RandomThinks

just a lot of random things that come from the dangerous landscape of my brain....

[justapansblog]

Slipping

It's going down hill and i cant help it

Each day feels pointless

I don't feel the need to wake up

The only reason i wake up is for work

I enjoy being there more than alive

And even then i dont feel like being anywhere

Some hours are good

I forget

I lose myself

But then its right back

I am slipping slowly but surely

And soon the sunburn wont stop me

Nothing and everything have purpose

I guess im only living out of spite at this point

[justapansblog]

Not quite thriving like you asked

But doing better than surviving

Which is what you asked

Some days are harder and my anger gets the better of me

I try not to wallow but sometimes just letting it happen helps

My rooms clean

My conditioner is almost gone

There are so many reasons to leave

But there are a few reasons to stay

So for now

The small things

Enjoying the clean room

Setting small tasks for further days

[justapansblog]

Im tired of thinking

Because every thought is about you

Every song is about you

Every contry song reminds me of you driving

And every sad song reminds me that you arent here

Every thought is consumed with the fact that if i could have been better

Every thought is that i never realized how much i needed you until you left me

And now i feel alone

Empty

Forgotten

You didnt do this on purpose

But ive been broken in a way that i cannot rebound from

Ive leared to gain higher standards that no one will ever be able to reach.

And i feel worthless

Not because of how you treated me

But because of how I neglected to realize what was right in front of me.

[justapansblog]

With time you will forget of me.

With time i might as well have not existed

I miss you but not the way i should

I miss talking to you but not your hands on my body.

And it pains me to remember that the reason you left is because you would miss your hands on my body more than you would miss me.

Miss my lips against yourse more than my anxiety

Miss my hips against yourse more than my emotional breakdowns.

I am too tramatized for you, and you are not to blame for that.

Im the one whose too broken to see past the fear.

And now i fear nothing for i feel nothing

Only an endless depth.

I shall not perish for im scheduled to work tomorrow.

But I cannot thrive for i don't know how anymore.

It is always me who reaches out first

And if not for my fear of being alone in this mess, you would forget about me

Because if I dont reach out i fear that you were never really there.

[justapansblog]

My legs burn

But i am still alive

And ig thats what matters at this point

[justapansblog]

Why do I feel so lost

Lost in thoughts that appear and dissapear faster than i have time to remember them

Am I too broken to fix?

Why cant I find it in me to reach out for help

Do I want to be broken?

Or do I simply believe I can't be helped because thats what every conversation ends with.

Is that why I dont reach out anymore?

Or because when i do reach out im filled with empty reassurance.

Words that have long sense meant nothing to me, because they weren't honest when i needed it the most.

I want to not be broken, but i fear there are no more peices to put me back together again.

I stretched myself too thin time and time again

Pouring my soul into those who tossed me aside in a heartbeat.

I dont know who i am anymore.

I am a caged dog in the pound, seeking for reassurance that someone will adopt me, but time and time again being abandoned.

I am worthful, so im told.

But for what purpose to to whom I dont know.

I am stretched too thin and now all I know is pain

All I can think about day in and day out is how i compare to others

How my past behaviors have shapped me. While many otheds have hopeful stories where people shapped them into a beautiful butterfly

I cannot remember a time where i did not put myself in a cage.

I dont know how to get out

For i do not remember what its like to be free

I want to keep fighting but i do not know if i will find a light at the end of the tunnel

Every night of listless soul searching leading me further and further into the ocean as oposed to the beautiful skies.

I want to be fixed but i dont know where the peices are.

[justapansblog]

If I hadnt been so hesitant

If I hadnt been so anxious

If i hadnt been so depressed

If I hadnt been such a "mop"

If I tried harder

If I were better

Than you would still be here and I wouldn't feel so empty

[justapansblog]

This shower will wash off the rest of you

New skin that you will not get to touch

Once the marks you left me leave my skin

I will have no tangent reminder that you were ever here

I don't know if i truely loved you or if i simply said it back because i was scared of losing you

But my words never mattered because you're gone now.

I told you i was scared you only wanted me for my body

And when you broke up with me you told me subtly that i was right

Blamed God and told me you were doing this out of love

Its not you its me

And all i can feel is numb and angry

Because I trusted you with my past tramas, and you simply added more.

Your shirts have been returned

Your smile will be forgotten with time

And i cant help but feel that i seem insensitive, but in reality theres too much to unpack so ive just shut down

No more emotions are needed, because my emotions never mattered in the first place.

Every song had become about you and now I will simply exist.

[justapansblog]

The depression set in...

The feeling of loss hit again

The 3 am thoughts riddle my brain and make me feel worthless

He was nothing but kind to me and I threw it away

But it was also toxic

Constant depression and fear

Constant regret and self doubt

I hope i never find someone like him again, but i also do.

I wish many things, but mainly that we had met in a different life

And not when i was desperate and at my lowest point.

There was a time when i thought he was my home, and break up after break up I realized i no longer felt that way....

I'm not sad that the relationship ended, more so that the friendship ended

I cant stop thinking about him.

The goods and the bads, and when I come to regret my decision i remind myself that it was not worth the pain and self doubt

The attention he gave you can be found, but he hinself was not right for me

[justapansblog]

My Forever Person

I met you and suddenly the stars shined brighter

I met you and suddenly I looked forward to waking up

I met you and suddenly i had a purpose in living again

And while thunderstorms happen, you still helped me although you were hurting too.

There were struggles, but no one ever said love was a yellow brick road.

And at the end of the day you were always the light at the end of the tunnel.

They say if you love someone let them go, and if they come back that it was ment to be

Well every time you let go, you were never too far, and I always ran back and you accepted me into open arms and loving words.

You are my forever person, through and through. And I will love you til the end of time.

[justapansblog]

Pain

I didn't realize I was looking for your face in the crowd until i saw it...

And now I'm in pain...

And I have no legitimate reason to be

[justapansblog]

Me: I've realized I'm friends with people who don't like Halloween

Mom: You need to unfriend them, you don't need that negativity in your life

[justapansblog]

Me: work is for losers

Emily: you have a job

Me: and I'm a loser

[justapansblog]

I did it again

I have no motivation to do the homework i was assigned last week that is due tomorrow, therefore I'm just gonna chug a monster and cry my way through this hecking assignment...

[justapansblog]

Tear drops

All I have left is memories, and those too will fade away.

Because no matter how hard to cling to them they leave.

The blisters on your hand mean nothing, the scratch in your voice from screaming at yourself doesn't effect them.

Your tears ars left unseen, and your red rimed eyes are hidden by green eye shadow.

My pain means nothing, so long as they're happy with someone.

[banishedquasiroyal-deact]

FUCK silverfish

[daystxlker]

if those are the little bug things that look like centipedes yeah fuck em omfg

[banishedquasiroyal-deact]

I HATE THEM SO MUCH

[daystxlker]

OH IN MINECRAFT I THOUGHT YOU MEANT. REAL ONES SLDKJFLSKDJLFSDF

[banishedquasiroyal-deact]

wait

WHAT DO YOU MEAN REAL ONES

[booty-clappin-deactivated201807]

where do you think the name came from

[banishedquasiroyal-deact]

i don’t know, tumblr user plump9000. i sort of thought they weren’t real, like endermen. or creepers.

[timurmurtazin]

>implying endermen aren’t real

[banishedquasiroyal-deact]

really not liking what you’re implying buddy

[amosseleznev92]

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[noncommited-writer]

Holy shit what an iconic tumblr post

[glixbitch]

Facebook: we analysed your entire internet history, tracked your location and took a deep dive into your personal relationships, and we’ve decided to recommend you this specific conditioner that you also saw in your local Tesco two days ago, aint that neat!

Tumblr: HEY sHITHEAD *slurring words* how would you like to buy  *throws dart* a gym membership for your *spins wheel* pARROT