j’s space

think of me once in a while

[jujuies]

Every time I walk home and see the moon when I look up at the night sky, all I can think about is that it’s you that I want to talk to about it.

[jujuies]

I’m not really much of a fan of camping but I have this feeling that you are. Isn’t it a touch insane that in my first waking moments, my thought is that I’d change for you? I don’t love camping but I love the girl who loves it, so I couldn’t hate it at all.

[jujuies]

I look up at the night sky often and wonder if you see it too.

Then I wonder if I will ever love someone like this again and then if I ever even want to.

[jujuies]

Waiting for the day that I can finally say that I don’t love you anymore.

Will it ever come? Am I waiting for nothing at all?

[jujuies]

And I wonder if the day will ever come when I will stop looking for little pieces of you everywhere.

I don’t know if the ache has softened or if I have just grown accustomed to the pain of wanting someone I could never have.

[jujuies]

oh, if i had the option to move on and forget,

i’d do it in a heartbeat; grab it with both hands,

i’d find a big container and cram it all inside.

put that lid on tightly and push it to the back of my mind.

[stlamb]

[jujuies]

how much have i damaged my heart and mind by choosing, unfailingly, to love you?

[jujuies]

“Today’s my last day. I’m leaving.” I say it as monotonously as I can muster.

“What? Why?” you say but it’s empty. You ask those questions because they are what is expected in this situation.

“Because I can’t work with you anymore.”

Beat.

“I can’t do it anymore. As long as I see you this often, I will never move on. So I’m leaving.”

You say nothing and I wonder if the words I said ever reached your ears.

[jujuies]

like water in the palm of my hand,

i feel you slipping through.

no matter how hard i try,

i can’t hold onto you.

so tell me here and now,

don’t drag my heart around.

if you’re gonna break me in two,

do what you gotta do.

[jujuies]

the band camino’s “do what you gotta do” resonates so much with me right now because it’s a total surrender to the inevitable.

it’s the total awareness of the situation and the state of the connection and acknowledging how much effort has been put into changing the outcome, recognising that it won’t ever be enough, and finally ceasing to fight so hard against all of it.

it’s knowing that this huge tsunami is going to crash down and accepting that it will happen. it will devastate me. it will come crashing down and it will surely nearly drown me, but i won’t fight against it. i will let it wash over me, and hope that i come out on the other side.

[jujuies]

with all of my heart and for the rest of time, i will love you.

[petaltexturedskies]

Ingeborg Bachmann, from "Eyes to Wonder" in Three Paths to the Lake

[jujuies]

It hits me sometimes and almost knocks me to the ground how much you mean to me.

Giving it meaning in itself has lost meaning. It simply just is.

The realisation that no matter where you are in this world, it means very little to me. I hold you with great fondness in my heart and in my thoughts.

It softens me and drives me insane.

At the end of the day, this is all futile. Since I know very well that I love you and I am just a passing thought for you, if anything at all.

[jujuies]

And no, I don’t just love you. I’m in love with you.

Truly, sincerely, and irrevocably.

[jujuies]

i wish my resolve was stronger when it came to you, but no.

[jujuies]

how long have i loved you? is this still love?

maybe i just miss you.

but why? you don’t care. it doesn’t matter to you at all.

to you, i’m nothing but a passing thought, if anything at all.