THOUGHT I KNEW A THING OR TWO ABOUT THE BLUES

atx•24•Dylan

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I get so much anxiety when someone tells me they were watching what I was listening to on Spotify

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“do you like me first and the gimme gimmes?” holy shit how about you just make me swoon my goddamn ass off lol

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ugh it’s 5am and I just spent the last 20 minutes listening to the fantastic Mr. Fox soundtrack and watching couples goals tiktoks and now I’m CRYING MY FUCKING EYES OUT

FUCK

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At this point I feel like my heart is just gonna fall out of my fucking chest

[tylerspangler]

Artwork Copyright © Tyler Spangler

Buy prints here: society6.com/tylerspangler

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Preparing for the worst, hoping for the best

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Why am I such a fuckin dingus

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Brb gotta ruin everything that’s ever made me happy real quick, want me to grab you anything while I’m out?

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You called my saying you don’t have a mountain of free time on your hands oh I feel so undesired

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fucking hell man I just wanna be happy

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I honestly just want to understand if it’s useless to feel this way. If things would be better if I completely changed I huge feeling that’s unwillingly very present in my life. It’s not like I wanna feel this way. I try to ignore this feeling and then it distracts me from everything going on, making me an anxious wreck. I’ve seemed to notice no one else really cares about what i care about, making me think I’m wrong for thinking this way. If i was wrong for feeling this way, why would it distract and disrupt me so much. Why would it make me upset. I don’t want to be upset, but that entire discussion almost brings me to tears. It’s so embarrassing explaining why I feel this way. I don’t want to feel this way, it’s obviously hard to control. It’s been going on for so long I just wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I didn’t think this way. I wish someone understood. I wish it didn’t make me feel terrible. I wish someone felt the same way I do so I could understand myself. I wish this wasn’t something that obviously affects me so much. I wish I could live a happy life ignoring these feelings. I could see a happy life if I didn’t feel this way, maybe it’s an excuse I’ve made all my life because I’m scared. Maybe I feel this way for a reason. I have no idea. I’m scared I’ll never know. I just want to stop being so fucking upset all the time. I’m wasting my life being sad.

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I’m so stupid and very obviously not happy but I guess I’m gonna keep ignoring that and pretending I am. I honestly don’t know what to do at this point. I feel like anything I say or do to make myself happier is only making things worse. It’s not like I’m always unhappy, sometimes I’m happy. But I’m definitely not happy enough. I wanna say something in hopes that things will change but I feel like it hasn’t been working so why will it work this time. I guess I’m just going to sit by along for the ride and see what happens. Its just a bummer feeling like everything is going well one moment and things are really good, and then it’s like that never happened and I’m back to being as unhappy as I was originally. I don’t understand what more I can do to fix this situation. I want to be happy, and it seems like I’m going to be happy, but somehow all of that is ignored and never seemed to happen.

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I’d rather be fucked than sad

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At least tomorrow my mom and brothers and I are gonna shoot off his guns to commemorate him. Miss you every day buddy.

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On the verge of tears at work too anxious to tell anyone tomorrow’s the 3 year anniversary of my old man passing away. I’m terrified everyone just thinks I’m an asshole when in reality I just really don’t wanna burst into tears in front of all my coworkers. Guess I’ll go cry in the bathroom. Hope no one asks why I’m in here so long.

[nightplox-deactivated20210211]