The Tao of New Girl

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Newman's escort's review page.

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DRAMA!!!!

New Girl: Come look at my computer. You won't believe what I found.

Me: Newman?

New Girl: And ANOTHER escort. This is number THREE!

I go to her office where Wendy is already waiting. New Girl pulls up her phone bill and points to a number.

New Girl: Watch what comes up when I Google this number.

On the screen an escort review screen appears. Okay, first off I did not know that there is an Angie's List for escorts but there is! And you know what? It's pretty damned detailed. Years of reading Savage Love definitely preps you for this sort of thing, but I digress.

Me: Oh for fuck's sake. He is too stupid. What are you going to do?

New Girl: I'm moving out!

Me: It's your house. Go home and put all his shit on the front yard. Look, he's cheated with other women, he's cheated with sex workers...

New Girl: Should I call her to find out if he did it with her?

Me: Why? She has nothing to do with your situation. Why else would he contact an escort how many times?

New Girl: Four out-going, one in-coming.

Me:

New Girl:

Me: He has a child on the way with you. He calls them on a phone you pay for. He's not going to stop.

Wendy: She just broke it down like Montel. You need to get out, girl.

New Girl: I'm going to beat the shit out of him.

[julianjinx]

Why Companies Have a Dress Code

Queeg was in for a while this morning but has left for the day. New Girl has decided to make herself comfortable. By comfortable I mean she has undone her pants (completely unhooked and fly unzipped) and is walking around the office like someone's demented transgendered grandpa after Thanksgiving.

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Another to be Filed Under WTF? (Also don't read if you're eating)

I was helping Wendy with some software. This is exactly how the conversation went after Wendy was squared away.

New Girl: So before you came in here you know I was reading Wendy a news story, right?

Me: Um, no.

New Girl: About a guy who got his testicle eaten off by his dog.

Me: Um...what? No. What?

New Girl: Yeah, the guy was like paralyzed from the waist down and he felt a sharp pain and the dog had eaten his testicle. He said it was a stray dog and he didn't know if it'd have its shots. That'd be my first question.

Me: My first question is why was he naked with a dog. Seriously, why would you read that story? That's just...I don't...

New Girl: This is why I'm afraid of stray dogs.

Me: Really? THAT'S the reason?

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Upping the Ick Factor of New Girl's Life

New Girl: I am so mad at my son. I leave my phone at home so he will have it and you know what he's been doing?!?

Me: Playing Candy Crush?

New Girl: Taking naked selfies and getting naked pictures of girls.

Me:

New Girl:

Me: Um. I...I can't really process the stupidity of that. He's using his mother's phone...

New Girl: To take bad pictures of himself and get them from his little girl friends.

Me: So...your phone now contains child porn.

New Girl: No. No! Just pictures of him and the girls. I was not prepared to have this talk with him already. Fourteen years old. He's so stupid. I asked him if he knew how to delete the pictures and he said no.

Me: (rendered speechless just shaking my head)

New Girl: Boys. So stupid.

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Newman and the Escort

New Girl: I'm really upset. I got a call from a blocked number on Friday and didn't pick it up, but the message was a woman asking me to call her so I called her back on my prepaid phone so she wouldn't have my number.

Me: But...she called your phone and left a message...

New Girl:

Me: Please don't tell me this is another stripper.

New Girl: No, it was an escort.

Me: (I really did a face palm.)

New Girl: I was so mad I was shaking. She said that she verifies all her customers and she looked him up on People Finder and found me listed. So then she went to his Facebook page and saw me there too so she called me.

Me: Escorts vet johns?

New Girl: She said she's had a psycho before. She said she was sorry that she didn't want to break up a family but it was her job to get paid for sex.

Me:

New Girl: So I confronted Newman and he said that it was just a test to see if I was still checking his phone.

Me: Oh for fuck's sake. Tell me you didn't believe that.

New Girl: No, I didn't. But she described the sex to me and I think it was weird.

Me:

New Girl: She's based in Atlanta but she was in Columbia on Wednesday and she said they did it then.

Me: She's a traveling escort? She drives 4 hours to make house calls?

New Girl: I checked his wallet, Newman had no money, so I think she's lying.

Me: So...you think this escort is lying and the fact that Newman's wallet is empty verifies this?

New Girl: His brother says he didn't leave work on Wednesday. Only on Friday but she says she was only here on Wednesday and not Friday so I think she's lying.

Me: You are all insane. He CALLED AN ESCORT FOR SEX! He admitted that!

New Girl: I told him not to do it again because I'm not raising his daughter with him if he does it again.

Me: (Face palm again)

I'm practically hyperventilating from the stupidity of this.

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Chivalry: It is Dead

New Girl: Newman had a game in North Carolina so I rode up with him to watch. We were in a van with a bunch of other players and he starts flicking and shaking my belly to wake up the baby.

Me: What?

New Girl: Yeah he wanted her to move around so he woke her up. The problem is when she's moving around I have to go to the bathroom. A lot.

Me: (Wondering if this is a thing? Flicking bellies to wake up fetuses?)

New Girl: So then I had to make them stop like every 45 minutes. Finally they stopped next to some woods and told me just to go squat in the woods.

Wendy and Me:

New Girl: I told them, "I'm not going to go piss in the woods!" and they said just go in deep and no one can see.

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D-I-V-O-R-C-E!!

New Girl is getting a divorce! And because this is New Girl, she's doing the divorce from Oldman herself. Yes, she's gone online and found a DYI divorce kit.

New Girl: (handing me her divorce papers) So I went online and found this. I have to get a divorce if Newman and I are going to officially live together.

Me: Are you getting married?

New Girl: We are married.

Me: You're not...really married. You're married to Oldman.

New Girl: There's no papers that say we're married but we are married.

Me: Just not legally.

New Girl: Right.

Me:

New Girl: He better give me this divorce. I have all the papers on him! He's married-married to his wife and me.

Me: And you're just "married" to Newman.

New Girl: Right.

Okay, does anyone know anyone in publishing? I'm now convinced this would be a fun summer read for 2014.

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Drama!

New Girl: I had a run in with one of Newman's teammates last night. Remember the guy with the chair?

Me: Yes.

New Girl: Well he pushed my son. Usually if someone runs into him at practice they say something like, "sorry little man."

Me: (thinking--6-year-olds shouldn't be in a position where they can often be run into by football players in helmets and pads)

New Girl: But he didn't, so I went over and told him, "If you have a problem with me, you come to ME! Don't touch my boy."

New Girl: So then Chairman says, "Shut your fucking mouth! I didn't touch your kid!"

Me:

New Girl: So Newman comes over and Chairman says "Keep your woman away from me because if I have to hurt her to shut her up, then...hey"

Me:

New Girl: And then Chairman whispers to his friend, "I bet she'd shut her mouth if I whipped out my steel on her ass."

Me: (Trying to decide if "steel" is a euphemism for penis or a gun.)

I'm going with gun. I think. Yes, I'm going with gun.

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Wendy is Discovering the Insanity of New Girl

Walking by I overhear my name being mentioned by New Girl along with "get her to come with us for amateur night.

Me: Amateur night where?

New Girl: Platinum Plus (a Columbia strip club).

Me: (looking at Wendy) Ah. I see you're getting filled in.

Wendy: (with eyes the size of half dollars) Uh huh.

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She's Baaaack!

New Girl: I don't have my truck. I told Queeg it died but Title Chex came one night and took it.

Me:

New Girl: Just because I missed a payment. They said I have to give them $535 if I want it back. That's more than it's worth.

Me:

New Girl: Newman said I can drive his truck and he can just ride his motorcycle. But it hurt my feelings when they took my truck. It was full of my kids' stuff. Expensive stuff. Plus Newman's good speakers. They said they can't give the speakers back because they are connected to the car.

Me:

New Girl: I'm going to fight this in court though. I am.

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Normal Girl is Enthusiastic (and I Feel so Badly for her Upcoming Disillusionment)

Wendy: (brimming with enthusiasm) I think I am really going to love this job! I can't wait to meet New Girl and Queeg just seems so cool.

Me: (smiling)

Wendy: I know this will be better than Starbucks!

Me: Ya

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Well This is Awkward

Setting up the computer for the new new girl (I'm just going to call her Wendy) I logged onto Black Pants' old computer. I was surprised to get a message from the antivirus program that warned me of a pornbot trojan that had infected it.  So, either Black Pants or Mini Queeg were checking out porn. It's a no-win situation for me, so I'm not mentioning it to Queeg.

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Farcical Inc., is Back up to Four People He's hired someone new and she seems absolutely normal. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

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And the Gender of New Baby is...

New Girl: (Over the phone) I had an ultrasound and I know what I'm having! It's a girl!

Me: Oh, that's great! Congratulations!

New Girl: But she has something called Triple X. Well they think she does. They did a test. The only way to know for sure is through amniocentesis and I said no.

Me: Triple X?

New Girl: She has an extra X chromosome and it could mean she needs help in school and has long legs and a small head.

Me: (Making a ginormous mistake) Triple X? Is that trisomy? Because my friend was told her baby had trisomy but he was fine.

New Girl: She said Triple X.

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New Girl's Weirdest Story Yet?

New Girl: My best friend in Florida called me to say she was in the hospital, she lost her baby.

Me: Oh, that's terrible.

New Girl: She was 8 months pregnant. She went to get into the bathtub and there was a razor in the tub and she stepped on it, cut her foot, slipped and fell hitting her belly on the tub killing the baby.

Me:

New Girl: The good thing though is she has another baby. Her uterus didn't close so she has a 7 week old baby in there too.

Me:

New Girl: The bad thing is her man is blaming her for the loss of the 8 month baby and said he doesn't want the 7 week old one if he can't have the other one.

Me:

New Girl: Men!

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Random New Girl Musings

Queeg is out of town (yay!) so New Girl is free to talk and talk and talk...

On Queeg: That man could use some deodorant. One time we were packing and he was like to knock me out. His pretty clothes don't hide the stink.

On Queeg locking his office door: What a fag! Okay I shouldn't say that. I don't mean that anti-gay. But he could be gay. What grown-ass man listens to Mama Mia? (She has a point there, I've wondered that myself.)

On Newman: His coach told him to stop getting other women's numbers and to treat me like the queen I am. He told him that other men still want to get with me because I'm fine and since I'm already pregnant I can't be having their baby plus I'm not going to go home with them!

I want her mirror.