j’s space

think of me once in a while

[jujuies]

we don’t talk anymore and it feels like every day, i am just trying to find a way to see you anyway.

[jujuies]

ever since the moment i met you, it has always been you.

it always has been and it always will be you.

[nemesisdoll]

[jujuies]

i wish you’d choose me.

[jujuies]

something that shocked me recently is me admitting to myself that if we’re just talking about want, i want to just keep loving her forever and ever.

because you’ve all seen it, i can forego my own needs and my love for her can consume me enough for me to not give a damn about what it costs me.

[jujuies]

i love her even if we’re not talking 😭

so so in love with that girl, it makes me sick to my stomach.

but it’s over, i’ve already chosen to walk away and this time, i will stand by it. i’m still trying to make peace with the fact that my love for her can coexist with respect for myself.

that i can love her with my whole heart and still walk away because if i don’t, it will kill me.

[jujuies]

i love you. even if i don’t want to, i will walk away.

but aimee, i love you.

[jujuies]

It was foolish of me to think I knew better than God when I stubbornly kept choosing you for more than a year.

[road0flife]

[jujuies]

i will walk away even if i don’t want to.

even if i don’t want to.

if we’re talking about want, it has been a long time that all i’ve ever wanted was you.

i don’t know how long it will be still.

but even if i don’t want to—not at all—i will walk away.

because a little part of me finally believes that i deserve more than this, that it is a disgrace to myself and to the people i love for me to keep loving someone who will never love me or even see me the way that i deserve.

so even if all i ever wanted was for it to be you—even if i could spend my life loving you—i won’t.

[jujuies]

you are still my 11:11 wish

[jujuies]

i love you all the time

[jujuies]

back to not talking to you and it hurts a bit less and it’s a little easier than the first time but it’s sad all the same

[jujuies]

can’t shake the feeling that somehow and someway, my heart will love you until it simply ceases to be

[jujuies]

Do I want to move on? I want to not be totally crushed by seeing you.

I want to not want to cry every time I leave work because I just keep replaying the moments I saw you that you probably never even spare a second thought to.

I want to not want you so desperately like this.

And it just makes me realise that if I really am serious about that, the only way is to go back to pretending that you don’t exist. Not talking to you. Not being your friend.

It’s the most difficult thing. It’s as if my body physically wants to reject being away from you. The thought—the mere thought—of going back to distancing myself from you makes me sick to my stomach. It stings my eyes and makes them pool. It physically feels like my chest is being ripped apart and torn to shreds.

Even trying to let new people into my life, it makes me sick. And I feel terrible feeling so gutted inside every single day for so long that I have lost count.

I just love you with all of my heart and I wish it would end already. Because you don’t love me back. And if I respected myself enough, I would have done everything to stop it ages ago. But I lose that argument with myself all the time, in the end, I always choose you.

And Aimee, I’m terrified. I’m genuinely terrified that I will live my life like this. That this will span years before I act to save myself.

I wonder why I keep waiting, why I always have the door open for you. I wonder why I would drop everything for you. I wonder why I do.

[jujuies]

this is what it literally feels to die inside.

i’m dying inside every day i see you.

[jujuies]

I was on a date yesterday. It was the first proper date that I’ve been on in years.

There was nothing wrong with her or what we did. She was actually nice and we shared the same sense of humour and had lots of things in common.

I sat in the passenger seat of her car and watched her drive and we talked about everything and nothing.

We ended the date by walking around a park in Waverton. I remember looking at the view and smiling at how good the day was going. I was taking a photo of the view of the harbour bridge and the city skyline from the park bench where we sat and I looked back at her and realised with painful clarity that it didn’t matter.

I can date other people, spend time with other girls, enjoy my time with people who find me attractive, but they will never be you. I knew it when my heart ached when I looked back and it was her and not you. I knew it when I look back on that memory now and wish I shared moments like that with you and not with anyone else.

I knew it. And it is a painful thing to try and come to terms with.