Just in Case You Cared

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my life has now sunk so low that i feel it somehow necessary to pick the boogers out of my cats eyes

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my gynecologist: when was the last time u had sex

me: doth, IT WAS 4 SCORE AND ONE PREGNANCY AGO

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Nobody:

Guys on Tinder: how big r ur boobs

Me: ok we’re done here

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Me, to myself: maybe Tinder just isn’t for everyone

Myself, to me: WHAT DO U MEAN TINDER ISNT FOR EVERYONE

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Yeast Infection Update

Yeast infection gone! Weird, maybe it wasn’t a yeast infection at all.

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why do my hands smell like sesame chicken

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Oscar’s Poop

This morning, Oscar, the love of my life, my home/homeboy did a very stinky, large poop in his litterbox and made a HUGE mess. Just in case you cared.

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Yeast Infection Update

Well, my vagina seems a bit happier today. Maybe the kombucha is working! Still a tad itchy, but we are making progress. Or... ARE WE??? Just when I think it’s getting better, it’ll sneak back up on me. Anyways, that’s how my vagina is feeling today, just in case you cared.

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Zumba Class

I absolutely LOVE my morning Zumba class. I go 5 times a week, and what I love most about it is the fact that I am LITERALLY the best dancer there. Yes, that’s because everyone else in the class is 60 and above but THAT DOES NOT MATTER OKAY?? I be up in the Avalon Ballroom shaking my ass and constantly making mistakes but it doesn’t matter because “there are no mistakes in Zumba, only spontaneous solos.” So, no matter how much of a fool I look like, I’m still the youngest and best dancer in there :) at least in my opinion. To sum it up, I love Zumba, just in case you cared.

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Yeast Infection

Do you ever just wake up with a burning sensation in your vagina? If you, like me, have experienced this, then you know the whole slew of emotions that comes up with that: panic, fear, wonder, curiosity, and possibly anger, depending on the cause of the burning. Well, when I woke up this morning, things were feeling a bit funky down there; rather hot, and a tad, but just a tad itchy. So, I of course turn to Google for assistance here, because I’m thinking “what the hell is happening, we all know I don’t have a sex life!” Google tells me I have a yeast infection. WHAT? Honestly, the first thing I felt was excitement, because I have never had a yeast infection, and so obviously I officially feel like a woman now. All women get yeast infections; it’s like a rite of passage, and yet I somehow made it to my 19th birthday without one? So, I’ve been downing kombucha and yogurt today to try and cure myself without that Monistat cream I hear you have to squirt up your vagina. Would that just feel like cum? On one hand, the Monistat cream scares me, but on the other, I’m intrigued. Also, apparently beer is bad for yeast infections? Unfortunately, that’s the only booze I have right now, and my drinking stops for no yeast infection. Anyhow, I will keep you updated on my yeast infection, just in case you care.