There is beauty in the broken

I see things a little different than most. Walk with me and see my view of the world.

[justcairistiona]

[justcairistiona]

I wanna be that skinny chick….not this fat, stretch mark covered blob that I am. I’m scared to lose the weight tho…. It has been my protection for so long. No one looks at you when you are fat, no one attempts to touch you when you are fat, no “hey baby” wolf whistles when you are fat. Flip side snide comments of “fuck she’s disgusting, look at those rolls, how did she fit in here, I bet she smells, can she even reach her ass or crotch to wipe etc still happen. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t

[justcairistiona]

My hope is you know that I tried. I tried to be the mom you needed, I tried to be happy and optimistic. I failed a lot. I couldn’t keep the past at bay, no matter what therapy I sought, no matter what meds were prescribed. I got help so I would t continue to raise you the way I was raised. I saw my errors and struggled and fought to stop them. I wasn’t always successful but I tried. I have loved you from the moment I found out about you and I love you more every day. You and your sibling are the reason I keep fighting, I keep trying… you two are the reason I stay.

[justcairistiona]

You were the dad I always hoped for. My own never wanted me and he made sure I never forgot that. Every slap, punch, pinch, insult and dirty look reinforced his hate. I knew by his actions that I wasn’t good enough and I never would be. Then I met your son and fell in love with him. The day he introduced me to you. I was so scared that day. I just knew you would hate me too. I thought the best I could hope for would be thinly veiled disgust. I was wrong, so very wrong. That first meeting you hugged me tight, kissed me on my head and told me you were so happy to meet your new daughter. And that’s what I was. I was your daughter. I got the fatherly advice, the inside jokes, the hugs I needed when I felt scared or alone. I got the unconditional love and acceptance from you that my own father refused. And now you are gone. I don’t know how to say goodbye to you Dad. I only had you in my life for a short time (27 years). I wanted more time with you. I hope that you are having the best after life with Wolfman, Rose, your mama and your sisters. I’ll see you when it’s my turn.

I love you forever and will miss you for always.

[justcairistiona]

She is my true North, my light in the darkness. With her I am always home.

[justcairistiona]

I want to make you feel how you make your children feel. You are a piece of shit and I hope that one day their pain will be yours

[justcairistiona]

[justcairistiona]

It's been a long time since I saw one of these

[justcairistiona]

[justcairistiona]

When it's so hot you say screw it and wear shorts to work

[justcairistiona]

It's a beautiful day to have these hooligans outside for a while

[justcairistiona]

One of my hooligans at work made this for me. Damn if these kids can't make my heart full.

[justcairistiona]

[justcairistiona]

My work kids keep bringing me flowers today. I guess they can tell I am sad

[justcairistiona]

Wish I could wash away this heartache as easy as I'm washing away this pollen.

[justcairistiona]

As these boys play dodgeball I'm sitting here, looking at my shoes, trying desperately not to let the darkness overtake me.

[justcairistiona]

Every morning I claw my way out of the abyss. As I sit on the edge of the bed I dread the moment I have to stand up and put weight on my feet. I know that the moment I stand the pain will start. But I know that I don't have a choice...I have to stand, I have to force myself to walk and do the everyday things that for most are nothing but for me they cause pain. Walking, standing, bending, sitting....it doesn't matter, it hurts. The white hot, throbbing pain makes its way from my Achilles tendons to my knees, from my knees to my hips, hips to pelvis, pelvis to spine, spine to neck. A devilish domino effect that brings no joy, only pain,, distress, turmoil. I wish I could talk to someone, anyone about it. But I have no one who wants to hear it, only someone who thinks they are the only one who hurts and to them my pain is inconsequential.