Single Parent Families Magazine

I am a single mom who loves being a mom and is committed to single parent families.

[julie-serrano]

New Post has been published on Life of Real Abundance

New Post has been published on http://lifeofrealabundance.com/life-of-abundance/make-2017-the-best-year-ever/

How to Make 2017 the Best Year Ever

At the start of 2017, I thought it would be a great idea to explore ways of motivating ourselves to make 2017 the best year ever.

  While many people make New Year’s resolutions, more than 90% of people failed to follow through on their resolutions. To follow through and become what you want to become in this year, and to make 2017 the best year ever, it is important that you don’t just make resolutions and forget about them, but rather find a way to make them happen.

So how can you make 2017 the best year ever? Here are seven ideas on how you can transform your life and your business in the coming year:

  IMAGINATION can make 2017 the best year ever.

Many studies have shown that the brain remembers visual imagery more effectively than the written word, so using your imagination especially in pictures is a fantastic way to build long-lasting motivation into your life for the next year.

  Surrounding yourself with motivational quotes and pictures can play a role in this, and this is especially effective in areas where you are sitting, thinking and even wasting time. Try plastering the back of your toilet door with motivational quotes and inspirational pictures. Do the same on your bedroom wall, with the first thing you see when you open your eyes of a morning is things that challenge and motivate you for the day ahead.

  BEFORE AND AFTER SHOTS

We live in a world where the “selfie” appears everywhere, this doesn’t mean that it cannot serve you in your motivation. True, this may be the most self photographed generation in history, but taking a photo of yourself today with a view to better photo later in the year having accomplish your goals can provide tremendous motivation.

  So despite the overuse of self photography in our society, take a photo of yourself as the “before” shot then look forward to and work towards a fantastic looking “after” shot later in the year.

  NOTES TO SELF

Writing notes to yourself may not be a new concept, but with things like clipboards on your computer and posted notes you can take this to a new level! Consider sticking notes all over your home reminding you of your mission and your goals, or reminding you of successes that you have had in the past.

This second section is important, because we often forget our successes and concentrate on the difficult circumstances we currently face. You should remember your achievements and the blessings that have come your way and be thankful for all of them.

  A gratitude attitude can form the basis of tremendous motivation as you move into the New Year, and leaving notes all over your home is a brilliant way of constantly reminding you of the blessings and the goals you have in life.

  DEVELOP THE LIST

You may not look upon yourself as being someone who is in development, but all successful people continue to develop the skills, traits and behaviours to help them continue to grow.

  Making a list of your development goals can force your brain into the habit of searching for the positive, even when everything looks negative.

  So make a list about yourself citing three new qualities, behaviours or skills that you like every day. Make sure you don’t repeat anything that is already written on the list, but concentrate on the things you like about yourself, and the things you would like to develop in yourself over the next year. Post these all over the house.

  MOTIVATIONAL LIST

In a similar way, instead of writing about yourself right down places, people, experiences and emotions that you have experienced during the day, concentrating on the positive and looking at negatives as challenges rather than defeats. Once again, post these all over the house to keep your mind and your heart set on positive things and blessings in your life.

  FIND A MENTOR

Finding a mentor can be a key step on the road to success. Mentors or coaches can guide you as you attempt to discover your hidden potential, and they often see things in our lives that we cannot see ourselves.

  You don’t necessarily have to pay a lot of money to be mentored effectively. Often a successful friend, your pastor or teacher may be just the right person to speak into your life as you approach the New Year.

  BE ACCOUNTABLE

One of the most important steps towards success in 2017 is to be accountable. Your mentor or coach can be someone you are accountable to, but a close friend, spouse, partner or even a group can provide tangible accountability as you face the New Year.

  The effectiveness of this method is probably due to the fact that we make promises to ourselves and break them regularly, but a much less likely to break promises we make to friends or associates.

  If you do not open up and share your hopes, dreams and desires for 2017 with someone to whom you can be accountable, then your efforts are likely to fizzle into failure.

  Change is an inevitable and constant force in our lives, but progress is not. To make 2017 the best year ever, make sure that the changes are positive and that they result in actionable steps as you move through the year. If you use these methods to maintain your motivation, you may find that not only can you make 2017 the best year ever, but it could also be the Launchpad for greater things to come in your life!

[julie-serrano]

New Post has been published on Life of Real Abundance

New Post has been published on http://lifeofrealabundance.com/life-of-abundance/make-a-life-by-what-you-give/

Make a Life by What You Give

Winston Churchill once said, “you make a living by what you get, but you make a life by what you give”. 

Giving is one of the most important parts of character development, especially for entrepreneurs. So often in the world of marketing we talk about what we can gain, how big our profits are and how rich we think we should be.

But this is simply making a living, it is not how you make a life by what you give!

One of the great paradoxes of mankind is that generous people continue to attract money and become wealthy themselves, thereby making themselves more able to be generous.

To make a life that is worthwhile you need to have a generous spirit. The Bible puts it this way…

Proverbs 11:24 One person gives freely, yet gains even more; another withholds unduly, but comes to poverty.

How can you make a life by what you give?

Logic would dictate that if you give lots of money away, you will somehow deplete your own stores of money and come to poverty. That’s a human way of looking at things, but it doesn’t seem to be the way life actually works!

In everything that I do I try and maintain a generous spirit towards others. Whether it is offering a discount to someone who is in need, paying for a meal or buying something special for someone, I believe you should always try and make a life by what you give.

Giving flies in the face of the material is agreed that we see in our society. It not only blesses the other person, and makes you feel better, but there is something mystical about the fact that generous people are from themselves blessed with wealth.

You make a life by what you give, but what can you give?

We need also to remember that there are many things we can give apart from or in addition to money. We can give goods, meals and comfort where it is needed.

Probably the most important area where giving makes a difference is in time. If you can give of your time this is often more valuable than giving money or food, and if we love someone we must invest time into them. When it comes to time, you make a life by what you give, byut the amount you give and to whom you choose to give your time.

Giving is what separates truly great people from just wealthy people. Giving is what makes life worthwhile, and if you have not experienced the joy of giving to someone in need, then you haven’t really begun to live a life that is worthwhile!

In a world where people are crying out for more, where people are selfish and self-centred to the point of narcissism, having a generous spirit flies in the face of what society teaches.

And according to the Bible, generous people seem to attract large amounts of money, often from a variety of sources. So whether it is money, time or goods, remember that giving is the essence of being a great human being.

Why? Because “you make a living by what you get, but you make a life by what you give!”

[julie-serrano]

New Post has been published on Life of Real Abundance

New Post has been published on http://lifeofrealabundance.com/financial-life/doing-one-task-at-a-time/

Discover How Doing One Task at a Time Wins the Day

One of the many challenges facing Internet marketers is time management, and doing one task at a time  and doing it well.

By its very nature, those who are involved in marketing on the Internet tend to be flighty, and to suffer from the shiny objects syndrome… Where they are constantly distracted by new techniques and ideas, at the expense of investing sufficient time in things they know work!

The problem is, most people are not able to multitask to the point where they can do many tasks well. Some people can do many tasks, but some of them tend to be poorly done or rushed through, rather than doing a single task at a time and doing it exceptionally well. Yet increasingly, the quality of the content that we produce is being compared to others who are experts in their field, so producing low quality content is actually counter-productive even if you produce a lot of it.  You are better doing one task at a time than many tasks badly!

The answer to this time management question is to choose one thing and make sure you are doing that one task at a time really well. That is not to say that you cannot have many projects on the go, but choosing one thing and concentrating on that is key to an ongoing strategy of excellence in your online business.

I have always been someone who’s done many things fairly well, and also someone who is innately curious about new techniques, ideas and software. Thus I can start a project than do it to the best of my abilities, only to find myself Lord away and distracted by some new piece of software often unrelated to the tasks that I’m actually doing online. I found myself confused and frustrated when I look back on my productivity and realise that rather than seeing something through to excellence, I have settled for half baked, or even unfinished productions.

Doing One Task at a Time is Essential for Excellence

As a person who takes on many tasks and probably over works and over taxes himself, I have found that slowing down and concentrating on doing one thing well has been a key ingredient in allowing me to produce quality work.

But how do you achieve this in a world where so many distractions are thrown at you constantly, especially on the Internet?

Let me ask you… Do you find yourself sitting down to write a blog post or produce content, only to find yourself reading Facebook posts or reading emails of the latest software available? If this sounds a little bit like you, be encouraged because there is a way out.

Studies show that over the last decade or so the attention span of people on the Internet has been drastically reduced. Most people would recognise this phenomenon in their own life, because when we find a site we are not interested in, or one that looks average, we tend to click away from that within two seconds. We have become a generation that skims rather than reads content, and in our defence we are really good at skimming content. This enables us to get an idea of what is written without actually taking the time to read it.

However, this behaviour also makes this flighty and inattentive when it comes to pursuing our own goals and the tasks that we face in online business. This phenomenon cannot be underestimated, because most of us don’t even know we are doing it. We just get to the end of the day look back and ask, “What have I achieved today?”

While discipline might be a dirty word for some people today, excellence is always going to be a great word! To achieve excellence, we need to be diligent and disciplined when it comes to producing quality content.

Here are a few suggestions as to how you can produce quality content without getting distracted…

1. Prioritise

Before you start into your day’s work, write a list of the tasks you hope to achieve in your day. The next to each task write a number that represents how important the task is for you to achieve in the time you have allotted. None of the most important task number one, second most important number two, and so on.

2. The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Have a close look at each of these tasks and decide which of them you like, which of them you hate and which of them you don’t really like but can tolerate. Write a second number next to each task, with one for the task that you despise, 2 for one you can tolerate, three for the ones you like, etc. Remember, you are going to be doing one task at a time, so you will need to focus on the activity sometime, whether you like it or not!

3. Decide how much time you have available in any given portion of the day.

For example, you may have three hours available in the morning and only one in the afternoon, so you need to fill up those four hours as productively as possible.

4. Add the Numbers and Choose the Lowest

Now have a look at the numbers you have written next to the tasks. Whichever number is lowest is the one that you should attempt first and give the most time to, when you are at your best. So if you are freshest in the morning, your first task should be the one with the lowest number written next to it.

5. Decide to Put Blinkers On

Have you ever seen old Western movies with horses drawing buggies, and they are wearing blinkers? Blinkers are small strips of leather that cover the side of the horses I so that they can only see in a forward direction. That is a great analogy to you as you set about the important tasks of your day… Put your blinkers on, and do one task at a time!

By putting your blinkers on I am referring to doing one task well, and not allowing yourself to be distracted by the many things that are thrown at you while you’re on your computer.

The reason you start with the lowest number, is that you need to not only do the most important tasks, but you also need to prioritise in doing the tasks that you do not like first. It’s not that you have become a masochist or are keen on inflicting pain on yourself, it’s because if you do the things you like you make it engrossed in those and never get around to doing the things you don’t like!

By choosing the things you do not like to do, you tend to press into those and make them happen early in the day. That means that later in the day, when most people are getting more tired, you are able to do the tasks that you enjoy, and not only are you doing one task well you don’t like, but you can follow it up with doing one task well that you love to do… it’s a win, win situation.

By applying this simple formula many people are found that they have been able to change the way they behave when it comes to work, especially in the Internet marketing space. It is far preferable to find yourself doing one task at a time well rather than many tasks badly, and this simple formula is an ideal way of making this happen.

So my challenge to you today is this… Set yourself up to do successive lots of “one task at a time” activities.

Try writing out a list of tasks you need to achieve in any given day, rank each for importance with number one being the most important, rank each for how much you enjoy them with the highest number being maximum enjoyment in the lowest being no enjoyment, then add the numbers up. See if this method works for you, because if it does you can greatly increase your productivity in the same amount of hours, and at the end of the day that can mean money in your pocket.

You are better doing one task at a time well than many tasks badly!

[julie-serrano]

New Post has been published on Life of Real Abundance

New Post has been published on http://lifeofrealabundance.com/financial-life/how-to-plan-your-day-effectively/

How to Plan Your Day Effectively

Learning how to plan your day effectively as a key element in business, but I have to admit that is one area that I struggled with myself.

I am a creative person, and even thinking about how to plan your day effectively seems to saps the creative energy I would normally have. There must be a way to discover how to plan your day so it would be productive without destroying the creativity that freethinking, free-flowing people like myself thrive on.

Start Learning How to Plan Your Day Effectively

There are several key things that I’ve learned as a disorganised person which have enabled me to become more and more productive in my business…

1. Start the Night Before

If you are struggling to find out how to plan your day, one of the best things you can do is to start the night before.

Before you go to sleep, it is helpful to write down a list of goals for the following day, because if you are anything like me you are more aware late in the day as opposed to when you first get up.

2. Choose One Major Thing

Choosing one major thing is an important step towards planning a productive day.

To do lists can certainly be helpful, but the problem with most lists is that they do not prioritise the things that are important in your day. So I find that I have a list that might have “pick up milk”directly above “redesign a new squeeze page.”

Clearly both tasks are not equally as important, but in your average to do list there is no differentiation between the really important things in the less important things.

Therefore, I recommend choosing one major task that you want to achieve in any given day. It gets back to the old principle putting the big rocks in first smaller rocks in next and the pebbles in last.

When I choose one major thing to achieve during a day, I am able to concentrate on ladder make sure that that gets done. If I budget two hours to do this task, and find that I knock it over in 15 minutes, then I am way in front!

3. Choose 2 Minor Things

The next step you can take in discovering how to plan your day effectively is to choose 2 Minor things. These are tasks that you can turn to after you have successfully completed your major thing.

So choosing minor tasks cannot only be a backup to when you’ve completed your major task, but it can also give you added scope and effectiveness as you strive to learn how to plan your day effectively.

Most often I keep all these tasks related in some way, and I have many appointments so I find yourself fitting these tasks in around my current appointments. If they are interrelated, sometimes you find that you’ve completed all three tasks effectively and quickly, and it gives you a tremendous sense of achievement and accomplishment for your day.

4. Have a Gratitude Attitude

The final piece of the puzzle is to be able to look back at your day with an attitude of gratitude. If you have achieved at least the major task that you have set for the day, then you need to be able to rejoice in your success and be encouraged by it as you planned towards the following day.

So often we fail to be thankful for that many blessings we have in our lives, instead concentrating on things that we do not have. This is a major mistake! We need to be grateful and thankful for people around us, the businesses we have, the money that comes in and the quality of life that we enjoy.

Start Now Learning How to Plan Your Day Effectively

So if you are determined to learn how to plan your day effectively, try applying these for simple principles, because I have found that that made a major difference in my life.

I am no longer afraid of facing a new day, and I’m no longer afraid of the chaos that my life formally experienced! With a few simple steps, you can learn how to plan your day effectively just as I have, and the results will be tangible and easily seen in your business.

[julie-serrano]

New Post has been published on Love Cute Kids!

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Thank God for Grandparents

If you are a parent, and you have parents, you should stop and Thank God for Grandparents.  They can be a help, a support, advice and sometimes a pain, but we love them!  So this article is devoted to the wonderful people we love… grandparents!

Image Source: Thinkstock

I bit into a piece of dark chocolate as I sat in my favorite living room chair. I poured a small cup of coffee and exhaled loudly, forcing myself to take an afternoon breather while my toddler napped.

I was in the thick of packing for a trip back home to see our families for the holidays. We would be traveling over 700 miles in the car with a toddler and a second-grader.

I closed my eyes in my now-silent house and took several deep breaths, imagining calm and zen. Things were especially crazy with activities preceding the school break and I was looking forward to a few possible rare evenings alone when we got to our destination. Thank God for grandparents, I thought.

Our little family of four hit the road the next day, and we chose a different route than usual. As I celebrate more birthdays past 40, I find myself yearning more for the simple. We chose a route of mostly two-lane side roads, similar to what my my husband and I grew up with, and it was fabulous.

It was easy, with very little traffic or the hustle and bustle of big cities. Every town we came to felt like Radiator Springs from the movie Cars, and we even enjoyed several courtesy steering-wheel waves in rural areas.

It’s nice to get away to the quiet, which is exactly what we were headed for on our first destination. My in-laws live in a sleepy little town with a population of less than 300, and I love going there. Thank God for grandparents, I thought.

We were greeted warmly, and we enjoyed a nice big family gathering. My kids got to enjoy time getting reacquainted with cousins. There were light saber fights, intricate puzzles, and LEGO builds. We had a nice meal and opened presents and shared lots of laughs well past everyone’s bedtime.

Day two was filled with watching the kids play with their new toys and eating leftover pie. After a long road trip and a lot of visiting, this introvert felt a need to retreat, so during the lull of the day, I prepared to take the longest, hottest shower known to man. My husband was off running errands. Thank God for grandparents, I thought.

I felt grateful for the hot water pouring down onto my closed eyes and face, the only sounds I could hear were the sounds of the water moving through the pipes, and the thick swooshes of water hitting the shower floor as I rinsed my hair.

I stood there for several minutes, just thinking about the memories we already made. How good it was to see family, the laughter as my sister-in-law opened her duck call gag-gift, and how she proceeded to use it immediately.

How beautiful it is to see the kids following their grandparents around and talking to them, using the words “grandpa” and “grandma” in person, as opposed to Skype, speakerphone, or Facetime. I am grateful for the technology we have to keep in touch, and it’s fun to listen to grandma and grandpa figure out if the webcam is on or not, but all of the new-fangled gadgets in the world could never replace warm hugs and grandma or grandpa’s lap.

It was heartwarming to see the kids running around excited to see other adults, bargaining for various permissions and frosted Pop-Tarts. They have snuggled and watched movies and read books and eaten lots of cookies. And grandma came to a scared toddler’s rescue when he woke up in the middle of the night in unfamiliar surroundings.

I heard my kids squeal with laughter as they were being chased around and battling light sabers with grandpa.

Grandpa absorbed every single detail about Minecraft with grace and dignity and the patience of a mule, and it was proven that his comforting hugs were just as good as mom’s when someone tripped and fell, or ran into the end of the kitchen table.

The water splashing down onto my face started to turn cold, so I shut it off. As I stepped out of the shower, the steam rolled out, and the sounds of life rolled back in. Through the bathroom door, I could hear the usual “stop it,” “no, you stop it,” “it’s mine” sibling sequence of events along with the winning bells of the Price is Right in the living room.

A grandparent’s patience is often steadfast and unwavering — even on the third day when the shock of our visit has worn off and the curtains come down on best behaviors. A general consensus on the toy-sharing situation was reached by mature negotiators, and life went on.

We enjoyed another relaxing evening with full bellies and the further exploration of new toys. We knew it was our last evening together for a long time, so we attempted a picture on the couch before bedtime. We came away with candids, which was as good as it was going to get.

And on our third night away from home, I laid down with my toddler to get him to sleep. His eyes were getting very heavy, but as he fought to stay awake in those last few minutes, he gave me three of the biggest, twinkly-eyed smiles I’ve ever seen. And he smiled in his sleep.

I felt the same way about our visit. I enjoyed several early morning chats with my mother-in-law over coffee, next to the familiar sound of the pilot light on the gas stove in their quiet house. It was warm and cozy. And simple.

We hit the road again the next day, but we were not only sent on our way with full bellies and a car full of new things, we were also sent away with a fresh batch of hugs, kisses, and full hearts.

Yes. There isn’t a single, solitary doubt about it. Thank God for grandparents.

The post Thank God for Grandparents appeared first on Babble.

[julie-serrano]

New Post has been published on Life of Real Abundance

New Post has been published on http://lifeofrealabundance.com/make-extra-money-at-home/making-money-making-friends/

Making Money, Making Friends

Some people find that when making money, making friends never seems to accompany it, but this is not my experience!

It has long been thought that you need to drive your friends away to be successful in business, especially in an MLM business, but these days that is simply not true.

In online business, you get the opportunity to interact with other people who share your same business values and direction. Therefore, when it comes to online business, you can actually be making friends who are like-minded while you are making money.

And the truth is you do not have to chase your friends away in order to make money online! There are many Internet businesses that your best friends may not even know about, let alone be driven away by!

That’s the beauty of doing business online… You have the whole world to draw upon rather than your immediate circle family and friends, so you can enter into an online business and start to make money without your friends even knowing about it.

Money comes and goes, friendships last a lifetime

The fact is, in this world money comes and goes. You make a load of of money one day and loose it the next. People who pursue making money at the expense of other more important parts of their life may finish rich but they will be totally miserable! The fact is, very often these are not the people who actually finish rich at all.

The relationships that you form with people are the things that last a lifetime.

Generally friendships formed around some sort of common ground, like a club, a hobby or a church. It is equally as conceivable to form a friendship around the business of making money on the Internet and the friends make in this area could be situated anywhere in the world.

That’s the exciting thing about the online communities you can join… You can have friends all around the world, and sometimes even travel to meet them in person or have them come out to meet you in your country.

Plus you have the opportunity to talk about the successes and share the difficulties with people who know and understand what you are talking about.When a sale falls through oral bill is due, your friends in the business realm understand exactly what you are talking about. When you are not producing enough traffic, your online business friends can give you timely advice and you can tap into their years of experience to help you solve the many problems you will face as a business owner.

When making money, making friends should be a part of the equation, because the friends you make are ultimately can be more valuable than money which comes and goes.

So if you are interested in an online business that can link you with fabulous online friends, who will love and support you through the many aspects of doing business on the Internet, then click here and start to change your life, and your circle of friends, for ever.

Because when making money, making friends is equally as important.

[julie-serrano]

New Post has been published on Life of Real Abundance

New Post has been published on http://lifeofrealabundance.com/physical-life/keeping-a-positive-mindset/

Keeping a Positive Mindset

Our minds of strange and wonderful things, and while we know we should keep a positive mindset, this is often one of the most difficult things to do!

So what does it mean to have a positive mindset, and how can we maintain this in the day today ups and downs of modern, 21st century living?

What is a Positive Mindset?

Most of us understand the concept of being positive, but there is some mystery surrounding what a mindset is.

However, if you break it down to its simplest form your mindset is where you have decided to set your mind. It considered on the positive, you considered on the negative you can set it on things that don’t matter or you can set your mind on things of great importance.

The Bible instructs us to, “Set our minds on things above, not on earthly things.” Colossians 3:2. So long before life coaches began talking about positive mindsets, ancient wisdom was instructing us to set our mind on the things above, the things of God, the things of eternity and the things that will keep us positive in the face of a negative world.

So how do you maintain a positive mindset?

Here are for things you can do to maintain a positive mindset, no matter how difficult your life may become…

1. Seek Out Positive Friends

We go like the company we keep, (1 Corinthians 15:33), so it is important to surround yourself with people who will encourage you and build you up, rather than those who will tear you down.

The difficulty in business, especially online business, is that those who tear you down are most often the ones you are closest to! I am not suggesting that you dispense with these people, especially if you are married to them, but you may want to seek out positive friends with whom you can discuss business matters, rather than people who think you’re slightly crazy to even be considering an online business!

2. Create the Right Environment

You can also choose the type of world in which you live. I would urge you to create the right environment for a positive mindset in your life, and you can do this by structuring your world so brings positivity.

One of the difficulties of an online business is that you do not have your own office, and therefore it is often hard to be inspired to do well. The solution is to find a quiet corner of your house and make this into your office.

I would also surround myself with positive and inspirational pictures, photos and quotations, so that everywhere you look something is reinforcing your positive mindset.

3. Fill Your Mind with the Positive

There is so much negativity in the world, and it is easy to fall victim to negativity… Especially when you keep putting negative influences into your mind. How can you maintain a positive mindset when all you feed your mind is negativity?

So, perhaps it is time to have a good look at the TV shows, movies, songs and books we are filling our minds with. Maybe it’s time to stop and look at the type of websites you are visiting.

Maybe it is time to stop watching the news, with all its negative influences, and start listening to things that are far more positive.

Positive podcasts are available for you to download for free, and these can contribute to your positive mindset. I would rather listen to these as I drive than music or the radio, because they are building into my life rather than taking away from it.

Personally, one of my greatest sources of inspiration is the Bible. This may not be for you, but it is certainly for me, and it keeps my mindset positive in the face of sometimes overwhelming negativity that I might face in my life.

4. Fill Your Mind Daily with the Positive

Having the odd positive thought is no way to maintain a positive mindset. Setting time aside each day to build encouraging and inspirational thought into your mind is an important part of maintaining a positive mindset.

This is why I have read the Bible daily, and listen to an inspiring and encouraging podcast least once a day as well. I find this not only improves my outlook on life, but it colors the way I see the situations with which I am faced.

Maintaining a positive mindset is one of the great keys to becoming successful in business, in your family and also in life.

Do it often, do it daily and try this for at least a month, and I believe you will find as I that it is far easier to maintain a positive mindset when you surround yourself and feel your mind with the things that inspire and encourage.

[julie-serrano]

New Post has been published on Love Cute Kids!

New Post has been published on http://www.lovecutekids.com/mine-mine-miiiine-teaching-young-kids-how-to-share/

“Mine, Mine, MIIIINE!!!” Teaching Young Kids How to Share

by Rebecca Wolfenden

“Mine, mine, MINE, MINE, MIIIIIIINNNNNE!!!!!  NOOOOO, MIIIIIINNNNNE!!!!!”

Does this sound familiar to anyone?  If so, then you are right where I am in my parenting journey-teaching my young child the concepts of sharing and taking turns.

I have to be honest — it can be very frustrating at times, and it would be a whole lot easier to just throw up my hands and say, “OK, buddy — you can have it,” or “Go ahead, you can take Momma’s turn.”  I find it’s helpful to keep my end goal in mind. That is, I am not raising a child; I am raising an adult who can function in the real world.  In the real world, we all have to wait for our turn and share with others from time to time; otherwise, we will experience some unpleasant natural social consequences if we cut in line or attempt to keep everything for ourselves!

Here are some simple guidelines to use when teaching this important life lesson.

State your expectation: It’s helpful to talk with your child during a calm time about what you expect from them.  You may need to have this conversation multiple times — and you may even feel as though you are a broken record!  This is normal.  Children learn best with lots of repetition and rehearsal, so you may talk about sharing toys when you are at home, in the car, and right before you get to a play date, for example.

Use simple, clear sentences: Remember to use simple, clear language in a neutral tone. Let your child know what you will do to hold him or her accountable if they don’t comply.  For example, you could practice sharing when you are at home, and then give a reminder such as, “Remember, you need to share your crayons with Katie just like we practiced.  If you don’t, then you will need to sit on the steps until you are ready to share,” right before starting a play date.

Narrate — and Use positive reinforcement: If it’s a situation where you unexpectedly find yourself needing to wait or share, I find it’s helpful for me to talk with my son about what’s going on, and use positive reinforcement if he is able to be patient.  For example, I might say something like: “We need to wait for that lady to pay for her groceries, and then it will be our turn.”  It can also be helpful to continue to “coach” your child while you are waiting with phrases such as, “It’s almost our turn” or “I like how you are being so patient.”  When he does well with this, I usually say something like, “I like how you were able to wait so quietly — I’m so proud of you, buddy!” with a smile and a high-five.  For some kids, it can also be helpful to give something more tangible as a reward, such as a sticker or getting some other small treasure.

It’s OK not to share everything:  I recently went to a play date with my son, and he was playing cars with another child.  All of a sudden, the other child started becoming very upset because my son was playing with the toy school bus.  I was confused by this, until the other mom explained that the school bus was her son’s favorite car, and apologized for not taking it out of the bin before our arrival.  From an adult perspective, this may not make a lot of sense — after all, it’s just a simple toy and what’s the difference between a school bus and a dump truck?  Think about it this way, though: how would you feel if someone came into your house and helped themselves to your favorite sweater or your grandfather’s watch?  Chances are, you would not be so open to sharing those items because they have added emotional value!  Part of setting up a child for success is recognizing that there are special items that s/he does not have to share.  Before going to play or having someone come over, it can be helpful to take a moment to put a few select things away that your child does not have to share, and to set out what is OK to play with.

Be realistic:  Sharing isn’t easy and patience does not come naturally to most people, especially young children accustomed to an instant gratification world.  It’s important to keep in mind that you need to “start where your child is, and coach them forward.”  If your child is having difficulty taking turns and has a meltdown whenever he has to share his toys, try closely supervised play dates with just one other child at first instead of a whole group.  Another idea is to try to set your child up for success as much as possible.  This may require some flexibility and creativity on your part, or waiting to do a play date at another time if your child is hungry or tired.

Although this is a difficult phase to get through right now, (and believe me, I know how hard it can be!) I keep trying to move forward as I teach these concepts to my son.  Through modeling  calm and trying to be consistent as much as possible, I am hopeful that my efforts will pay off with an empathic and patient human being in the future.

[julie-serrano]

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5 Surprising Ways You’re Showing Your Kids You Love Them (Even If They Don’t Get It Yet)

by Elisabeth Wilkins

There are the warm fuzzy moments of parenting that we all live for, but they can be few and far between – the sweet, unexpected hug; the handmade artwork you find on the kitchen table, the great conversation you have with your teen about life while driving to the grocery store. These moments are like gifts; they make you feel like it’s all worth it – and that maybe, just maybe, you’re getting it right sometimes. But there are also those other moments. You know the ones:

“Why can’t I get on Facebook? Nathan and Jake already have accounts. Their parents are nice!”

“You’re the meanest mom in the world!”

“I don’t want to go to Grandma’s. I don’t care if everyone else is going!”

Pretty much the opposite of ”warm and fuzzy.” I don’t know about you, but dealing with that kind of behavior from my kid often makes me feel defeated and exhausted.

I’m starting to realize that most of the time, though, we really don’t give ourselves enough credit as parents. Those warm fuzzy moments are great — we feel so full of love and goodwill –  but the other, harder times are just as important. You know what I mean – the times when you say, “No, you can’t go to the party,” or “Homework first, then video games,” or “It’s not okay to talk to me like that.” Those interactions also show our kids we love them…they just don’t feel as good.

This Valentine’s Day, I started thinking about all the ways we show our kids we love them, even though they don’t quite get it yet. Here are my top five:

 1. Backing off and not doing too much for them: Letting your child do things for himself and figure things out on his own, even if it means paying some natural consequences, is a way we show love and respect. (It goes without saying that this only applies to situations that aren’t health or safety issues.) ”Staying out of my child’s box,” as Debbie Pincus advises, is very hard to do (especially when I see my son making a mistake!), but I’m working on it.

2. Setting limits and giving consequences: Yup – saying “no” to your child can sometimes be the most loving thing you do as a parent. It’s a way of saying, “You matter too much to me to let you do this.” While we can’t control the choices our child makes, we can influence her by setting some limits around behavior. One of my favorite questions that James and Janet Lehman say we should ask is, “What does my child need from me right now?” Sometimes it’s a hug, and sometimes it’s a consequence for  inappropriate behavior.

3. Listening: Sometimes the very best thing you can do for your child is listen to him. The other night, my son was trying to tell me how hard school was. He said it was “way harder than working or being a grown-up.” I kept negating him, and explaining why work was actually much harder. Then I realized I wasn’t really listening — I was so intent on winning the argument. I stopped, took a deep breath and said, “Okay, I believe you. Tell me what it’s like.” All the tension drained from his face, we had a great conversation, and I saw things much more clearly through his eyes.

4. Not over-personalizing behavior. When your kid is screaming, “I hate you!” it’s hard not to personalize — but try not to. When they lie to you, it’s hard not to feel betrayed. But it’s not about you, trust me. It’s about your child’s level of maturity, and the fact that she’s trying to solve her problems in some inappropriate (and infuriating) ways. When I’m at the end of my rope, I try to remember to tell myself, “It’s the behavior you don’t like right now, not your kid.”

5. Accepting your child for who he or she is: Simply loving our kids isn’t really enough — it’s also important to accept them for who they are. My son is not as social as I am, and doesn’t always act in an outgoing way. For years, I tried to make him be more extroverted. (Boy, it sounds even crazier when I write it down. I just couldn’t understand why he was behaving as if he was shy, when I was certain he wasn’t…did I mention that stubbornness runs in my family?) So embrace your daughter who prefers hockey to dancing, and your son who loves acting even though you personally can’t stand being in the spotlight. Acceptance is saying, “I love who you are — even though you’re not like me, or not like who I thought you were going to be.” As the Lehmans say, “Love the child you have, not the child you wish you had.”

[julie-serrano]

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Changes in Fatherhood: 3 Important Things Dads Can Teach Their Kids

by Dale Sadler

Over the last several decades, men have taken on a stronger role in the home. Gone are the days of “good ‘ol dad” waiting on his newborn son with other men while they smoke cigars in the hospital waiting area. These days, dad is right there in the mix, changing diapers, feeding and playing with his  child as much as mom. In fact, on the cover of this month’s issue of Parents is celebrity dad Nick Lachey pictured with his son — a rare instance of a dad being featured on the cover of a parenting magazine. I’m excited about these changes and I know there are many other dads, stepdads, and grandfathers who feel the same.

Balance is so necessary for kids, and I believe that if parents focus on their talents and work to pass those on to their children, kids will benefit tremendously.

  Unfortunately, there are still many dads who fail to see the important role they play in the lives of their children. Here are three areas where we really need men to step up their game:

1. I believe a dad must teach his son to love and respect his mother. Whether it’s a marriage of 20 years or a divorce situation, studies show that boys learn how to treat their mothers and other women in their lives by what they observe from their fathers. (Books like That’s My Son and Strong Mothers, Strong Sons give good advice on how single-moms can raise a man of character, and they also suggest placing strong men in a boy’s life.)

Dr. Meg Meeker suggests that boys learn how to be men from watching other men, specifically their fathers. And how their father treats women, specifically the boy’s mother, teaches volumes and affects him in so many areas of his life, including at home with his sisters, at school with his female teachers, socially with his female friends and with his wife if he decides to marry.

2. Dads teach their daughters how men should behave toward women. Similarly, girls looks to their fathers for what a man should be. Ever wonder why girls gravitate to alcoholic boyfriends when their father was an alcoholic? Shouldn’t she look for something better, especially if her home life was dysfunctional? It’s inherent in humans to gravitate to what we know and understand, even when that something is not in our best interests. (According to The Power of Habitby Charles Duhigg, well-thought-out decisions are actually quite rare. We typically operate on habit, plodding through life doing what we’ve always done.)

A little girl’s father is her first and largest example of how a man should act. He might be one of the few males in her young life, because often her teachers and possibly her coaches are all female, too.  It’s by her father’s example that all future men will be judged. If she chooses brave, caring men to date, it will be in large part because she had a strong father who showed her how men should respect and treat women.

3. Dads teach their children about courage. I also believe a dad can teach his child about courage. When I was a child, my vivid imagination ran wild with thoughts of monsters lurking in the shadows at night. Small, ghastly beasts that lived inside my walls and only ventured out when the lights were turned off haunted my nightmares. Who did I yell for when I heard the little patter of claw-toed feet in my room? You guessed it–Dad. If there was something that he couldn’t defeat, it was certainly beyond my scope of consciousness!

Dads can teach their kids how to swing off a rope into a river, how to stand up for what they believe in, and that strength comes from within. All of these lessons will translate into an adult who believes in him- or herself. Dad is the voice that urges kids to go higher and says, “I know you can do it. Why don’t you get up and try again?”

Give me a team of dads and we can change diapers, go on high adventures and even have the occasional tea party—because that’s what dads are for.

[julie-serrano]

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Long Distance Parenting: How to Stay Connected When Your Child Lives Far Away

by Jacqueline McDowell

Let’s face it; it’s never easy being a parent. We constantly struggle, wondering if we’re doing the best we can for our kids. It’s so much pressure knowing that you only get a short window of time to prepare them to become responsible, healthy, and emotionally balanced adults. For some parents, there is an extra challenge of being geographically distant from their children. How can a parent really be a parent when they are living far away, and they can only see their kids on summer vacations and holidays?

It’s not the ideal situation, but it doesn’t mean that as parents we have no influence in the lives of our children. In fact, with some effort and planning, it’s possible to have a close relationship with your child even from many miles away.

Keep the lines of communication open with the other parent: One of the most important ways to ensure you have a strong connection to your kids is to do everything possible to keep the lines of communication open with the parent who has primary custody. This is not always easy, but it’s one of the best ways to keep abreast of what’s happening in your child’s life.  Find out from them when a good time is to contact your child during the week and on weekends. If your visitation schedule is not predetermined through a court order, give them plenty of notice when you’re planning a visit. Try to be accommodating and fair around transportation for your child when he/she comes to visit you. Remember, to that parent you have it easy. They’re shouldering most of the burden of getting your child to school on time, keeping up with homework, going to after school activities, and all the other mundane day-to-day stuff.

There is another reason you want to make every effort to have good communication with the custodial parent. They are aware of any struggles that your child may be having in school or at home. Just as you want your short time with them to be as perfect as possible, your child does, too. Your child may not be eager to share any news that could cause conflict. She may avoid telling you she is failing a subject in school, or being disrespectful or destructive at home.  Staying in contact with the custodial parent affords you a greater chance of getting a full picture of your child’s life when you can’t be there every day.

Now, on to the fun stuff…

Technology is your friend! Today more than ever, people are able to stay connected from a distance. In addition to telephones, there are many ways to reach out that are not that costly. If you have internet access in your home, it can be a great way to have regular contact with your child. There are so many ways to communicate: texting, email, instant messaging, and Skype, to name a few. One dad I know works very long hours at his office and travels frequently. Although he lives with his child, he realizes that his two-year-old son does not see him very much during the week. So, a few times a week, they Skype each other (with Mom’s help, of course!). Even at the young age of two, his toddler knows that’s his dad on the computer, and his face lights up when he sees him.

Send a care package: Let’s not forget the good old U.S. Mail, either. Children absolutely love to get mail! (They don’t get inundated with bills and junk mail like we do.) Consider sending small care packages every so often. They need not be expensive items. Small items like Legos, flavored lip gloss, action figures, and art supplies are easy to mail and inexpensive. Children of any age would love to get some homemade cookies or other treats. Of course, you can always send a note or a card, just to let them know that you’re thinking of them and that you love them.

A word of warning: Don’t expect that your child will automatically respond with the same frequency that you’re contacting him. It doesn’t mean that they don’t appreciate what you’re doing, or that they don’t care. They just don’t have the maturity yet to be that socially aware.

Make the most of your time — but don’t forget structure: When those special days finally arrive and you’re enjoying a visit together, make the most of that time. Don’t pressure them with questions or comments about the other parent. Keep the focus on your child and enjoy every precious moment as much as possible. That being said, don’t let structure go out the window. Kids need structure, so keep some order in the day. Keep a regular bedtime schedule and let them help out around the house. You can still make it enjoyable by working together as a family. For instance, get your child involved with you in some yard work, and then kick back after it’s done and order some take-out. Or, cook dinner together in the kitchen. Including your child in these tasks is a great way to teach them practical skills and improve their self esteem.

Make some new traditions and keep some favorite old ones: If your child is going to be with you for the holidays, talk to them about some things they’d like to do. They might be interested in going to a specific music event, going window shopping, or just watching a beloved movie together. Don’t forget to introduce some of your family’s traditions, too, like making your Grandma’s potato latkes together or hiding a Christmas pickle on the tree.

Record your memories: Don’t forget to take lots of pictures and even video if you can. Later on, you can send them a small album of your time together.

So, if you are a parent who is living far away from your child, don’t despair. If you communicate with them on a consistent basis and keep your own expectations realistic, you still have the ability to be an important and meaningful part of your child’s life.

[julie-serrano]

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“I Want It Now!” Does Your Child Always Want More?

by Elisabeth Wilkins

The weekend after Thanksgiving, I was driving my son and his friend home after spending the day taking them to play laser tag at a local adventure zone-type place as a special treat. While there, I’d sprung for pizza and milk shakes. I figured I was in the running for “Mom of the Year” with that little trip. Right? Wrong.

When we were about a mile from our house, my son proved again that the word “enough” is not in his vocabulary.

“Hey Mom, can you stop and get us an ice cream cone?”

“Wait. You want more ice cream?” I thought I’d heard wrong, but he and his friend nodded vigorously in the rear view mirror.

“What? Uh, no way! You just had milk shakes,” I said, my voice rising to the “Mom’s gonna lose it in a minute” half-screech level.  Even so, they didn’t give up without some serious campaigning and wheedling.

Later on that night, my son sighed and said (like one of the greedy, overly-entitled kids from Willy Wonka): “Today would have been perfect if you had just stopped and gotten us that ice cream.”

And, in the time-honored tradition of parents everywhere, I went ballistic.

“Are you kidding me? After everything I did for you guys today? Do you know how lucky I would have been lucky to go play laser tag when I was a kid?!”

He just shook his head and said, “I feel sorry for you, Mom.” (Argggghhh! Not the point I was trying to make!)

Needless to say, when my son acts this way, it pushes all my buttons from A through Z.

And I know I’m not alone. This not a new phenomenon, either, although kids today seem to have taken it to a whole ‘nother level. (Maybe it has to do with the fact that there’s just more stuff out there for them to have or do? Or that we’re not as good at saying “no” as our parents were?)

So how can we learn ways to stay calm, set limits and handle this behavior better — especially around this time of year?

I sat down with Becky Staples, the wise and wonderful manager of our Parental Support Advisor Team, and asked her that very question. In this brand new EP podcast, she tells parents three important thing they can do to handle entitlement in kids — and manage their own triggers. (Click here to download the podcast to your device.)

The big takeaways I’ve learned on this subject from Becky and from our other experts here at EP are:

De-escalate by Disconnecting: When your child is in your face demanding more, rather than engaging with him or her, walk away. If you’re in a store, what I’ve said is, “We’re not going to talk about this right now. I’ll talk to you later when we’re both calm.” (For more tips on how to handle tantrums, read Dr. Joan’s excellent article, Stopping a Temper Tantrum in its Tracks: What to Do When Kids Lose It.)

Calm is Contagious: Staying calm can be hard, I know, and sometimes feels next to impossible. (Just ask my son how I do with it!) But I’m finding it does get easier the more you practice, just like anything else. Deep breathing and walking away help me a lot. You can’t control what happens most (any!) of the time, but you can control how you respond. If you don’t react to everyone’s anxiety and chaos around you, but stay calm instead, you give yourself firm ground to stand on. As Debbie Pincus says, “Calm is Contagious.” (For more on how to respond to overly-entitled kids, read her latest article Demanding Children and Teens: Is Entitlement Just a Phase? )

You Can’t Always Get What You Want: This is one of the best lessons you can teach your child.Yes, we want our kids to have hopes and dreams, but that doesn’t mean that just because they want something they will automatically get it. It’s not a case of “I am, therefore I deserve everything I ask for,” even though kids tend to think that way sometimes. A good thing to teach your child is that in order to get some of the things they want, they need to work for it. So if there’s something your child wants that’s out of your budget, for example, you can tell them, “I will give you x amount of dollars for Christmas/your birthday towards this gift. You will have to come up with the rest of it by doing odd jobs, saving your allowance, etc.” This teaches your child about deferred gratification and the values of working hard and saving money.  Even though it doesn’t always feel good to do it, saying “no” (and setting limits around how you will respond to their demands) is one of the best things you can do for your child.

[julie-serrano]

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America’s Stressed Out Kids:

5 Calm Coping Skills You Can Teach Your Child

by Elisabeth Wilkins, EP Editor

“I’m way more stressed out than you,” said my 11-year-old to me recently. “Grown-ups have it way easier than kids.” I argued with him about it for a few minutes (I mean, come on. Bills? Jobs? Keeping all the plates spinning every day?) before a little voice inside said to be quiet and just listen. And a few days later, I realized that what he said actually lines up with a new study  released last week by the American Psychological Organization, which says that stress levels of American teens are at an all time high.

So what’s stressing our kids out?

  According to the survey, school and grades are the top culprits.  31 percent of teens said they felt overwhelmed in general, and 30 percent said they were anxious or sad. I think there are many reasons for this – a greater emphasis on test taking in schools, increased difficulty getting in to college, the advent of social media, and a less-than-robust economy. And here’s something else to think about: A few years ago, I was watching a documentary about the high stress levels people are reporting in England. A quote from that show really stuck with me: “In early human history, we ran from our predators, and when we escaped, our stress response went down. But nowadays, our thoughts are our predators — and they are with us 24/7.”

So what can we do as parents to teach our kids how to cope with their stress, which has a huge effect on their sleeping, eating and socializing patterns? Here are 5 coping skills you can teach your child, starting today.

1. Positive self-talk. Okay, I know this may sound corny to some of you, (it did to me, at first) but trust me, it’s so important. Kids often repeat negative thoughts in their heads like, “No one likes me; I’m fat and ugly; I’m going to fail this test because I’m stupid.” Positive Self-talk is the ability to replace them with positives like, “I can handle it. I passed before, I can pass again. I have some good friends who care about me.” (Or whatever is true for your child.) Here’s the tough part: What your child hears you saying to yourself, he or she will often internalize. I have a bad habit of saying, “Ugh, I’m so stupid!” when I lose my keys or make a dumb mistake. Guess who started saying that recently? Yup, my kid. (And guess who I heard it from? Yup, my own mom.)  Now I’m trying to actually listen to the things I say aloud (as well as the things I repeat in my head) and replace them with something positive. So when my son is upset about something and gets into that black-and-white thinking of “It will never work. I stink!” I say, “Hey, it’ll be okay. Your gift card from Nana will turn up,” or “You did well in band last semester. You figured out what you needed to do really well. Just keep practicing, and you’ll do fine.” (And I try to remember to say similar things to myself!)

 2. Break it down. If your child is stressed and overwhelmed by a big project, help them break it down into small steps. Giving them “hurdle help” to get them started can also be really effective. Ask them questions to help them come up with the first line for an essay, for example. For bigger projects,  here’s a tip an old boss of mine taught me:  Open up a new document on your desktop with the title of the project, and save it. That way, the next day, you’ll feel like you already started and it’s not so daunting. Similarly, have your child write their name at the top of a big assignment, or have them come up with a title. These baby steps can help your child get over his or her fear of starting a huge task.

3. Anxious, “worrier” kids. Our son is a bit of a perfectionist and really gets down on himself when he doesn’t do well. At these moments, I so wish he had more of that laid back gene that some of our relaxed family members were blessed with! What this A-type trait does, actually, is prevent him from trying things sometimes, because he’s so worried he’ll fail. One thing we’ve started saying to (and in front of) our child is, “Nobody’s perfect. Everybody makes mistakes. It’s okay — it’s all part of life. It’s what you do next that counts.” Admitting when you’ve made a mistake and apologizing in front of your child is huge, too. And, instead of praising our child for the end result, we’ve started to focus on how hard he worked, and how creatively he solved the problem.

4. Lighten the load. If your child is overwhelmed with school and extracurriculars, sit down with them and say, “You seem a little stressed lately. How can I be helpful? Let’s talk about something we can change or cut out.” Think about it this way: In a few years, will he or she care that they  didn’t play three sports or volunteer to decorate the gym for every dance? Listen to your child and find out what they really love doing — the things that fill them up, rather than drain them of energy — and then think about cutting out some of the extraneous stuff. Role model this in your own life, too. Are you taking care of others but not yourself? Do you volunteer too much, or get sucked in by work 24/7? Try to create some boundaries and space in your  life, too, if you can. (I know — easier said than done! This is one I’m working on myself!)

5. Help your child find a way to calm: Help your child find something specific to them that has the power to calm them down, whether it’s listening to music, going skateboarding, reading, walking the dog, drawing, talking to a trusted friend, or shooting some hoops. (Preferably, something that’s screen-free is best, since electronics tend to jazz kids up, but every kid is different — and you know your child best.) This is such an important life skill to master, and something Debbie Pincus talks about a lot.  Our son really likes being outside, and taking a walk often helps him re-set his calm button. (Also, going to his room and hanging out with his pets.) It’s been shown that meditation has a great effect on students, too, with universities actually offering non-denominational classes in it now, with very positive results. The point is, being able to take yourself out of the whirl of stress you find yourself in at any given moment helps you in almost every aspect of your existence. It may sound simple, but teaching your child this skill is a gift that will last a lifetime.

[julie-serrano]

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Different Love: Do You Have a Favorite Child?

by Lynn Shattuck

The expansiveness of a mother’s love is widely expressed infinite as the sky, strong and sinewy, yet as flexible as a bendy straw. My favorite is the quote by Elizabeth Stone: “Making the decision to have a child – it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”

I feel that raw, pulsing, vulnerable love with equal force for each of my children. And yet, over time, I’ve realized that the love I have for each of them is different. Even in utero, my two children were different. I felt strongly that my first pregnancy was a boy from the very beginning, and I felt like he was a Max. Later in my pregnancy, each night when I’d lie down to sleep, he’d start a vigorous routine of somersaults and karate kicks, making it impossible to fall asleep. My labor with him was late, long and hard, and as a newborn he was fussy and wakeful. He wanted to nurse all the time, and was what some described as a ‘high needs baby.’ My love for Max’s infant self was intense and exhausting; I once read about early, difficult parenting described as “love with teeth.” I was infatuated, but bruised and bitten. My pregnancy with my daughter was quite different. Though physically the pregnancies were similar, both with intense nausea, fatigue and sciatica, she seemed mellower. I had no certainty around her gender. After an ultrasound revealed she was a girl, I contemplated various names: Lucia June, Violet Anne, Cadence Clair, but she felt slippery, the names dripping off of her, nothing fitting quite right. The first night of her life, after a much shorter, smoother birth than my son’s, she slept for six hours straight, while I dozed restlessly, my veins pulsing with adrenaline.

At five and two, Max and Violet’s personalities remain as foreshadowed by my pregnancies. My son seems to radiate sheer will; he doesn’t do anything until he’s ready. He was so slow to talk that we had a speech evaluation done for him when he was two and a half. The evaluator proclaimed he was fine, and sentences started spilling out of him the next day. He didn’t potty train until he was three and three-quarters, but when he did, he had almost no accidents. His diet consists mostly of pizza, pancakes and fruit. His favorite color is black. Our daughter was speaking in complete sentences before she was two. She eats most anything, including Brussels sprouts, with exuberance. While our son is sensitive and emotional, life seems to roll right off of Violet. When she falls, I hold my breath, waiting for her tears to start. Instead, she often bounces back up, giggling. I relate strongly to my son. Max and I are creative, intense, sensitive and stubborn. We are often rigid. My son and I are like magnets—we are often either cocooned together, in our own secret club, or we are pushing each other’s buttons, repelling. The cord of love tying us to each other feels familiar and ancient, as if we’ve been twined together for several lifetimes.

Violet radiates light and playfulness and love. She’s self-contained, which is a quality I’m in awe of, and perhaps a little jealous of. She has her moments after all, she is two. But most of the time, she is pure light and flow, in stark contrast to my over-thinking self. My love for her has a hint of novelty, and a disbelief that this little sprite came from my body. Where my connection with my son feels primitive, with Violet, it feels shiny and new. I often say that while Violet has been “along for the ride” since birth, Max is the ride. He’s a leader, both by nature and by his own demands. He has me seeking professional advice on how to roll with his moods. People say his determination will serve him well later on in life. But trying to parent around that iron will often feels harrowing and exhausting. I asked a group of my mom friends if they felt differently towards their children. Most said that they did. Many confided that they had one child who was more challenging, sometimes significantly so. Several mentioned they had one child who was very similar to them, while another was quite different. And some of the moms said that they had a favorite child but who the favorite was changed frequently, depending on what stage each was in and what was going on with their family at the time. Sometimes I feel guilty that my love for my kids is so disparate. I’m immensely close to and proud of my creative son. And sometimes I just want to soak in Violet’s light. My relationships with my children will stretch and morph over time; I am still in the beginning years of parenting. I’m learning that it’s okay that I feel distinctively towards each of my children. It makes sense; they are different creatures, different constellations of DNA and soul and stardust. Those parts of my heart which they carry around, the love that leaves me so exposed and transformed, are simply different pieces.

[julie-serrano]

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Can Video Games Be Good for Kids?

 How to Make the Most of Screen Time

 by Melissa Maypole

I used to worry that my kids played too many video games, especially my 11-year old son who is obsessed with Minecraft. Like many parents, I fretted over how much time Billy spent gaming and what effects his hobby of choice was having on his health, wellbeing, social life, Vitamin D intake, etc. If you can imagine it, you can bet I worried over it! After reviewing the research on kids and video games, I still worry, but I worry less. What I found was that there may be as many benefits to gaming as there are drawbacks, and there are ways that parents can help their kids make the most of their gaming experiences while still having lots of fun.

The Advantages of Social Play

When we think of kids and video games, we often conjure up images of zombie kids sitting in the dark alone, eyes glued to screen. Often, though, gaming is a much more social experience for children. A recent study revealed that kids enjoy playing video games together as much, or perhaps more, than playing alone. Both cooperative and competitive game play can teach kids valuable social and emotional skills such as teamwork, sportsmanship, and negotiation. If you’re worried about your kid’s screen time, ask him to invite a friend over to play video games with him. Research has also shown that kids benefit when their parents play video games with them as well, so don’t hesitate to get in on the fun! Of course, even social play should come with time limits. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends no more than 2 hours of screen time per day. Use this guideline as a way of helping your child prioritize his or her digital activities.

Quality Matters

One of the biggest mistakes parents make when it comes to managing their kids screen time is that they group all digital media in the same category. Although setting time limits for media consumption can be helpful, it’s just as important to monitor the quality of the media your child is consuming, including which video games he’s playing. An hour spent playing Angry Birds, for instance, is not the same as engaging in creative play with Minecraft, which has been touted as one of the most educational games for kids (thank goodness!).

The Values Issue

Not only do video games differ in terms of their educational value, but they also send different messages to kids, some better than others. For instance, violent, first-person shooter games may send youth questionable messages and have even been shown to increase aggressiveness. But games don’t have to be violent to be inappropriate. Consider the popular game It Girl, which challenges users to be the hottest girl in town by purchasing clothes, attracting boyfriends, and attempting to be as popular as possible. Yikes! With games like these out there, it’s definitely important that you monitor which ones your kids are playing and just say no to unsuitable titles. Common Sense Media is a wonderful resource for learning more about the games your kids are playing.

Though it’s reassuring to know that video games aren’t going to rot my tween’s brain or turn him into a recluse, I will still nudge him to play with his sisters and invite him on bike rides when the weather is nice. I want him to know that while video games can be fun, there’s so much more to life!

What do you think Which video game titles do your kids play How do you manage screen time at your house?

[julie-serrano]

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How to Pull Back and Let Your Kids Struggle

by Gillian Rowinski CPCC

“I can do it Mom!!!” she says confidently as she takes the knife and starts digging into the peanut butter jar.  Trying to pull it out, the knife flicks up, and I duck as a chunk of peanut butter flies past me.  “Oops!  Sorry, Mom.” “That’s okay sweetheart,” I smile back at her. Getting the toast buttered at 5-year-old speed moves us well past the “critical buttering period.” When she finally gets the peanut butter onto the cold toast, it takes all of her strength to spread it around.  Finally, with huge blobs of peanut butter in random spots on the bread, she looks up at me, beaming with pride:  “See?!”

Parents have always known that it’s important for our kids to try things and fail, and now the scientific evidence and psychological research confirms it.  This is how kids build resilience, which is critical to their development and their happiness.  Kids learn when they try, struggle, fail, try again, and then finally get it—not when you deliver them the already buttered toast.

We know this, and yet…how do we handle the discomfort that comes when we pull back and let our kids struggle?  And I’m not just talking about the “she’s not doing it the way I would do it” unease, (unevenly buttered toast makes me cringe).   When you love your children so deeply, what do we do with the pain of watching them struggle?  When they have to learn the lesson about losing the game?  Or about the vulnerability of making new friends?  Or how to ride the bike without training wheels?  How do we give our kids the space to do things by themselves, when every part of our being just wants to protect them from pain and suffering?

When to Step In Yes, it’s important to let your child struggle and fail; yet at the same time, it’s our job to keep them safe.  There will be times when it’s appropriate (and necessary) to jump in.  There are no black and white rules here.  Every child and situation is different, so it will be an “in the moment” judgment call.

My very general rule is if there is a possibility of serious injury, I step in.  For example, last night we rode our bikes to the park, and Lily went to play on the monkey bars.  Even though I suffered a mini panic attack watching her up there, the ground was soft, she wasn’t that high up, and she was still wearing her bike helmet.  So I sat back quietly and let her go.

Alternatively, she’s just learning how to swim and is unreasonably confident in her abilities.  She is certain she can do it by herself, even though each time she starts paddling she goes under.  So I’m there at arm’s length while she’s flailing around, just in case.

Trust yourself that you know your kid, and if your intuition is telling you to get in there, do it.

Two Tips to Help You Pull Back

Create a Persona The first step in changing any kind of behavior is to notice it.  You can help yourself do this in a kind and compassionate way by creating a persona (or character) for the behavior.  Start off by paying attention to how you feel and act when you want to jump in and help your kids.  What sensations do you feel in your body?  What emotions?  How do you speak to your kids?  What thoughts run through your mind?  Take all of that information and turn it into a character.

Some of the best personas I’ve heard are the “Guard Dog,” “The Helicopter” and “Panicky Patty.”  Ideally, find a persona that makes you laugh, so that when you notice this character show up you can view the situation with humor.

Once you have your persona, just notice when it shows up.  “Oh look, the girls are setting the table with the wine glasses, and Panicky Patty wants to jump in and stop them.  Hi, Panicky Patty.  Thanks for keeping an eye on the girls, but it’s okay.  They aren’t in any real danger, and it’s important for them to learn.”

Build the Space to be Mindful The space between the urge to act, and when you actually do something, is where mindfulness lives.  Building up this space gives you the ability to make conscious choices about what you do, rather than acting on impulse or default.

When you notice the urge to jump in and help your kids, just stop.  Pause.  Take a deep breath and count to 10.  Notice what it feels like to wait.  Notice what thoughts run through your mind about what could possibly happen.  Most importantly, notice your children.  Notice how they work through the challenge without your help, how their faces change while they’re figuring it out.   You still have the option to jump in, but try not to.  See what happens when you wait.  Not just for them, but also within yourself.

There will be a point in their lives when you won’t get to watch their every move.  Consider this “heart training” for what’s to come.  Not only are you doing your kids an incredible service by giving them the space, you’re doing one for yourself.

[julie-serrano]

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Exercising Patience: through?

What Gardening and Parenting Have in Common

by Rebecca Wolfenden

Spring has arrived on the calendar, if not in my backyard in Maine.  With the longer days and slowly increasing temperatures, my thoughts often turn to for outdoor projects.  I plan out my vegetable garden, uncover my flower beds, and wait for signs of growth. Sometimes, this seems to be an interminable waiting game, requiring a lot of patience.  After the long, cold, snowy winter we endured, I am impatient with the mountainous snowbanks still lingering in my yard.  I am constantly looking at the trees, almost willing the first leaf buds to appear on the limbs.  When a patch of snow melts away, I find myself slightly disappointed when the grass underneath is still brown and the earth still crunchy with frost heaves.

Then, almost like magic every year, drastic changes begin out of the blue.  The snowbanks just disappear one day while I’m not looking.  The trees suddenly look like they have a hazy halo of color around them as leaves start to burst through.  Crocus and daffodil shoots start to appear from the ground.  The grass becomes green, and it’s time to drag out the lawnmower once again.

  I speak with a lot of parents on Empowering Parents’ Parental Support Line who are also impatient, waiting for change to happen with their child.  They have been through a long, cold winter with their child (so to speak) and are ready to see the new growth happen.  Here are some things to keep in mind if this is where you are as a parent:

Change happens on its own timeline.  Just because I want the weather to be warm and my plants to grow doesn’t mean it’s going to happen right away.  In a similar vein, your child isn’t going to change simply because you want him to, and his readiness isn’t something that you can control.  There are things you can do to hasten that process along, though.  You might start to develop a culture of accountability in your home and begin implementing effective consequences for your child’s choices so he is uncomfortable with his current actions.  It’s important to remember that just because the change isn’t happening in your timeframe, it doesn’t mean that nothing is happening.

Look for change with a longer lens.  A few years ago, I took a cutting of a weeping willow tree and started the process of rooting it in my backyard.  It was my first time rooting a tree from a branch cutting, and I was so excited to see if it was working that I went out to check on it every night after dinner.  Every night, it looked the same as it did the night before.  I started to become discouraged and filled with doubt.  Was I doing this wrong?  Had I damaged the branch?  Should I have taken a different cutting?  Was it getting too much sun? Or not enough?  Had I killed it?  In the meantime, life happened and I wasn’t able to check on its progress for a week.  The next time I checked, I was rewarded with the sight of three tiny new leaves appearing on my branch.

The same phenomenon can occur in parenting.  When we try something new with our kids, it can be disappointing when they respond in the same way—refusing to do chores or homework, becoming defiant, or giving us the silent treatment.  When we look for change in a very small increment, it can be hard to see and we can quickly fall into self-doubt.  Sometimes, it can be useful to take a long view so we can truly see progress.  Instead of comparing how your child was acting today versus yesterday, think about how she was today compared with last week, last month, or even last year.  That is more likely to give you an accurate picture of change.

Have the right tools on hand.  In gardening, it’s important to have the right tool for the job; otherwise you might be creating a lot of extra work for yourself, if you are even able to get the job done at all.  You wouldn’t want to dig a hole with a rake, and you shouldn’t use a lawnmower to weed your flower garden (although my partner didn’t heed that last piece of advice—that’s a post for another time!).  Likewise, make sure that you have the tools you need to encourage change in your family.  The fact that you’re here, willing to seek and receive information, is a good sign!  Start to build your “parenting toolbox.”  If you need more support to make the changes you seek, reach out and let others know what you need.  It might be finding a friend that you can call during a tough time, getting a self-care plan in place, or locating other structured supports in your community, such as a counselor or support group.

Finally, don’t discount the importance of taking that first step.  A plant doesn’t grow without sowing the seed.  In parenting, there is a tremendous amount of power in the ability to recognize that something isn’t working and guiding your family toward improvement and change.