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youre not yaoiful at all

so when shane joins ottawa it’s obviously great and happy until he and ilya realize that this means that shane is always going to have two more cups than ilya no matter what. it also means that — due to their freak nature — whenever shane has the smallest injury, ilya starts gloating about how this means shane will have to retire and ilya will just have to go on and win more cups than shane. shane will stub his toe on the coffee table one day and ilya immediately goes “we will have to put you down. no more cups for shane hollander. his husband wins them all now.” “FUCK YOU ROZANOV.”

ill-gotten-gaines

After they're out, Shane and Ilya record a lifestyle video together for ESPN. ESPN is chomping at the bit: no one can imagine Racecar Rozanov and Hockey IQ Hollander's life behind closed doors, and they want the exclusive.

The crew shows up totally unsure of what to expect, charmed but surprised when it's Ilya opening the door in a tank and sweats and dramatically sighing, "Is meal prep day."

They spend hours filming the couple navigating the kitchen, arguing over how much salt to put in their egg cups, talking about how they learned to cook together when they first made a real go of their relationship.

Shane keeps his hands busy and his eyes focused on his prep work, and that makes it easier to talk about the murky grey area between healthy food choices and disordered eating. Ilya just rubs his back and mocks how he's dicing the bell peppers and keeps calling what he's wearing his "unlucky sweatpants" until Shane hits him in the face with a spatula while mumbling something about tuna melts.

Surprising exactly no one, the video goes viral when it drops on YouTube. It explodes on socials, with thousands of people stitching together Ilya saying "is meal prep day" with videos of their own meal prep, their healthy habits, sharing their own journey to loving food and treating it as fuel and not punishment. They use the tag #eatlikehollanov and it trends immediately.

Ilya's favorite part is when fans start to battle over #eatlikehollanov - the food posts get overtaken with videos and photos of them out at social events, serving cunt and generally looking like top designers battle it out for who gets repped by The Gay Wonder Twins of Hockey (which they do, and stop calling us that, we're married you perverts).

Then Shane and Ilya are spotted at a bar making out in a dark corner and everyone remembers these two probably spend 30% of their waking hours eating each other alive, and suddenly it's #eatlikehollanov munch munch munch yum yum yum.

The Centaurs jump on the trend, sharing their own food prep videos with increasing innuendo. Luca Haas turning bright red while eating a glazed donut gets 3 million views, but Troy really breaks the internet by eating a banana while maintaining eye contact with the camera the whole time. Harris threatens to replace the Kiss Cam at games with #eatlikehollanov and Shane tries his hardest to crawl into a corner and die because he just wanted to share how he protein loads, you guys, why did you have to make it so weird.

Scott Hunter helps not at all by making blueberry and banana smoothies with Kip. Shirtless.

deja-b00

it’s their first season playing together and a video goes around of ilya calling shane sweetheart on the ice. it sparks a dumb controversy where people are calling them unprofessional and speculating that their teammates are uncomfortable having a couple on the team.

cut to their next game where the centaurs have assigned each of their players their own unhinged pet name. bood is big daddy. hayes: snookums. troy is doll face. luca is obviously baby boy.

when asked about it in a press conference, coach weibe is just like, "every player in hockey gets a nickname or two. the centaurs are just a little more creative than most teams. why, is it making people uncomfortable?"

sosaneitsinsane

fall in love again and again...

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the-ladyrae

That was delicious. I genuinely don't think I've seen anyone line up those scene parallels so well before. This was a perfect snapshot of every branch, rock, and mattress they hit on their way down

themoonandmyman

whatever you do don’t think about Ilya getting so drunk after a win that Shane has to princess carry him out of the car and ilya is just slurring ‘you are my hero shane’ ‘no I mean it you are so strong and pretty and good at hockey’ and then he starts tearing up and Shane is like ‘ok no more tequila shots for you Mr Russian Constitution’

ilya-sweetheart

someone overhears ilya threatening shane with releasing an incriminating photo and the whole league and twitter goes wild because this is blackmail !!

so shane has to post the photo himself to prove that no, boston captain ilya rozanov does not have any evidence or incriminating documents on shane hollander

instead it’s a picture of canadas golden boy hungover eating mcdonald’s for breakfast flipping off the camera wearing a raiders hoodie

notahungrywish

When Yuna has her “no son(in law) of mine will have inferior brand deals and management” takeover shortly after she learns about Shane and Ilya, how long do you think it takes her to figure out his money situation with his family?

I’m imagining her/maybe Shane playfully ribbing him about how he has no real financial manger or decent investments and what do you MEAN you just let a paycheck like that sit in your account while buying luxury cars every five minutes no wonder your net worth is shockingly low for your value, etc etc. and he’s not even offended he’s surprised and pleased that his new family is so invested in him and also enjoys watching where Shane gets some of his crazy. Like Ilya Mommy Issues Rozanov is “yes please ma’am optimize my finances and worry about my wellbeing harder” while he shovels whatever David made for dinner in his mouth.

But then at some point while she’s (lovingly) harping on his financial irresponsibility he just kind of quietly mentions that actually so much of his paycheck was going back home to his family when he was younger that he needed to blow shit on cars or whatever pretty quick if he didn’t want it to disappear. And she realizes that yeah he’s a little dummy who spent a concerning amount of money on VIP sections last year and thinks bank account interest is investing but he was also a child supporting his entire family in a foreign country with no one bothering to look out for his best interest or explain planning for a future.

David gets treated to impassioned rants every night about how “David I’m not convinced anyone even read that boy his contract in Russian”.

She starts managing him as well, obviously, and she’s kind of disturbed by how easily he just signs whatever she puts in front of him and doesn’t bother asking questions before agreeing to hand over all his management to her. He just seems thrilled she got him a Lamborghini partnership and an invite to fashion week.

The only time he puts up a fuss is when he realizes she’s not planning to take any significant cut of his money because “you’re family sweetheart” and he looks like he got smacked in the head with a shovel and has to go outside on the porch with Shane for a suspiciously long period of time.

Just to make sure it’s not suspicious that Yuna Hollander is now managing Ilya Rozanov she takes on a few more clients too. And if she specializes in managing rookies with no support network or active language barriers then that’s just a coincidence.