Journal of Jun Akagane

[aurora-tsuki]

[A Formal Entry]

Someone very bad has been returned back to the lifestream. Talking about it is hard. I do not want to think about these events, but it important to write things down. Especially since I lost an evening. It was from shock Emeline said; but it is still memories I can’t recall.

We went after three assassins part of the group that has been going after our crew. The Captain said these were seek and dispatch missions. These are not good people. Splitting into three groups, our groups target was a mage with considerable talent, and a familiar that he had a strong attachment too.

It was… not good. Three civilians died. Rosette and Z were incredibly wounded. The restaurant that we found him in collapsed, the courtyard of the establishment on fire and in ruins.

Almost right away, Rosette was seriously injured. The familiar was this liquid metal creature that was both his shield and his weapon. The familiar formed these liquid metal spikes – one that tore through Rosette’s center.

I couldn’t see anything other than my target. Everything came into sharp focus. I knew Rosette was hurt and all I could do was continue to fight. I was injured, apparently, more than I realized. Nothing in comparison to poor Rosette and Z. But the concern there is… I did not feel anything.

I’ve been engaged in a lot of combat. Not just with the Black Garden, but even in my personal life. I don’t mean to, necessarily, but that is just where I end up. I am good at it. And I am good at avoiding getting hit. Thinking about it… really thinking about it, I cannot recall feeling “hurt”. I’ve been tired and drowsy and things have felt fuzzy. I can understand the idea of what pain brings and how it can pull such terrible stress on the body. But in my adventure’s, I have never been truly hurt and… I don’t remember feeling anything. Even my one previous visit to the Medbay where Garrin dressed my wounded arm. I remember telling him I was fine, it did not hurt. I only stayed because he insisted.

After the fight, Jun immediately attended to Z who was not in a condition that was safe to move right away, and he helped with the civilians still in the area. I brought Rosette back. All I could do was press a ball of cloth to her stomach wound and apply pressure to the bleeding. There was so much blood… so, so much blood…

I remember Kayne, Katalin, and Emeline all in the medbay. They all dashed around to help Rosette. I wanted to help, but I knew I would get in the way; this was far out of my minimal exposure to medicine. And then. Mafrea showed up. And he needed to get involved. The nature of the wound was that bad.

I will never, ever forget the sound of Rosette’s scream.

I can’t remember anything after that. Vague feelings. Kayne was there. Everyone was running around. But that’s it. Mafrea told me the next day I had been clinging to Kayne – I know Mafrea was teasing, but I am worried. Kayne kept giving me worried looks, as I guess I was repeating myself, and just… I just don’t want to scare him away.

–

Mentions: @rosettevaleria @healeremeline @katalinhunter @kayneblackfire @oroete @junakagane @gunslingermiqo @zylarixcolfire

[junakagane]

Jun’s Journal - Week I

Emeline gave this to me, as part of my recovery process. Simply reading is not inherently productive; I must put out my thoughts on paper, and form a hypothesis on them. So, in accordance with standard procedure, I will do just that. To those who read this, please ensure you are familiar with the latest version of Tahl Formatting.

THEOREM: Assuming evil acts are performed throughout one’s lifetime, would a lifetime of good servitude be enough to balance the moral scales?

HYPOTHESIS 1: No: the damage committed by a true atrocity are irreversible. Those who commit them will never find true happiness, knowing they must live with themselves for the rest of their lives.

HYPOTHESIS 2: Yes, and no. Hypothesis 1 remains true, but is assumed under the condition that he who has committed said evil act can do nothing to better anything. Hypothesis 2 assumes the scope of the hypothesis outside the initial impact of the atrocity, and assumes that good can be done elsewhere.

So then, which of these two hypotheses is correct? My answer, a month ago, would have been the first. My answer now is the second. Hypothesis 2 assumes that one need not spread further evil after committing a single atrocity. Instead, one may spend their life bringing good elsewhere. This does not mean they need be forgiven, but it does show intention. 

This past week has shown me much to support this theory. Emeline and I, after encountering the puppet my father sent, have been talking... and at Balor’s Valentione’s Day party, we slowly came out to the crew. There was no teasing, no jabbing: just acceptance. I wondered, at first, why this was their reaction. 

Later, during two consecutive missions, I obtained the injuries I have now. I am to be confined to bed for at least a few days, likely a week. However, much of my (excellent) care has come from Emeline. And I realized, with the relationship we have now, and the ways we treat each other, that none of this is a subconscious act. I worried, for a while, that I had simply been running; using charisma to falsify someone’s feelings for me. But now...

I do not know if I could be happier. I am sure there are parts of my life I could improve... parts of my family. But I have no desire to get into that issue right now. Mafrea, having talked with me a few days ago, even gave me express permission to... well, it’s too early for that, though Emeline seemed pleased by the idea. He and I talked of other topics, like her scrape with the void demon, and the horrifying scene she bore witness to. But all I could do was offer help where I can, and to convey feelings I felt they could not. 

What is this leading to? I do not know. I feel neither hypothesis is fully correct. Hypothesis 2 leads one to believe that atrocities should simply be ignored by the committer if they intend to do good. But I do not want to forget... I feel I should remember it, every day for as long as I live. At least, until the day I see him again.

Until then, I will stay here, on the Rocinante. I’ll stay with the crew, with all of their wonderful, colorful characters, and... with Emeline. I’ll stay with Emeline, I think, for a long, long time. 

@healeremeline @oroete @blackgarden-fc

[junakagane]

About Jun

 Tagged by @healeremeline​

Bold all that applies to your muse

• Eyes:   Blue | Green | brown | hazel | gray | gray-blue | other { Amber / Gold}

• Hair:   blond | sandy | brown | black | auburn | ginger | grey / white | multi-color | other { Lilac / Lavender }

• Body type:   skinny | slender | slim | built | curvy | athletic | average | muscular | pudgy | overweight

• Skin:   pale | light | fair | freckled | tan | olive | medium | dark | discolored

• Gender:   male | female | trans | cis | agender | demigender | genderfluid | other | doesn’t like labels | don’t have any definite headcanon either way

• Sexuality:   heterosexual | homosexual | bisexual | pansexual | asexual | demisexual | other | unsure | doesn’t like labels

• Romantic orientation:   homoromantic | heteroromantic | biromantic | panromantic | aromantic | demiromantic | unsure | doesn’t like labels

• I’ve been: in love | hurt | ill | mentally abused | bullied | physically abused | tortured |brainwashed | shot

• Positive traits:

affectionate | adventurous | athletic | brave | careful | charming | confident | creative | cunning | determined | forgiving | generous | honest | humorous | intelligent | loyal | modest | patient | selfless | polite | down-to-earth | diligent | romantic | moral | fun-loving | charismatic |calm

• Negative traits:  aggressive | bossy | cynical | envious | shy | fearful | greedy | gullible |jealous | impatient | impulsive | cocky | reckless | insecure | irresponsible | mistrustful  | paranoid | possessive | sarcastic | self-conscious | selfish | swears | unstable | clumsy | rebellious | emotional | vengeful | anxious | self-sabotaging | moody | peevish | angry |pessimistic | slacker | thin skinned | overly dramatic | argumentative

• Living situation:

lives alone | lives with parent(s) / guardian | lives with significant other | lives with a friend | drifter | homeless | lives with children | other { Lives on a ship with friends, sometimes SO}

• Parents/guardian:   mother | father | adoptive | aunt | uncle | foster | grandmother | grandfather | other (original FC mates)

• Sibling(s):   sister(s) | brother(s) | none | other

• Relationship:   single | crushing | dating | engaged | married | separated | it’s complicated | verse dependent

• I have a(n):

developmental disorder | learning disorder | personality disorder | mental disorder | anxietydisorder | sleep disorder | eating disorder | behavioural disorder | substance-related disorder | PTSD | mental disability | physical disability | other

• Things i’ve done before:

had alcohol | smoked | stolen | done drugs | self-harmed | starved | had sex | had a threesome | had a one-night stand | gotten into a fist fight | gone to the hospital | gone to jail | used a fake ID | played hooky | gone to a rave | killed someone | had someone try to kill them

Tagging: @healeremeline @oroete @rosettevaleria @saphyra-tsuki @blackmagesol @sleepy-mage

[junakagane]

A Start

Jun sat quietly in the medical bay. His hands were worn, the excess mana having done much to wear down his body. He’d recovered, stamina-wise, but the constant channeling of aether had left its scars. 

“...”

He looked over at Emeline, asleep at her desk. The constant paperwork could take its toll in its own way, one he was also familiar with. He smiled, walking over and removing his coat. He draped it over her, watching the way she calmly breathed in and out. He went to brush the hair out of her face...

But he stopped. 

He saw them again; his fingers, rustic and worn. And he grimaced. Memories of an abandoned past flooded to him, and no matter hard he tried, they stayed him. He retracted his hand, and felt that familiar feeling in his gut. He knew he would never hurt her, he knew she was everything to him... but something inside of him kept nagging: “you could never control it”, “you’ll only hurt her one day”, it said. 

“You are atoning.”, another voice spoke. 

Jun remembered the words from earlier that day, and his eyes softened. He felt a smile hug his face, and the nagging subsided. She was right. He had a long, long way to go... and even if he deserved a worse fate, he was working to deserve something better. 

He stretched down, and brushed the hair from her face. “You are beautiful.” he whispered. He wondered what she was dreaming about, and felt happy. “Thank you...” he kissed her forehead, and left her to sleep. In the meantime, he would work on some of the leftover paperwork. 

“It’s not much... but it’s a start.” he smiled, happier than ever to be sitting down, and filing paperwork.