Intro post ig.
Spoiler: this post is quite long. Lotta text.
TLDR: I am a severely mentally ill bi/pan enby with a triggering blog about how lonely and miserable I am.
I have a favorite person.
Minors, racists, ableists, trans- and homophobes DNI.
I'm Cat. Also, a cat. A very mentally ill cat. A very mentally ill cat that is physically 19, but mentally more like 16. Hard to really say tho, because we are a system. A very chaotic one.
Can't be bothered to explain my existence as a system in this post, just ask me if you care.
I'm also trans. Non binary, to be more precise. Genderfluid, to be even more precise. I'm attracted to anyone if I like them. If I have an fp, I usually don't care abt anyone else tho. Gender is a nonensical social construct to me, it's like trying to put soup into boxes. But like, with separated parts. What do you mean you want the carrots in here but without any potatoes. Brother this shit is mashed. I'm a lil bit of everything. Using they/them pronouns for simplicity, my fp is allowed to call me whatever they want tho, as long as they mean it in any kind of not-cis context.
I'm not looking to get healed, I just wanna feel good and be comfortable.
I get super obsessive and jealous. I'm an absolute freak. I value straightforwardedness and honesty. In fact, if you lie to me, I'll forever take it personal. I forgive way too much because I got no spine and I crave love and attention. I forget. Like everything. But also not. I don't remember most of my childhood, but if I feel wronged by you, I'll bring it up every time we fight until it's solved. Which for some reason, people never wanna do because they don't see it to be their fault.
I require a lot of accomodation. I want to be prioritised. I'm an additictive poison, and I will warn you of that, and if you think you can handle it ir don't care, then that's on you. Once I've got my claws in you, it's gonna hurt. Note here, that I usually only do it when I'm interested in you. Unimportant aquaintances or random strangers are usually safe, but if I obsess over you and get codependent... well.
My view of love is wretched. Love is a finite ressource, transmitted via attention. If you love someone else and pay attention to them, it feels like you love me less. I don't want to be loved less. I want all the attention. Guess that makes me selfish and clingy and whatever, so what.
If I love you, however, that's gonna be unconditional and won't stop. Even if it consumes my heart. Even years after we fall apart. I speak from experience.
If you want a list of some of what's wrong with me gauge if it's worth it:
Disorder/mental illness list:
AuDHD
Depression
Anxiety, generalised but especially social
Either BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) or OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder), idk possibly both
Trust issues
Jealousy issues
Anger issues
Parental issues
Disordered eating habits
(Yandere)
This list is vastly incomplete, and a lot of this overlaps anyway. Some stuff is self diagnosed and might not be labeled 100% accurately, don't wanna disclose which of it because I'm tired of people trying to invalidate my mental illness just because no psychologist looked at me and put a stamp on my forehead, it's not like I need professional assessment for my symptoms to be real.
Even though the labels might not be 100% accurate, please inform yourself about BPD/OCD (and ADHD/autism if you don't got no clue) if you for some reason wanna try being friends with me, just to understand what's gonna be going on in my head and why I act like I act and think like I think.
If I act like my mental illnesses then sorry. I'm not using them as excuses, but maybe consider them as explanations and incentives to expect less/different things, and accomodate a bit. I am trying to regulate, it's just not as easy when I keep getting triggered and experience zero understanding for my mental health.
I am not clean. In both the self harm sense and in the sense that depression is making it extremely hard for me to survive, which doesn't really leave energy to take care of myself and my apartment. I manage brushing teeth twice a day, but showering, putting on fresh clothes, and cleaning my apartment/doing dishes is usually off my energy range. If you don't mind that and are into smelly bitches, great. If not, well, sorry or smth.
I'm gonna be honest, I kinda lost my plot here. Anyway.
My main love languages are physical touch and acts of service. I like physical touch and words of affirmation, I'm just really anxious and can't take a compliment.
Am hesitant to put this here cause it isn't really anyone's business, but it might help ward off people whom I don't want to interact with, so:
Kink list:
(you can judge, but leave me alone if you do, don't report just block)
Cnc
Free use
Somno
Biting, slapping, choking, manhandling, bondage (the usual soft bdsm stuff)
Petplay
Knifeplay
Intoxplay
Drugging/kidnapping
Mutual obsession/stalking, yandere
Incestplay, ageplay
Furries/therians, including their fursona/alterhuman identity
t4t, sys4sys, sys4singlet
Any switchy stuff, am Switch and Verse
List is incomplete, most things on it go both ways. To reiterate, I am bi/pan so idc abt gender/body type. I am flexible to like you as whatever you are, as long as I just like you.
What I do NOT like:
- NTR (What's mine is mine, I will kill over this)
- exhibitionism (no strangers or cucks for me thank you)
Last but not least: I have a favorite person that I love. Don't try to make any moves on me.