Hey, I'm Maddy. I write band fanfics- I mainly dig Jalex and Kellic but gimme just about any pairing you want and I'll have a go, I also post general band content so yknow, double whammy. My ask box is always open for requests so please ask away.
We’ve got scars on our future hearts (Jalex) - Masterlist
Description: Alex dealt with self harm when he was younger, that’s over now though- he’s better, until he’s not. Struggling with the idea of self harming as an adult Alex keeps the issue to himself, but living on a tour bus with your band there’s only so long you can keep something a secret.
Warning: Contains graphic descriptions of self harm
Description: Alex dealt with self harm when he was younger, that’s over now though- he’s better, until he’s not. Struggling with the idea of self harming as an adult Alex keeps the issue to himself, but living on a tour bus with your band there’s only so long you can keep something a secret.
Warning: Contains graphic descriptions of self harm
It’s also available here on Wattpad, and you can find the masterlist here.
Alex's POV
It's been a few months, and by no means has it been easy- at first I really struggled with coming to Jack when I felt down, and more often than not my emotions would get the better of me and it would end up in a shouting match- the shouting mostly on my part. Jack has been unbelievably understanding, I rage and rage sometimes and he takes it all and talks it through with me when I've calmed down, I just don't understand how someone can be that calm.
It got easier though, and eventually I got used to going to curl up in his bunk with him rather than slipping off for an oddly-timed 'shower'. That's not to say I've stopped that habit completely, sometimes things get the better of me and I don't have the control to go to Jack- instead I'll sneak off to the bathroom, never doing anything as deep as that night Jack found me, and anticipate his sad eyes staring me down as I come out.
He understood though, that I wouldn't be able to just stop, which I appreciate. He also understands that I don't always want to talk about why I feel this way, content to simply run his hands through my hair as I sob into his chest, or stare blankly at the ceiling.
Tonight's one of those nights that things are too much, for no reason at all.
I slide off my bunk, where I'd attempted to take a post-show nap, putting my mood down to exhaustion, and make my way to the front lounge. Jack's there, I could hear his voice from my bunk, along with Zack and a few of the crew guys.
"Hey Alex" Zack pipes up when he sees me in the doorway "Good nap?"
"Couldn't sleep" I tell him as I make my way over to Jack sitting on one of the sofas, melting myself into his side once he lifts up an arm in invitation. I throw my legs over his and all but sit in his lap, he rests his head over mind and presses a small kiss to the top of my head.
The guys figured out me and him had something going on almost immediately, and pretty much nothing changed- I think they all knew before we did that something was bound to happen eventually. That was nice- it was one less thing for me to worry about, it also made me much more comfortable telling them that I was struggling. I didn't tell them everything, nothing specific, they just knew that I had 'bad days', and I wasn't always able to get through them on my own. They were concerned, as any friend would be, but they didn't push it.
"You alright?" Jack mumbled into my hair, just loud enough for me to hear.
I shook my head weakly into his chest.
"You wanna go to my bunk?" He asked, as I played with one of the strings on his hoodie. I nodded, and he started shifting to get up "I'm gonna turn in, catch you guys tomorrow." There's a chorus of nights as me and Jack make our way back to his bunk.
He gets in first, sliding back until his back touches the wall, pulls up the covers and cocks his head as a gesture for me to get in. Not that he needed to, this was so routine for us now we could do it with our eyes closed. I scoot in in front of him, his chest to my back, and let out a trapped breath as he wraps his arms around me.
"You wanna talk about it?" he asks quietly, lightly rubbing his thumb against my sternum, the other arm under my head, reaching backwards to stroke through my hair.
"Not tonight" I sigh out "I don't know what's wrong I just feel-" I pause, lost for words as to how I feel.
"Off?" Jack offers.
"Yeah, off" I press myself further back into him, willing his warmth to take away all the thoughts.
"Anything specific you think might help?"
A tear starts welling up in the corner of my eye as I come to terms with the fact that I have no understanding about why I feel this way tonight "I dunno" I mumble, voice slightly cracking.
"That's okay," Jack presses a kiss to the back of my head "It's okay." He pulls me a bit closer into him the way I love when I feel overwhelmed.
Eventually my mind calms down, and then I calm down, the tension I didn't realise I was carrying in my torso and shoulders ebbing away as I relax into the bed.
"Feeling better?" Jack asks.
"A bit" I offer, turning slightly to face him, flashing him a small lopsided smile "Thanks."
"Always more than happy to lie here with you Alex," he leans forward and kisses my forehead "You know that."
I blush slightly and turn back around, settling down into the pillow "Is it alright if I sleep here tonight? I just-" I start rambling "I still don't feel great, I dunno-"
"Alex," Jack cuts me off, nestling his nose into the hair hanging down the nape of my neck "Of course that's okay."
Jack's POV
Alex is the happiest I've seen him in a while- maybe you wouldn't notice it if you hadn't been watching him closely, since he's so good at covering it, but there's so much more life to him. Sure he bounces around the stage the same way he always has, but when he bounds over to my side and sings into my mic there's a sparkle in his eyes that went missing before; and when he flops down in my lap after an exhausting day he doesn't lean into me like the world will crumble around him if he's not grounded, he radiates his own warmth and energy, back vibrating with laughter against my chest.
He still sleeps in my bunk most nights, but they aren't filled with sobs and blank stares anymore, they're filled with giggles and hushed conversations. Sometimes we don't talk, we just put on some music and let the stresses of the day wash off us- but even in those silent moments I can feel he's okay- there's no tension in his shoulders, no tears in his eyes, no trapped breaths.
"Hey Alex?" It's a Sunday afternoon, there's no show this evening so most people are out in the city- we're hanging out in the front lounge, Alex's head on my lap, his legs sprawled out over the rest of the couch.
"Yeah?" He looks up at me.
"Do you wanna go get dinner with me tonight?" I try to play it casual, toying absentmindedly with a piece of his fringe- I've been thinking about asking him out properly for a while, it's not like anything would change, it would just be putting a label on it. I figured asking him out to dinner would be the gentlemanly way to do it- it's what's done in the movies.
He gives me a funny look "Yeah," he draws out "Anywhere in mind?"
"There's that Italian place Rian took Cass last time we were here, I remember them saying it was pretty nice."
"You mean where he proposed to her?" Alex cocked his eyebrow at me. I blushed as I shot my head up, avoiding his gaze and planting it firmly on the counter opposite us- I'd forgot about that. "You're not gonna propose to me are you Barakat?" he laughed.
"No!" I glanced down at him, his beaming smirk making me look back up anywhere but at him "No, no" I nervously laughed "None of that, don't worry, just-" I shuffled out from underneath him, heading out to get some fresh air "Does 6 work?"
"I've got nowhere else to be." Alex flashed me a smile as I shut the door, letting out a deep breath- why am I so nervous?
6 rolled around quickly, I'm sat in the lounge with some of the guys- I'd changed into a black button up and some nicer jeans, it's not a fancy restaurant but it's nice, and I want this to be nice for Alex. On cue he walks in, outfit similar to mine, except he's gone for a white short sleeved button up.
"Look at you two dressed up" Rian coos "Off anywhere nice?"
"Bella's" Alex says coolly.
"Oooh" Rian shoots him a cheeky look and then turns to me to mirror Alex's joke from earlier "Don't go getting any ideas Jack."
"Alright, very funny" I'm just as flustered as I was earlier, maybe more so now there's an audience- I stand up, grabbing my jacket from where it's thrown over the back of the sofa and take hold of Alex's hand as we step off the bus to start the short walk towards the restaurant. It's a cool evening, not cold- not enough to put my jacket on yet, but there's a chilly wind that promises I'll need it later.
We make small talk and joke around, the conversation coming easily between us; I'm so glad that didn't change when we took this to a level more than friends, I was so worried it might damage or disturb our underlying friendship- if anything it made it stronger.
We fall easily back into our conversation, laughing away the hours, it's not until we've almost finished out desserts that I remember the reason for asking him out tonight. I clear my throat awkwardly and catch his eye as he looks up from his cheesecake "Uhm so Alex,"
He gives me the same puzzled look from earlier "Yes, Jack?"
I take in a deep breath to try and calm my nerves "So, I've really enjoyed these last few months with you- I enjoy all my time with you, obviously not just these last few months- but these last few months especially" I start, cringing internally at how awkwardly it's coming out. I wish I'd thought this out beforehand "I know we said we'd take it slow, and we have- and at least to me it seems like you're doing so much better than you were before." I look up and he gives me a nod.
"Definitely," He says somewhat cautiously "You've been a massive help, I'm definitely doing way better."
"Good, yeah." I smile at him and he smiles back "So I was thinking, since you're feeling better, and if you don't think it's going too fast-" I chuckle nervously, thinking about how to word the question.
"Oh my god," Alex says quietly, letting out his own nervous chuckle "You're not actually gonna propose, are you?"
"No!" I say slightly too loud, looking around and trying again a bit quieter "No, I'm trying to ask-" I reach out and hold one of his hands in mine "If you'd be my boyfriend?" I let out another nervous laugh as I wait for his answer.
Alex laughs, squeezing my hand "Yes! Of course Jack" A huge grin splits across his face "Of course."
I puff out the breath I'd been holding, but the nervous rambling doesn't stop "I didn't know how to ask, I didn't know if this was too formal."
"No, this was lovely." Alex assures me with another squeeze of my hand "Really."
We pick right back up where the conversation left up, keeping our hands joined in the centre of the table until the bill comes. I pay, after a little protest from Alex, and we step outside into the chilly evening air- I notice Alex shivering slightly as we walk.
"You cold?" I ask, looking over at him.
"No, I'm alright" He smiles at me, even though I can see he is. I take my jacket off and wrap it around his shoulders anyway, he blushes and mumbles a thanks as he slips his hand into mine.
"Anything for you." I give his hand a squeeze as we walk back towards the bus.
I’m about to finish ‘We’ve got scars on our future hearts’, and I’m thinking to the next fic- I have a couple ideas floating around for the next story- both Jalex.
It's between an 'A Daydream Away' song fic, and a Jalex abuse-centred fic (Alex is in a bad relationship and Jack eventually helps him out of it).
Description: Alex dealt with self harm when he was younger, that’s over now though- he’s better, until he’s not. Struggling with the idea of self harming as an adult Alex keeps the issue to himself, but living on a tour bus with your band there’s only so long you can keep something a secret.
Warning: Contains graphic descriptions of self harm
It’s also available here on Wattpad, and you can find the masterlist here.
Jack's POV
I was awake long before Alex, I wouldn't be surprised if he slept through the whole day after what he went through yesterday. Â He's still curled up next to me, not that there's much of a choice with the size of the beds- I can't wait until we get to the next town, we're there for a week which means hotel rooms with double beds and personal showers. Heaven. Looking back down at Alex's sleeping form I decide to text Zack to ask him to make sure the guys keep it down.
[10:34] Jack: Hey dude, Alex had a pretty rough night last night- I know most people are gonna be hung over anyway but can you make sure they keep it down?
[10:34] Jack: Feel like it would do him good to sleep through to Columbus
I doubt anyone will be up this early, except maybe Matt because he's in charge of driving the bus for this leg, but if anyone else is up I know Zack is bound to be one of them- he's always up for weirdly early workout sessions.
[10:48] Zack: No problem, it's just me and Flyzik at the moment
[10:49] Zack: Someone's gotta keep him company
[10:49] Zack: Is Alex ok? I saw he wasn't in his bunk last night
I think about what to say, Alex definitely won't want them knowing what happened.
[10:55] Jack: Yeah he's all good
[10:55] Jack: You know how he gets when he's drunk, felt like a bit of a spoon
That wasn't a complete lie- Alex is a clingy drunk, we both are; it's not uncommon for us to end up in the same bed together after a night out- strictly PG of course. I'd like to say I could put the kisses I gave him last night down to alcohol but I'd barely had a couple of beers. Truth is I just adore him, seeing him that broken last night tore my heart apart, it made me want to wrap him up in my arms and never let him go. He didn't seem to mind at the time, but he was also pretty out of it, thinking back maybe I shouldn't have done it- I mentally add it to my list of things I needed to talk to him about.
Feeling the bus shake awake underneath me, I glance down at Alex to check he's still asleep- satisfied it didn't wake him up I settle back into bed behind him, shutting my eyes and letting the vibrations from the engine lull me back to sleep.
I wake back up to my phone vibrating, it's a text from Zack.
[13:45] Zack: Sorting out rooms- you good to share with Alex?
[13:45] Zack: Abe's girlfriend's in town so he doesn't really wanna bunk with Matt haha
I look down at Alex, normally that'd be fine, no questions asked, but after last night maybe he'd want some time alone? Not that I want to leave him alone, especially now.
[13:46] Zack: Like 5 mins out by the way
I decide to wake Alex up, shaking his shoulder a little "Hey Alex?"
He half rolls into me and groggily opens his eyes "Hmm?"
"Hey uh, we're almost in Columbus- Zack's asking if it's cool if we share a room?"
He shuts his eyes, clearly struggling to process a question so soon after waking up "Yeah that's alright" he mumbles, bringing his hands up to his face to wipe the gunk out of his eyes.
We lie there in silence for a little while until he speaks up again, quietly "Listen I know we need to talk about last night, can it wait until we're off the bus?" he looks up at me, flashing a small worried smile.
"Of course." I smile back as the bus lurches to a final stop "How's your leg?" I ask, unsure if that's a question that should wait until later.
"It's fine, a little sore but it's not terrible." He sits up, noticing he's still in just his boxers "You mind grabbing me some clothes?" He asks, looking back at me.
"Yeah, sure" I sit up and climb over him to hop off the bunk and head over to the wardrobe, picking out some joggers and a hoodie.
I throw them back over to the bunk and hear a small "Thanks" as I head into the lounge, it looks like most people are awake now.
"Hey Jack!" Rian looks up at me from the sofa "You missed a good one last night." I sit down next to him "How's Alex by the way?" Right on cue Alex walks into the lounge "Speak of the devil, you good man?"
Alex takes the final spot on the sofa "I'm all good, just had a bit too much to drink." He turns to face Rian, who looks like he's definitely had better days "Looks like I'm feeling better than you are" he laughs.
Rian runs a hand through his hair as he chuckles "Yeah," he lets out a puff of air "Just waiting to get into the hotel, spread out in a double bed" he fakes a moan, making us laugh.
"Right, room keys" Matt shouts, stepping onto the bus "you've got free reign tonight, sound check is at 3 tomorrow, please if we could all not be hungover then that would be great." He starts handing them out, stopping to ask Alex if he's okay as he hands him the key.
"All good" Alex flashes him a smile "Was just a bit too drunk"
"Good good" he says, walking back into the bunks to wake up the last of the guys.
"Right" Alex stands up "I'm gonna go get packing, catch you in a bit."
Alex's POV
I flop down on the hotel bed as Jack shuts the door behind us, stretching my arms out to cherish the size- don't get me wrong, I love touring, but the beds on the bus just aren't comfortable.
"So, can we talk about last night now?" Jack asks, setting his bag down, a tense look spreading across his face.
"Yeah" I sit up, crossing my legs and scooting back towards the headboard "I don't really know what to say though." I look down at my hands and start picking at some skin on my thumb.
I feel the bed dip as Jack sits down on the opposite end of the bed, letting out a sharp breath he starts "Well when did this start?"
I can feel his eyes on me but I keep mine focussed firmly on my hands "This time? A few weeks ago. If you mean the whole thing then high school, it's not been constant though," I look up at him quickly, to give him a reassuring glance "I got better after high school, I didn't think about it for years- I did it occasionally if things got a bit stressful but it wasn't an issue. I'm not sure why this time it's going on for so long." I trail off, becoming aware of how easily I'm spewing information at him.
"Oh Alex" Jack says, looking at me sadly "I had no idea you've been dealing with it for so long, why didn't you tell anyone?"
"I dunno" I run my hands through my hair, holding my head in my hands for a moment "I guess back in high school I thought I could just deal with it myself," I let out a sharp breath I didn't realise I was holding "And I didn't want to tell anyone now because it's embarrassing isn't it?"
"Embarrassing?"
"Well yeah, embarrassing. This isn't something adults do, is it? They deal with their problems in normal ways like talking it out, they don't start cutting themselves. It's pathetic really." I know I'm starting to come across self pitying but I can't help it.
"It's not pathetic though, please don't say that" I look up at Jack, I can see the pain behind his eyes as he thinks of what to say "Think about all the fans you talk to about this, you'd never call them pathetic."
"It's different though."
"How?"
"Because that's real self harm, mine's just dumb" I look back down at my hands as we sit in silence for a moment.
"What happened last night was pretty real Alex." I hadn't properly thought about last night yet, I'd been pushing it out of my mind- but confronted with the thought of it now I remember how terrified I was. "Look Alex," Jack scoots forward on the bed so our knees are touching "I'm not asking you to explain the past to me, I know that can be hard. Just please don't shut me out in the present. I really care about you" I look up at him and he flashes a small smile "I just want to help."
The combination of Jack's empathy and thinking about last night makes me break down and I start sobbing, hunching over into Jack as sobs shake my body. He wraps his arms around me, leaning forwards so I'm not so hunched over "I'm sorry" I stutter out "I want to get help, I just don't want anyone to know."
"I know" Jack says, pulling away once I've stopped crying and moving so he's sat next to me against the headboard "You know the guys won't judge you about it though."
"I know," I take a look at Jack out the corner of my eye "Rationally." I add. "It's hard when I get so wrapped up in my own mind to think rationally though."
"You do know I'm not judging you about it though" Jack looks over at me, and I look back, smiling a bit.
"I know."
"So then you know that you can come and talk to me when you feel like that."
"Yeah." I look back down at my hands "I guess," I sigh "That's just hard, I'm so used to coping with it on my own"
"I get that," I can see Jack fiddling with his fingers "I'm not expecting it to immediately get better. I just want you to know that doing that, it's not your only option."
"Thank you," I look over at him "For being so understanding, it really does mean a lot."
"I just want to help, it hurts me to see you like this Alex" I feel a little twinge in my heart as his voice cracks a little, I've never had anyone talk to me like this "Please just come and talk to me next time you feel like doing that." He's looking deep into my eyes, I can see tears starting to well up in his.
"I will Jack," I try to give him a smile that comes across comforting "I promise." He smiles back and I turn my face back towards my lap.
We sit in silence for a bit while I run the situation through my mind; I do really want to get better, and I do trust Jack, I just don't know how I feel about talking to him about my problems. On one hand, it's embarrassing to admit I feel this way to someone but on the other hand telling Jack did feel like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I decide to at least give it a go, if it doesn't work then I'm no worse off than where I started- I'm broken out of my thoughts by Jack speaking up next to me.
"There's something else I kinda wanted to talk to you about too." Pulling my legs up I turn so I'm facing him "I don't know if now's the right time but I thought since we're already talking-"
"It's fine Jack" I cut him off "You don't have to act like you're walking on eggshells around me, honestly it's okay."
"Okay," he shoots me a smile "I just wanted to talk about how I kissed you last night" I could see the faintest blush start to dust his cheeks as he looked down into his lap "You were out of it, I really shouldn't have done it, I just wanted to apologise and I guess ask if you were okay with it?"
I forgot he kissed me last night, I guess my mind was occupied with other things "It's okay" I think about it, it actually really comforted me "I think I liked it."
He looks over at me, a bit surprised "Really?"
"Yeah" I think about it again for a moment, my mind has been so preoccupied lately I haven't had a chance to think about my feelings for Jack much. We're best friends, always have been, but I've always felt something deeper for him- I just assumed it was never reciprocated so I kept it to myself.
The last few months we've been dancing around the subject, late night conversations and lingering touches just tip toeing on the border of friendship; nothing ever explicitly said between us, but I was starting to think the feelings might be mutual. Without thinking about it too much I decide to take a chance "I think maybe if you did it again I'd like that too."
I hesitate a look up at him to see him looking back at me with slightly wide eyes "Do you mean that?"
I look down at my hands and then back up at him "I think you know I do Jack."
I can almost see the cogs turning in Jack's head as he's processing what I just said "I'm not sure this is the best time to be starting something like this" he speaks up after a while.
"Maybe" I guess he's right, it's silly of me to think it would be that easy.
"But I guess we could take it slow." I smile as his eyes meet mine.
