Self Love Sunday
In honor of the fact that I’m (over) 1 year self-harm free as of last week, and because I feel like it’s important to celebrate accomplishments every once and awhile(:
So if you’ve followed me for awhile, you know that posts like these aren’t very common with me. A big reason is because I don’t want people to see a person who was a healthy weight before and then dropped 40 some pounds, then set that as a goal. The thing is… this year started out as weight loss, but in truth, that’s not what it’s become.
In the summer of 2013 (and for quite a long time before), I was uncomfortable in my own skin, depressed, self-conscious, and self-hating. When I made my initial decision to lose weight it was not in a positive way or for healthy reasons.
I got a month or two into what I’m sure would have soon turned into an eating disorder, and my mom saw what was going on. She saw it, and she put a stop to it. Because of her stepping in and basically telling me I was headed nowhere good, I truly believe is why I’m here how I am today.
I needed to stop focusing on weight or looks or physical appearance. I needed to stop focusing on what I felt like others thought of me, and especially how this was affected almost solely by my looks. I needed to get healthy, not just physically—not even mostly physically, but in soul, in mind, in heart.
When I look back on myself from back then, I don’t see a chubby unattractive girl (which is how I thought of myself then…not even the case to begin with!)… I see a life that was confined by my body, rather than a body that I allowed to be a vessel for my living. I see so much sadnessand how uncomfortable with myself I was in my eyes even when I was smiling. When I look back on this year, I don’t see a weight loss journey. I see I lifestyle change. I see a journey from dwelling in dark places to learning to walk in the sunshine. The weight I lost was a side effect of moving more and eating foods that make me feel better. When I see and think of myself now, I don’t see a skinnier girl. I see a fuller life, confidence, health, joy. My confidence is not a result of any form of loss, weight or otherwise. It’s a result of gaining myself back. Gaining back the control I fought for with harm and hatred by learning to nourish and love. I’ve fought and won so many battles this year, and it’s really only up from here.
“You don’t have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.”
I was confined by thinking I was a body. I am not my body. I am my soul. My body carries my soul to new places, sure, does things for me, but I am what’s within, and that is what has changed this year.
absolutely beautiful and inspiring!
