Lost in the Cosmos

Just another rehab junkie escaping ..reality.. .Az Living. IG: @Justanotherhippy93

[hsxgrungex]

[s0l-lua-deactivated20181201]

Sometimes I think she was a different person to everybody. Sometimes I knew her. Sometimes I didn’t.

Linda, Gia (1998)

[prince-magpie]

i. he is strange, just a little too tall, teeth a little too sharp, the galaxy that drips from his face a little too dark. but you are strange too, aren’t you, girl with hollow bones? you suit each other. ii. he is in love with you. it is the kind of love that makes you hide in corners, the kind of love that makes his clawed hands shake, it is the kind of love that makes monsters gentle. iii. he does not say clip your wings and stay with me. he does not say do not leave me, do not go where i can’t find you. he takes your hands and says please, go and see the sun because i cannot. iv. you go. he does not follow. v. you come back. his smile is fanged, but it is the most gentle thing you have ever seen.

we are monsters learning how to be in love///for @owldork1998//magpie (via the-magpie-girl)

[waterwithlemon-please]

[christmas-winter]

[stargazerinmoksha]

wildfire.

not knowing how to breathe is one thing, not feeling your breath on my skin is quite another. not knowing how to live is one thing, not feeling your life intertwine with my messy hair and messy thoughts– who else do i laugh with? not knowing how to trust is one thing, not trusting anyone like how i’ve trusted you is something i’ll never be able to get used to. they say that death is just another adventure, have you been sending postcards? i see you in my sleep. forever young, a forever kind of kiss– these are the ways that i’ve been missing you. no one is home lately, they said that you’d come back. in the form of light hues of red, the sunrise has tried to remind me. these are the ways that you exist. not laughing enough to hurt my belly, you had a cheesy way of being funny. and i think that’s the thing about you. you were my kind of cheesy, shared with no one else. the shit that i’ll remember when i’ve inevitably moved on. it happens. such is life, am i right? not knowing how to swallow the pain like a pill prescribed for pain, you always reminded me to take my vitamins. you don’t need to be you, but you are everyday. my absolute, my eternal kind of wish. you now rest in my bones, you break into my heart in search for love letters. baby, i’ve got plenty. they say that death is always painless, the process isn’t, but the parts after– silence. i don’t know how to be myself without your laughter filling up my sky. do you remember? once upon a time when i first met you, forever young we were, forever young we’ll always be. it was late one night and there’s an open fountain that never sleeps in this coffee driven city. you crossed my eyes, and then you stayed in my thoughts like how a sweet dream will help you forget the nightmares. it was 4 a.m. and you said that it’s not safe to be out late, but in truth, i have never felt safer. you don’t need windows to be my home, you just needed to listen to my breathing and words. always the last one to speak, you cared about my day. always the first one to get my attention, always my sweetest part of goodnight. not knowing how to love ever again is nothing, not knowing where to find you is something bigger than myself. they say that true love does something to the soul, it’s like finding your favorite painting and being able to take it home. i’m not greedy, but it’s hard to share you with the world. i’m not a happy person, but you always knew how to make things better. the white and black parts of life, the good and bad parts of love. we can bicker, we may fight, but you always had my back. you were gentle and you were mine. not knowing how to hear words is one thing, not hearing your voice finishing up my thoughts is something i can’t find in this life. it’s simple, right? death means that you are gone. poof. like smoke. fireflies search for you. wildfire spreads from my thinking, you always liked to burn. you came home late one evening and i didn’t know where you had gone, so worry lives. surprise, surprise– enough flowers to last a lifetime. you went around town and said, you were looking for anything that reminds you of me. and that, you did. you came home with flowers that i’ve always known, but you came home with something deeper than a life with you. you came home with something i’ll never find again. and i might, but it’s not you– so is it really the same? i don’t need to hear you say that you love me, to know that you did. not knowing where to find you is one thing, but searching for you until my last breath– these are the ways that i’ve been missing you. and maybe, one day, this will be our rendezvous. in math, a line needs two points to exist. you were my point a and i was your point b– that little lifeline of ours was and will always be my finally happy. not knowing how to cry because i don’t know how to process that you’re gone is one thing, feeling the rain hit my cheeks without you wiping them off with a kiss is something i must keep in my memories.

[striders]

catch me in target lusting after kitchenware like a 45 year old mother of three

[colachampagnedad]

if u see me in the streets just know that my mind is in the void im physically alive but mentally checked out

[stargazerinmoksha]

You once said that a step towards recovery means I’ll need to break myself into pieces, darling I’ve been trying to put my heart back together. I like to step on myself sometimes, I don’t take compliments well because I don’t think too highly of myself. When you step on the same lego piece everyday even your ego starts to melt a little. You once said that if I find someone to hold my thoughts before I hold their heart– then maybe she’s the one. Or maybe there’s no one out there, who knows, right? We can circle around this a little longer than always, but I’ll always run back to the why. Why do I want to conquer my memories? Each city that I’ve built for them inside of my head is still bright and I’ve not let a single light bulb blow out, I’m so out of it– while thoughtlessly I’ve been reaching out of my head, my heart likes to beat me to it. It says that love can only be achieved if I chase after it. You once said that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. Do you still believe in those words? Because if I’m not cruel to myself, I could be cruel to someone else. If I read enough books, do you think I’d finally own a chapter in my own life? If I open up some more, will I close off opportunities for myself to the prospect of loving myself? And what about them? Vanity is my master and I’m a slave. It’s okay to be a little vain sometimes, right? I’ve got it in my veins, maybe I’m the only honest one. You once said that if I trip over the same rock and stub my toe a million times within a week, you’d still say it’s okay. Like falling requires gravity to bend to my whispers. Like drowning demands my lies to swim back to shore. Like dying seeps through my eyes, how can I love if all I’ve got is missing pieces? You once said that a river flows like time and if I’m out of seconds– you’ll just record your voice saying I love you until I finally get it. I remember everything that love has to offer, but never the person. I remember the feeling of infection that is affection. And if I walk alone and get hit by a car, maybe it’s just another story that I won’t write. Some words live in between the lines, I’ve been seeing dualities. Life and death is just a kiss and hug. Black and white, storms and clouds are just pears and apples. Poetry and prose likes to sound sweet, but it’s the bitter bits of me that’s suicidal. Love and hate was born from strangers, so you never knew the difference between the moon and the sun– the lightness of tomorrow likes to coat the darkness of past days. Cigarettes and lung cancer, a dance of smoke that disguises itself as stress free, do you think I’ll die healthy? Drugs and my body, which one will make me feel better if I’ve been sweating for a week? You once said that we’re spinning around in a circle just waiting for someone to stop by– grab my attention and you can have my voice, steal from my hands and you can have my poems, which hurts more to have loved or to not have loved at all? An empty silence that’s so full of itself– I can’t hear myself think inside of my own head. I’ve got file cabinets tagged under read later, but I’m a sucker for love– so I feed into it. You once said if the sky breaks into a brighter day, you’ll be there. That is wishful thinking, my favorite kind. Words can’t give meaning to our story, but we still write. You once said that it has to mean something. Every statement paused long enough for several lifetimes to become real again. It feels like such a long time, but we’re still in love with them in there somewhere. It’s buried. It’s in a coffin, but it’s there and we know it. We can hear it. We can hear it. Fuck, we can hear it. That little beating that isn’t ours, it’s always theirs. And that’s my fear, you once said that maybe that’s my fate– I’m supposed to cling onto that strand of innocence, of who I used to be, to remember what it feels like to feel, it has to mean something. Giving meaning to nothing, my favorite pastime. Giving something to someone, the only way that I’ve been living. You once said that until I learn to keep more for myself, I’ll always end up in square one– alone, but as long as I’ve got you, it’s not true, right? Some thoughts like to sleep alone, that’s not one of them. Hold onto that piece of us, the poetic storm that is joy. Keep your kindness to a burn, a stretched out sunrise screaming your name is my simmer. I know about nothing and that’s my one redeeming quality. I know that I don’t know shit, and that’s why I write like this. I know that I don’t love like I used to, and that’s why I love like this. I know that I’m not the same person from last year, and that’s why my guilt likes to trip up. I know that I’m no longer in love with her, but I can’t seem to explain the empty feeling unless I spell her name backwards under a star somewhere that I can’t touch. I know that I’m still messed up, but I’m just taking advantage of my youth. You once said some people will get over you in a week, but it’ll take you a lifetime to get over someone. If forever is a drug then I’ve overdosed. If always is a lie then I’ll take the beautiful. If never is more and a secret is sore– then I’m sorry about the words that didn’t stop, I am trying. I am always trying. You once said that if we kiss the ocean long enough, the mountains will answer. I’ve buried my love letters on the highest mountain and emptied my heart into my art. If I live long enough to spread my wings, do you think I’d still be condemned? Life is too short to live in the past, but I can’t stop asking about my what ifs. Love is too long to just be over, but I’ll just keep painting over it with a new layer of red. If you’re still reading, then I’m still writing. This yin and yang battle of ours has no meaning. Tortured souls live in the canvas and I’ve seen enough chains– I shall be unbound someday. You once said I love you– darling, that’s the only fucking truth that I believe in. You once said that soulmates aren’t always lovers– I guess it’s just you. You once said that flowers don’t just bloom, they wilt– so I guess I’m just withered. You once said that if you had your way, I’d own the universe. You don’t get it. When you became my best friend, I got it.

You once said (via everylittlepieceofyou)

[remanence-of-love]

Those nights 🌙

[kissmyastrology]

milk and honey for the signs

aries

if you were born

with the weakness to fall

you were born

with the strength to rise

taurus

my favorite thing about you is your smell

you smell like

earth

herbs

gardens

a little more

human than the rest of us

gemini

you were so afraid

of my voice

i decided to be

afraid of it too 

cancer

when my mother was pregnant

with her second child i was four

i pointed at her swollen belly confused at how

my mother had gotten so big in such little time

my father scooped me in his tree trunk arms and

said the closest thing to god on this earth

is a woman’s body it’s where life comes from

and to have a grown man tell me something

so powerful at such a young age

changed me to see the entire universe

rested at my mother’s feet

leo  

if you are not enough for yourself

you will never be enough

for someone else

virgo  

you look at me and cry

everything hurts

i hold you and whisper

but everything can heal

libra

you might not have been my first love

but you were the love that made

all the other loves

irrelevant

scorpio

you have to stop

searching for why at some point

you have to leave it alone

sagittarius

you deserve to be

completely found

in your surroundings

not lost within them

capricorn

you were a dragon long before

he came around and said

you could fly

you will remain a dragon

long after he’s left

aquarius

every revolution

starts and ends

with his lips

pisces 

to be

soft

is

to be

powerful

[yourehappywithoutme]

And so, you just do it. You get up, and you say to yourself “I don’t care if my heart is bleeding. I don’t care If thinking of them touching someone else’s skin hurts so bad that some days I can’t even form sentences. I’m not going to let this ruin my life anymore

And just like that, you move on. -Unknown It just takes time, trust me baby. (via yourehappywithoutme)

[theprocast]

think of it like this: maybe we weren’t meant to be more than a handful of moments. laughter, whispered secrets, touches no one was supposed to see.
I remember that one time you reached for my hand and I pulled mine away because in my head it all became too much. truth is I am so sorry I never explained why I could not let you hold me. I was so afraid of letting you get close. what if you saw all the dark places, all the times I cried myself to sleep, trying to remember what I was fighting for? what if you saw my fear of losing control? what if you asked why I always ran when things seemed good? you probably wouldn’t listen if I asked you to because I ruined what we had, but please know I’m sorry for the way I always held back and hid behind that superior smile. It was me that drove you away and I know it’s my fault, all of it is. because I knew once I’d give a little piece of myself, it’d all be lost to you because I never learned how to love only a fraction or a half, I only ever knew how to give everything I had until all I was left with was nothing at all.

notes I hide from you / n.j. (via theprocast)

[poetryandthesea]

I often wonder what I will remember about you when I’m 70. One could say it is likely that I will forget about the sound of your voice and the way you dress. I might wake up one day and realize that I can’t tell the colour of your eyes or the words you use too often. I will probably have forgotten at which topics your mouth tends to soften and that you always frown after having a good laugh. And it might dismiss from my mind how you hold yourself when you sit, legs and arms crossed, your bottom lip drawn in a little. After all these years, I may forget what made me fall for you, why you were so different from the others.

// but what if I will look back and remember each and every detail, every crinkle on your face? j.d.m. (via poetryandthesea)

[thegoodvybe]

[heavenlygrl]

been about you since i met u

[divinepoem]

I shed my grief like a dying skin and let my anger stain the walls. My body becomes a quaking temple that still stands. I taste blood on my lips as the snake coils inside of my mouth. These words are not mine. This anger dies on my tongue and is reborn as I speak. Put your palm against the small of my back and feel my blood boiling. Do not touch me.

(via sadistwriter)