.

I haven’t done that in years,

But sometimes it still returns.

My body, my mind—

The worst kind of neighbors.

Counting every glance, every bite,

Calling me out for my labors.

They never miss a night.

This year will be the same,

The same endless game.

But maybe, just maybe,

It’ll inspire a song or two—

And I’ll sing it back to you.

Retried with AI - 1/3/25

[judymay24]

I’m not depressed

Just isolating

I’m not overwhelmed

Just tired

I’ve never been diagnosed

So it’s easy to pretend I don’t have a problem

I don’t have bulimia

It’s just easier for my stomach to purge

I’m fine

I haven’t done it in years

But I think about it…

My body, and my mind are my worst neighbors

They watch, keep count, and call me out

I can’t catch a break

This year will be the same

But hopefully with a few more inspiration for songs

[judymay24]

Appreciation post

I truly didn’t think I would be writing this

About the love of my 2nd life

Nothing compared to his warmth

His strong loving consideration for me

consistency meeting me

Keeping me from the edge

Holding the things I’ve missed placed

Softy reminding me to love myself

He doesn’t get enough credit

Keeping a unstoppable hurricane contained 

We are friends with hopes and plans

But close enough to be committed

I don’t think I’ll ever feel good enough

I know he won’t understand why

I’m lucky he sees things I don’t

I just know I love him back

- Something Positive For Once 8/14/24 1:33am

[judymay24]

I’ve got a guilty feeling

Deep in my throat

I wish my parents were like others

I hate how their words inside of me rot

They weren’t that bad

I had happy moments

Memories that light up my face

I just have so many more that don’t

What’s funny is

I grew up with them

Hating their parents

Is this a cycle?

I want that to change

I want to break this cycle

Tomorrow is a good time to start

On my dads birthday

- 1:13am midnight thoughts in New Mexico 8/14/24

[judymay24]

Terrible feelings wash over me

I’ve always hated my body

Even the one I miss now

Growing up I was always compared

I didn’t have enough assets

“No one would ever like you if you’re fat”

Those voices still haunt me

And the unspoken words on your lips

I see the changes

I didn’t think I had a problem

Until now

I saw the meals I skipped

As a talent

“I just don’t feel hungry”

I hate my body

I thought one day I wouldn’t

But it hasn’t happened yet

- another shitty feeling 7/19/24

[judymay24]

I reached out

A sweet quick message

A hand reaching out

Because I still care

I got a clever response

Feels passive

Something dark and strange

It felt like him

I try to think of something clever

One word to keep it light

Leaving it up to him

To pull me back in

I don’t know why I’m surprised

Just a little image

Letting me know he read it

But didn’t want anything else

I’m nothing to him

And that still hurts

It shouldn’t

But it still burns my skin

I’m one year away from his age

When he met me

When he changed my world

When he cared about me.

12 years went by so quickly

2/18/24 1:44pm

[judymay24]

I’m airing out my thoughts

Some people care

Some stop by

Some plant themselves in the ground

I’m not sure what I am half the time for people around me. Sometimes I tried so hard to be friends with people, but I realized I’m putting in so much effort. I start feeling insecure about how people perceive me. I feel like I’m leaving myself open for rejection each time I notice I’ve been the one reaching out.

But on the flip side, when I start having these feelings I just want to hide. I want to avoid them and I leave them on read. Now I’m the shitty friend because I don’t know how to let people in and know what’s on my mind.

Getting close to people make me feel so vulnerable and uncomfortable.

[judymay24]

Nails bitten

Past tense situations

And she gains my attention.

Nervous smile

Trying to impress

Knowing that this goddess doesn’t notice.

Sudden goosebumps

Wrapped fingers

This want to be forward and passionate lingers.

Just the thought

A lustful dream

To crave while not knowing what it means.

- 11/05/23 2:51pm

[judymay24]

[brightlightsloudnoises]

i saw you

you looked good

like you’re finally becoming the person you were meant to be

like you have found a balance between how to give the world what it needs

and how to hold on to what you need.

i saw you

farther from the edge and

you looked good.

[judymay24]

I repost this so much because I keep hoping that I’ll be the girl farther from the edge one day.

Also did you ever notice that the difference between hoping and hopping is one letter… one step?

[judymay24]

Still close to the edge.

Less hoping and closer to hopping.

Maybe in a few more years I’ll feel different.

[judymay24]

I need to reconnect

To the touch,

sound,

And taste.

I feel detached

From you,

Space,

my mind.

I would redo most of my life

I would relive the past

Even if it meant it would end the same.

I wish I knew those moments were

Passing

Fleeting,

And ending.

I don’t think I’ll ever learn

My life is truly beautiful

Sweet,

And kind.

I get so overwhelmed with my stress

want to stop,

Relive,

And restart.

I want to live in the moment

Not feel the past cling to my shoulders

imagining every single possibility 

I am my worst friend, but I’m lucky enough to have him. A lover that sees me with each flaw. His love is like the morning sun. It shows up no matter how doubtful I feel the night before.

11/1/23 10pm