I knew it.
When we had started smiling at each other in hallways and in between classes,
When you had approached me after my English class and asked for my number,
When we had begun to form a friendship over long text messages and cellphone calls,
When you first asked to walk me home, since my dormitory was only a few blocks from school,
When we began counting the stars over the university field one summer night,
When your full lips had landed on mine the very first time, and all I had the next day were first kiss jitters,
When we had our first date, and the second one, and the third, and I don’t know how many had followed,
When you had heard the sweet ‘yes’ from my mouth and you had told me that was the happiest day of your life,
When we finally let our souls and bodies slide against each other,
When you finally showed me the scar you had from that one night on junior year that you tried to find so desperately where is the life you need to cling to survive,
When we had our wedding day, and our smiles and those of the people around us are as bright as the morning and evening stars combined,
I knew it then that you would be the greatest love of my life, the first among many failed tries.
But what I did not know was that our love, my love, still wasn’t enough to keep away the demons that remain hidden under your bed and the whispers of the monsters over your ears. I didn’t know how worse it had gotten since we had met, because that was the only thing you didn’t tell me. That your depression had clung to you so tightly that it had already pulled you away from the light of our love and into the shadows of hell.
I did not know that every night was still a challenge for you to get even just an hour of sleep. You did not tell me. You did not tell me of the cockroaches that crawl under our covers. You did not tell me of the faceless man in suit standing over our bed, watching us over every night. You did not tell me of the screams of the fucking monsters inside your head. You did not tell me that it hurt even to just smile. You did not tell me and I still can not understand why.
I thought I knew everything when those blue eyes of yours had caught the light from the sun, the moment they reflected upon mine. I never saw the shadows underneath it because they were so beautiful I couldn’t resist to just look at them
I thought I knew but I didn’t.
But there’s one thing that I will always knew for sure: that since you were the first, you, too, shall always be my last.
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