After all of it; the researching, the fighting, the puzzle pieces, the look of fear and disgust in Emeline’s eyes, the great fight were the Primal energy took over, and almost being responsible for loosing Kayne, Rosette, Mafrea, Emeline--
She sat in the Upper Observatory, fiddling with the monocle. Sticking it in and out of the moonlight beam that filtered through the stain glass, marveling as the metal glowed silver when exposed. In the glass she could see memories dance past, ghosts of her past trapped in the transparent lens. That’s how it had all come back... The metal was enchanted to show the wearer what they subconsciously were thinking about. It had been given as a gift, so she could always find what she was looking for. But now it just replayed old memories she would rather not have to witness so closely.
Sute quo Perditas. Foundling. Lost. Apt meanings for the name assigned to her by the man that called himself her father -- the man she saw as a father, before she learned... no, cheated her way into realizing the Garlean’s were terrible.
And here she was in her room that the House had rearranged for her. New memories, new room, new feelings... new name... Though it was more correct say “No Name”. She felt like a lost foundling again. She did not know how she felt about Saphyra anymore, the name her ghost had used. Sute and her old alias Hikari were not options. And Sikariya... she liked it, Booshie had given it to her, a special gift after all she had done to the woman in their past together... But Rosette’s words stuck in her head.
“If you try to combine with your old names, it might just hold you back from growth.”
She leaned forward and hugged her knees close, tears threatening to spill over. Tears of sadness? Of anger? Frustration? She could not tell. She felt so much and so fiercely now. The Primal had dulled all of Saphyra’s feelings to stop her from being hurt, to keep her safe. This new raen was not protected and never learned how to cope.
She wanted someone to give her the answers. Rosette said she liked Saphyra, to take the name and aspire to be like her old self. But her old self was an empty ghost. She was sweet and kind but so... so empty...
Some people just called her Sikariya with no comment. Encouraging her to find herself. Others ignored this and just kept on calling her Saphyra. It felt unfair -- it felt --
The tears of too many emotions finally spilled over.
A raen with no name. Just a dirty Garlean, like Burrich said. Emotionally Manipulative, like Emeline called her.
She had been avoiding the House. Avoiding Burrich. And most of all, avoiding Emeline. It felt all she could do in this tower was cry.
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